Bunnygirls 2

by Simon Archer

  “Tinker.” I put a bit more oomph into my voice, attempting another shoulder grab.

  “And I put extra ammunition in your pockets,” Another deft dodge, and she still didn’t stop her anxious rant. “Pistol magazines in the left pocket, shotgun rounds in the right, and rifle cartridges in your front pocket in your overalls, just in case the charm malfunctions, but I checked and fixed all of the charms so they won’t have any wear for another few weeks, or you accidentally tap the charm and turn it off, but I also changed that charm’s on-off switch sequence to a precise swirling pattern so it can’t be turned off by accident, so that way I’ll never have to worry about you being hurt ever forever for never ever and--”

  “Tinker!” I bent down and kissed her lips to shut her up for two seconds, let her calm down. “I am very, very appreciative of what you and Hopper have done to help me. What I need from you right now is to have a little faith that, no matter what happens, I will be fine at the end of this. You’ve done everything you possibly can. You have done enough. I can’t have you worrying about me while I’m fighting up there, and I’ve got to go it alone. But with all of this prep work,” I pulled on my clothes, hearing the jingling of ammunition in the pockets just like Tinker said, “I will be more than okay. I could get sucked up by a spaceship flying above us right in the middle of the fight and still have options with you two supplying me.”

  “Do you think that could happen?” A legitimate worry stretched Hopper’s eyelids open.

  That was not helping, Hopper, but maybe that was my fault. I should have realized that Tinker’s external anxiety was also indicative of Hopper’s internal turmoil. They were both just as worried about me in their own way.

  “Hopper, find a few hundred feet of rope from the shipyard and weave them together.” Tinker had already formulated an emergency plan for alien abduction as soon as she thought it might have happened. “I’ll make an anchoring point we can stick into the stone wall behind the throne and a set of rings for a harness you’ll make for Lord Hank to wear, and we can keep him anchored to the keep in case there are any flying kidnappers during the fight!”

  “On it!” Hopper had already created a portal into the hallways of the keep with the intention of chaining a path of them to the boats. I had to grab her shoulder in the middle of Hopper’s explanation to keep her here.

  “Girls!” I pulled the brakes on the crazy-scheme train with every inch of power I had. “I am going to be fine! Really! I understand that you’re worried about me, but I can handle myself in a fight. You’ve both seen it. I’m a big boy and can fight my big boy battles and win my big boy challenges. And I happen to specialize in making the most out of anything. With everything you two have done, my victory’s practically guaranteed. We just have to make it official.”

  “Sorry, my lord.” Hopper gave me a puppy-dog pout as she apologized. “We never meant to imply that you were capable enough to handle this without us.”

  “I am handling it because of you, you sexy idiot!” I kissed her on the lips. “Both of you! Sexy idiots! You’ve both been essential to everything I’ve ever accomplished, and you’re helping me out even now. I just need you to sit back and let me take care of this with all of the support you’ve already given. It’ll be like you’re both right there with me, and I’m going to beat this guy because of it.”

  “We know.” Tinker pulled herself up to a kiss on my cheek. “We just also know this guy’s going to get you hurt. So be careful, big guy.” I turned my head, finding Tinker’s lips waiting for me as she stayed in her position, then slowly let herself down. “Uh, sir. My lord Baron.”

  “I mean no offense, but I’m hoping a little that some of that champion’s followers resist your leadership, my lord,” Hopper admitted strangely, “My night in Tinker’s schedule isn’t for a couple of days, and I’ve got some stress I need to beat out of somebody.”

  “If this fight ends early enough, I can start the clock earlier.” I kissed her on the cheek. “I’ve got nothing else on the agenda today.”

  “Um, I also have stress that needs beating out of somebody.” Tinker leaned into my chest. “I usually don’t beat people up, though, but if Hopper’s okay with it, I’d like to join in early, too.”

  “What kind of monster would I be if I said no to that?” I kissed her, and then Hopper on the foreheads. “Now get somewhere safe. The champion’s probably almost here by now.”

