Bad as in Good

by J. Lovelace

  “Louis,” I moaned as I shook in his arms holding his wrists to support myself up. When he tried to pull away, I had held him closer to me and quivered in his embrace. “Don’t stop,” I commanded.

  “I won’t,” he whispered to me as I collapsed atop my pillows. He sped up a little, squeezed my cheeks, and pushed in deeper. When he throbbed inside of me, I responded by clasping my lips around him. I could feel him about to come, but I wasn’t ready for him to stop. I pulled away and turned over on my back. Moving with the flow, he wrapped my legs around him and pulled my thighs close to him. I tried to get more out of him. I curved my back and screamed in ecstasy. He pulsated within me and groaned while his pleasure overflowed. Catching his breath, he rested on top of me. I felt guilty for greedily wanting to come again, but I hadn’t felt what we experienced in so long, and I couldn’t risk getting any less than I could handle. “Damn, Erin.”

  “Did you wanna take a shower together?”

  Having caught his breath, he smirked. “You’re tryna go again?”

  I shrugged my shoulders and smirked back. “Why not?”

  Louis stared into my eyes for a while and kissed me. The kiss was short, but his lips were sweet and pillowy. I didn’t want to move. I wanted to stay there with him on top of me, kissing me. “Okay, let’s go take a shower.”

  CHAPTER 22

  Erin

  Tariq was back at my door. He sent me a text apologizing for being so disrespectful, and he had to come explain himself. More confident in my attraction to Louis, I was stronger in my stance against him. I couldn’t deny how good he looked in a dress shirt and slacks—or how his low haircut and his face cleanly shaven didn’t weaken me. I made no effort to look good. I wore my hair in a head scarf and dressed down in a sweatshirt and athletic shorts. I considered gettin’ dolled up for Tariq in hopes that he could see what he had been missin’, but I chose not to. Louis was comin’ over soon, and I wanted Tariq’s visit to be brief. Admittedly, I realized that Tariq would want more time than I was willin’ to give him. Either way, Louis was my man and Tariq had to respect those boundaries. “Still got a man?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  He licked his lips and nodded. “Is it disrespectful if I ask if we can talk?”

  I cut my eyes at him. “Nothin’ can be more disrespectful than you cursing me out ’cause I hurt yo’ feelings.”

  “That’s my fault.”

  “I know it’s yo’ fault. It dang sho’ ain’t my fault.”

  “C’mon, Erin. I came ova to talk to you.”

  “About?”

  “Some things I need to get off my chest.”

  I folded my arms and rested my shoulder on my doorframe. “Start talkin’.”

  Tariq stared at me and shook his head. “Can I come in?”

  “Why can’t you talk out here?”

  “Erin, I’m trying to be respectful. But if you can’t respect my desire to have a normal conversation with you like two adults, let me know.”

  “I’m being disrespectful by not letting you in my apartment? The last time you were here, you threw a tantrum. I am trying to respect my relationship with my man. If you take that as disrespect, that’s on you.”

  “I’m not here to do anything. I honestly wanna have a conversation with you. I’m sorry for goin’ off on you like that. Gimme the opportunity to explain myself. You wanted us to talk about what’s been up wit’ me and my situation. I’m here to talk.”

  “I’m not sure that’s any of my concern anymore.”

  “You want me to leave?”

  “If you come in here, you need to respect me, my household, and my man.”

  “All right, Erin. You goin’ let me in?”

  I didn’t want him to leave, but I didn’t fully trust myself alone with him in my apartment. And I definitely didn’t fully trust Tariq. We fooled around on my couch to the extent that I feared the possibility of old emotions resurfacing. My feelings for Louis were strong, but whatever it was that I felt for Tariq always enticed me. I wanted answers, though. I deserved to know. I took a deep breath and moved out of his way. When he walked in, the scent of his cologne made my palms sweat. I sighed and stopped him at my kitchen table.

  “We can talk right here.” I closed the door and sat across from him. I felt safe knowing there was a solid wood table between us.

  He sat down and slowly licked his lips as his eyes slid up and down my body. I rubbed my hands nervously as I waited for him to start talking. “How you been?”

  “Fine.” I stood strong. I wasn’t lookin’ for small talk, only answers. Tariq sat there quietly, though, as if he needed me to ask about him. “And you?”

