He turned and stormed away, and I knew better than to follow. There was nothing I could say that would make this better, nothing at all. And now I’d just possibly destroyed not only my business with my partner, but my relationship with my best friend.
24
Izzi
A knock sounded at my door. “Coming!” I called.
I wasn’t expecting Emma. Who could it be? Possibly John? My heart raced at the possibility, both with excitement and with fear. I didn’t know how to tell him that I was pregnant. I hadn’t even told Emma yet.
How could I have been so stupid? I should have had condoms with me. Or been on the pill. Or both. I had proven myself to be the stupid little girl that I’d been so desperate to show that I wasn’t. Now my being pregnant might ruin everything and make an already-messy situation even worse.
But when I opened the door, instead of John or Emma, it was Dad.
“Hey!” I said in surprise. I tried to put a smile on. No way could Dad find out what was going on. “What’s up?”
Dad strode in and I realized his face was like a thunder cloud. I closed the door behind him, swallowing down nerves. “Everything okay?”
He turned and looked at me. “What’s going on between you and John?”
The question hit me like a freight train. “What—what are you talking about?” I tried to lie.
I could tell it didn’t work. Dad shook his head at me. “John told me that he wants to be with you. And it was implied—did you sleep with him?”
“Dad—where is this coming from?”
“John told me that there was something going on between you two. That he had feelings for you.”
Part of me was elated to hear that John had said that. I had hoped, a little, after the way he’d opened up to me the other day, that this wasn’t just sex for him and that it was his professionalism and concerns keeping him back from me, not a lack of interest. But that didn’t mean I’d expected him to tell anyone about it or even admit it out loud.
The other part of me was sick with shock. How could John have talked about our relationship without warning me first? He had to know that Dad would be pissed, and now I was blindsided.
“Did he take advantage of you?” Dad demanded. “Did he coerce you?”
“What? No!” I stood my ground. “Dad, my choices were my own. I didn’t do anything I didn’t want to do. If we’re talking about—I seduced him, honestly, not the other way around.”
“So, you two did sleep together?” Dad sounded triumphant but also horrified, like he was glad to be right but also upset that his worst fears were proven to be true.
Hoo boy. There was no room for denial, even though I had walked right into that one. “Yes, Dad. We slept together. A couple of times. And it wasn’t sordid or anything like what you’re thinking. John’s a gentleman. He’s been eaten up with guilt the entire time over this.”
Dad eyed me. “Of course, you’d say that.” I got the impression that he wasn’t mad at me, but rather mad at John. “Honey, you’re young, I get it. But when an older man—”
“It’s not like that!” I interrupted. “I understand your fear and where you’re coming from, trust me. I know that there are older men out there—that it’s this whole thing, I know that it’s sick and wrong. But that’s not what’s going on with John. He’s not attracted to me because of my age. He didn’t even think about it until I basically—I seduced him, not the other way around!”
Dad looked absolutely gobsmacked. His mouth was actually hanging open a little.
I knew I wasn’t going to get another, or a better, chance to explain so I barreled forward. “I’ve been in love with John for years. I’m the one who made the move, I’m the one who gave him the idea. This is on me, not him. You can’t get mad at him.”
“You don’t get to tell me what I can and can’t do,” Dad snapped. “You may think you love him—”
“I don’t think, I know!” I was well aware that I sounded like the stupid teenage protagonist of every romance film ever, and I cringed inwardly. “I want to be a family with him. This isn’t just about sex.”
Dad shook his head. “No. No, you need to be with someone your own age. Someone who isn’t your goddamn boss at your job. Someone who isn’t my best friend! He’s still grieving over his wife a decade later and you decided you were going to seduce him? I’m disappointed in you, Izzi. You should’ve known better. This is a bad idea on every level.”
I had nothing to say. I was devastated. I wish I could tell him about the pregnancy, that this wasn’t something that was going away, that we’d crossed a point of no return—but I had a feeling that would only make him angrier.
Dad gave me a firm glare, the way he used to the few times I really messed up as a kid and got into trouble. “You’re not seeing him again, young lady. This is the end of it.”
Then he turned and walked out the door, slamming it behind him.
I winced. Fuck.
Telling my parents about John and me had been the last thing on my list. I’d been busy trying to figure out how to get John to take the idea of our relationship seriously and give me a chance, and then I’d been busy freaking out how to tell him I was pregnant. I’d thought I’d have more time before I had to explain things to my parents, and I’d hoped that when it happened, John and I would be a united front, telling them together.
Now this was exploding around me and I didn’t know what to do.
No, wait, I knew what I had to do. I had to talk to John.
He’d told my dad about us, without warning me first or asking my permission. It frustrated and upset me, but maybe—maybe this was a good thing, overall?
John wouldn’t have said anything to my dad if he didn’t take our relationship at least a little bit seriously, right? Why else would he tell him? Telling my dad only created a rift between them, obviously, so there was no point. I supposed John’s conscience could’ve been extremely loud but…
At last, I had hope.
