Underneath

by Andie M. Long

  I fold my arms around myself. ‘And?’

  ‘One time when we were talking about school days, she was having a right go about you. I stuck up for you, saying that I’d always thought you were alright and that it wasn’t you who’d bullied her anyway. She went mad, accusing me of fancying you and saying I was only with her because I was forced to be. She developed a bit of an obsession about you, saying you’d let her down and that all this was your fault, that you were ruining her marriage.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I know. I told her she was being ridiculous. We tried for another baby and got our Tyler. She calmed down for a bit after that.’ He sighs. ‘A couple of years ago I had an affair, first of a few to be honest. I don’t attempt to say it’s okay, but she weren’t right when she found out. Alicia had blonde wavy hair and Bet went ballistic. Said I had it bad for you and was shagging your lookalike. She threw a hot drink over me; I had to go to hospital. I thought that was just temper until the crazy bitch stabbed me in the hand.’ He wipes a drip of sweat from his forehead with his t-shirt sleeve. ‘I got the police involved and she had to go to counselling for a while. She came through it though, said she was fine and then the next minute she’s left and come back to Sheffield and taken Tyler away from me.’

  I go and sit on the front step trying to take in what he’s saying to me. How am I supposed to know who to believe? Did she stab him? Is he twisting things to get me on his side with Tyler? Maybe that’s what was happening now. I’m at a loss for what to do and what to say. I put my head in my hands feeling like it’s about to explode. Then I think about what Monique said to me about Bettina’s constant questioning and I feel my mouth go dry.

  I lift my head back up. ‘What is it exactly you want me to do? Do you want Tyler? Is that why you’re here?’

  ‘I love my kid, course I want him back, but that isn’t why I’m here. When she walked out she told me I’d pay for what I’d done to her, and believe me I have – I am. She’s doing everything in her power to make sure my contact with Tyler is as brief as possible. If she had her way I wouldn’t see him at all. But that wasn’t all she said and I thought you needed to know, now you’re hanging round with her.’

  There’s a pause. ‘Go on then, what else did she say?’

  ‘She said she was going to destroy you, slowly, one part of your life at a time, until you knew how she felt.’

  Chapter 7

  When he’s left I get in the car and sit there for a few minutes, thoughts whirr through my head. There’s no way I’m going to go to the car boot now so I drive to my favourite coffee shop and let out a silent prayer that my favourite sofa will be free, even on a busy Saturday afternoon. By a miracle it is. I toy with ordering a hit of espresso before deciding I’m shaky enough already, so I stick with a large decaf black coffee. I sink down into the sofa’s cosy depths, close my eyes and think of everything I’ve been told over the last few days. Is it really possible that Bettina is out to get me? She doesn’t seem crazy and yet how do I know what crazy looks like? Why would she be obsessed with me over one incident that happened when we were younger? How can I not believe it when my best friend and Danny have both warned me? My breathing feels ragged and unsteady and I feel the first tingling of a panic attack, something I haven’t had for years. My heart starts racing and I begin to feel sick. I have an overwhelming urge to rush home. I remember my training and push through it, breathing steadily and remember that it’s the fast breathing that causes the dizziness, while the stomach churning is caused by adrenaline. It takes a few moments but I feel my heartbeat calm down and relax enough to take a sip of my coffee. I need to decide how to handle this information, but I just can’t take it all in. Danny seemed okay, but then I’ve only seen him for ten minutes out of the last God knows how many years. If Bettina’s telling the truth then he’s trying to destroy her, and what better way to do it than to turn her only friend against her? On the other hand Mon only has my best interests at heart, so she has no reason to lie. I make a decision to keep my distance from Bettina for a while. It’ll be difficult with the kids and the fair, but I think it’s the best course of action for now. I think of when I’ll next need to see her. If I ask Tanya to get Joe from school again on Monday, then I can turn up as late as possible on Tuesday. I can sit with Seb at the fair meeting, and she can’t really take offence at that seeing as it’s her fault we’re doing the sponge stocks together. I figure I just need a couple of days to assess the situation and get my head around things. In fact that’s an idea, I’ll have a day off from everyone; Monday I’ll have another day to myself at home. I need some time alone, to work through my foggy brain. I take my phone out of my bag and text Mon.

