The Way We Roll

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  “I didn’t know how long you’d be with all that sororitystuff. Plus, I sent you a text.”

  We headed straight to my bed, and his kisses warmed my soul. I’d actually forgotten I was so upset. Girl drama was stressing me out. Kade was helping me unwind.

  Breaking away from his embrace, I said, “You just don’t know how much I needed this.”

  “I gotta confess. I need to be with you, too,” he said.

  I could feel the desire of how bad he wanted me comingfrom his every word. I sat up in the bed and held him. He hung his head low, and I knew he hadn’t come all this way for sex. He needed a pep talk.

  I stroked his head and asked, “What’s going on with you?”

  “I’m nervous about this game. I haven’t been a hundredpercent since I got hurt, and more scouts are coming to check me out. There’s talk that I’m losing my step. I don’t know. I mean, maybe I am.”

  It almost felt like I was holding my own baby. But I appreciatedhim needing me in a way I’d never seen before. He was so vulnerable, as though whatever I said could make or break his hopes and belief in himself. Knowing our bond was deepening, I said only what a girl wanting to uplift her man could say.

  “Honey, you’re the bomb. You gon’ shine in whatever you do. So let the scouts come. They’ll be in for a show.”

  He took both his hands and cupped my face, pulling my lips toward his. Everything at that point felt so good.

  “I want you, but I just want to snuggle tonight,” he said.

  I knew that having Kade sleep over wasn’t God’s plan for my life. I mean, I wasn’t married. Kade didn’t see that coming anytime in the near future. But I knew the way my heart felt for him. So how could I refuse a cuddle?

  I was on my way to my second gem ceremony that was to focus on sisterhood. The whole idea of it felt contrived. I actually felt a little sad, though I knew I had made the right decision not to participate in any of the hazing crazinessthat wasn’t supposed to be happening in the first place. I was a loner. And though that was the way it had been most of my teen years, I was pledging a sorority, for goodness sake. Even though I didn’t want to admit it to myself, part of me wanted to belong.

  I liked the first gem ceremony we had had a few days before. The focus had been on leadership, and it moved me to want to be the best leader I could be and always work with what I had. I’d had no idea how this first gem ceremony would affect my soul.

  The only time I had talked to or seen Loni and Torian the last two weeks had been when we were doing the things with the adviser. A part of me resented that they had pulled back, but like all my other friendships, they eventually ended. I didn’t know why I had thought this time would be any different.

  As we lined up to go to the ceremony, I smiled at Loni and Torian, and they looked away. If it was like that, I understood. I’d never make a gesture again.

  Tammie came from the front of the line and sashayed her way over to one of the big sisters. After she whisperedsomething to her, Tammie came over to me.

  She whispered, “Your girls just wanted me to tell you they love you and they care about you, but they gotta keep it like this so the big sisters won’t get on them. You’re able to talk to me. I’ve been kissing big sisters’ butts for three and a half years. I’m a senior. I know all their dirt, and I helped them all make it through the line. They owe me. I do what I want to do. You were looking a little sad, so I just wanted to tell you—”

  “I’m not looking sad. I’m fine,” I said, completely denouncingwhat I knew I was feeling.

  The only instructions we’d had before coming here was to fast all day—the cleansing of the soul to get us ready to begin the richness of the gem. There weren’t many alumnaesorors here. Only the main adviser and the Alpha chapter Betas.

  The vibe in the room for me not sisterly. I got mean stares from the Betas. And one girl made a fist. Though I had several issues with Hayden, after everything she had gone through with her own line, I would have thought she would have been a by-the-books sort of girl. Now she was condoning an underground line. It was just hard to swallow. But she did have a presence about herself when she read for the ritual.

  Putting aside the personal issues, listening to her words, I was mesmerized when Hayden said, “Sisterhood is a bond with your soror that is as deep as a natural birth connection. The common thread that keeps you together is that you share a love for Beta Gamma Pi. Though you may have your differences, or you may not see eye to eye and agree with a soror’s action, you love her at all times because that genuine connection never fails. Sisterhood is an evolving process of growth.”

