Just an Illusion - The B Side

by D. Kelly

  “Nah, I believe you, Princess, but this,” he says, pointing between the two of us, “is new to me. I’ve got acquaintances in this business but I haven’t made any new friends since junior high. You’re the first in a long time, and I guess I need to get used to that.”

  With a sigh, I lean my head on his shoulder. “You and me both. My list of friends consists of Belle, Eli, and you guys. I like it that way, though.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I don’t care about the quantity of people in my life, only the quality of them, and you guys are top notch. Plus, it’s nice to be surrounded by people who understand what you’ve gone through. I wasn’t the famous one, but I get it, Sawyer. The fans, the traveling, the constant need for security … it’s the price you pay for your craft. As much as you love your fans, it would be nice if you could just go to the movies alone one day, right?”

  He leans his head against mine and we stay like that for a few minutes. When he finally answers, it’s with a hint of sadness. “You’re exactly right. Shopping, dinner, movies, none of that is something I can just do anymore. Our fans enable us to have this lifestyle but the price we pay for it is high. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, and if everyone wasn’t ready to settle down I’d keep going. But it gets to me sometimes.”

  “Any thoughts for what you might do after?”

  We both lean back against the headboard. Even though we’re friends, sometimes I’m afraid we’re a little too close for comfort, too.

  “Nope … well, yeah … lots of ideas. I’m going to enjoy some down time. Maybe write some music. I could go into songwriting for others, or maybe producing. I’m definitely taking Saylor and Emme to Disneyland often. I can’t fucking wait for that, actually. One of the perks of being home will be spending time with my family.”

  Family—there’s that word again. Something everyone around me has except for me.

  “You miss yours, don’t you?” I feel like his green eyes can see right into my soul. It must be a Weston brother superpower.

  “I do, but my family was never conventional. I learned a long time ago family is who you decide it is, not who God assigns you to. Belle, Eli, Veronica, you guys, that’s my family. My parents and I … we didn’t have what your family does. There was no hugging like crazy, phone calls all the time, inside jokes, we were more of a … I’ll-see-you-when-I-see-you crew.”

  “That’s sad,” he replies softly.

  “Not necessarily. To you, maybe, because you have this huge, boisterous, family. I see the difference now, but back then I didn’t know any different, so I loved them for what they were.”

  He grabs my hand and squeezes it gently. “You’re in for it now, Princess. There’s no low key with our family. Get ready to be part of loud and boisterous.”

  “Am I interrupting something?” Noah and Wyatt are standing in the doorway, their eyes locked on our hands. Sawyer drops mine like a hot potato, but I have nothing to be ashamed of.

  “Nope, you’re not interrupting a thing. I was just keeping Princess company since she’s been freaking out the last few hours and threatening to go to a hotel. Maybe next time you should let the people who care about you know when you’re going to fucking disappear so we don’t all worry someone kidnapped you.”

  Sawyer’s letting his anger shine; I follow suit. “Or, you know, so we don’t think you dropped dead somewhere after getting dizzy and cracking your head open. God, Noah, how inconsiderate could you possibly be? I’ve been calling and texting you for hours!”

  Noah is shooting daggers at Sawyer; it’s a bit disconcerting. “Mel, can I talk to you alone please?” I look back and forth between the two of them, but Sawyer only shrugs and picks up his guitar again. “Please, Mel, we need to talk.”

  I turn around and give Sawyer a hug. “Thanks for the pep talk and for changing my bandage.”

  “Anytime, Princess.”

  When I reach the door, Wyatt steps aside as Noah places his hand on my lower back and leads me into his room. I know what he’s doing. He’s staking his claim on me in front of Sawyer and I’ve had about enough of him being jealous of his brother. I take the chair far across the room so he can’t sit next to me. “Well? Talk, Noah, I’m here.”

  “Were you really going to leave?”

  He disappears all day and that’s what he wants to ask me? “Still might, so you better make this good.”

