by Bijou Hunter
“I should have warned you that Cooper is the jealous type,” she said, sitting next to me in class and checking her appearance in a little compact. “I think I just got distracted by Tyler’s abs. Have you seen them? They’re pretty fucking spectacular. Oh, and he aced everything yesterday. Didn’t even break a sweat. Hot and smart, I’ve hit the motherload.”
As usual, I had to wait until Skye finished before I could return to the first thing she said. “What about Cooper?”
“You didn’t really like Nick, did you? He’s cute, but not really hot. Not rich or smart. He’s not Tyler and he certainly isn’t Cooper.”
“What about Nick?”
Shrugging, Skye focused on a crying girl who entered the room. The girl’s friends descended upon her with promises to study more.
“I did fine,” Skye said. “I mean, how could I not? I showed up. I took notes. I stayed awake. How hard is it to pass these tests? Fucking hillbillies.”
Shaking my head, I wanted Skye to focus. “What happened to Nick? He hasn’t been in class, but a lot of people ditched today.”
“Oh, he’s in the hospital. Cooper fucked him up. How could you not know that when it’s your boyfriend and your whatever Nick is to you?”
As a cold dread settled into my stomach, I thought I might vomit. “Will Nick be okay?”
“You should stop worrying about Nick,” Skye muttered, glaring at me. “Guys like Cooper don’t want their girlfriends talking up losers. You need to keep your eye on the ball, Farah, or you’ll lose him.”
Normally when Skye got bitchy with me, I pulled within myself and avoided conflict. This time though, I walked out of the room just as the instructor entered. I didn’t care about anything except finding Cooper and making him explain what the fuck he thought he was doing?
Cooper was in his Analytic Geometry and Calculus class when I found him, but he wasn’t listening. His gaze was on the chair in front of him and he looked either pissed or depressed. Standing at the doorway, I waited for him to notice. The minute our eyes met, Cooper knew I knew and I saw his gaze harden.
Once we were alone on the grassy quad and away from the nearby classrooms, I waited for him to explain. Instead, he stared at me until I cried.
“Why him?” Cooper asked, leaning down to speak near my ear. “Why is always fucking him?”
“He’s nice. That’s all he’s ever been to me. He helped me study. He talked to me about teaching. It was never anything more.”
“Fuck that. I see the way he looks at you. I see how you two are always together. He wants you. Why do you think it got out of hand last night? I told him to stay away from you and he mouthed off. He didn’t back down because he wants you. He said you’re too good for me. What the fuck? He doesn’t know me or you. He’s an asshole and he brought the beating on himself.”
Stepping away from Cooper, I remembered when he punched the wall next to my face. How he used his size, strength, and threats of violence to intimidate others into doing whatever he wanted. Usually he saw nothing wrong with it, but he had been freaked out the night before. Even now, I saw fear in his eyes.
“Do you think I’m a whore?” I asked.
Cooper stepped back and shook his head. “This isn’t about you.”
“You think I’d cheat on you? That I’m not loyal?”
“I said it’s not about you.”
“If Nick wants me and I don’t want him, why would you care? You said lots of guys think I’m hot. Are you going to beat them all up even though I only want you?”
“Look,” Cooper said, breathing too fast, “things got out of hand. He mouthed off then he didn’t just take the punch and stay down. He had to prove some shit, but there was no way he could win. He should have fucking stayed down, but he didn’t. He challenged me like he was saying he was taking you away.”
“But I don’t want him,” I said between clenched teeth. “I did in the beginning because he was nice and you were scary. Now, I love you and I shared those private things with you, but you act like I’m a slut who isn’t loyal. Like I’ll spread for someone else when I have you. That’s how you see me.”
“No,” he pleaded, taking my hands. “I saw him with you yesterday and he’s always looking at you. I’d see him on campus with his friends. If we’d walk by, he looked at you. He’s always staring. Even at the fucking fair, it’s like he’s stalking you. I wanted him to back off.”
“He’s not stalking me,” I said, rolling my eyes. “He barely talks to me. I usually talk to him first and he never makes any moves. He might think I’m hot, but so what? Every girl thinks you’re hot. They always check you out, but I don’t hunt them down and put them in the hospital for looking at my guy. I’m not a psycho, but maybe you are.”
“Farah, please. I messed up, but he made it worse.”
“You started it. You went after him then things got out of hand. You had no reason to even talk to him though. I love you and I’m loyal. I would never cheat so you shouldn’t have cared about Nick. You’re weird about him.”
Cooper ran his hands over his short hair and looked at me with mournful eyes. “That night at the party, you looked at him one way and me another. You felt something for him and you didn’t feel it for me. I know he means something to you, so don’t act innocent.”
“So now I am a whore you have to worry about?”
“No, but I know he’s not just any guy.”
“He’s nice and I wanted nice. You’re not nice.”
“Fuck that. I take care of you. I love you and he doesn’t do shit.”
“What is it that you thought would happen if you didn’t threaten him?”
“I thought he’d find a way to take you from me.”
“How?”
“I don’t know. I guess, he’d be nice,” Cooper sneered, trying to be angry, but looking as panicked as the night before. “You belong with me.”
