Back-Up

by A. m Madden

I was drunk that night, but there is no way I didn’t use a condom. “You’re lying.”

  “No, Jack. You took me against the wall, while we were in the middle of an argument. I’m not lying.”

  I vaguely remember that. Ironically, with everything she just dumped on me, my thoughts go to Leila instead and the fact that I lied to her about always using a condom.

  “I want proof.”

  “I’ll have a paternity test, although it’s not necessary. You’re the father.”

  “Prove it.”

  “You have a lot to digest. Take what I said about Danny seriously. I’ll be in touch regarding a paternity test.” With that she strolled out the door.

  How could my life go from fucking amazing to fucking disastrous in a matter of minutes?

  I can’t lose Leila over this. We are just starting out our relationship.

  I’m going to have to tell her.

  I run into the bathroom in time to empty my stomach into the toilet.

  As I walked back towards the party in search of more alcohol to replace the amount I just purged, I turned to see Leila and Dylan intimately close to each other.

  Her hands were on his chest as she spoke to him. I turned back to the room I came from and grabbed a chair to throw it against the wall.

  When I did come back to the party, I couldn’t bring myself to look at her. I wanted to cross the room and grab her, claim her, show everyone here she was mine. Instead I cowardly avoided her. I watched her from across the room. Every so often her eyes would search for mine. She knew something was wrong and kept her distance, also giving me mine.

  I walked over to be near her and she took the few steps to meet me half way.

  “Are you ok?” She asked with concern evident in her eyes. I’m sure she was curious who that woman was and why we were gone for so long. But yet, she didn’t say a word.

  She deserves so much better than me.

  “I am now.” I stepped a bit closer so our arms touched. Her skin on mine dulling the crushing pain I felt inside myself. “Is everything ok with you and Dylan?” My stupid curiosity caused the question to pop out. I had nerve to worry about her and Dylan with my situation looming above us like a storm cloud that was about to wreak havoc.

  “He kissed me again. I set him straight.”

  My eyes flew over to the bastard, standing in the corner. I wanted to cross the room and beat the living crap out of him. I was unconsciously clenching my jaw and my fists with the vision of doing just that.

  I looked down at her gorgeous face watching mine closely. I paused and remembered how she reacted the last time I jumped to conclusions. The bottom line is I trust her, completely.

  She, on the other hand, had no business to trust me…especially with her heart, because I was about to shatter it.

  “Do I need to kick his ass?”

  “Please don’t. I don’t want you spending the night in jail. I have plans for you.”

  “I love you.” I whispered.

  “I know.” She smiled shyly, letting me know with her eyes she loved me to. She squeezed my hand and moved over to be with her friends.

  All the success we have will mean nothing without her. My life would be the worst kind of hell if I had to live every day with her within arms’ reach, but not being able to have her.

  When the party came to an end, I watched Dylan stand close to her, as he whispered to her. I had to look away when he touched her. To make matters worse, he had the nerve to tell me on his way out, “She isn’t the kind of girl to screw around with.”

  Why would he say that to me? There is no way she confided in Dylan with details of our situation. He must have figured it out on his own. Leila watched our exchange from across the room. She mouthed, “I love you.” I smiled weakly, wanting to rewind the last hour of our night and make it go away.

  After the party was over we all boarded the bus to begin our tour. Leila knows something is wrong but she hasn’t asked me to explain myself yet. I need to tell her the whole truth tonight. I can’t start this journey until I tell her everything.

  As I’m cowering in my bunk waiting for her to get changed, I run through my conversation with Jessa, and wonder how I will be able to find the courage to tell her. When she approaches, her face reveals that she knows something bad is about to happen.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey. Did you have a good time?”

  “I did. Are you ok?” she asks.

  “Not really.”

  “You were awesome tonight Jack.”

  Caressing her face, I silently a say a prayer that she forgives me. I can’t lose her. I just can’t...

  “So were you.”

  I sit up and take her hands in mine. “Can I talk to you?”

  She nods weakly and I lead her to the bedroom.

  Once inside, I close and lock the door.

  “Leila, I need to tell you something.” She sits heavily on the bed and doesn’t meet my eyes.

  “Is this about that girl?”

  “Yes. She’s my ex.”

  “Oh.”

  “Babe, we need to talk.”

  The color drains from her face. She outstretches her arms as if holding on to the bed will prevent her from collapsing.

  “Jack, you’re scaring me.”

  I need to touch her. I feel like an hourglass filled with our time together, is down to its last few grains of sand.

  I can’t bring myself to say any of the words I’ve been iterating in my head. I gently sit on the bed next to her and take her hand.

  “Lei, she came to warn me about our old bassist who is pissed that we kicked him out of the band years ago. She felt it was necessary to tell me about his grudge. He’s a lunatic, and I don’t take her news lightly.”

  Leila brings our hands to her lips, kissing mine gently. “Jack, is he after you?”

  “I’m not sure, but I’m more worried about you. I’m glad you and I haven’t gone public yet. I don’t want him even putting you on his radar.”

  Leila’s relief causes the bile to rise in my throat. She thinks this is all I have to say. What I’ve admitted to is nothing compared to what I still need to admit.

  “Babe, Jessa also came to tell me she’s pregnant.”

  Leila predictably pulls her hand out of my grasp. “What?”