  With a frustrated sigh, he leans against the floor-to-ceiling window in front of me, blocking my view. The handle to the bedroom door jiggles followed by pounding on the door. “Noah! Open this door now!” Sawyer is screaming outside while Noah holds his head in his hands for a second before the pounding begins again. “I’m not kidding, Noah, open the fucking door!”

  Noah walks calmly to the door and talks through it. “Sawyer, I know why you’re mad. I need to talk to Mel first and then I’ll come talk to you.”

  “I can’t believe you did this! What in the world were you thinking?” Sawyer is seething; I don’t think I’ve ever heard him so angry. “Fine, but come find me as soon as you’re finished.”

  “I will,” Noah answers softly through the door. When he comes back to me, he drops to his knees in front of me looking absolutely defeated. “Don’t leave me, Mel. I need you.”

  “Do you? Really, Noah, I’m curious because this morning I woke up to an empty bed, no note, no text, no call, no nothing. I was terrified. I searched this entire house from top to bottom, inside and out. I woke people up because I was losing my ever-loving mind. I’ve been by your side every day since Thanksgiving as I’ve lived out this nightmare with you. You don’t let me out of your sight, but then suddenly you wake up today and decide you don’t need me anymore and poof … you disappear?” I snap my fingers for an added flourish.

  “What I had to do couldn’t wait, and I made sure I didn’t go alone. But I also knew everyone would be pissed at me. I figured asking for forgiveness was better than arguing beforehand.”

  Fucking hell … doesn’t he know me at all? “Noah, there isn’t much I expect in a relationship, but honesty is important. I hate secrets, and I understand they sometimes should exist to protect people from things that would hurt them. But how would you know what you had to do would bother me? Where did you go, Noah?”

  He drops his head into my lap momentarily and then looks up at me with puppy dog eyes. “I went to see Sara’s family.”

  “Oh, Noah … why?” I ask, running my hands through his hair.

  “There were things I had to know. Like, if she was always sick, and if they knew about her obsession with us. I just had so many questions and I knew if I told you, you would want to come, but …”

  “But what, Noah? Talk to me. I’m not angry I just want to understand.”

  He squeezes my thighs and continues, “She was their daughter and no matter how misguided, she had feelings for me. I didn’t want to disrespect whatever it was they knew to be true by bringing the woman I love into their home.”

  “Come on, let’s go sit on the bed.” I pull his hands and he stands up, following me to the bed. “What happened?”

  “Wyatt stayed in the car. I took him so if I felt bad I wouldn’t be alone and he could help me.” Good, at least he was thinking somewhat. “Her mom was a mess and she apologized over and over again about what happened. They knew she was sick. She’d had mental issues since she was a kid. She was on and off meds like crazy but since she was never consistent, nothing ever really worked.”

  “Nobody monitored her?” I thought there were safeguards in place for people with mental illnesses.

  “She lived at home. Her parents tried their best, but Sara was an adult … there wasn’t much they could do. I guess she never told them we broke up, so when she saw us together, and the news broke we were an item, they called her out on it. It must have set her off somehow.”

  “Jesus, that’s so sad.”

  Noah pulls me into his embrace and hugs tightl
y. Before he releases me, he kisses me tenderly. “I know you’re angry with me, Mel, and I’m truly sorry. I didn’t know if they were sane people, either. I wanted you safe, too.”

  “So were they? Sane, I mean?”

  With a nod, he answers, “Yeah, they’re just two heartbroken people. Sara was their only child. They understand why she was killed and they don’t have any ill will. They’re old, way older than my parents, and her dad is in a wheelchair. It didn’t seem like they have much, but what they do have is well-loved and taken care of. Or so it seemed.”

  He yawns. I can only imagine how tired he is; this is the most he’s been up and about in almost a week.

  “Were you there a long time?”

