Who We Could Be

by Chelsea M. Cameron

“Oh, that’s fine, I’m not hungry right now,” he said, and I laughed.

  “For the wedding, Gus. What do you want to eat for the wedding?”

  He blinked as if I’d asked him if he wanted to serve toes. “Right. There’s food involved. Uhhh...”

  I slammed my laptop shut. “Listen, we already figured out a venue and our colors, or lack thereof. That’s enough planning for one night. We still have a year. Some people throw this stuff together at the last minute.” A headache had started to camp out behind my eyelids, and if I had to think about any more decisions, I was going to scream.

  “Sounds good.” Gus flopped onto his back. “I bet your mom isn’t going to be happy about the colors, though.” Really? Were we still talking about this?

  “I don’t care. It’s my wedding. If she wants to be invited, she’ll deal.”

  Gus grinned at me. “You know that she would murder you, right? Well, first she would show up, and then she would murder you.”

  “She would. I don’t know why she cares so much. We’ve had so many other weddings, but she’s being weird because she’s mother of the bride. I don’t get it, because she’s such a feminist and isn’t about gender roles or any of that crap, but this seems to be something she’s clinging to.” I sighed. “It’s a lot of pressure. Being the only daughter.”

  Gus slid closer to me. “I’m sorry. That’s not really fair to you.”

  “It is what it is.”

  “Have you tried talking to her about it?”

  “Not really. I love her, but she wouldn’t listen.”

  “It’s worth a shot. If this isn’t what you want.”

  I glanced at him. “What about you? You don’t want a wedding either, but you’re doing it for your parents.”

  “That’s different.”

  I nudged him with my shoulder. “How? You’re caving to parental pressure, just like me.”

  “It is different,” he insisted.

  “Fine,” I said.

  The two of us didn’t speak for a few moments.

  “I think I’m going to head home,” he said, getting up.

  “Are you mad at me?” I asked.

  He held his hand out to help me get up. I took it and stood.

  A smile softened his face. “No, I’m not. Sorry, I just have a lot to think about, and I think I need to do that thinking alone.” Gus kissed my forehead and I walked him out as he said goodnight to my parents.

  “Why didn’t he stay over? Or you could have gone there?” Mom asked, as Gus drove away in his noisy truck. I always knew when he was coming by the rattle.

  “No reason,” I said. I wasn’t getting into this stuff. “I’m going to bed.”

  “You two aren’t fighting, are you?” Mom jumped up from the couch, as if she was going to run after Gus herself and make him come back and make up with me.

  “No, Mom. We’re fine. Can you just lay off?” I regretted the words the instant I said them. “Sorry, I’m just tired and I’m getting a headache. Goodnight.” I hugged her and Dad and headed for the shower. A hot shower always did the trick to relax me when I had too much to think about.

  Once I was in bed, I scrolled through wedding pictures, looking at the beaming faces of so many people. The happiest day of their lives.

  I had told myself over and over that a wedding and a marriage with Gus was what I wanted. I was going to have what these people had. We’d be happy together, forever. Meant for each other, ever since we were kids.

  This was everything I’d ever wanted. Right?

  I DIDN’T END UP SLEEPING at all, and I was pissy as fuck the next day. Somehow, I made it through work, but I got a text from Gus just as I was getting into the car that he wanted me to come over. I hadn’t talked with him since last night, figuring he wanted some space. I knew him well enough after all these years to sense when he needed to be by himself. Gus withdrawing was a huge red flag, and I’d honored that.

  He was on the porch when I pulled up in my car, beer in hand. He held one out to me and I sat on the swing that held two people. He tipped back and forth in the rocking chair his grandfather had made, and that he’d restored.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, breaking the silence.

  “I’m not sure, honestly. I’ve been thinking about a lot.” He stared out across the lake. There were still a few boats puttering around, and more than a few people swimming, diving off the docks that jutted out where land met water.

  My stomach twisted.

  “Are you going to tell me about this ‘a lot’?”