  Lo-and-behold, I was right, looking out through the gate as I spotted the gaudy display of wealth and power that the champion challenger came riding in on. Eight horsemen, or rather horseWolves, surrounded the horse-drawn and knight-driven black carriage in the middle, two in the front, two in the back, and two on each side. Each was adorned in black plate armor and templar-like helmets for dog faces, with chainmail filling out the spaces between the metal plates. Thick gold trim filled out the edges of each plate, and a golden royal seal emblazoned on the breastplate, by where a human’s heart would be. The symbol on the seal was of a wolf’s paw print laid over top two crossing slashes of three claws in a checkered pattern of X’s.

  The horse-creatures they rode on were like a mix between a draft horse and tyrannosaurus, with three claws on big dinosaur feet instead of hooves, broader shoulders and thicker legs. They had longer tails ending in shaggy horsehair, a longer, maneless, and more flexible neck, and big tyrannosaurus jaws on its otherwise horsey head. Let me tell you, I learned that the cheeks of a horse’s mouth in my world were a blessing. They were meant to hide the horrible sight of its jaw opening up to an almost full right angle without being stopped by fleshy webbing. I wished I could have unseen those two rows of teeth as one of them yawned.

  The carriage was just like the Wolf knights, with thick golden trim with black lines patterned like spiderwebbed embroidery, and a great big wolf paw seal on the door. Like something ripped straight out of a fairytale for flashy goths, the wheels were intricately designed with wolf skulls whittled into the spokes, and gigantic to show off how totally not insecure this challenger was about himself. Besides that, both of the sides of it had much more wood on it than was necessary at the top, with long wiggles of painted wood slithering up and out like an explosive fire. All the designs and intricacy directed your eyes straight to the door to witness whoever was going to step out of it in a grand display of pompous superiority. Even the dino-horse was a status symbol, a sturdier, bigger, and more powerful specimen than the other eight around it. It had its own armor and a saddle, tipping me off to its own position as Wildheart’s personal steed.

  With Captain Balto guiding them on foot in the front, they came into my courtyard as decadently as possible, in strict military fashion, the knights coming to surround my courtyard as if they owned the place and creating a half-circle of horses to block the entrance. As my gates shut behind them, the carriage parked itself at an angle so that the champion could pop out.

  And pop out he did, with an explosion that slapped the door against the back wheel, cracking both while a large red gauntlet stuck out of the opening, followed by a very broad Wolf, sporting just as much gold as black on his plate armor, and a red cape. His other gauntlet was black and gold like the rest of him, and smaller than the red one, holding a dog head-shaped helmet against his side. He was a tall one for a wolf, though not as tall as the old Baron’s gigantic size, still standing at almost eight feet, with glossy black hair, short like a jackal’s. At his side was a massive sword that’d have taken two hands for someone like me, and a round buckler shield the size of a monster truck tire rested on his back.

  “Rejoice, for I am the angel of death!” The champion waved his bigger red hand out in a boisterous gesture, projecting his comic-book hero voice as proudly as possible. “I have come for your city’s baron in the name of Regent Silverfang! You may call me Sir Wildheart, but very soon, you will be calling me your new lord of all that your former leader had laid claim to! Find rest in the knowledge that this is his own fault!”

  4

&nb
sp; I was so happy to have the opportunity to take this guy’s stuff. So absolutely happy. The good Lord had blessed me this day. Sir Wildheart stepped down from his carriage, letting it bounce back up as it rebounded off the champion’s weight. He walked up to take his spotlight on this grand stage of tarps he thought himself in. He was going to become quite the show, alright. Just because I was about to fight for my very life didn’t mean I couldn’t have had a little fun beforehand.

  “Now, tell me, where is your baron, slave?” The champion directed his gaze everywhere else except me in my chair. “I had heard there was a change to the leadership around here. Such a warrior who could defeat that vicious brute who ruled before must be of impeccable mettle. Announce to him my presence so that we may do battle. By this rather…” Wildheart looked down at the tarps below us. “… unorthodox battlefield preparation I see here, I should expect that he has heard of my arrival. Stand up, now, I’m sure that he wouldn’t want his time wasted, and I certainly will not tolerate it.”

