Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five

by Freeman, Jesse James

  It took him a few minutes to figure out the lever and gears. He finally did something which made the telescope tilt down, and then the boy found himself focusing in on the town below Purgatory Hill. “Cool, the rib shack.” The telescope had a big lens on the end of it and the Moon was bright, so he found that focusing on things was pretty easy once you got the hang of it. “Hey, that's that lady that Pop calls Mrs. Hooker.”

  Billy started swinging the telescope over the grounds of his new home. He was gonna find that trampoline if it took all night. He would have looked all night too, had he not suddenly found himself focusing on her.

  She had short red hair that she wore in a fairy-of-the-forest pixie cut. Covered in a doctor's coat of white, just like the dude's that came to Billy's school once a year to test them for lice wore. But unlike those doctor guys, she wore a short skirt that'd just have looked stupid on them. It didn't look stupid on her. Billy didn't know who this gal was, but he did know she had really long legs that ended in high heels. She was carrying a stack of papers in her arms and walking down a lit path towards the stables.

  Billy stepped back from the telescope and looked down at his skateboard sitting on the floor at his feet. “Well hello, doctor lady.”

  When Billy placed his eyeball back to the telescope to get another look, the girl was gone. “Damn.”

  Billy had his board under his arm and headed out the door, into the hallway. He didn't know why he was so interested in this lady all of a sudden — she looked like she was really old, like twenty-five maybe. But it wouldn't hurt to skate down there and say hello and be friendly. Maybe she needed help carrying all those papers?

  Billy looked for a door leading outside for fifteen minutes and never found one, so he improvised by opening a window and rolling out onto the lawn. The grounds were quiet, and she had been the only thing he'd seen moving. Billy got his bearings and found a path that led down in the general direction of where she'd been walking. It seemed smooth enough.

  Standing atop his board and silently rolling down the hill, he was remembering the girl from the cement factory. That pretty girl that the gypsy woman had told him was named Anastasia — the one who'd gotten him into all that vampire trouble on the baseball field and started all this mess. Billy realized he still kinda had a thing for her, but he'd been all around the world and fought monsters since then — and true badasses had to keep moving and could never look back.

  “Hope you're okay, baby-cakes, but Billy Purgatory always picks girl in the headlights over girl in the rearview.”

  On top of these big hills that looked over the whole town, Billy never expected to see vampires, or that girl, ever again.

  He kicked his board into the air and caught it as his feet left the end of the concrete and slammed down into the grass. Billy could just make out the path that the girl with the papers and the legs had been heading down, and the vast stable complex just beyond a fountain and some trees. He remembered that he told his Mom he'd be showing up for dinner, and that he'd take a bath, but none of that was happening. He didn't even know what time it was anyway. If he could ever find the kitchen in that shopping mall he lived in, he'd throw together a turkey sammich.

  Adventures first — always.

  As he got closer, the place didn't look much like any barn he'd ever seen. It didn't smell like horse poop either, but Billy wasn't sure if that was welcome or kind of a buzzkill. He smelled something sweet, like flowers or other nonsense that girls liked. Perfume — and he suddenly was sure that he was on the right track.

  The big sliding doors leading into the place were wide open, and there were lights and noise coming from inside it. Music? Billy wasn't sure exactly what he was listening to, but he was sure that he was digging it. All barns should have no horses in them and play loud music and have girls there. The more he thought about it, this sounded like how Pop described the bar he used to hang out at down the highway. “This must be where Pop is.”

  Billy pushed within with renewed diligence — seeing Pop and having a few root beers was just what he needed to take the edge off all the traveling he'd been up to that week. “That's why Mom bought this place, the bar is here. This estate might be kickass after all.”

  Still no damn trampoline, though.