  Gus faced me. “I don’t think we should get married.”

  I couldn’t breathe for a second, and then there was only one thing to say, “why?”

  Gus glanced at the lake again. “I think...I don’t know if I want to get married. To anyone. This is one situation where ‘it’s not you, it’s me,’ is actually true.”

  I waited for him to go on as he took a long sip from his beer bottle. I held mine so hard that my fingers hurt.

  “I love you, I need you to know that. But I can’t love you the way you expect me to love you. I’m so sorry, Tessa.”

  A mosquito landed on my leg. I didn’t bother to slap it away.

  “What does that mean?”

  Gus took a shaky breath. “I think I’m asexual. Or something like that. I’m still figuring it out myself, but I think that’s where I am right now. And I need some room to explore that, and I don’t think I can do that while planning a wedding to you. I’m so sorry, Tessa. I really, really am. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.”

  I sat back on the swing and tried to figure out what to say. People were coming out right and left these days. First Monty, and now Gus.

  “So, you don’t want to marry me?”

  “That’s the other part. I don’t know if I want to marry anyone. Or if I want to be in a marriage-type relationship. Sure, I know I could have a partnership and not call it marriage, but I need to figure out what shape that would take before I try to have it with someone, if I decide I want to. I’m also not totally convinced I’m straight, either.”

  Holy shit, this was a lot.

  “Jesus, Gus. Are you okay?”

  He gave me a tight smile. “I’m supposed to be asking you that.”

  “Are you?”

  “I’m not sure. But I think I might be better than I have been in a long time. I just didn’t want to hurt you. Fuck, that was the last thing I wanted, you know that, right? I’m so sorry, Tess.”

  I got up from the swing and wrapped him in a hug and kissed the top of his head, and sat on his lap, the chair tilting back and forth.

  “It’s okay, Gus. I love you. I always have, always will.” As soon as the words were out, I knew they were the right ones. “We’ve been together so long that I think I just...went with it. I never questioned it.”

  Gus’s revelation was a match that had lit several small fires that started to burn inside me.

  I should be a wreck. I should be a mess. I should be cursing his name and screaming and throwing shit.

  I wasn’t. The overwhelming feeling that crashed over me like a bucket of ice water was relief. Cool, sweet relief.

  There would be no more planning. No more pressure. No more worrying about who to invite or whether to serve chicken or how I was going to pay for everything. I wasn’t going to be moving. My life wasn’t going to change.

  “Gus, this may blow your mind, but I don’t think I wanted to marry you either. You’re still my second-best friend, and I will always love you. But I didn’t want to marry you. Don’t want to marry you.” The revelation hit me so hard, I wondered if it was really happening.

  How could I not have seen it?

  I absolutely, definitely, did not want to marry Gus.

  “What a pair we make, huh?” he said, smiling at me. God, I did love him, but I loved him the way I loved my brothers and my sisters-in-law. We’d gotten swept away by expectations and pressure from all angles.

  “Yeah, well, a
t least we figured this shit out before the big day. Think of all the people who never do, or they do and they’ve been married for twenty years. I’m proud of you, you know. Proud of you for telling me. If you hadn’t said anything, we probably would have gone through with it,” I said.

  Gus’s arms tightened around me. “It might not have been bad. The two of us.”

  “It might not have. But if it’s not what we want, then why would we do it?”

  There it was. The reasons for getting married didn’t outweigh the reasons not to. Even if only one of us wanted out, that was enough.

  “I’ll tell our parents. I’m the one who initiated,” he said.

  I moved a curl back from his forehead.

  “We can do it together.” Thinking about telling my parents made me want to throw up, but it would have to be done, sooner rather than later.

  “Come on, let’s go inside.”

  The mosquitos were starting to get bad, and my beer was lukewarm at this point. Gus led me inside and I looked around with fresh eyes. I wasn’t going to be living here. This would still be the place where I’d come to hang out, and Gus would still be one of my best friends.