  I had dealt with this before, the overlooking of my lordly status based on my race. Apparently, the jacket with the gold lace and armored plating wasn’t enough for him to get past the whole “only Wolves can be nobles” thing he had so ingrained into his psyche that he wouldn’t even consider what was right in front of him. I was never one to stop a jackass from digging his own grave to give me what I wanted. Made it more fun to kick his ass later.

  “So you’ve heard about that?” I said, keeping a calm demeanor and letting him infer what he wanted. “Very nasty business. Had this whole place in an uproar. Huge systematic upheaval and everything. Is that why you came here, to challenge the new baron?”

  I already knew the answer was ‘no,’ but any extra information I could have gleaned from this guy could only help us. The longer he talked, the more likely he would have given us some actionable intel, or maybe even slip up and leak something crucial. Get anyone talking long enough, and they’d have let you know everything that they did, so long as you were listening.

  “That is no concern of yours, slave.” Wildheart put a hand on the pommel of his sword. “You need only to bring the baron out. If you are too inept or too dense to understand that, perhaps another slave will assist. I had only assumed that you were of some importance to him due to your coat and the rifle you’re carrying for him. I must have been wrong if you cannot obey even the simplest orders.”

  “I am not obligated to follow your orders.” I leaned back in my chair. “You can state your business here and now, for everyone to hear. There are no secrets within these walls.” Or, at least, there wouldn’t have been when I was done with him.

  “So, he can hear us, then?” Wildheart took a few steps backward to return to center stage to make his performance visible to all. “Let him know that his tactics of hiding and cowardice do not impress me. I had thought that a noble capable of defeating that bloated creature would have the stones to show himself to me like a true Wolf! Face his end with dignity and pride. I had come to kill the old Baron, this is true. But maybe I would have been better off not coming at all. How could a leader who hides behind Rabbits ever pose a threat to the Regent, anyway? Or perhaps I’ve only been hearing rumors and lies about the old Baron. Perhaps this new, pathetic, impaired, stumped baron just took advantage of a heart attack. It certainly seems like I’m wasting my time here. I see no warriors who would stand a chance against me.” Impaired and stumped? I thought this big jackal Wolf was told that our former wheelchair jockey Timberpine became the new baron. Eh, that would have been his disadvantage when he underestimated me.

  “If you’re willing to leave of your own will, that’s perfectly fine.” I shrugged, resting my head on my fist with an elbow against the armrest. “We’ll all have a lovely Blood Moon banquet without you. Goodbye.” No, I wasn’t going to participate in the Blood Moon, but having it as the topic of conversation would have allowed us to learn more about what this guy knew.

  “Don’t play coy with me, you insipid hare!” The jackal-like Wolf stomped toward me with a crack in his pride. “All of your baron’s bunnies are the property of the Regent! One way or another, baron or no baron, every last one will be passed into his custody. If he wants to still participate in a banquet with His Excellence, he will give them up willingly, and the Regent might consider giving him an invitation. Though I will advise against it since he’s done everything in his power to insult me.”

  “All the bunnies?” I sat back up, pretending to haggle to draw the conversation out. “We'll need a few, at least, to keep up our supply of slaves, and even bunnies, at least until the next Blood Moon.”

  “This is not a negotiation,” Wildheart growled, “And even if it was anything remotely close to one, any chance of favorable terms for your city’s bunnies were lost as soon as your baron decided to use a hare as a liaison. If Timberpine won’t come out here himself--!”

  “Timberpine is dead.” I looked the champion in the eye. “Very elaborate affair. The battleground encompassed the whole city. I’m sure you would have thought it was quite a sight to see. Now, you would be so kind as to hear--?”

