Captains Outrageous

by Joe R. Lansdale

  “They know about me, they may know about you,” I said.

  “That means they might come after me, and John’s here.”

  “You are not leaving my sweet ass behind then,” John said.

  Leonard rushed to his closet, took out his shotgun, plucked a few shells from an overhead shelf. We hustled over to Brett’s in John’s car, and before I got in I got my gun out of my pickup.

  That morning, when I had left to go over to Charlie’s, it was my plan to drop in on him and take him to coffee. Take some coffee and doughnuts back to Brett. She had pulled a hard shift the night before and was sleeping late. I thought it would be a nice surprise. But my plans might actually have put Brett in the line of destruction.

  When we pulled up in Brett’s yard, the lawn chair was still wrapped in grass and the front door was intact.

  Of course, our man could have come through the back door.

  I got out with my revolver in my hand, Leonard behind me with the shotgun held against his leg. John kept close to Leonard. He was carrying a fistful of shotgun shells, just in case our enemies came in waves.

  John said, “That lawn chair. That’s one of ours.”

  “That’s nice,” Leonard said.

  “Circa nineteen ninety-five. We don’t make them like that anymore.”

  “It’s a fuckin’ antique,” Leonard said. “Now shut up.”

  I used my key and went in.

  Everything looked like it always did.

  I hurried to the bedroom, my stomach sour with fear.

  Brett was in bed with the covers under her chin. She was snoring in a very unladylike fashion. I sighed, glanced up at a whirling shadow. It was her panties hanging from the slowly rotating overhead fan. That was my signal to wake her. Waking her was always worthwhile.

  I gently patted her and went out, closed the door, sat down on the living room couch. Leonard sat down beside me, the shotgun draped across his knees.

  “I feel drained,” I said.

  “Understandable,” John said. “I’ll find a pot and boil some water. Uh … Brett does have tea, doesn’t she?”

  Leonard looked at me, said, “See?”

  About twenty minutes later, Brett came out of her bedroom. We were sitting on the couch sipping tea. We turned to look at her. She was wearing a half T-shirt that covered the tops of her breasts. She wasn’t wearing panties.

  She looked at us. We looked at her.

  “Well,” she said, “ain’t this a fine howdy-do? You on the couch, and me dressed like Huckleberry Hound. I hope you’ll excuse me.”

  She turned, showing us her ass, and disappeared back into the bedroom. She came out a moment later with shorts on. As she came into the room, she said, “You know, it’s hard to act cool when you’ve just shown three men your beaver and found your underwear dangling from an overhead fan.”

  “Sorry,” I said.

  “If it helps any,” Leonard said, “me and John go for dicks.”

  “And I’ve seen it before,” I said.

  “Well now … Is there still some tea?”

  “There is,” John said. “I’ll fix you up.”

  “A gal shows off her canoe, even if it’s by accident, you’d hope someone thought it was worth riding in.”

  “I didn’t say I wasn’t interested,” I said. “I’m very interested.”

  “It looked very nice,” Leonard said. “I guess. I mean, I don’t really know what all of that’s about, you know.”

  “You mean you’re still queer? Sight of me didn’t jerk you into a heterosexual frame of mind?”

  “ ‘Fraid not,” Leonard said.

  “But if anyone could,” John said, “I’m sure it would be you.”

  “Thank you, John. I’ll cherish that. May I ask what I owe the joy of this gathering to? I’m kind of surprised you didn’t fix me breakfast, Hap. I figured a fuckin’ like I gave you last night ought to at least warrant toast and coffee. Good God, all three of you have the longest goddamn faces.”

  “Actually, I went out for doughnuts, but I got de-toured.”

  “Have I faded from your thoughts that quickly.”

  “There’s been something come up. Charlie.”

  “Is he in the bathroom? Now he’s a hetero. He would have respected my entrance. I can tell by the way he looks at me with my clothes on, he would have loved a view of the canyon. Last I heard, he wasn’t gettin’ any, so that might make me look even better.”

  “If he were in the bathroom, he’d be horrified at what he missed,” I said. “But he’s not. And that’s why we’re glum. Hon, Charlie’s dead.”