  I did a twirl in the kitchen as he started pulling things out to make up a little snack plate like we always did.

  “You look happy,” he said, arranging a few pieces of cheese.

  “I think I’m the happiest someone has ever been about a broken engagement. I should be sobbing and shoving ice cream in my face and plotting ways to poison you.”

  Gus pulled out a fresh tub of my favorite local ice cream, filled with little white chocolate caramel cups, vanilla ice cream, and fudge crunch. “We can at least make the ice cream part happen.”

  As we worked our way through the snacks, we devised a plan of how to tell everyone and when. Our parents would be first, then a public statement on social media. I was against that, but Gus raised a valid point that we were bound to get a ton of questions, and it was easier to get out ahead of that and present a united front so at least our version would be out there.

  “I hate that we have to do that, but it makes sense. Plus, with one post we can inform a shit ton of people at once,” he said.

  Gus protested when I said I needed to give the ring back.

  “I’m giving it back, Gus. It’s yours. It belongs in your family. I couldn’t keep that. You might want to use it for someone else someday.”

  “Maybe,” he said. “It’s a lot to think about. So many possibilities that I never allowed myself.”

  “I think I know what you mean.”

  GUS AND I TALKED AND talked and talked and decided that it was best for both of us to tackle our parents in the same night. He came with me first, and it actually went better than I thought it would. Yes, my mother cried and gnashed her teeth a little, but my dad got her calmed down and I convinced her this was really a mutual decision and we still loved each other, we just didn’t want to be married. We’d agreed not to talk about Gus’s reasons ahead of time. He would come out when he was ready.

  After a while, my mom calmed down.

  “Well, if you didn’t want to get married, why didn’t you just say so?”

  Gus and I shared a look. Neither of us had an answer for her, because there was no one answer. There were layers upon layers of answers.

  Finally, we progressed to his parents. I didn’t have much contact with them, but they were good people. Just quiet. They took it without too much fuss, but things did get awkward and I left as soon as I could.

  Gus and I hugged in the driveway of his parents’ home.

  “Thank you for figuring this out. And for telling me,” I said. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.” He gave me a tight hug and then got in his truck, heading back to the cabin.

  Then I realized I had to go back to my own parents and I really needed a break. So I showed up at Monty’s door. At least I knocked this time.

  “Hey, what are you doing here?”

  “Gus and I broke up, can I stay here?”

  She blinked at me a few times. “I’m sorry, what?” Monty stepped aside and I plowed my way to the couch. This had been a long fucking night. At least I didn’t have to work tomorrow.

  “You and Gus broke up?” Monty crouched next to the couch and took my hand. “What the hell happened?”

  “Well, without going into too much detail, we decided that neither of us wanted to be married to each other. If we ever did. Fuck, I have so much to think about and I’m too tired to do anything.” I lay back and rested my head on a pillow and closed my eyes. I’d never been so tired in my entire fucking life.

  “That’s...a lot to take in.” Monty squeezed my hand and I opened my eyes and looked at her face.

  “I should be sad, right? I should be fucking devastated. I should be crying on the bathroom floor in a heap. I shouldn’t feel so much relief.”

  The relief was a light feeling, a free feeling. The guilt for feeling said relief was heavy, so I kept bouncing between the two.

  Monty rested her chin on my arm. “I know what you mean. After all the crying and betrayal and shit, that was me. It’s okay to realize that you don’t want something anymore. It’s okay to change your mind, Cin.”

  Was it? Was it okay? Everything I’d been told and had seen contradicted that. There were next to no divorces in my family. Everyone just seemed to meet someone, get hitched, and lived happy ever after. I thought I was going to be the same. My plan had been foolproof.

  “Look at us. Two broken engagements between us.” Monty laughed softly.

  “What a pair of losers.” I was half-joking, half-serious. She wrapped a curl of my hair around her finger for a moment.

  “You’re not a loser, Tessa.”

  “Neither are you. And neither is Gus. TJ is, though. He’s lower than a loser, if that’s possible.”