  “You can’t be serious.” The champion faltered in his bravado, pumping up his energy to compensate. “I was told not to fall for any tricks that might be pulled when I came here, but this is just ridiculous nonsense. Does Timberpine expect me to believe that I’ll just leave his little town alone if I thought there was some sort of powerful noble around here that no one had heard of, even our scryer? How stupid does he think I am? Send him out here, and I’ll end the cripple myself to stop all of this stupidity.”

  “You’ll have to fish him out of the harbor yourself.” My eyes didn’t waver. “We’ve lost track of him since he was dumped there. Though, I suspect he’ll be a fair bit more digested by the wildlife than you were hoping when you do find him.”

  The champion charged over to me, grabbing me by the collar of my shirt as he lifted me up. I put my hand up to keep the very distressed Hopper from jumping to the rescue, who already had a portal open above him and a foot ready to crack him open like an egg. I was confident we could have still gotten more out of him, yet.

  “I’m done with these games, slave.” His sour breath stung my eyeballs. “Bring Timberpine out here so I can end this farce already. Your insistence upon this lie does nothing to help you or your master. It only makes me angry. You are not convincing anyone here that he’s dead, so get him out here before I snap your neck.”

  “What is your plan here?” I asked him, “Would a proud Wolf noble like you care if one of your slaves was killed? Would that make you outraged enough to come out here on your own, spoil your big scheme? I’m failing to see the logical throughline in your strategy.”

  “Tell me, Rabbit.” More sour breath in my face from the Anubis-wannabe. “What’s stopping me from killing you, then slaughtering all of the nobles in the city until I cut the legs out from right under your baron?” Wildheart’s deliberately toothy smile sent a disgusting shiver down my spine, along with his wheezing laugh at his own attempt to be funny. “Because that’s starting to sound like an easier plan than pissing around with you while we wait for your lord to find wherever he misplaced his spine. Or you could live a little longer and just tell me where he is so I can find and kill him myself. How’s that for a negotiation?”

  “There’s only one lord in the city, and you’re the one insisting on pissing around and waiting for him instead of using your common sense.” My voice was growing squeakier and higher as the champion’s grip tightened in his anger. “This would have all gone along smoothly if you just let us talk this out from the beginning. Why did you have to go and make this so difficult for yourself?”

  “What has made you so loyal to Timberpine?” The champion’s eyes tried to glean from mine the answer he sought. “Is it the coat? I know it’s probably the most luxurious thing a piece of filth like you has ever even witnessed but is it really worth your life? What could he have done to you that you wou
ld die to give him just a minute more to avoid my blade?”

  “I heard it’ll be one hell of a Blood Moon this year,” I said, counting on a little Cunningham’s law to get him to correct my misinformation with details. “It’s my first one. I hear it’s going to be full of rich rewards for many.”

  “Oh, really?” Wildheart loosened his grip as he smiled a faux smile. “Did your precious lord Timberpine tell you that? He must be close by, then, if you’re willing to get so close to death to get a reward in the future. Let me let you in on a little secret, so you’re more informed in your decisions.” He brought his voice down to a whisper. “You only get those rewards by eating bunnies, and it only works if you’re a Wolf. You would get absolutely nothing, and we will be getting everything. Even if I were to leave you alive, everything went perfectly in your tiny little mind, and you went to the Blood Moon banquet, you would only see Wolves consuming live bunnies by the mouthful. I’m certainly going to be rewarded at the Blood Moon banquet, but you’d have spent those two months before hoping and hoping, only to see what I assume for you would be a horrific sight. That would have been a very long time for you, I imagine, but it’ll be a drop in the bucket for me come the solstice.”

  There we go, a timetable. Two months until the Blood Moon on the solstice. That still gave us some room to work with, at least. More than enough to find the Regent’s Mana Crusher generator and save the bunny inside, but not enough time to save all of the bunnies if I didn’t figure out how to put a stop to the Blood Moon banquets all over the Great Burrows. The old nobles trying to get rid of this ‘Forgetting’ I heard about must have been thinking that was right around the corner if they were collecting and censusing their bunnies more than a year beforehand. And they really were all desperate to get rid of it, even this champion asshat. It made me wonder what they thought they were missing out on.