  The adviser stood and continued reading. “When you’re going through hard times, and you don’t know who to turn to, call your sister. When the pain just hurts, and it seems you can’t bounce back, the one to call first is your sister. When you think no one will understand, go and get your sister’s hand and tell your sister. Not only when you want to cry. Go get your sister so she can help you becomenew and fill you with love that will get you back afloat. Your sister is your greatest treasure.”

  Big sister Dena, who was under five-two, took a loaf of wheat bread and held it upward. She asked Tammie to take a piece. Then everyone in line after that took a piece of the loaf.

  Hayden said, “As you all get nourished from the same grain, now your line is one.”

  As moving as all that was, an hour later I was home by myself. I knew they were having more underground stuff going on.

  “Hey,” I said to Sirena after I’d gotten her four text messages about asking me to come over to get some of her stew. She’d always make me a pot of this or bring me a plate of that. I knew the girl could throw down, and I guess I just needed the company. But it felt a little weird as she stared me down. Finally I had to ask, “What? What are you looking at?”

  Swatting her hand at me, she said, “No, no, you’re just so cute. I just wish I had style like that. That’s all.”

  “Oh, girl, please. I wish I could cook like you,” I said as I stuffed myself with her stew.

  Then I heard banging outside. It seemed like it was comingfrom my place. Sirena rushed over to her front door and yelled, “She’s not home!”

  “Who is that?” I said, perplexed.

  Without looking, Sirena said, “Ugh, it’s late. Don’t nobodyneed to be over at your house at this time.”

  Going over to the door myself, I said, “Girl, you can’t make that call. I think someone is at my house.”

  “But we were eating.”

  “I’m sorry. I’ll come back if I can. Dang.” I opened up the door to leave.

  “Oh, I—I—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be pushy,” Sirena said.

  It was almost eerie how clingy she was becoming. But when I turned toward my front door, I was stunned. There stood Loni holding Torian, who was bleeding from her nose.

  Knowing the answer already, I asked, “Who did this?” “I left. I can’t take anymore. They hit her. Bad,” Loni said as I opened my door and went inside.

  Why they had come to me for help, I didn’t know. But something I wasn’t familiar with kicked in, and I was genuinelyconcerned for my friend. I couldn’t turn them away. Somehow we were going to figure this out. The Betas had lost their minds.

  After we got Torian straight, I grabbed the keys out of Loni’s hand. “Let’s go.”

  “No, you can’t say anything to them,” Torian said, holding her head in the air.

  I didn’t turn around. This had gone too far. Just a little push here, just a little shove there. A few harsh words. Whatever. We’d just stopped blood from profusely streamingfrom her nose. We all got in Loni’s ride, and I took off, thinking I’d find the Betas even if Loni didn’t give me directions.

  “The whole two weeks have just been way too much,” Loni confessed. “I wanted to walk away so many times, but I stayed because Torian felt like we should.”

  I asked, “Who actually hit you? Was it Sharon?” “Girl, we haven’t ev
en seen Sharon. Somebody said she’s sick,” Loni said in a salty tone.

  “It was a couple girls from the University of SoutheasternArkansas and some beast named Keisha.”

  “So y’all were with their line?”

  Loni said, “Yeah, we’re supposed to be with their line next week, too. Turn right there.”

  “Don’t tell her where to go,” Torian said to Loni.

  “No, this is crazy. They need to be stopped for real.” We arrived and I got out of the car and went inside, Torianand Loni right behind me.

  The room was scorching hot, and it wasn’t summertime. It was funky in there as well. All the Betas were hovering over the pledges like they were about to beat them down.

  I saw Dena and another girl named Audria. Forget big sisters and all that protocol junk, because they didn’t have my respect and I wasn’t going to pretend like it was there. I boldy said, “Where’s Hayden?”