  Walking into the joint, Billy learned that it didn't go on for too long before he came to a metal railing. While the roof was high and had several stories above him, composed of open terraces, catwalks, and stairs, the music was actually coming from below. Looking down into a sunken room, Billy saw all manner of science class stuff. There were metal tables of burners and bubbling concoctions in flasks and beakers. There were big metal coils that let electricity dance from one spiked tower to another, and there flashing lighted computer banks. This place wasn't a stable at all; it was a mad scientist's lab, right out of a comic book.

  “See, this is what I was trying to explain to that Russian.”

  Billy didn't see the cutie redheaded girl scientist, which is what she had to be, Billy guessed. But he did see a guy in a lab coat who was writing all these numbers on a chalkboard while rock music blasted from speaker stacks in the corners of his sunken lab room.

  Billy eyed the stairs that led down into the laboratory. As he was considering whether he should head down there, the guy at the chalkboard turned around and looked up at Billy. He had short dark hair and glasses, he was a thin and tallish fellow, and he didn't have anywhere near the muscle on that the Russian did — or even Pop, for that matter. He was one of those scientist-nerd kind of fellas. He listened to good music, though.

  Billy took a step back from the railing. The scientist guy reached out his long arm and took hold of a wheel on some electronic equipment. As he cranked it with his fingers, the music faded down to whispers.

  The man called up to Billy. “You're Mrs. Emelia's kid. The skateboarder?”

  Billy stepped forward. This guy was familiar with his reputation of badassary, no doubt, which was a definite plus. “Why'd you turn off the music?”

  “I…well…” Scientist Guy didn't seem to have a good answer. “So we could hear each other, I suppose.”

  “It was killer, dude. It was preaching cooler stuff than we are.”

  “Oh.” He smiled. “You like Led Zeppelin?”

  “I do now.” Billy walked over to the stairs and began trotting his way down. This guy wasn't a good-looking chick in a scientist coat — but he had coolness potential maybe. “Who are you? What's all this Frankenstein junk?”

  The Scientist looked around at all the Frankenstein junk. “Oh, all this. My experiments. I am attempting to bend the principals of physics in order to transmorga…”

  “Uh huh. This place isn't a bar then?”

  “A bar?”

  Billy's feet hit the concrete floor and he kept walking through the tables filled with stuff he didn't understand — or really care to, for that matter. The only thing that interested him in this place was going through this guy's record collection. “Yeah, nevermind. How come you're doing science stuff in our barn? Does my Mom know about this? She might be down, but Pop says that science screwed us up the coghole without any springs and doesn't trust you guys.”

  “I can assure you that I have your mother's full permission. Her scientific foundation has provided me with a grant. I'm Dr. Luna.”

  “Does that mean she's cool with all this?”

  “Well yes, of course.” He straightened his glasses and brushed some of the wrinkles out of his coat.

  “Hey, so, anyone work down here with you?” Billy was scanning around as he reached the chalkboard.

  “I have a lab assistant.”

  “Little shorter than you and a helluva lot hotter?”

  Dr. Luna nodded. “You must be talking about Mira.” Dr. Luna smiled when he said her name, and then paused, and Billy could see it all playing out in the guy's head. Luna running through a field of plastic flowers, holding hands with Mira the red-haired scientist fairy. Rainbows and Leprechaun-robo
ts seeding the skies with pirate gold that would rain down on their love.

  Dr. Luna sighed, and Billy knew the score — he wasn't the only one who was following this Mira chick around.

  “Luna, turn the music back up where we can hear it. You got any root beer?”

  V.

  Dr. Luna didn't have any root beer, so he mixed some up from scratch. Billy watched him doing it, and although he was interested in what was going on — and it smelled really good — the boy had never considered that root beer didn't just come already made up. Maybe out of something like a cow or off a root beer tree. If there was one thing Billy was learning about this science stuff, it was that it wasn't as easy as they made it look in those monster movies on late night TV.

  After the formalities of discussing why Dr. Luna had never attempted to make a Frankenstein or any giant spiders to attack New York City with — Billy settled in with his mug of science-brewed root brew. He and Dr. Luna sat at one of the stainless steel tables where the concoction had been concocted — they were both on stools, and Billy let his legs dangle and swing as he sipped the good stuff.