  “What?”

  I told her the story. I told her the background.

  “I’ll be damned. I can’t believe it. Charlie’s dead.”

  “Yeah. It’s hard to believe.”

  “We just saw him yesterday.”

  “I put you in danger, Brett. I didn’t even know I did it. Somehow, sorry doesn’t seem like enough to say. I don’t know what would be enough.”

  “You didn’t know this was going to happen. No way you could have. It doesn’t matter. You didn’t do it on purpose.”

  “On purpose or not, this monster might have shown up here. I don’t like to think about that. Seems you and me get together there’s always trouble.”

  “You and anybody get together it’s trouble,” Leonard said.

  “Jesus, poor Charlie,” Brett said. “He was such a nice guy.”

  “That’s right,” I said, “he was.”

  “And you didn’t tell the cops about what happened in Mexico?” Brett asked.

  “I didn’t.”

  “That means you plan to settle it, doesn’t it?”

  “I plan to try.”

  “Which means, of course, that Leonard will try with you.”

  “I’ve dragged Leonard into enough shit.”

  “Oh, shut the fuck up,” Leonard said.

  “You’re the one complains,” I said.

  “Yeah, I complain. But you know well as I do, they’re doin’ it to you, they’re doin’ it to me, brother.”

  “But they’re not doing it to me,” John said. “I don’t like the idea of you doing this, Leonard. You said you were backing off doing things with Hap.”

  “I tried,” Leonard said. “I can’t help myself. It’s like we’re Siamese twins or something.”

  “I don’t want you to do it,” John said.

  “I love you,” Leonard said. “But Hap’s family.”

  “What the hell am I?”

  “Family. But Hap and I had a relationship first. Do I chunk that out now just because I love you? What’s that say about me? About my feelings toward Hap?”

  “I don’t know, Leonard,” John said. “What does it say?”

  “It says I’ve got to take care of my brother. That’s what it says.”

  “But he isn’t your brother. If you haven’t noticed, he’s not as dark as you are.”

  “I don’t tan well,” I said.

  “Look, John,” Leonard said. “It hasn’t got a damn thing to do with genetics. It’s got to do with spirit.”

  “Spirit. That’s rich.”

  “I’m closer to Hap than I am my own kin. He’s done more for me than any relative. He’s been there when I needed him. He’s stood by me through thick and thin. I can’t just throw that out.”

  “I appreciate it,” I said. “But you know what? Things do have to change. You’ve talked about it more than once. We’re not getting any younger. It’s time we settled down. It’s time you settled down right now. Maybe,” and I looked at Brett, “when this is all over, I can do the same.”

  “I understand,” Brett said. “You do what you got to do, Hap.”

  “I don’t see how you can say that, Brett,” John said.

  “Hap’s done for me what no one would. I wanted something from him that was dangerous, and he did it without question … I fear for him, John. But I stand by him. I want to help too.”

  John si
ghed loudly. He got up and went to the bathroom.

  I said, “Leonard. I know you’ll do what it takes, my friend. But John, you don’t want to lose him. I’ve never seen you happier. And I’m a goddamn jinx.”

  “Yes you are,” Leonard said. “Shit, man. What a fucked-up thing. Charlie, he was all right.”

  John came out of the bathroom. He went over and sat on the couch. He said, “Leonard. I love you. I don’t want you to do this. I’m afraid you’ll be hurt. But … I love you no matter what. You do this thing, I’ll be waiting when you get back. But I can’t do it with you. I’m not like Brett. I can’t help. I can’t break the law. I can’t do anything like that. It just isn’t in me.”

  “I understand that,” Leonard said. “Never expected you to. I don’t like it either. But it’s got to happen.”

  “No it doesn’t. You could still tell the police.”

  “And we might,” I said. “I just want to look into it a little first. Find out what I can. It looks to be something I think the police can solve, or will solve, then I’ll tell them what I know.”

  “Why wouldn’t they solve it?” John said. “I don’t get it.”