  “She’s not here,” Dena said, rolling her eyes. I wanted to smash her for allowing my girl to get beat.

  Taking a deep breath, I asked, “Does she know what y’all just did?”

  Then this bigger, very mean-looking, unkept soror came over. “Oh, that’s that paper girl y’all were talking about?”

  Dena whispered to her, “Keisha, be cool.”

  “Yeah, I’m the one whose mom is the National President,so let me just say y’all keep hittin’ people, and I’m gonna rat on this line. Nobody will cross.”

  Nobody was moving, and they looked like they thought I was bluffing. I pulled out my cell phone and started dialingmy mom.

  “Okay, y’all get away. Get out of here. She could call the adviser on us.”

  When the line dispersed, Tammie came over to me and said, “She wasn’t supposed to get hit. Torian just said a few things out of line.”

  Torian said, “I told them not to hit anybody else. Look at the girl who stands two people in front of you. She has a black eye.”

  Sally was her name. When the big sisters piled out, Sally came over to me. Actually, all the hazed sisters huddled around me. I just knew they were going to go off on me for threatening to expose them. But I appreciated their surprising response when Sally cupped Torian’s face and said, “Thanks for caring more about yourself. They are taking this thing too far.”

  “Why don’t you just walk away?” I asked her.

  “I guess I’m not strong enough. I wish I had some of your spirit.”

  “Well, go. Everybody, go home. Don’t fool with them anymore tonight. We’ll figure this whole thing out.”

  As though the night couldn’t get any crazier, I was finallyhome resting when Kade called. “I’m at your front door. Let me in, please. I don’t want that crazy neighbor of yours calling the cops.”

  “She’s not that bad. You okay?”

  “I need to talk to you. Please. I gotta get back to school.”

  “All right, all right. I’ll be right there.” When I let him in, his eyes looked swollen. “You been crying or something? It’s not your leg. Did you get hurt again at practice?” I was getting all beside myself with worry because he wouldn’t open up and talk to me. He had driven all the way to chat, but he wasn’t saying anything. What was going on? “You wanna break up or something?”

  “Why would you say that?”

  “You’re all distant and everything, I mean, what else am I supposed to suspect?”

  “It’s Sharon, okay?”

  “You wanna get back with Sharon?”

  “No. Just listen for a second. Please, Malloy.”

  “Well, talk to me, Kade. You come over here, and you’re all worked up, and you think I’m not gonna be upset, when I clearly see you’re distraught. What is going on with Sharon?”

  “You must not have seen her lately.”

  “No, I told you I don’t participate in all that undergroundstuff. Plus, word is she’s sick. She hasn’t been around in a while.”

  Putting his head against the wall, he mumbled, “She’s sick, all right. She’s ruining my life, that’s what she’s doing.”

  I touched his back. “How can she threaten you? What’s going on?”

  Kade turned to me with the saddest eyes I’d ever seen. “Malloy, I’m sorry, but Sharon’s five months pregnant.”

  10

  BREAK

  “Get out!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, “Get out now, Kade! Go!”

  My pillow was on my bed, and all I could easily grab, pick up, and throw at him was that limp object. I wished I had something heavier. I couldn’t believe what he had just told me. Sharon pregnant? This was horrible. Were they even still involved? Had I still been sitting in the fool’s chair all these months? I hadn’t given him any in months, and he hadn’t been pressing me. Was she satisfying him?

  Coming toward me to try to convince me otherwise, he said, “No, no, you don’t understand.”

  “What do you mean, I don’t understand?” I huffed.

  “I told you she’s five months pregnant, Malloy. Think back. I haven’t been with her since then.”

  I sat on the bed and actually started calculating it all. No way could I take his word for it. I hadn’t seen Sharon around any of our legitimate pledge experiences, so that would at least account for why I didn’t know she had a bulging tummy. Everyone else said she had been missing in action from the underground activities. Maybe this was why.

  “So she’s just telling you now?” I looked up. “I mean, if you’re saying you haven’t been with her, are you sure you’re the dad?”