  Soz can’t meet u Monday, something came up.

  A few minutes later I get a text back asking if everything is okay.

  Yes, just busy, sold lots eBay. Catch up FB soon.

  When she replies to say that’s okay, I feel relieved. I reckon we’d have spent Monday talking about nothing but Bettina, and to be honest, right about now I feel like I’ve had a belly full of it. All I want at this moment is Niall and Joe. It’s the weekend and I want to be with my family, whether they go out with me or we just share the same time zone. I leave my half drunk cup of coffee on the table and head straight home.

  When I get back, it’s no surprise that Niall and Joe don’t realise I’ve returned empty handed. I was going to tell Niall about Danny’s visit but decide that I can’t be bothered going through it now. When I work out what’s going on I’ll tell him. Right now I want to forget about it. I walk through the house and out of the patio doors, removing my shoes and walking barefoot along the grass towards Joe, who is happily bouncing around on his ten foot trampoline. ‘Hi mum,’ he waves. ‘Are you coming on?’

  ‘Sure am hun,’ I smile and climb through the netting that keeps him safe.

  ‘Mum you aren’t allowed on without socks.’

  ‘I’ll be okay this once.’ I realise how hypocritical I’m being to go on barefoot when I’m forever telling Joe to make sure he has socks on but I don’t care. I want to break the rules and I don’t want to miss being with my son for one more second today. We bounce around the trampoline. I pretend to try and get off and Joe drags me back by the arms and pulls me around the floor of it, then he bounces over me, as if he might fall on me like a mini wrestler. As we look at each other, with our hair raised with static electricity, we start giggling and my heart is full to bursting with the love I have for him. I feel someone watching and look up to see Niall in the dining room. He smiles and waves, whilst taking a sip of a cup of tea. I wave back and return to Joe, diving on him in a wrestling move and listening to him giggle uncontrollably.

  ‘Did you bring me anything back mum?’

  Damn. ‘No love, there was nothing decent. It was nearly all Traders this week.’

  ‘Oh well, I’m glad you’re back.’

  ‘Me too.’

  Monday turns out to be the perfect day for lounging around. I return soaking wet from dropping Joe off at school. Typical British summertime has returned; pouring rain and six degrees outside. I shrug my coat and shoes off at the door, and to make sure I’m toasty I switch on the central heating. Wearily, I pad upstairs in my slippers, walking on the only carpet in the house, the stair carpet, and enter the bedroom. I let my clothes drop to the floor and dig out my Christmas pjs from the bag on the top of the wardrobe. They’re made of fleece and really snuggly. I realise this is all completely over the top but I don’t care. I quickly dry the ends of my hair and fringe with the hairdryer and get into bed. What the hell. I climb under the duvet, designed to feel like duck-down and check out the clock. Tanya has offered to give Joe his tea so I have until six pm all to myself. It’s not even nine. Glorious. I snuggle down inside the bed and go back to sleep. When I wake, it’s lunchtime.

  I eat chocolate for lunch with a coffee. When I’m stressed my diet is the first thing that goes out of the window. I’m usuall
y so meticulously organised with what we are eating for breakfast, lunch and evening dinner and have it balanced so we eat a good diet, but this past week I’d been slipping; chip shop, pizza. I’d felt guilt after each convenience meal but not guilty enough to cook properly for us. I’d thrown food away this weekend and felt guilty about that too. I hated waste. As I lie here, I wonder what to do next. Having rested I need an activity. I look at my wardrobes and an idea forms.

  I spend a few hours rearranging my wardrobe into ready to go outfits. I’m especially pleased with a blue gingham shirt and white jeans that I put the teacup necklace with and decide I must wear that very soon. Feeling better, I spend the next two hours making a chicken pie for tea and an apple crumble for dessert. The cooking completely relaxes me. While I bake I seem to go into another world, just one of sensations; feeling the ingredients as I rub them together, taking in the smells that permeate the room as it cooks. I’m rolling the pastry when I hear a knock at the door. Groaning at the interruption I wipe my hands down my apron, walk to the front door and look through the spy-hole. It’s Bettina and Tyler. What the hell are they doing here when it’s obvious I wasn’t around to fetch Joe? I hear Bettina through the door. ‘She doesn’t seem to be in. I hope everything’s okay. Stay there and I’ll have a look around the back.’

