Cards of Love: Knight of Wands

by Claudia Burgoa

  “You remember Oliver Tanner? He came back into town last week,” I try to change the subject, once I’m all cried out. “He, uh, he helped me out me out this weekend when we were understaffed ... again. It was nice, you know? To have someone around who knows the kitchen, and the restaurant ... and me.

  “For the first time in years, I wasn’t alone.”

  I lick my lips again. One of my hands finds its way to the grass. My fingers clench so tightly into the blades that some of them rip right out of the ground. It’s calming ... in a sick sort of sadistic way.

  “I know your death was rough on Kelsey too. But fuck, she made a mess of the restaurant. And once she didn’t want to play anymore, she left for New York,” I continue. “I lost my sister, my parents ... my fucking life. I just ... I know you didn’t mean to die, but did you really have to go like that? At the same time?

  “It’s so hard to act as if this is the life I wanted for myself. I can’t begin to describe how much I hate it here ... hate myself for hating Knox Ridge,” I can hear the panic in my own voice. “Screw things going back to normal, or the way they were before. I want a life, period. This is ... it’s like I’ve been gasping for air since you died. Every time it gets a little easier, someone shows up and crushes my lungs.”

  They feel like they’re being crushed right now. I take a deep breath, and then two, and try to remember what being alive is supposed to feel like. Because, during moments like these, I feel as cold as Mom and Dad’s lifeless bodies.

  “And then Ollie shows up and he’s … different,” I mutter. “He’s changed so much. He’s not the same guy who used to be my best friend, or the guy who held my hand when things were hard or sad. Remember when Memaw Silvia died? He never left my side for days. You even let him stay the night with me.”

  I sigh because I wished he’d been there when Mom and Dad left. I know in my heart that everything would’ve been a little less painful.

  Hugging my arms, I continue, “I missed feeling like I could count on someone other than myself. I forgot what it’s like to just do my job, and not everyone else’s. Ollie made that happen for a couple of days.

  “He even fixed Gerty,” I chuckle. “I can’t believe that she’s still alive.

  “That didn’t last much. Of course, I had to fuck it up,” I huff. “Because I’m Kaitlynn, right?”

  I draw a deep breath. “I’m stubborn, and I don’t listen, right?”

  My eyes are still wet. The feeling only gets worse as I remember our worst fights. They were always about the restaurant. They were always about my fucking future and upholding the family dynasty.

  “I pushed him away, and he didn’t show up yesterday. Which should be fine but ... it really isn’t. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up with being this person,” I tell them, hoping that somewhere, they’re listening. “I want someone like Ollie to just take me away from here—or make it all better.”

  Dawn is the best time of the day because there’s no chance of anyone else stumbling upon us. No one who will swoop in and pretend to understand my life while secretly passing judgment. It’s just me, my parents, and the cicadas—crying for what we’ve lost and what we’ll never find.

  “Does wanting to leave make me a bad person?”

  7

  Kaitlynn

  “A little birdie told me you had some extra help this weekend,” Paige says, flashing me her all-knowing grin.

  I totally want to kill her. She dragged me here, and now she wants to talk about something I don’t even want to think about. Thanks, but no thanks. I feel like I’m going to pass out and it’s all her fault. The air in this stupid yoga studio is so hot, it’s worse than trying to exercise outside in the balmy Georgia sun. Maybe if I tried that I could die of a heat stroke and avoid this awkward conversation.

  “Little birdie? No idea what you’re talking about,” I lie, praying that the ground will swallow me. “You sure it wasn’t bad intel from one of your employees who you sent to spy on me?”

  “Spy is such a strong word,” she says as she sets up her mat. “I prefer ‘looking out for.’”

  I glare humorlessly. “Any chance you could just send one over next time to actually help?”

  “I love you, honey, but paying an employee to work for the competition? That’s a terrible business strategy.”