  “Long enough. About two hours, I guess. Look, I told Wyatt if Sawyer pressed the issue he didn’t have to lie for me. I’m sure what I’m about to tell you is why Sawyer is losing his shit. I asked when Sara’s service was and they told me they weren’t having one. They wouldn’t tell me why, but I kept pressing them on it. Her mom broke into tears and admitted they couldn’t afford it. Sara was the only one who worked in the house. I’m sure they get disability or Social Security or something but still …”

  “How much did you give them?” This beautiful man has a heart like nothing I’ve ever seen before. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me that. It’s not really any of my business.”

  “Not enough to bring back their daughter.” The effects of that night are going to stay with him for a long time. Maybe this will help him heal in his own way. “I gave them a hundred thousand dollars. I figured it’s more than enough to bury her and help ease the loss of income.”

  “Noah, you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I could never be mad at you for doing that, and I understand why you wanted to go without me. I just wish you would have texted me or left me a note. I was terrified.”

  My sniffling brings his eyes back to mine, and he trails his thumb across my bottom lip. It feels like it’s been such a long time since we’ve been intimate.

  “Her dad was so stoic. After I wrote them the check, he asked why I would do that. He seemed so skeptical of me. I suppose I can’t blame him.”

  “What did you tell him?”

  “A mixture of the truth and a lie but one they deserved to hear. I told them I loved Sara very much at one point in time and I was incredibly sad she’s gone. Then I explained had she come to me for help I would have tried to get it for her. So the least I could do is help them since she no longer can.” He hangs his head in sadness “I wish I had loved her, Mel. I wish I wouldn’t have had to lie to them about that, but Sara wasn’t really loveable … she was too busy looking out for herself. After seeing how bad off her parents are, though, I can even understand that, too.”

  “You did a good thing today, Noah. I’m proud of you.”

  “Really?” He’s shocked; I’m sad he thought I’d be anything but.

  “Of course. Even if you didn’t love her, you cared about her once and that counts for something. I know this has been hard on you. It’s okay to grieve the loss of the girl you once cared for.”

  Noah lays back and pulls me with him, his mouth meeting mine in a slow, tantalizing kiss. His love pours through with every stroke of his tongue, and I let the emotion fill me from head to toe. After he pulls away, he leans his forehead against mine. “I’m sorry, Mel, can you forgive me?”

  My heart is still racing from our kiss when I give him my answer. “Under one condition.”

  “Name it.”

  “Don’t keep me in the dark again. I’m not just any girl, and I don’t freak out easily. I don’t need to keep you on a leash … I only need to know you’re safe. What would you have done if I’d disappeared without a trace?”

  A dark look crosses his face and he shakes it off. “You don’t want to know. I promise from now on I’ll tell you before I leave the house.”

  “Good. You should probably know that Sawyer had your phones traced. He’s pretty pissed you were at the mall.”

  Noah swallows hard. “Yeah, about that … I wanted to get you a present, but I couldn’t find what I was looking for so it was kind of a bust.”

  I trace a path down his cheek with my fingers before moving my hands back to play with his hair. “You should have come home and rested. I don’t need anything, Noah. Everything I could want is right here in this bed.” He moves his hand to my hip and pulls me close to him. My lady bits are screaming for attention but my mind is in control right now. “How much pain are you in today?”

  The sheepish look on his face tells me all I need to know. “I know you felt like you had to do these things but all you have to do it take it easy. Your follow-up isn’t even until tomorrow, you shouldn’t be overdoing it.” I roll over and take a bottle of water from the nightstand and hand him a couple acetaminophen tablets.

  After he takes the pills, he sits up and gets off the bed. “I promise I’ll take it easy after this until I see the doctor, but right now I need to talk to Sawyer. Alone.”

  “Alright, I’ll be here. But he was really worried about you earlier, too. Try and remember how much he cares about you before you yell back at him.”

  “I’ll do my best,” he replies, giving me one final kiss before he goes to talk to Sawyer. I’m so tired I decide to rest my eyes for a little bit while I wait for him to come back.

  I wake up a few hours later with Noah asleep next to me. It’s early afternoon and I’m starving so I decide to go make us something to eat and surprise Noah with lunch in bed. When I make it into the kitchen, Sawyer is sitting at the table, alone, with a nearly empty bottle of scotch.