  God, if she goes to the back window she’ll see my half rolled pastry. I have no choice but to answer the door.

  ‘Hi sorry, I was caught short.’ I shake my hair.

  ‘Just wondered if you were okay, only I haven’t heard from you for a few days.’

  ‘I’m fine, just been having some family time and I’ve had a bit of a dodgy stomach today.’

  ‘Oh, Tanya said she was getting Joe as you had a backlog of work to get through?’

  ‘Well, yes, that was the plan before my stomach started.’

  ‘Well I came to tell you that they’ve moved the summer fair meeting to tomorrow night. Same time though.’

  ‘Oh right, thanks for letting me know. Hopefully I’ll be okay by then.’

  She looks at me as if she expects to be invited in. I feign a cramp and whimper. ‘You must excuse me, it’s happening again. I’ll catch up with you tomorrow.’ I close the door on them and rush upstairs where I peek out behind the curtain of Joe’s room and watch them walk away. Bettina looks back at the house before she strolls off. I’m not entirely sure she hasn’t seen me. I realise then that I’m still wearing the apron, smeared in flour.

  Twenty minutes after I’ve got Joe back home, Niall comes through the door. ‘Something smells nice.’

  ‘Chicken pie and apple crumble.’ I say

  ‘My favourites. Come on what do you want?’

  ‘Your body,’ I state giggling. For some reason Niall doesn’t laugh back, instead, he turns to Joe and asks him how his school day has been.

  ‘Fine,’ says Joe, his stock answer for a school day. Niall and I roll our eyes at each other and I head to the kitchen to finalise the dinner, whilst he heads upstairs to get changed.

  We have a relaxed evening, and for once Joe is really tired and fast asleep by eight. I climb onto Niall’s chair and move onto his lap to snuggle up.

  ‘That’s not very comfy, Lauren.’

  ‘I just want a snuggle.’

  ‘Your bony elbows and butt are digging into me, it hurts.’

  ‘For God’s sake, why do I bother?’ I shout and walk out of the room, back to the retreat of my bedroom.

  I power up my laptop, switch to my Facebook tab and see that Monique is online.

  ‘Hello, did you miss me today?’ I type.

  ‘Course I bloody did. You aren’t allowed to ditch me again. EVER.’

  ‘I won’t. Missed you too, although spending the morning sleeping was fun.’

  ‘You ditched me to sleep? You prefer sleeping to my delightful company? I AM INSULTED.’

  ‘Hey shouty caps, I’ve said I won’t do it again. You’ll be proud of me tho, cos I spent the afternoon making up outfits.’

  ‘Well obvs I’ll need to see if they’re acceptable first, seeing as I’m convinced ur colour blind.’

  ‘Cheeky. What’s been going on with you then?’

  ‘*sulks* Well you’d know that if you hadn’t bailed on me.’

  ‘Forgive me?’

  ‘Maybe, if you buy the coffees next Monday.’

  ‘Done.’

  ‘Did some overtime at the weekend, wasn’t much else to do. Yoga class was cancelled due to illness. Oh, and I had ‘lunch’ in the disabled toilet with Dr Love as there’s no other staff around on a weekend ;)’

  ‘Filth. Please stop, I do not wish to be tainted by association.’

  ‘What? Don’t you have ‘lunch’ with Niall?’

  ‘Not even getting a snack at the mo :(’

  ‘What’s up with him now?’

  ‘God knows, he just doesn’t seem up for it.’

  ‘Oh well, at least you have sexy Seb to look forward to on Wednesday.’

  ‘Don’t you start. Anyway it’s been changed to tomorrow O.O.’

  ‘So that’s why you’ve been working out outfits...’

  ‘No it was NOT, found out after. Confess though, little bit excited re potential flirt.’

  ‘You seen Bettina?’

  I wonder whether to mention the few minutes at the door earlier but decide against it.