  “So this Mira chick, she's a scientist too?”

  Luna took a long swig from his mug. “Graduate assistant. She took some of my classes when I was still teaching at the university.”

  “Interesting — or well, not really — anyhow, how come you don't teach at that university place anymore?”

  “My colleagues, other scientists, they didn't understand my research. They said that the things I was doing with my space-capture-clock-mirror-machine would never hold up to real world testing. That it all looked good on paper…”

  “Mira is kinda foxy.” Billy nursed his mug. “You know, if you're into smart broads who have red hair and long legs.”

  Dr. Luna considered the ice which had formed on the outside of his mug from the liquid nitrogen. “I wouldn't know, Billy. Mira and I have a professional relationship only.”

  “Uh huh. Are you trying to stuff bull balls in a tea cup, Luna?” Billy wondered if that was even possible.

  “I'm not sure what you mean..?”

  “Are you trying to tell me that's all you want from her? You get all butterfly-tummy-ninja when you talk about her. I think you've got the hots for Mira.”

  “Well…” Luna broke off some of the ice on the mug and let it slip down to the table top. He considered how the molecules would react to the change of environment and temperature. “She just doesn't see me in that way.”

  “You ever told her you dig her and wanna make electric-science candy hearts with her name giggled all over ‘em?”

  The ice began to form a puddle and slide. “Not exactly in such a way, no.”

  “That's your problem right there, you gotta let the ladies know when you're looking to cook something up in the lab.” Billy had no idea what he was talking about, but that had never stopped him before and he was trying to keep this going through at least one more round of root beer. This guy was a failed missile test with the women-folk, but he had a way with the beer.

  “She just doesn't see me like that, I'm afraid. I really think she's a lot like me: infatuated with the work we're doing, and not really interested in romantic entanglements. I'm more of a mentor figure in her eyes.”

  “You know what you need to do — you need to impress her. She's all into this science stuff right? I mean, she wears a science coat and all. So you're just a normal looking kinda guy, but you got that scientific brain and you can do math with it. You need to knock her off her feet by doing something really impressive with all the experiment-ma-bobs you got happening down here.”

  “Her face does light up when we're debating the quantum cube mirror-world paradox.”

  Billy clinked his mug against Dr. Luna's. “That is straight poem talk to a science girl. You're pulling her into your love web and you don't even know it. Now, whatever this big experiment is you're doing for my Mom, you need to not only get the job done, but you gotta get it done in a big way.”

  Luna gave Billy's mug its own clink. “You know, I think you're onto something here. Even though my previous experiment with the mirror-machine was somewhat of a failure, the experience I gained from that failure has only pushed my research further on my other hypothesis — about what makes up the universe and how we as sentient life forms can interact and even, dare I say, trick the laws of the greater continuum.”

  “She's so gonna make out with you in the back of a Buick.”

  Dr. Luna looked down at the tiny, unlikely cupid. “You know Billy, my work has kept me isolated from other people for a long time. Sometimes I forget how refreshing it can be to share a drink and have a talk with another person about life's mysteries. I haven't had a friend in a long time.”

  Billy offered up his empty mug. Dr. Luna took the hint and filled it with fresh root beer. Billy's nose was assaulted, in a good way, with the smell of the best thing that science had ever done for him.

  “Yeah, I don't have any friends either. Even though you're like an old dude and already went to school, you're not a bad guy. I dig your music, and I might even let you teach me how to use all this science-magic stuff so I can make some delicious beverage every once and awhile.”

  Dr. Luna filled his own glass. “We certainly do have an age difference, yet I feel we are kindred spirits, Billy Purgatory.”

  “Like we both think your research assistant is hot sauce on heels?”

  “Cheers to that, young man. Cheers to that.”