  “I’m going to make some food. Do you want something to eat?” I ask, hoping he’ll take me up on it and sober up.

  “Are you really not mad at him?” His words are slurred but his tone is filled with hurt.

  “For which part?”

  “Going over there, giving them money, not telling us he was doing something so epically stupid.” He refills his glass and downs it like water.

  After opening the cabinet and pulling out a pan, I look around for what I need to make grilled ham and cheese sandwiches. “I’m glad he took Wyatt with him. I’m not happy he didn’t tell me first, but I understand it more now.” As the butter melts in the pan, I layer up the sandwiches on a plate next to the stove.

  “What about the money?”

  After popping the first sandwich in the melted butter, I turn around and cross my arms. “What about it? It’s his money, Sawyer, not mine.”

  He eyes me up, assessing me, and I wonder what is going on in that head of his. I flip the sandwich then turn back around, waiting for him to say something. When I plate the first sandwich and put the second in the pan, he finally speaks. “It will be. Hell, it might as well be. You know he’s going to marry you.”

  After grabbing a few paper towels from the roll, I walk the sandwich over to him. “Eat this, please, and I’ll keep talking to you.”

  He looks down at it like it’s the best thing he’s ever seen. Even though it’s hot, he devours the first half in three bites. Moaning in appreciation, he looks back to me as I flip the second sandwich.

  “Look, Sawyer, I love your brother, but I’m not his keeper. The last thing on my mind is his money and what he does with it. I’ve got more than enough of my own to worry about his. But I do think what he chooses to do with it at times is admirable. A family lost their only child to mental illness, and their child also happens to be someone Noah used to care for. I don’t see anything wrong with him helping them out and easing his conscience.”

  As I make the last sandwich, Sawyer puts his plate in the sink. “That was good, thank you. But you didn’t answer me … What are you going to do when he marries you?”

  With a laugh, I turn around, my laughter coming to a halt when I see him looking at me like a wounded puppy. “You actually didn’t ask me anything about getting married. You pointed out he w
as going to marry me. I don’t know the answer to that, Sawyer. If … Someday, when … Noah and I choose to get married, that will be his choice. Personally, I love the random things he does to make other’s lives better because he’s fortunate enough to do so. If he’s financially stable enough to help others, more power to him.”

  Sawyer rubs his head and blinks his eyes. I think he’s about to pass out for the rest of the day. “Do you think I should do that? Be more philanthropic?”

  “Sawyer,” I say as I turn off the burner and plate the last sandwich. “You should do whatever makes you happy. Most days I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. The bulk of my parent’s money is sitting in an account accruing interest. The rest gets donated. That makes me feel better about the rest since I have no clue what to do with it.”

  Placing my hand over his heart, I continue, “You have to do whatever makes your heart happy. Nothing else is worth it. You also have to stop comparing yourself to your brother. The two of you are completely different people, both equally amazing, both with huge hearts and an incredible love for family. Stop being so hard on yourself. You’ve got your whole life to do good things.”

  His eyes are glassy and he flashes me one of those genuine smiles again, where his dimple shows and his childhood innocence shines through. “Thanks, Princess, I needed that. Tell Noah I’m sorry for fighting with him. I was just …”

  “Worried,” I answer for him, but he shakes his head.

  “Not only worried … I was being protective of you. I’m your friend and I don’t like to see you in pain, but he’s my brother and I should know better because Noah would rather die than hurt you. I’m going to go sleep this off. Thanks for the sandwich and the chat, Princess.”

  When Sawyer walks away, I lean up against the counter and catch my breath. How can I feel so much for a man I’m not in a relationship with? Sawyer is a wonderful friend, but there’s so much of something between us lying beneath the surface. It’s not only attraction … it’s deeper than that. I wonder if it’s like a twin connection thing. I should do some research on twins and their spouses and see if I can find anything that alludes to what I’m feeling. It’s the only explanation I can come up with.