  “Honestly, Malloy, I can’t be sure of anything. But she’s telling me I am, and she and I already agreed I’m getting a paternity test done. I wish she’d gotten rid of the baby, but five months ... Now there’s nothing I can do. We were together the week before I met you at that convention. I know I don’t love her—even then it was just for sex. I know I don’t want to have a future with her, but she sees dollar signs. When I cut it off, I guess she just decided she was just going to keep us connected in her own way and waited until it was too late to tell me. Gosh, I can’t stand her.”

  I really couldn’t stand her either for so many reasons, but now she was potentially carrying the child of a guy I really cared about, maybe even loved. I was scared to even think that. Now at least I knew why I couldn’t let myself get so involved, and take things to the next level. Perfect timing, too. Just when my feelings were about to go there, go to that next level, go to that place where he’d have my heart totally, there I sat before him completely broken.

  Now It seemed Kade wasn’t even the one who had intentionallyhurt me. I was beyond upset with myself. This was why I had to keep my heart in check and not get too close to him.

  My dad had hurt me long ago by walking out on not just my mom but on me as well. My heart had been crushed, I had vowed never to get myself in a situation where I would feel like that again, but here I was.

  Though I was tough and considered slightly hard, I did have a heart. And I knew I had to do what was right. I couldn’t let Kade feel obligated to whatever we had. So I looked at him, a guy who clearly looked torn apart himself.Seeing the despair in his brow, I knew it wasn’t easy for him to tell me all this, but he had. It was his reality. It was something we had to deal with. So I turned his cheek toward me and said, “You have to leave.”

  “I thought we just got past all that. I didn’t mean for this to happen. This wasn’t what I set out for.”

  Cupping his face with my hand so he knew I was sincere,I said, “No no, I understand all that, Kade, I do, but you’re going to be a dad. You talked about that the first time I ever had a conversation with you. You told me you wanted to be a better father than the father you had, regardlessof the circumstances and how it came about. No, this might not be ideal, but you’re going to be a dad. Take care of this child. Make a family. Go be with Sharon. Work it out.”

  The tough football player, one of the best in college athletics,stood before me with tears in his eyes. He got down on
both knees and placed his head on my waist. All I could do was rub his head and bend down and hold him. And though this was hurting me as much as I could clearly see it was hurting him, it was the right thing to do. If I was wrong, I had to be wrong doing something right.

  “We got to cut this off. Please don’t make this harder. Please leave.” I went over to the door, and Kade grudginglyleft.

  It was now time for the Beta Gamma Pi Eagle Weekend.This was the overnight experience the line had with the alumnae sorors. This step in our ritual existed so the line could bond. I was so on the outs with everyone, I had no expectations that being one with the group was at all possible. But because this was a legit activity, and none of the Alpha chapter Betas would be there, I was in.

  When I opened my door to look for my ride, Sirena came over and said, “You got your bags packed. Where are you going?”

  “Just something with a sorority.”

  “I can’t believe you’re still fooling with those girls. Y’all are going away overnight? What are you all going to be doing?”

  Squinting, I teased, “Girl, you are not my mama. Why are you getting all in my business?”

  “I’m just asking,” she said.

  Loni and Torian told me Sirena was clingy. I tried not to see it because she was really cool and could mix up a mean jambalaya. I did need her to step back, stay in her place, and not get all up in my space. But I knew her, and the only way to ask this was to say, “Could you watch out for the place?” I needed to give her something to feel part of so she’d back off.

  “Oh, yeah, I got that covered. I’ll watch this place like a lion watches his prey,” she said with her hard stance.

  “Let’s go, girl!” Tori shouted from her car window as she honked.

  My mom had called and told me the Eagle Weekend was going to be something I would cherish because it was a time where we would all feel very close to one another. I had doubts, but as the three of us followed the map and drove for forty-five minute to a secluded day spa, I smiled because I loved getting pampered.