  ‘No. I’ve avoided her after what you said. I’ll see her tomorrow at the fair meeting, but I’m going to sit with Seb and keep my distance.’

  ‘Any excuse.’

  ‘Well, he can be my bodyguard lol.’

  ‘How’s the business empire?’

  ‘Brilliant, I sold loads this week.’

  ‘Oh yes, you said when you were blowing me out, but ended up sleeping. Well done Branson. Did you get a lot at Saturday’s boot? It was a lovely day wasn’t it?’

  ‘A few bits, but not as much as I would have liked.’ God now I’m lying to Mon as well. ‘I’m off to read for a bit now, finish my day off with an early night.’

  ‘Ditching me again? Watch it, I’ll have my revenge.’

  ‘Scared.com.’

  I feel so much better the morning after. The sun is out again, though there’s a cool wind. I grab my gym kit and sling it in the back of the car and do an hour’s swimming and a yoga class. I have bags of energy, maybe from doing bugger all the day before. I grab a fresh juice at the gym and spend ages in the shower and the changing rooms, making sure I don’t resemble the sweaty mess that emerged from class. As silly as it sounds I seem to have even more energy after this. I head home and spend some time on eBay. I’ve received a few more orders so I get the parcels organised and ready for the post office. I can drop them off before going to school. As I’m heading out the door later I realise I’ve not checked my phone. I eventually find it right at the bottom of my bag, which may be why I’ve not heard the twenty-seven missed calls I have on it. Twenty-seven? I check, and every single one of them is from Bettina. There are also four texts. I open them up.

  ‘Where are you?’

  ‘Are you not speaking to me?’

  ‘Have I done something wrong?’

  ‘Why are you not answering?’

  I ring her straight back.

  ‘Bettina, is everything okay?’

  ‘Where the fuck have you been?’

  I hold the phone away from my ear. ‘I beg your pardon?’

  ‘Oh gosh, I’m sorry, Lo.’

  Lo? She called me Lo? That’s Monique’s name for me, not even Niall calls me that. My voice is low, measured. ‘I don’t appreciate being sworn at.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I’ve just been really worried that you were avoiding me for some reason. My mum told me Danny’s been snooping around. Has he said anything to you?’

  ‘Nope, I haven’t seen him, why would I?’

  ‘My mum said he was asking about you, she thought he might try to get in touch. I just wanted
you to know.’

  ‘Well thanks, if he turns up I’ll get Niall to sort him out.’

  ‘You wouldn’t want to do that, he’s not right, Lauren.’

  ‘Well, I haven’t seen him, and if I do I’ll tell him to get lost.’ She pauses and I wonder if she’s thinking of when I wouldn’t let her in earlier. ‘There’s nothing going on Bettina. I’ve been ill, you saw that for yourself. I told you I’d see you at school later and there’s the fair meeting after that. I do have a life away from you, you know.’

  Her voice breaks up on the phone and I feel heaviness, like dark clouds are working their way over my head. She’s choking back tears. ‘I’m sorry, I know I overreact, but he frightens me. And I know we’re not really friends, but I’ve enjoyed spending time with you. I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t poisoning that.’

  I relent then as the guilt washes over me. ‘We are friends Bettina, but I can’t be available to you all the time. Listen,’ I hesitate. ‘Are you still in touch with your doctor?’

  ‘No, I’m on a waiting list here,’ she sniffs.

  ‘Well I think you need someone to talk to about Danny,’ I say. ‘Someone impartial who can guide you on how to deal with it. That’s not me Bettina. I can’t take that on.’

  ‘I understand,’ she says her voice going quiet. ‘Thank you for saying we’re friends. It means a lot. I’ll try not to bother you so much. Probably see you later.’

  She hangs up and I feel like the worst person on earth.

  Chapter 8

  I have absolutely no enthusiasm for the summer fair meeting whatsoever, and only turn up because Joe is excited that his mum is part of the team, that and he wants to pelt me with a sponge. I’ve put my swimsuit on under my clothes so his dream can come true. I’ve brought a change of clothes and some towels to be on the safe side though. I see Bettina sitting in the corner. As I move closer I see her eyes are rimmed with red and are slightly bloodshot. She sees me looking.