  “First off, it’s personal,” I said. “I like to take care of my own problems. Especially when it involves some asshole trying to kill me. Second, Mexico didn’t solve their case. In the future, they may, or may not, figure out and punish whoever killed Beatrice. But I wouldn’t count on it. Mexico is known for its corruption. It’s become a lifestyle in Mexican government, especially the police force. How do I know whoever murdered Beatrice didn’t pay someone off? How do I know it wasn’t someone involved with the police to begin with? Hell, police officers tried to rob me and Leonard, and they cut Leonard. Hadn’t been for Beatrice’s old man, they would have killed us both.

  “And if this monster came here to kill me, thinks he has, has gone home, and I tell our cops, can they get him out of Mexico? It might require a lot more than they can manage. Extradition can be a bitch.”

  “Christ,” John said. “For the first time in my life I got a real relationship. I don’t want to lose that.”

  “You won’t,” Leonard said. “I’m indestructible.”

  “Yeah,” John said. “What about that knife wound?”

  “I had an off day. Hey, even monkeys fall out of trees.”

  “Leonard. Please don’t fall. Promise me.”

  “I promise,” Leonard said. “Hap will be my support line.”

  “Shit,” Brett said. “Let’s find the sonofabitch killed Charlie, cut his nuts off, and feed them to a German shepherd. Or better yet, one of those little bitty dogs without hair.”

  23

  TWO DAYS LATER we had Charlie’s funeral. It was a simple one. No church or preacher was involved. He wouldn’t have liked that. His body was cremated and services were held at a community center. It was packed. Friends. Relatives and cops. Mostly cops. Jake was among them. He said to me, “I got a feeling more and more that I don’t know all I know about this thing. Get me?”

  “I haven’t a clue what you mean.”

  “Hap, don’t get caught. Whatever you’re doin’, don’t get caught. Whoever did this to Charlie, if you’re after the sonofabitch, I hope you succeed. But you break a law and I know about it, you know what I got to do.”

  “I do. But I don’t intend to break any laws. I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about.”

  “Yeah, right,” Jake said.

  One at a time, people got up and told things about Charlie. Stories. Incidents. Or just expressed their feelings. I was included. I said: “Charlie was a good friend. He died badly, but I know he died as bravely as is humanly possible. His killer will be found.”

  I didn’t go as far as to say how he would be found. That was still a card to play, and only Leonard, Brett, and John had seen it.

  Jim Bob Luke showed for the funeral. He got up and said a few words. Then Leonard.

  Hanson was last, and the best. He had known Charlie the longest, had worked with him closely when they were both on the police department.

  Hanson was in his motorized wheelchair. He rode it to a place beside the podium where everyone else had stood and talked. Charlie’s porkpie hat was in his lap. Hanson’s wife, Rachel, a striking black woman in a purple dress, took the microphone off the podium and gave it to him.

  Hanson held the microphone for a while, as if he might not actually speak. Then he said, “Charlie Blank was the friend everyone wanted, and if he was your friend, you were proud of it. He made you proud of yourself. Figured a guy like Charlie liked you, you had to be all right. He was a simple guy. Loved his friends. Was a wonderful cop. He loved the smell of a woman’s hair. Told me that many times. He liked dogs and hated cats. In many ways, he saved my life. He made me know it was worth living after my accident. He’s helped me with my physical therapy, and he listened to me whine about how life wasn’t worth living, and he convinced me it was worth living. I thank him for that. Right now, even with what happened to Charlie, I’m very convinced it’s worth living again.

  “He loved Wal-Mart. He was a nut for Wal-mart. And before Wal-Mart, Kmart. He was shattered when the Kmart folded. He was depressed for days, had a hard time shifting his loyalty to Wal-Mart, but when he did, he did it wholeheartedly.

  “He liked porkpie hats. In fact, I have his here. I’m going to start wearing it. I always wanted to anyway. I thought Charlie looked cool in it. I was too embarrassed to let him know. Instead, I made fun of him. From now on, I’ll wear his hat. He liked Hawaiian shirts. The gaudier the better. He liked tennis shoes and Dr. Scholl’s shoes, which he bought at Wal-Mart, and he wore a pair of one or the other every day of his life. He did jogging, played basketball, he had on those tennis shoes or Dr. Scholl’s. He went to a wedding or a funeral, he had them on. Me, Hap Collins, Leonard Pine, and God bless her, Brett Sawyer, all wore black, tie-up Dr. Scholl’s today in his honor. We love you, Charlie. We’ll never forget you.”