  “Been good.” He stared at my wood table and said nothing else.

  I breathed heavily and annoyed. “Talk to me, Tariq. Tell me what’s up.”

  He scratched under his chin and laid his hands flat on the table. I felt like a detective, and he was my criminal. He had committed the crime, and I was lookin’ for details. No games. The real deal. “You wanted to know about my situation.”

  “Your marriage? Yes, Tariq. I’m done chasing you down.”

  “As much as I been blowin’ you up, I been the one doin’ the chasin’.”

  “Why should I answer when you never have anything to say?”

  He took a deep breath. “All right, Erin. My wife…” He paused. “I’m in a weird situation. She’s the mother of my child. We thought gettin’ married was the right thing to do at the time, but shit ain’t work out. We went through hell before we got married. I should’ve known it was goin’ end the way it did. I love my son. I’m there for my son, but…I’m not happy. I’ve asked for an annulment, a divorce, all that. She ain’t havin’ it. She swears we can work it out.”

  “You expect me to be okay with you havin’ a wife? Especially one who is committed to workin’ things out wit’ you.”

  “There ain’t shit to work out, not wit’ us at least. Don’t get me wrong. I ain’t coming here tryna confess my love to you o’ nothin’, but I’d be lying if I ain’t say you don’t cross my mind—more often than most women do.” He picked at his fingers and breathed deeply. “I’m feelin’ you. It fucked wit’ me when you tol’ me you had a man. Shit came out of nowhere; I snapped. I ain’t mean to disrespect you. I liked what we’d been doing, and I wanted to keep doing it.”

  “I don’t. I don’t like sneakin’ around and climbing down fire escapes. I like being in a real relationship with a man who cares about me.”

  “I care about you.”

  “You care about yourself. The only reason why you’re finally discussin’ your wife wit’ me is because you’re jealous of Louis, not because you care about me.”

  “That’s his name? Louis.” He chuckled. “I ain’t jealous of no nigga named Louis. I don’t like—”

  “You don’t like it when other men play wit’ your toys. Let’s be honest. That’s all I was to you, a toy. You played with me when you were bored and discarded me when you wanted something else to play wit’. When you saw someone else playin’ wit’ me, you realized that you had some more playin’ to do. Well, I’m done playin’. I want something real, Tariq. Not these games.”

  Tariq sat quietly for a while. Finally, he sighed loudly and sat back in his chair. “I ain’t mean to make you feel that way. I mean, I like you. But, I’m in a fucked-up predicament.” He stood up and shrugged his shoulders. “Really, I wanted to apologize for disrespecting you. You got a man to give you what you need, and that’s what’s up. I can’t give that to you.”

  “You keep calling your marriage a situation or a predicament. It’s not a situation, at least not to me it isn’t. I was stupid for lettin’ myself get pulled into it, but I can’t let it go further. It’s not right. I can’t be the type of woman I am and continue dealing with a man like you. ’Cause you’re right, you can’t give me what I need. Damn sho’ not in your predicament.”

  “Call it what you will, but at the end of the day, it’s a prob
lem. I like being with you, but this is something I’ve been dealing with before you and probably will after you. She’s a problem I can’t get rid of, a poison I can’t eliminate. I know it’s not easy for you, but it is what it is.”

  “What do you even like about me, Tariq? Most of the time when we’re together, we’re not talkin’. Do you only like havin’ sex with me?”

  “I can respect you. There’s not a lot of women I can respect. I mean, you actually care that I have a wife. Most women are down for the cause. And yeah, the sex with you is good too…real good.”

  I hid my blush with an eye roll. “What type of women do you go after that would be okay being with a married man?”

  He laughed hard. “Not women like you, I guess.”

  I nodded and stood up. “Well, thanks. I appreciate you apologizing and bein’ honest.” I expected an asshole with slick lines and a high libido. Instead, I got a Tariq who was apologetic and awkward.

  “I guess I’ll leave then. Ain’t nothin’ left for me to say.”

  When we walked to the door, I couldn’t allow myself to move away from him. He moved closer to me and breathed in my breaths. He reached behind me to open the door and my brain kept tellin’ me to move out of his way, but he stared at my lips as if he were using mind control to pull me in. Like a lamb called to slaughter, I moved in closer to him as my body warmed. My skin felt flushed, and somehow I found my hand on his belt buckle.

