Who We Could Be

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  “We’ll figure it out,” I whispered, before leaving her again.

  There was no way I was going home, so I made up the couch for myself like I had hundreds of times before. Monty always kept fresh sheets and extra pillows in the “Tessa closet” as she called it. I also had a bunch of clothes and other things in there. I sent my parents and my aunts a quick text about what was going on and that I was staying with Tessa for the night to make sure she was going to be okay.

  Let us know if you need anything, including hiding the body Aunt V said. I told her that wasn’t necessary, but good to know.

  I also did a deep dive on TJ’s social media, but didn’t see anything incriminating because he didn’t post all that often. He must have had secret accounts he’d been using. Fuck, I hated him so much. There might have been some sort of satisfaction that all my suspicions about him had been confirmed, but that feeling was destroyed by the anger I had for the way he’d treated my best friend.

  To pass the time, I started making a list of all the things we’d need to do, and people we’d need to call to cancel the wedding. Every now and then I kept glancing over at the piles of presents in the corner of the room. Yeah, those had to go. I hauled myself off the couch and took several trips down to my car and shoved the presents in the trunk. Monty could decide what to do with that shit later. We could build a bonfire in my parent’s backyard or sell that shit online if she wanted to.

  That task completed, I didn’t have much else to do but sit on the couch and come up with all the worst ways to torture TJ.

  A sound from the bedroom made me get up and stand outside the door to make sure I’d heard correctly.

  I knocked softly. “Hey, Ford, you okay?”

  Four

  Monty

  He’d done it. He’d really done that. I’d stared at the extremely graphic text for a long time before I realized what it said and what it meant. Then I had no choice but to see what else these two had been saying to each other, and then I wished I hadn’t looked at all.

  My stomach rolled and heaved and I rushed to the sink, nearly tripping over a box on my way.

  I’d heaved a few times and then heard the toilet flush and TJ came back out. I couldn’t remember much after that. I know I’d screamed a lot and he’d acted like I was the one who was in the wrong, and I was pretty sure I had threatened to kill him at least once and then I’d gotten in my car and drove home and called the only person I knew could help me: Tessa.

  You would have thought that I’d cried myself out earlier, but here I was, awake in my room and crying again.

  “Hey Ford, you okay?” Of course she’d heard me.

  “No,” I said, pulling a tissue out of the box beside my bed. If I didn’t start drinking some water, I was going to get completely dehydrated and shrivel up like a raisin.

  Tessa came in and sat on the bed.

  “What do you need me to do?” she asked. That was Tessa, always asking me what I needed.

  “Water,” I croaked, and she handed me the water bottle that I hadn’t seen on the nightstand. My hands trembled as I took a drink, slopping cold water all over myself.

  “Hey, that’s my line,” Tessa said with a laugh. She mopped me up with tissues as best she could, and I took a few more sips without incident.

  “Thanks,” I said.

  “Do you need anything else? Do you need me to talk about shit?”

  Nothing could make me feel better right now, but hearing Tessa go on about nonsense for a while might help my mind stop spinning for a little bit so I could let my exhausted body shut down for a little while.

  Over and over, I thought of all the things that TJ had ruined. Our wedding, for one. Cancelling that was going to be a massive project. Then I had to tell my parents, which was going to be a nightmare. They loved TJ more than I did.

  Then there was unloving him. I couldn’t unbreak my heart, and mending it was going to be a task in itself.

  Not to mention dealing with everyone’s input about my relationship. I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere without someone giving me a comment or a sad look or whispering behind my back. It was a wonder that people weren’t knocking down my door now, demanding for me to spill the tea. Those questions would come. It would all come, and I’d have to deal with that too.

  One little wisp of a feeling that had started stretching and opening in my mind, and if I didn’t know what to call it, I might have said it was something like relief. There would be time to turn that over and figure it out. Later.

  “Please talk about shit,” I said, and closed my eyes.