  “Pity, I could use the extra help since Ollie flaked on me yesterday.” I snap my mouth closed, realizing the mess I’ve gotten myself into by letting that little tidbit slip. Now Paige’s going to grill me endlessly.

  “So … it is true,” she says excitedly. “You did have some dreamboat picking up the slack.”

  “Who said anything about a dreamboat?”

  Paige shrugs. “I may be embellishing a bit. But do you blame me? Oliver Tanner in an apron?” She moans with a playful grin, “Butter me up, and call me a waffle. I’d let him eat me any day.”

  I wasn’t buttered up. More liked greasy and sweaty, and he didn’t care … and I almost let him eat me …

  “Not funny.” I glare at her.

  “Good, I’m being serious,” she says. “When are you gonna tap that?”

  “Are you serious?” I growl. “I can’t. It’s Ollie.”

  But since Saturday night, I keep circling back to what almost happened. I can’t get him, or the memory of that kiss, out of my head. The taste remains in my mouth. His presence felt comfortable, but his arms, they felt like home. I don’t know what it is about him. Ollie and I have always shared a connection. We know each other so well. No matter how far away he is, I still feel it. But this time I won’t let my heart lead me. I won’t let my guard down. This time we are old friends who happen to live in the same place—until he leaves again.

  “Because ... you hate the idea of having a little fun on the side? Or because you find it hard to believe that a hot, accomplished guy like Oliver Tanner totally has the hots for you?” She asks.

  I blush. “Because he’s Oliver. He wouldn’t take me seriously, even if he wanted something casual.”

  “Oh shit. Something happened, didn’t it?” Her eyes study me. They are hungry for information.

  “Nope,” I say weakly. I focus on the door, hoping the instructor will show up any second now to save me from further embarrassment.

  “Something totally happened! Look at you, beet red and class hasn’t started yet. Ok spill, honey,”

  I sigh and stop fighting her. Within minutes I tell her everything about the weekend and our sexual tension. But before I can mention the kiss, the yoga instructor, Javier, walks in. Swallow me, ground. Javier is ... nice to look at, if I’m being honest. He’s like a six foot wall of muscle that’s been glazed by the sun brimming with natural charisma and a thick Spanish accent.

  “Or, if you want to chicken out of giving me the full scoop, I dare you to fuck that one instead,” Paige dares me.

  I wrinkle my nose. “Maybe you’re the one who needs to get laid.”

  Paige shrugs. “You might be right. But I’m just looking out for your best interests, honey.”

  “Thanks,” I say earnestly. “Just stop trying to set me up with anything that breathes.”

  “Good morning, class,” Javier says with a charming grin. “And hello to you, Katy. Always nice to see you here.”

  I wave awkwardly.

  “See?” Paige whispers. “You wouldn’t even have to try to hit that.”

  “Shut up,” I hiss back. It’s bad enough that half the class is staring at me like I’m some freak for getting his attention.

  Thankfully, Javier begins the class without any more fuss. Or so I hope, because it seems like the class is just for me. I don’t appreciate him praising my clumsiness as many times as he does today. By the time the class is over, I’m ready to sprint out of the room. The sooner I change outfits, the sooner I can get out of here. I’ll have to check to see who the instructor is first the next time Paige tries to drag me here.

  Hopeful that I escape his attention, I sn
eak out of the locker room. Only to find him standing right outside waiting expectantly. I’m sure every adult in this town has fantasized about having a night with him. I can’t lie and pretend that I’ve never thought about it. Javier is interesting and eccentric to say the least. And hot. He has that Rodrigo Santoro vibe going for him.

  But after spending enough time around him, I realized that most people in this town can’t see past their lust—because Javier is as energetic as he is boring. His beautiful physique is mostly the product of years of boredom. He’s a nice guy, but at some point, he has nothing new or stimulating to say.

  “Katy, I’m glad I caught you,” he says. “I’ve decided that I’m leaving Knox Ridge.”