  Tariq sucked in his bottom lip as he stared down at mine. “I can’t be the only one that feels what I feel every time I’m around you.” His voice was low, and I could feel its depth in the pit of my chest.

  I kept tellin’ myself to move away before we did something I’d regret later, but my mind went blank, and all I could see were his lips moving closer and closer to mine. We both jumped when there was a knock at my door. I wanted to ignore it. We were both turn on, and I couldn’t let something as stupid as a knock at my door stop us from fulfilling what my body ached for. Like a flood, memories of the plans I made with Louis came rushing back. I moved back and tried not to shiver when his palm grazed the small of my back.

  “I have to answer that.”

  He stepped back. I reluctantly pulled away and opened my door. When Louis’s smile greeted me, I pulled him with a kiss that I almost gave to a man who wasn’t worthy of it.

  When we pulled apart, his smiled widened. “Hey, baby.”

  After he walked in, he looked Tariq up and down and waved hello. “Who are you?”

  “I’m a friend. I was about to leave, though.” As Tariq walked toward the doorway, I tried to avoid eye contact with Louis to hide my guilt.

  Louis asked me, “This friend got a name?”

  “I’m Riq. I came by to catch up wit’ Erin, but I’m all caught up.” Tariq looked Louis over and disappeared down the hallway.

  Once I shut the door, Louis met me with confusion and curiosity. “What was he doing here?”

  “He stopped by. We haven’t talked in a while.”

  “You never mentioned a Riq before. Where do you know him from?” I wondered if he felt the heat that resonated in my apartment. I had to slip out of my sweatshirt to keep from gettin’ faint.

  “He, Loraine, and I were once mutual friends. Nothing serious. He’s married, has a family. He was trying to catch up.”

  The mention of Tariq’s wife and kid seemed to calm Louis’s suspicions. It didn’t do much for the lump in my throat. There was definitely a side of me that wanted that kiss to happen, but there was that other side that was grateful for Louis’s timing. Either way, I spent most of my night with Louis in bed staring up at the ceiling, contemplating Tariq’s hands touching me. The more I stared, the angrier I became as I reluctantly accepted Louis’s warm embrace. I hated the effect Tariq had on me, even when I acted my role at showing how much it didn’t. He was a married man, and dating him would violate the morals I spent all my young-hearted mistakes developing. Maybe the lack of discussions regarding his personal life made it easier to believe that there was a chance. When he walked into my apartment looking good enough to eat, lick, and suck, and told me the history of his marriage, he brought forth a reality that I secretly tried to avoid. Yeah, I told him I wanted to know, but no woman wants to know about the woman the man she thinks she loves is married to. Who would want to know about the family her kinda man has obligations to? It almost felt as if he were throwing his family in my face. Even though I asked him to and gave him the ultimatum And when he finally did, internally, I hated him for it.

  When I exhaled, Louis squeezed my forearm as if to ask what was wrong. I lay silently for a while hoping he’d let it go. I kept my eyes closed and imagined sunlight. The sooner the sun rose, the easier it would be for me to get up and escape the conflicting emotions I imprisoned myself in. If this were a contest, Louis would win easily. But with one awkward moment, I was questioning the authenticity of a relationship that had been nothing but good to me.

  “You okay?” I remained quiet and tried not to let the flurry of emotions running through my mind show on my face. I attempted to hush my thoughts; they were so loud it was surprising he hadn’t said anything earlier. It was quiet for a while, and I felt him press his soft lips atop mine. I opened my eyes and smiled. “I knew you weren’t ’sleep.”

  I licked my lips and turned over to face him. “I was sleep.”

  “Then why were you breathing so hard?”

  I paused and sucked on my lips. “I didn’t even know I was.”