  “It may not be mine. I was with her a few months ago. It was a huge mistake. I told her I want proof.”

  Tears immediately fill her eyes and slide down her face.

  “Baby, I’m so sorry. This changes nothing for me…nothing. I love you more than anything and I …I can’t lose you.” Holding her hand again I plead for her to stay. “Please babe, please don’t give up on us.” I try to pull her closer but she shrugs away from me. My heart feels like someone is driving a steel rod right through it.

  “I don’t…Jack ...please don’t touch me. I need you to let me be…please. I need to be alone.”

  I nod and stand reluctantly. Even so, I ignore her plea and step closer. I wipe away her freely falling tears and place a soft kiss on her lips. “Please promise me that you won’t shut me out. We have to talk about this.”

  A simple nod is all she gives me as she steps away from my touch. I leave the room and close the door to give her the space she asked for. Hours later, sitting on the edge of the bed, I watch her toss and turn in her sleep until daylight starts to filter in through the slats of the blinds. I quietly close her door and return to my bunk.

  ***

  I’ve been up all night, recanting all the mistakes I’ve made that led to this. I can’t bring myself to leave my bunk. I can hear the guys all chatting up front, reliving details of last night. I don’t hear Leila’s voice in the mix.

  “He emerges.” Hunter calls out when he sees me.

  I ignore him and knock on Leila’s door. She opens it slowly, barely looking at me when she does. It’s obvious she’s been crying. My heart breaks from the pain I’m causing her. I can’t lose her. I would give everything up to avoi
d losing her.

  “Can I come in?”

  She moves aside and opens the door to allow me access. I move to the bed and immediately sit in preparation for the heartbreak I’m about to feel.

  “Leila, I wish I could un-do what I did. It was a huge mistake and now the person I love the most has to pay the price. I’m so sorry.”

  Without warning, she launches herself onto my lap and into my arms.

  “I love you, Jack.”

  I cling to her as if I was drowning and she was my life vest. I’m afraid if I let go she’ll change her mind.

  “I’ll support you, no matter what the results are.” She pulls away from my embrace. “Jack, I’m not going to lie, it hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt before, but it’s because I love you so much. I don’t want you keeping anything from me. No matter what it is, I need to know. No matter how bad. I’ll need you as much as you need me during this nightmare.”

  “I promise, no matter what.” I tighten my hold on her. “Leila, I don’t deserve you.”

  I’ve never thought how blessed my life was until now. I would move heaven and earth to make her happy. I would do anything, to keep her safe, anything.

  I love her.

  Leila and Jack’s story continues in Front & Center, coming soon.

  Acknowledgements

  Writing this book seems very surreal to me. Reading romance novels is definitely something I happen to be a professional at. The books I’ve read, allowed me to escape the stress and daily struggles of my busy life.

  I am a textbook hopeless romantic. I am also a stickler for realism. I love all the books I’ve read, but many left me thinking, “That would never happen.”

  So I began imagining a love story that could happen. I filled it with all the factors I love in a romance, specifically, hot rock-stars. But most importantly, I wanted to create a book that was filled with fun, compelling and realistic characters that you could fall in love with.

  The story of Back-up began in my head. Once I got serious and put words to paper, they flowed relentlessly. Every spare moment I had was used obsessively writing this book. Laundry, cooking, and other chores took a back seat, and I apologize to my family for the un-intentional neglect.

  I have so many people I want to thank for helping me finally put my dream into motion.

  I thank my fantastic husband, who has been my best friend for the last twenty-six years. I thank my boys, who encouraged and rooted me on once they “accidentally” discovered my new project and obsession. I love these three men in my life more than life itself.

  I thank my family who unknowingly supported me through this process. Their love is a constant in my life. Thank you to all my friends who are the best group of people one could ever know. You have touched me in ways I’ll never be able to express. I love you all, and you all know what you mean to me. A huge thanks goes out to my reading buddy and romance novel confidant. Your opinion and advice during this process has been invaluable to me.

  Thank you Tres Cunningham at custombookcover.com, and Sarah at Sprinkles on Top Studios for creating covers that captured my feelings perfectly. Thank you to Kathleen Y. at Swept Away by Romance Book Blog. Your advice and pointers are priceless to me. Our relationship began as a blogger who loved this new author’s book, but it blossomed into a true friendship. I adore you girl. To Nikki B. at Bookaholics Blog, Geri at Ever After Romance Book Blog, and Kathy at Panty Dropping Book Blog, thank you all so much. Not only were you the first to read and review my book, you all gave me invaluable advice. To Jake Bonsignore at Five Star Editing, I stumbled upon you and it was kismet. Thank you for editing Back-up. To all the authors who have fueled my love for a perfect romance, thank you for writing stories I became lost in. There are too many to name, but each and every book I’ve read touched my life in one way or another. Some helped in my own romance department, and my husband thanks you for that as well.

  Thank you to all the musical inspirations that are a part of me. Bruce Springsteen’s music has influenced me since I was twelve years old. My Darkest Days, Linkin Park, Every Avenue, Journey, Pat Benatar, Led Zeppelin, you music and lyrics helped me get through my long commute, every day for over two decades.

  Finally, thank you to my readers. If you walked away feeling as if you knew Jack, Leila and all the others, if you fell in love with them as much as I did, and if you enjoyed their story, then my goal as a writer has been met. I can’t wait to continue their journey with you.