  Well, that’s new. Or maybe not, he’s filthy rich as far as anyone can tell. From what I’ve gathered, he only stays in one place for so long, normally a year or two at max. Even when he swore Knox Ridge was where he wanted to settle down, it’s always been obvious that we were a little too quiet for him.

  “That’s sad to hear. Where are you headed?” I try to sound as casual, and unexcited, as possible.

  “LA,” he says proudly. “A friend of mine is starting a lifestyle streaming channel. He asked me to be their yoga and fitness instructor.”

  “Wow, that’s perfect for you,” I say. “You’ll be missed around here.”

  Maybe that will keep him occupied and his wandering eyes at bay for a while. I just feel bad for any assistants he might creep out while he’s there. He’s harmless, but his well-meaning flattery can get out of hand quickly.

  “Actually,” he says. “The channel I’ll be working for, they need a chef. And since I’m a lucrative investor for them, I’d like to offer you the position.”

  “Really?” I say skeptically.

  He pulls his phone out of his pocket. “It’s very official. If you give me your email address, I’ll send the offer to you now. I’ll even cover the cost of relocation.”

  I hesitate for a second, but I do give him my address. It sounds too good to be true, but it’s LA and getting back on the screen. I’d be stupid not to give him a chance. My phone buzzes a few seconds later.

  Before I can pull it out, Javier puts his hand on my arm gently.

  “I have another class to teach, but give me a call, Katy. I’d love to have a familiar face around during this business venture,” he says before walking away.

  When I open the email, it isn’t too good to be true. It’s everything I’ve been waiting for tightly packed into one page, twelve-point font. A six-figure salary, medical benefits, a relocation package and a one-year contract with a signing bonus. This could be my saving grace. I could close up Blythe’s, sell the building later, and start a brand-new life.

  Maybe things are starting to look up.

  8

  Oliver

  Ollie,

  I skipped Thanksgiving this year. Mom isn’t happy. But I bet she didn’t give the same lecture to Kelsey, who also stayed in New York and won’t go home for Christmas. I personally don’t want to be in Knox Ridge. There’s something missing, and I feel shitty about it. My parents are there. I want to spend the holidays with them. But home hasn’t been the same since I graduated from high school.

  I wish you could come with me to see them. It’s been over three years since the last time I saw you. Although your letters make me feel close to you. I think out of all of Knox Ridge, you’re the person I miss the most. Ugh. That’s sounds terrible. I should probably say my parents. They’re my biggest supporters. I love them so much. But they’re not you. Even if it’s just through letters, you’re my one stable force. My one constant when the life gets too hard or things don’t make sense.

  Is it crazy to think that maybe I’m falling for you?

  I know we’re friends and I shouldn’t. There’s this pull between us, this feeling. I can’t describe it, but we’ve been this way since we were kids. Now I feel like it’s turned into something more. It’s strange. Frightening, even.

  How can I feel so strongly for someone who isn’t even here? But your letters, the way you entrust everything to me, makes me feel like we could be so much more.

  Sorry if this sounds delusional. Maybe I’m just too nostalgic, and whatever this feeling is, will pass. Or maybe one day, this force will take us back to Knox Ridge.

  Then maybe this overwhelming feeling will become the biggest love in the universe.

  Love,

  K

  P.S. If I sound crazy, let’s never speak of this again.

  ↔

  Where the fuck has this letter been for the last eight years? I fold it, putting it with the rest of Kaitlynn’s letters. After two weeks, I’m finally organizing the stuff my mom left behind for me. I expected old t-shirts and things I’ll never use again. But never a few unopened letters from Kaitlynn.

  Letters with words I wish I’d been able to tell her years ago.

  She was the one person I woke up thinking of, and the last before I went to sleep. The one I thought of as bullets were flying at close range. Those moments when I thought my life could be over, I wished for one last call, a hug, a kiss. As the years passed, I just couldn’t let myself wish for more, or lead her into a life where she could become a widow.