I headed right to John’s house so that we could set things straight between us. I tried not to let myself be too hopeful. Maybe this was just a chance for us to say goodbye, who knew? But I couldn’t stop the tiny little bubble in my chest that made me feel a bit like I was floating, the bubble that told me that maybe, just maybe, I could get the man I wanted.
When I got to John’s house, however, Angelica opened the door.
Oh dear. I couldn’t possibly have this conversation where Angelica could overhear it. Not only was it inappropriate, it might upset her.
“Hey Izzi!” Angelica grinned at me with relief. “I’m so glad you’re here, I was just going to ask my dad if I could have you come over.”
I was surprised by her enthusiasm. “Well lucky me, then, what’s up?”
Angelica grabbed my hand and pulled me in. She seemed nervous but also excited. “I was hoping for your help with—Dad! Izzi’s here! I’m taking her to my room!” Angelica yelled.
I winced.
“Dad’s been in his office all day,” Angelica told me conspiratorially. “I don’t know what’s up, I think he’s upset about something, but he won’t tell me.”
“I think it might be smart to give him space,” I told her. “You want him to give you space when you’re upset, and it’s good to treat others the way we want to be treated, lead by example, that kind of thing.”
Angelica nodded, listening intently, and then she grinned. “Anyway, what I wanted to show you…”
She took me upstairs to her room and opened her closet. Angelica’s room was still a bit young for a girl of twelve. Pretty soon she’d want to give it a makeover. I made a mental note to talk to John about that, see if maybe that could be something he and Angelica did together, a way for them to bond still as father and daughter.
“The dance is coming up, and I need the perfect outfit!” Angelica started taking dresses out of her closet. “I could go shopping for a new dress, but I have a lot already…”
John s
poiled her a little bit with the clothes, I could see. “I think that was a really smart and mature decision. Why get something new when you have so many lovely clothes already? I bet most of your classmates haven’t seen you in these anyway, so it’ll be new for them.”
Angelica smiled at me a little shyly, like she was glad that I was proud of her decision but was trying not to be too obvious about it. It was a new sensation, being a person that someone looked up to. I still felt so young a lot of the time, struggling to figure myself out and to know what to do, but to Angelica I was this cool mature woman who had it all together. I just hoped I wouldn’t let her down. I cared about her a lot and she was such a great kid, she needed positive people in her life.
“Let’s go through what your options are,” I said. “Does the dance have a theme?”
Angelica eagerly chatted with me about the dance, bombarding me with questions along the way. Could she ask a boy to dance or did he have to always ask her? How should she dance? How should she do her hair? How much makeup could she wear?
I knew John would kill for Angelica to be this talkative with him, but I was confident I could get her to open up a bit more to him with time. And I doubted he cared all that much about makeup, anyway.
God, she was already growing up so fast. Twelve years old was still a child, one hundred percent, but she wasn’t a toddler or a baby anymore. Angelica was growing like a weed, she cared about boys, she was her own person. It made me suddenly, painfully aware of the passage of time and how before we knew it, she’d be an adult, and I sat down on the bed, just watching her as she ran around her room like a whirlwind.
Angelica paused. “What’s up?”
I startled. “Nothing, nothing.”
“You look a little sad.”
I laughed. “Well, it’s just that I’ve known you since you were a baby. I remember when you were little, and we went on vacation together, and all you wanted to do was build sandcastles. And now you’re so grown up.”
Angelica smiled and blushed, preening a little. “I’m not as grown up as you.”
“No, you’re not, but you’re growing up very quickly and it’s bittersweet, that’s all.” I got up and hugged her. “But I’m excited to watch you and see what kind of fantastic person you become.”
Angelica hugged me back. “Thanks, Izzi. You’re the best.”
“As for the dance, honestly, after everything we’ve talked about.” I sat her down on the bed. “Angelica, just be confident. Okay? Even if you don’t feel it, fake it ‘til you make it. Nobody can tell that you’re faking. And everybody loves a confident person. There’s nothing that draws people to you more, or impresses people more, then someone who believes in themselves. Okay? So whatever dress you pick, whatever hairstyle you do, you just walk in there with your head held high and know that you’re going to rock it.”
Angelica smiled at me and nodded. “Okay, Izzi.”
She hugged me again. “Thanks.”
I hugged her back, and that was when over her shoulder, I saw John standing in the doorway, smiling at us. Had he been here the entire time? Watching us? He seemed… happy to see us interacting.
My heart picked up again, and the bubble of hope in my chest got a little bigger.
25
John
I’d heard the sound of a car pulling into our drive and had assumed it was Garrett to chew me out again or maybe to take even more formal steps, to tell me that he’d removed Izzi from the company or that he was putting me on administrative leave or something to keep us separated.
Then I’d heard Izzi’s voice, and I’d panicked a little.
Did she know what had happened? I wasn’t sure. She might, or she might not. If she didn’t know then I wasn’t sure how to tell her how badly I’d fucked things up, and so I almost wished that she did know—but at the same time I worried about how Garrett would’ve told her, and I didn’t want him to blame her or attack her for any of this. I should’ve been better, I should’ve handled all of this a different way.