  They both drank. “Billy, I must ask, for one so young, how is it that you seem to know so much about the female species?”

  “I stay mysterious to keep the ladies interested. I'm kinda like if you wrapped one of those Valentine's Chocolate Bunnies in sand paper. I'm soft and made of sweet stuff on the inside, but I'm all bullet-holes and motorcycles on fire on the outside. Chicks dig motorcycles on fire.”

  Dr. Luna didn't have much time to contemplate any of that. He and Billy both looked up at the same time and saw the lovely Mira standing at the railing by the stairs, looking down on both of them with a more than curious glance. Billy slammed what was left in his mug and banged it against the table. “Thanks for the root beer, Doc.”

  Mira began walking down the steps as Billy slipped off his bar stool and his sneakers hit the floor. He grabbed his board from the table and made sure to bang it into Luna's knee so the doctor would flinch in pain and snap out of it.

  “Don't stare at her, dude.” Billy said out of the corner of his mouth so Mira couldn't hear. “Stay mysterious. Dazzle with science.”

  Dr. Luna nodded to his new, sage-like friend. “Right. Got it.” Billy tucked his board under his arm and pointed himself on a collision course with Mira. “What are you, dude?”

  “I'm not sure,” Dr. Luna whispered.

  “You're a motorcycle on fire.”

  “Oh, yes. Right.”

  Billy Purgatory made his way across the lab and met up with Mira halfway. If the young woman had been captivating through the slightly creepy gaze of a telescope, she was even more so up close and personal. She had a perfect face and big green eyes full of wonder, and Billy had never seen anybody carry a stack of papers so daintily.

  Billy liked a brand new echo — the clicking of her high heeled shoes. As they passed, Billy gave her a look and nod.

  “Legs.”

  Billy kept walking towards the steps, but he knew that she had stopped and was looking at him as he left — her heel clicking had ceased.

  “See Luna,” Billy remarked to himself as he began to dash up the stairs, “So damn easy.”

  Billy Purgatory sprang back into the outside world of Moon and boring stars. He felt like he had done something positive that his guidance counselor lady might have been proud of had she been there to witness it. He'd kinda made a new dorky friend, and he'd given him a good lecture on confidence. Billy hoped that Luna was standing up from his seat at the root beer table, and was gonna let Mira know that she was his girl, an
d that he was gonna be her scientist dude for ever-and-after.

  Maybe that's what was going on down there, Billy didn't know really. He was high off of two root beers, and even though he still had a trampoline to find, he figured that even that much sugar wasn't gonna take him to much further into the night. He had a hill to walk up and figured it would take him an hour to find his bedroom again, maybe two hours if all those butlers were already sawing logs.

  Still, this new big world high above where he'd grown up that his mother was providing for him might end up being the best thing that ever happened to him. Billy felt a little more positive about the world and figured he might be done with monsters and drama and adventures.

  If he could only make it to the top of that hill and find a door that led inside the house.

  Billy was so lost in his thoughts and climbing that hill that he failed to notice the man who was watching him from the tree line. It was true, even if Billy had his telescope the man would be hard for him to spot — dressed in black and dark greens, blending in with the shadows and the foliage.

  The man who watched Billy had been on many adventures of his own, and if he would ever be able to make any sense of the world ever again it was going to take the help of the ten-year-old boy who trudged towards the mansion on the hill.

  Surely he didn't know it yet, but the boy would end up helping the man before all would be said and done — whether he liked it or not.

  VI.

  Billy Purgatory had taken to making himself scarce during the day around the grounds of Purgatory Manor. It seemed like there was a lot going on during the day; that's when people were milling about and the maids were polishing the silverware. Billy had slept like a baby the last couple nights on the new bed he'd been so skeptical of at first. Turns out whatever it was they pulled off a goose to stuff into those pillows was the right idea. Billy's skateboard even seemed more rested, but it didn't really talk much about its sleep habits, and the boy could only guess as to its actual well-being.