  She launched into a recap of a terrible reality show, complete with voice impressions and I had to open my eyes and watch her because she got totally into it. Honestly, I’d rather listen to Tessa tell me about a show or movie than see the thing myself. Her retelling was usually better.

  I found my face relaxing, my jaw unclenching, and my body heading toward something like sleep. Something warm brushed my forehead and I thought it might be a kiss, but I also might have imagined it.

  THE NEXT THING I KNEW, my alarm was going off, but it stopped before I could reach for my phone.

  “Sorry, sorry, I should have turned that off,” a voice said, and I cracked my still-swollen eyes open. “Hey.”

  “Hey,” I said, my voice cracking. I felt like I’d been hit by a truck, then hit by a train, then maybe run over by a bunch of other vehicles. I reached for the water and downed the entire bottle in a few gulps. Everything hurt, especially my head. I had a bitch of a migraine brewing right between my eyes.

  “Shit, it’s Monday,” I said. I had to work, and so did Tessa. “I have to get ready.” My plans were foiled when I tried to stand and it didn’t go very well.

  “Hey, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I can call out and I think you should to. You know that Lindsey will understand. You never take sick time, you’ve probably got a ton saved up.” She was right, but I hated to use a day for something like this.

  “Fuck,” I said, clutching my head. Both of my eyes had started twitching and the soft light in the room was hurting my eyes.

  “Come on, lay back down.” Tessa pushed me back into bed. “I’m going to get you some more water and make something for you to eat, okay? I also need to perfect my dramatic story to tell Ron and Bill.” Ron and Bill were the couple who operated the used bookstore that was affiliated with the library. They were both totally lovely and they adored Tessa, so I didn’t think she’d have any problems on that front.

  “You don’t have to take a day off for me,” I said. “I’ll be fine.”

  Tessa’s jaw clenched and she shook her head. “Not a chance I’m leaving you today.”

  Normally I would have fought her, but I didn’t have the energy.

  “Fine, whatever.” I closed my eyes and lay back on my pillows. Tessa came back a while later with a plate of eggs and bacon and water and tea. The last thing I wanted to do was eat, but she’d made up the plate and brought napkins and everything. It was so sweet that I couldn’t turn it down.

  “What are you eating?” I asked, and she revealed a second fork.

  “Whatever you don’t finish.”

  That ended up being most of the plate. I got a few bites in, but I did drink all my tea and have another glass of water. Tessa brought me some headache meds and in a little while, I tried getting up again and had more success.

  “What do you need me to do?” Tessa asked when I came back from the bathroom.

  “I need you to stop looking at me like I’m fragile and going to break. I’m going to be okay,” I said. I mean, I wasn’t, but she needed to hear the lie.

  Tessa sat down on my bed and sighed. “I’m sorry I’m not better at this shit.” I collapsed next to her and lay back.

  “You’re amazing, Cin. I don’t know what I would do without you.” She lay back and turned on her side. Her hair was all goofy in the back from how she’d slept on it. I reached out to smooth it for her.

  “F
irst, I’m going to take a shower. Then I want to go somewhere away from here and do something that will make me forget for a little while. Then I want to drink a lot of alcohol.” Tessa laughed and I felt my face trying to assemble a smile. I was trying.

  “I know exactly where we should go.” Tessa jumped to her feet and went to my bathroom to turn the shower on. It took forever to warm up.

  “Are you going to tell me where we’re going?”

  Tessa held out a hand to help me up. I took it and she hauled me to my feet and shoved me in the direction of the bathroom.

  “Surprises are fun,” she said as she closed me in the bathroom.

  “For you,” I muttered under my breath.

  TJ sent me a text message while Tessa and I were in the car going to wherever she was taking us.

  “Is that him?” she asked, glancing over at me and then back at the road.

  “Yeah. He said he wants to talk.”

  “Well, I want him to be forced to eat his own organs, but we can’t get everything we want. Give me that.” She held out her hand that wasn’t holding onto the wheel.