I had honestly been relieved when Angelica had absconded with Izzi to her bedroom. I was aware that Angelica had a school dance coming up for her sixth grade class but after a few inquiries had been rebuffed, I’d stopped asking about it. I didn’t want to pry, and I wanted Angelica to feel like I trusted her.
Thank God that Izzi was talking to her about it, though, because it meant that Angelica was getting advice from a responsible adult and I could stop worrying.
After about a half an hour, curiosity had gotten the better of me. I had to know what they were talking about and how it was going. After dinner with Penny hadn’t gone well, and then telling Garett had been a disaster, I just wanted to make sure that Izzi and Angelica got along as well as I hoped.
I got up and went to Angelica’s room, leaning against the door frame. To my surprise, Izzi was sitting on the bed with her and telling her to be confident and brave, and that was how she would win people over and have fun at the dance.
My heart swelled. Angelica looked at Izzi with such faith and happiness, and Izzi’s voice was so kind and affirming. She was saying the same things to my daughter that I would, if Angelica had asked me about the dance. I didn’t know much about what was fashionable for the kids these days, and I didn’t think I’d give good advice on social stuff, but it was important to me that my daughter was proud of herself and felt confident.
The difference between Penny and Izzi’s methods of talking to Angelica was stark. Penny treated Angelica like a child, and Angelica, while still young, wasn’t six anymore. Izzi was treating Angelica like someone who was mature, and I could see that Angelica appreciated that. Penny’s relationship with Angelica would never develop as long as she continued to talk to Angelica in a way that Angelica found condescending. But Izzi could be there for Angelica in the way that I hoped, the way that Angelica needed.
Izzi caught me watching as she hugged Angelica, and she blushed and smiled. I couldn’t help but smile back. It felt so natural.
“You two having fun?” I asked as silence fell.
Angelica turned and rolled her eyes at me. “Daaaaaaaad,” she said.
“Hey, hey, I’m just here to make sure that you’re not picking anything scandalous.” I wagged my finger at her playfully. “Nothing see-through.”
“Aw, darn,” Izzi said, teasing me, “that’s exactly the dress I’d picked out for her.”
Angelica made a face. “You guys are weird.”
Once Angelica’s back was turned, Izzi winked at me.
“Seriously,” I said, adopting a more serious tone, “I came up to let you know it’s time to get ready for bed. Can you clean all this up and brush your teeth, please?”
Angelica rolled her eyes again but then nodded. “Okay.”
“Thanks, I appreciate your cooperation,” I said, instead of the instinctive good girl that I wanted to say. Angelica wanted to be treated more like an adult, so I was trying to do that.
Izzi gave me a thumbs-up on the sly to let me know she approved.
Once her room was cleaned up and Angelica was tucked in, Izzi and I went to my home office to talk. “I’m guessing that you didn’t come here just to help my daughter pick out a dress.”
Izzi followed me into the study and shut the door behind her. “No.” She took a deep breath. “We need to talk, about a few things. First—”
I fully expected her to bring up Garrett, but that wasn’t what Izzi said at all.
“—Penny took me out to lunch and spoke with me.”
“Penny?” Why would she do that?
“She was…” Izzi looked conflicted. “I hate to betray her confidence. I’m not a fan of her. You’ll soon understand why. But I don’t like the idea of sharing someone else’s secret. But I think you need to know this, or you won’t understand the rest.”
“If this is about her wanting to date me, trust me, I already know.”
Izzi heaved a sigh of relief. “Oh thank God, I didn’t want to tell y
ou if you didn’t… well, anyway. She was really jealous of me and I figured that out pretty quickly even though she tried to hide it by saying she was concerned about my… intentions towards you. She took me out to lunch and called me a bunch of, um, a bunch of names, and told me I wasn’t good enough for you and to stay away from you, and…”
“She what!?” My fists clenched with rage.
How dare Penny do something like that? How dare she step so out of line? It wasn’t her right to say any of that. Even if she hadn’t been doing it to try and get her chance with me, even if she had been doing it all just as a friend, platonically—it still would’ve been out of line to do that. Especially to say all of those things!
Rage boiled in me. It wasn’t Penny’s place to do any of that. To step in and speak for me. And it sure as fuck wasn’t her right to talk to Izzi like that, even if it wasn’t on my behalf.
Izzi winced. “I don’t want to ruin your friendship with her. I know Penny and I aren’t close, but I know that you really care about her and she’s one of your best friends, so I don’t—but I need you to know this.”
“What exactly did she say?” I demanded.
Izzi looked distraught, but she told me exactly what Penny had said to her. I was furious. I hadn’t been this angry in ages. I wanted to go to Penny’s house right that instant and bang her door down until she got up and I could demand she apologize to Izzi, and to me.
How could she do this to me? I felt like our entire friendship was a sham. And I was pretty damn sure that friendship wouldn’t be lasting for much longer at this rate.
“There was something else that she said,” Izzi added. “She said that—that you’d sworn not to marry. You’d promised to never be with another woman.”
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