  Louis leaned in for another kiss. My first reaction was to turn my head; instead, I let it happen. I allowed his lips to find solace in mine, and I unsuccessfully shooed away ideas of Louis’s lips being Tariq’s instead. Secretly, I relived that brief moment between Tariq and me, and instead of Louis interrupting, our lips touched. With my back pressed up against the wall, Tariq slid his tongue between my lips and sucked on my tongue. In my mind, I wrapped my arms around Tariq’s neck. I moaned while Tariq’s palms gripped the cusp of my ass and released the juices that flowed between my inner thighs. Dizzy from my fantasies, I spread my legs and let Louis come in closer—I wanted to feel Louis’s body pressed up against mine while I imagined that Tariq was mine alone. I sucked on the tip of Louis’s tongue while my lips caressed his, and I arched my back silently begging him to enter. When Louis pinned my wrists back and slid out of his boxers, I envisioned Tariq’s smile peering back at me. I smiled back and beckoned him to come hither, continue his mission, and to make me climax like only he could.

  “Shit, I missed you,” I whispered.

  “I did too,” Louis responded. In my imagination, I was still in that moment with Tariq with my back up against my wall and my legs straddled around Tariq’s waist. When Louis pushed my panties to the side and then very slowly slid inside me, I dropped my head back and pictured Tariq kissing down my neck.

  “I needed this,” I moaned as I cupped the back of his head, forcing him to dig into my skin as if he were searching for nourishment. “Don’t stop.”

  My body rocked back and forth, as he held my thighs apart and pulled them closer to him. As wet as I was, I slid off him with glorious ease. Back and forth as I held on to my sheets. I was on a rollercoaster. I kept my eyes closed, threw my hands up, and tried to picture the location where I’d rather be—naked atop Tariq’s sheets while he gave me more reasons to soil his mattress. “You never been this wet before…damn.” When he pulled out, I opened my eyes, delirious and infuriated at the same time. Yanking off my panties, Louis went back in and gave me another reason to moan. “I guess you really did need this.”

  When my body trembled, I inched away from him, incapable of taking it all at once. He held on to my waist and pulled me closer to him. “Don’t run from me.” When he pulled out again, I sat up on my elbows and watched him gradually make his way down to my pelvic bone. He kissed trails down my chest and stomach as if he were leaving breadcrumbs. With his face planted deep between my thighs, he worked his tongue around my
lips like a serpent, gently kissing and sucking my labia as I clutched his dreads. My moans evolved as they went from silent coos to exasperated shrieks. When he sucked on my clitoris and twirled his tongue around, my eyes literally rolled to the back of my head. Three minutes later, like little tremors tickling every inch of me, I felt a rush of heat rip through my body as I dug my top row of teeth into the skin beneath my bottom lip and screamed in satisfaction. Still weak and vulnerable, he spread my legs wide and pushed in deeper than before. While I could barely move, and my voice was hoarse, I dug my nails into his back and groaned. It was a bittersweet emotion that I couldn’t articulate, but I whispered his name, “Louis,” being sure not to slip and say Tariq like my subconscious tried to so many times before.

  When he came, he grinned widely as we both collapsed and caught our breaths. “I wish you missed me like that more often.”

  I faked a smirk as I continued my thoughts of a man that didn’t belong to me. I’d never cheated before, and didn’t plan to cheat, but the emotional fantasy I shared with my man made me feel guilty. I wanted to call someone and discuss the misdeed that transpired. Loraine should understand, especially after she had been sexing a man who emotionally abused her for so long. Then again, her man was single. I was sexing a man who pledged his relationship before God. I was breaking up a family; Loraine was revisiting an old one. It was best to keep it to myself. I held Louis’s hand in mine and led him to the bathroom to cleanse ourselves of each other. I kept a fake smile to continue the charade. When he wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder, I cringed—internally. Louis was good to me, and I hoped that our shower would refresh my memory and clear my head of the nonsense I imagined.

  CHAPTER 23

  Tariq

  Two years ago…

  I grew soft. When I caught Deja wit’ another dude, I was strong. I was able to kick her out and change the locks without a glance back. She’d fill up my missed call log, and I’d clear my history with no remorse. With Simoné, I felt pity. I accepted her apologies and looked past her discretions. In the back of my mind, I realized there was more she hadn’t told me, but somehow, I was drawn to her like moths to a flame. She burned me, and I couldn’t help but get burned again. Things did get better, though. I stopped questioning her whereabouts and her shady behavior dissipated. My confidence in our relationship was unrelenting, and lucky for her, it blinded me.