  Yet, as contradictory as it sounds, I wish I’d had that letter in my hands all those years ago.

  Let’s never speak of this again, she’d said. She obviously thinks I never had feelings for her. I did ... I do. I don’t fucking know for sure. Maybe that force that she mentioned is what brought me here.

  The sound of my phone ringing somewhere in the kitchen stops my train of thought. Mom’s name flashes on the screen.

  “Hey, Mom,” I greet her as I pick up the phone.

  “Huey,” my mom says cheerfully. I bite the growl though, I hate when she uses my middle name. “How are you, pudding?”

  “Fine. How are you, Mom?”

  “Well if everything’s fine, why haven’t you taken a minute to call me in the last five days?”

  I frown. “I texted you.”

  She hums. “I didn’t know texts were how polite people stay in touch with their mothers. Next thing you’re gonna tell me that a Facebook status is a big, old hug.”

  I roll my eyes. I have to apologize before this guilt trip gets out of hand.

  “Sorry, Mama,” I lay the accent on really thick, just for her. “I won’t let it happen again.”

  “Glad you found your manners, dear,” she says. “So, how’s selling the house coming along?”

  Selling the house? The last time we talked about the house I clearly told her that I was going to take my time thinking about my next move.

  “I ... I’m still not sure what I’m going to do, Mom,” I admit.

  “What does that mean? Toby’s expecting you to arrive any day now. A buddy of his owns a men’s store where you can buy several suits for work. I already fixed your room up—”

  I tune her out as she continues to talk about her husband’s plans for me. The man is alright, and I appreciate that he’s taking care of Mom. But I don’t see myself selling cars … or moving. I can’t leave Knox Ridge now. Not after reading that letter. The significance of it is huge.

  A lot of time has passed. I’m aware that after she sent the letter, she met Steve. But if I would have seen it before, our relationship would be different.

  There is something pulling me toward Kaitlynn, and it’s not just about wanting to fix the restaurant or her life. It’s deeper than that. It’s been dormant, but I’m about to wake it up and find out what’s really going on between us.

  “—Do you want me to call the realtor for you?” Mom says, pulling me out of my thoughts.

  “No. Like I said, I don’t know what I’m going to do yet,” I say.

  “What’s there to think about?” she asks. “What is in Knox Ridge that you can’t find here?”

  “I’m not sure yet,” I admit. “But I’ll let you know if I find it.”

  That reminds me
of the letters I found. “Hey, I found a few unopened letters. Do you know why I didn’t receive them?”

  “From Katy,” she claims. “They handed them to me while you were in the hospital, hurt. I forgot about them. Have you seen her?”

  She forgot? That letter was … is so important, and she forgot. I exhale harshly. There’s no point discussing them with her. I need to talk to Kaitlynn.

  “Mom, I have to go.”

  “Suit yourself,” she says reluctantly. “We’re ready for you whenever you decide to come home.”

  After promising to call her tomorrow, we say our goodbyes. As I head out to Blythe’s, I take a long look at my childhood home. It’s worse for the wear, but it has some great memories nestled into its cracks. Maybe with some time and care, I could make it even better than it once was. We could make it a real home.

  9

  Kaitlynn

  So much for my day off. So much more for all those, “Of course I’ll be here to help on Monday.” Every Sunday, I have a bunch of volunteers who “promise” to show up for Monday night dinner, and every week next to no one actually comes. The dining room is full, and I’m happy about that. All these people deserve a hot meal and a break. But there’s only so much I can get done by myself with just two servers.

  There’s a line going out the door. I’m thankful that I was able to prepare everything before I opened tonight. But I hate to see so many people waiting just because we don’t have enough hands to help.

  Kelsey’s MIA ... again. At least she had the decency to text me that she’s still alive. I’m hoping she leaves soon. I can’t handle the constant uncertainty anymore. If I had the money, I would lend it to her, so she’d leave me alone. Actually, I would use that money to get out of here.