  “What if there’s an emergency?” I said, clutching my phone. I wasn’t going to send a message to him, but there were other people I needed to keep in touch with.

  “I’ll give it to you if there’s something important. Hand it over.” Deep down, I knew she was right, so I gave her the phone.

  “You’re not going to pretend to be me and text him back, are you?” I said, instantly suspicious. That was exactly the kind of thing Tessa would do.

  “No, I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to do anything but keep him from getting to you for today.”

  I sighed and looked out the window.

  “Pick a playlist,” Tessa said, handing me her phone. I scrolled through and found one she’d made that was my favorite and put it on so it piped through the car speakers.

  “Where are we going?” I asked, picking at one of my nails. My ring glinted on my hand and I thought I was going to throw up looking at it, so I made sure Tessa wasn’t watching as I slipped it off my hand and into my pocket. Now I just had to be sure that I wasn’t going to lose it. When I got back later, I’d have to do some research on what to do with it. Returning it to TJ was not an option. I’d chuck it in the ocean first.

  “We’re going where we’re going. Stop trying to ruin it. You’ll like it, I promise.” I wasn’t so sure about that. In fact, I highly doubted it, but at least this was a distraction, at least for a few seconds.

  Tessa stopped to get coffee and ordered without me even having to ask. She handed it over and I sipped the caffeinated goodness. I was feeling stronger already.

  “Eat that too.” She chucked a bag of croissants at me and I forced myself to choke down a few bites. Coffee was one thing, but food still wasn’t really sitting well with me.

  The playlist rolled through the songs that we loved, and I watched Tessa as she dramatically sang along to every single one. Her brain was not only filled with random facts, but it was full of hundreds of song lyrics. I’d seen her memorize an entire song after listening to it two or three times. Tessa’s brain fascinated me.

  “Here we are,” she finally said. I honestly had no idea where we were, but I could read the sign that said Maine Cat Sanctuary.

  “You know I can’t have a cat at my apartment, we’ve talked about this so many times.” It wasn’t that I didn’t want one, someday. I loved animals.

  “We’re not going to adopt one. We’re going to go pet some kittens. Come on.” She got out of the car and wrenched my door open, a huge grin on her face. I still couldn’t smile, but I appreciated her effort.

  “Come onnnnn,” she whined, heading toward the door.

  “Okay,” I said.

  “SEE? ISN’T THIS AWESOME?” Tessa said as she put as many kittens as she could into her lap at once. They all gravitated toward her, like she was the cat whisperer. I’d seen her do shit like this before with lots of animals. She definitely had some kind of supernatural powers where that was concerned.

  I had only been able to lure two kittens toward me. One was all-black with one tiny white sock, and the other had impressive ear tufts and multi-colored fur. The black one was asleep in my lap, and the other one kept lightly biting my hand if I stopped petting the top of its head.

  All of the kittens were up for adoption, but that definitely wasn’t a decision I was making today. Not in this emotional state.

  “Yes, you’re very cute,” I said, picking up the bitey kitten. It meowed in my face and then tried to bite my nose. “You are a little troublemaker.”

  “Oh my goodness yes, what is wrong?” One orange furball had been screaming at Tessa and she picked up the sweet thing and put it to her ear.

  “Oh no, and then what happened?” She pretended to listen as the kitten meowed over and over again. “That’s terrible, I’m so sorry.” She kissed the soft head and cradled the fluff to her chest.

  “We redheads understand each other,” she said. The kitten had stopped complaining and its eyes kept closing as if it was going to fall asleep.

  “What am I going to do, Cin?” I whispered. Cute animals could only distract me so much.

  “I’m going to help you cancel all that shit, and you’re going to send a message to that girl, and then you’re going to move on. Because he’s not worth it. He’s not worth it. He never has been.” Her tone was bitter, and I could tell it wasn’t just from the cheating.

  “I know you’ve never liked him,” I said. “You aren’t as subtle as you think you are.”