  Monty smiled softly, and I could tell she was as tired as I was.

  “Can I stay here tonight? I can’t handle my mom’s emotions right now. She’s too much.”

  She stood up. “You can always stay here, you know that.” She went to the kitchen and came back with two cups of tea, in the silver cups.

  “Looks like you’re getting use out of this,” I said, raising the cup.

  “It’s so beautiful. I try to use it every day.” I moved my feet so she could sit down on the edge of the couch, but then I put my feet in her lap.

  “I’m glad I didn’t get a wedding dress. That would have been a bitch to try and return. And we didn’t book a venue or anything.” Finally, my procrastination had paid off.

  “Is Gus okay? I’m going to text him tomorrow.”

  The tea was bright and sharp, orange with hints of mint.

  “Yeah, I think he’s a lot more okay than he’s been. We could all hang out tomorrow.” I’d completely forgotten he and I had made plans to have a picnic by the lake and swim. He was also going to try and teach me how to fish, but I was dubious about that.

  “Are you sure? I don’t want it to be weird.”

  I finished my cup of tea. “No, I think he’d be glad to see you.”

  Monty seemed lost in thought for a while, and I was barely holding my eyes open. I somehow pushed to my feet and went to change my clothes and brush my teeth. When I came back, Monty was still a million miles away.

  “You okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah, just thinking.” She got up so I could make up my little bed. I’d never been so excited to go to sleep.

  “I’m sorry, I’d love to stay up and talk, but I literally can’t. I don’t know how I’m forming this sentence right now.” All of my words came out as gibberish.

  “Okay, goodnight, Cin,” she said with a sigh, and patted my head. “Things will make more sense in the morning.”

  I was nearly out when I swear she leaned down and placed a kiss on my forehead, but I must have imagined it.

  Fifteen

  Monty

  I couldn’t wrap my mind around what had
happened between Tessa and Gus. It seemed unfathomable. For as long as I could remember, everyone had known the two of them would end up together. It had never really bothered me, because it was a given, a fact. As unchangeable as the rotation of the earth.

  Now everything was different. I’d spent a significant amount of time wondering what I would have worn to the wedding, and what I was going to get them as a present. I’d encouraged her to have a registry to make it easier on everyone, but she’d made a face every time I’d suggested it.

  I wouldn’t have to do that now. Well, I still kind of wanted to give her a present. It seemed cruel that just because she’d made an adult decision that was in her best interest that she would no longer get a gift. That was the best reason to give someone a present, in my opinion.

  Oh, Gus. My heart broke for him. Tessa had skirted around his reasons, but I couldn’t stop my own speculations running wild when I couldn’t sleep that night.

  So much had changed in less than two months. What the hell was going on? My heart kept randomly racing and I couldn’t find a comfortable position. At last, I got up and went to the kitchen just for something to do. Tessa was completely sacked out on the couch, moonlight from a break in the curtains painting her face. I leaned against the counter and watched her for a moment, then shook myself because that was a weird thing to do. Friends didn’t watch friends sleep.

  In the back of my fridge, I found a container of fancy chocolate pudding I’d forgotten I’d bought last week. Perfect. I put on a random YouTube video and ate the pudding, while begging my brain to slow down and realize it was bedtime.

  No such luck. Several hours later, the pudding was gone and I was no closer to sleep, but I needed to at least make an attempt.

  Tessa coughed and I sat up in bed. Should I check on her? Was she okay? She’d seemed okay earlier, but she might have just been putting on a brave face. She’d been so exhausted.

  After debating for a few seconds, I got up and tiptoed out and peered around the door into the living room. Tessa sighed and rolled over, but she didn’t seem to be awake. Just tossing in her sleep. I paused for a few moments, just waiting for her to settle down again. I couldn’t help being concerned. Tessa was my best friend, and as much as she didn’t want to make a big deal of it, a broken engagement and the end of her relationship was a big deal. Even if it was a mutual decision.