  Hanson put the porkpie on and Rachel wheeled him away.

  We had a small get-together at John’s house. Me and Brett. Leonard and John, of course. Hanson and Jim Bob. John fixed hot tea for all of us.

  Hanson said, “Well, what are we going to do about this?”

  “You too?” I said.

  “Been thinking about things,” Hanson said.

  “I have plans,” I said. “Sort of.”

  “Then that means Leonard has plans too,” Hanson said.

  “That’s right,” Leonard said.

  “They won’t be very smart plans,” Jim Bob said. “No offense, but from my time with you guys, I’d say you’re as dogged as pit bulls, but about as smart as two slices of bologna rubbing together on dry bread.”

  “Thanks,” Leonard said. “Nothing like a good compliment. You’re lucky you got slack with me for saving Hap’s ass that time. Otherwise, a remark like that I’d have to see if you bounced.”

  Jim Bob grinned. “What you’d find is that I not only bounce. I bounce back.”

  “Ooooeeeeee,” Leonard said. “Now my nuts are suckin’ up. You are so scary.”

  “What I’m sayin’ is it’s what I do,” Jim Bob said. “Detecting. And making things happen. What you and Hap do is fuck things up.”

  “There’s a certain truth to that,” I said.

  “Motherfucker did this, is about as mean as a rattlesnake with a stick up its ass,” Jim Bob said. “And he’s big enough to pull a building down on us. What you need is someone like me knows how to sniff this shit out. You want him found, I’m your man.”

  “That’s true,” Hanson said. “Me and Charlie were going to pick Jim Bob’s brain to start our investigations business. He’s the best.”

  I thought he probably was, and so did Leonard. But there was some kind of macho shit between them, and Leonard wasn’t eager to give Jim Bob credit for much. Not and like it. I think it had something to do with Jim Bob saving me that time. Leonard may have thought that was his job and he slacked on
me. Then again, maybe he was just disappointed he didn’t have it to hold over my head.

  “Hot tea, anyone?” John said.

  “Christ, enough with the tea, already,” Leonard said. “I’m floatin’ in the stuff.”

  “I’m nervous,” John said.

  “Plan I got is this,” Jim Bob said. “You folks set tight. I’ll make a little trip to Mexico. Do some investigating. I have a friend or two down there. They’re in the detecting business too. Mexican. Both of them. They know where all the bodies are buried. Maybe me and them can dig up the ones we need. In the meantime, might I suggest you folks stay close and stay ready. We don’t know for sure this behemoth has gone home. He may be waiting for another chance. He may know he didn’t get the right person. If we’re lucky, he went back to Mexico thinking he did what he needed to do. Or he may have just gone back anyway and plans to come back and finish the job. We’ll have to find out.”

  “Who says Mexico is his home?” Hanson said.

  “Wouldn’t it be?” Brett asked.

  “Hanson’s right,” Jim Bob said. “Assume nothing. That’s the first rule of good detecting. And always wear clean underwear in case you have a wreck. Mother told me that. I’ve tried to live by it.”

  “Have a bad enough wreck,” Brett said, “you can bet even clean underwear will fill up.”

  Jim Bob wrinkled his brows. “You know, I hadn’t even considered that.”

  24

  WE STAYED HOME and Jim Bob went to Mexico. During that time, we played it careful. Leonard decided to pack up his shotgun, vanilla cookies, John’s tea, and move John and Bob the armadillo back to his place for a while. It was out in the country and a little harder to find, and small, easier to protect. There was no certainty that he, or any of us, was in danger, of course, but it was a case of better safe than sorry.

  Brett and I hunkered down at her place. I escorted her to work and picked her up, still wearing my chicken plant uniform, my chicken plant revolver on my hip.

  Brett wore a little automatic hidden under her nurse uniform. It was in a holster fastened to her thigh. Certainly against hospital rules, but what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them.