  “How was I supposed to like him?” Her voice startled all the kittens and they cried. “I’m sorry.” She apologized and gave them all kisses. “But it’s true. He wasn’t even worthy to fix your car, god Ford. How did you expect me to feel?” She lowered her voice, but her tone cut me like knives.

  “I expected you to support the decision I made.”

  Tessa rolled her eyes. “Clearly, he was a bad fucking decision.”

  I sat up, startled. “Are you blaming me for him cheating?”

  “No, of course not! I’m just saying he wasn’t a good guy, even without that. He’s not good enough for you.” Now I was the one rolling my eyes.

  “So, who is good enough for me, because that’s what you’ve said about anyone I tried to date.” I rolled through the guys I’d told her I was interested in that she had shot down. The list was pretty long. True, a lot of those guys were losers, but still. She should let me make my own decisions.

  “That’s because no one is good enough for you, least of any of the crusty local guys.”

  “Tessa, that’s ridiculous and you know it.” She gently dislodged the kittens in her lap and stood up.

  “The fact that you can’t see yourself makes me so angry. You’re amazing and you can’t even see it. You sell yourself short all the time and I’m so tired of it. You deserve better. You deserve the best. I don’t know who that is but admit one thing: you were never happy with TJ. Just admit that, because we both know it’s true.” Those words slashed me open, laid me bare. I couldn’t do this anymore.

  I put the kittens down and stood up. “I’ll be in the car.”

  Why was she doing this? She was supposed to be helping me feel better, not making me feel more like shit. I got in the car and slammed the door shut. I’d thought I was out of tears, but there they were again. It took a few minutes before Tessa walked out and got in the car with me.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  I wiped my cheeks. “No shit you shouldn’t have said that.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said again, and I looked over and saw that she was crying too. “I just hate him for doing this to you.”

  “Yeah, well, that makes two of us.”

  We sat in the car, both silently crying for a while. Tessa swiped at her face, turned on the car and pulled out.

  “Where are we going?”

  “To get some alcohol,” she sai
d.

  BOTH OF US DECIDED that going to a bar wasn’t the best idea, mostly because then we’d have no way to get home, so we headed instead to the closest gas station that sold booze. Tessa went in and grabbed whatever, coming out with two bags.

  “Getting wasted isn’t cheap, holy shit. But at least it’s cheaper at home than at a bar.”

  Since neither of us wanted to get drunk at her parent’s house, we headed back to my place. I kept getting distracted by a rattling in the trunk that had just been getting progressively worse the longer Tessa drove.

  “What is going on back there?” Her car was ancient and prone to odd noises, but this was something else.

  “It’s all your wedding presents. I figured you wouldn’t want to see them. I also hid all the pictures of TJ, not that there were many.” That was true, I hadn’t had a lot of them up. Come to think of it, I didn’t have a lot of pictures of myself with TJ, not even on my phone. We’d just never taken that many. The only ones I could remember had been sent to me by other people.

  “I can delete the ones off your phone if you want.” She still had my phone.

  “No, I can do that.” I’d probably throw up while doing it, but it was all part of the process. I wondered if he’d sent me any further messages.

  I also still needed to draft a message to the other girl.

  We made it back to my place in the early afternoon and I was ready to go to sleep again, but Tessa had gotten some coffee brandy, and I figured that had to have some caffeine in it. I sat down at my little kitchen table and watched as Tessa pulled out some glasses.

  “Okay, I think we’re supposed to mix it with milk, or Moxie soda, but that’s not happening.” Tessa looked up from her phone and made a gagging noise. Moxie was supposed to be the Coke or Pepsi of Maine, but neither of us was a big fan.

  “Milk’s fine.” Tessa assembled drinks and I sucked one back and slammed the glass down.

  “Give me a second to catch up,” Tessa said, trying to chug the glass and then choking. She got the glass down but made a face. “Ugh, too much milk in that one. Do you have any chocolate syrup or anything?” I happened to have some in the fridge, so she pulled that out, and then went to the freezer for some ice cream.