“You hurt an innocent person, just for being nice to me. I’ve shared so much with you and taken down all those walls and it wasn’t enough. You still don’t trust me.”
“It’s him I don’t trust.”
“But he couldn’t fuck me unless I let him!” I yelled, losing my temper as we talked in circles.
“Fine, I’m sorry if it seems like I didn’t trust you, but it wasn’t about you. It was about him.”
“You’re still an asshole,” I said, walking away.
Cooper followed behind me. “Yes, but I’m your asshole. You need me like I need you. I wasn’t kidding last night about that. I can’t breathe without you, Farah.”
I kept walking even though I had no idea where I was going. My class was the other direction. My apartment was the other direction too. I was just walking to walk. Cooper followed me silently for a few minutes then placed his hand on my shoulder.
“I’ll apologize to him,” he said, forcing me to stop and look at him. “I’ll pay his hospital bills and fix things. Is that what you want?”
“I want you to trust me so people like Nick don’t get hurt.”
“I do trust you.”
“Not really.”
Cooper flexed his hands and I saw how raw and bruised his knuckles were. The thought of them pounding on Nick broke my heart. Those same hands could be so gentle with me that I’d let myself forget what Cooper was capable of when pushed. Even if he was the one who pushed himself into feeling like violence was necessary.
“I need space,” I said quietly.
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“You know what it means. I need time to think.”
“I’ll fix shit with Nick.”
“Good, but you can’t just fuck up people then apologize and act like it’s cool. Maybe you need to hurt bad people for the business, but not someone who never did anything except want what you have. I hate to break it to you, Coop, but lots of people want what you have. Your money, your looks, your long list of pussy, your family, me, the Harleys. You can’t pound on people for being envious.”
<
br /> The anger in Cooper’s expression faded until he just looked tired. “How much space? Like for how long?”
“I don’t know. There’s no rule book for how long to punish a guy for putting another guy in the hospital.”
“I didn’t plan to fuck him up like that. I didn’t even hit him that hard, but his head bounced off the curb and I knew it was bad.”
“Did you leave him there?” I whispered, imagining Nick lying on the ground.
Cooper sighed. “There were people around. His idiot friends jumped in… Shit, I fucked up, but you promised you wouldn’t leave me.”
“I thought you did something bad like hurt an asshole or even fucked another girl. I wasn’t sure I’d be okay with those things, but I told you what you needed to hear. It wasn’t those things though. It was you hurting a nice guy who helped me out a few times when I was struggling with schoolwork. He didn’t have it coming.”
Cooper frowned at any positive mention of Nick. He still held a grudge and I knew forgiving him wasn’t really my call. Nick was the one who suffered and he was the one who needed to forgive Cooper. I just needed time to figure out if Cooper would pound on every guy I talked to for the rest of our lives.
Leaving him standing on the quad, I returned to class. Skye said nothing when I joined her. When she spoke after class, it was about Tyler and his ability to bench press her. Admittedly, Skye’s descriptions of Tyler’s amazing strength did make me laugh. Yet, a hard ball of tension remained in my gut as I headed to my last class.
Cooper wasn’t in Spanish, so I sat in the front. Manuel mainly reviewed old lessons because so many students in his classes had done “mucho crapido.” Everyone laughed at this comment and the fifty minutes flew by. I was still thinking about the two empty seats in the room though. As I walked towards the door, I even looked back at Cooper’s regular spot and wondered what to do.
“Farah,” Manuel said, calling me back into the now empty room. When I was standing in front of him, he smiled and I knew I was in trouble. “Normally, a counselor would handle this, but it was felt because of your situation that requesting you go to the Admin building might be too…stressful.”
Assuming he meant my dating situation, I waited for the bad news. “Am I in trouble?” I asked when he didn’t continue.
“I want to assure you how many students are in the same boat as you. These tests are meant as a wakeup call for the lazier, more disorganized students. They can also reveal problems with students who really put effort into their studies.”
“Did I do badly on your test?” I asked, knowing the answer.
As Manuel glanced around then smiled softly, I felt my eyes burning. “Technically, you didn’t pass any of your exams,” he said and I immediately felt lightheaded. “Yet, the administration allows instructors to bump a grade into the passing range when we feel the student is struggling, but not for a lack of effort. In your case, all of your instructors know you are a good student. You attend class, participate, and actively learn, but clearly the first month hasn’t been easy and you’ll likely need tutoring.”
“Am I suspended or expelled?” I said, crying now. “Am I in trouble?”
Manuel reached out to comfort me then thought better of it. “No, Farah, it’s fine. This was why we didn’t want to call you into the Admin building. It’s sort of like the walk of shame for those students who aren’t putting in the effort.”
Breathing deeply, I tried to calm myself. It had proven to be a long day though and it wasn’t even four.
“Your exam scores were all bumped to D’s. I know that sounds bad, but you’re not on academic probation,” he said. “We just want you to get a tutor or two to help you catch up.”
“I study,” I babbled, feeling ashamed to have sat in his class every day and learned so little. “I don’t know why I did so bad.”
“Many students have trouble with tests especially the first ones,” he said, but I knew he was full of shit. My scores were bad enough that it wasn’t test anxiety. It was a lack of knowledge. I just didn’t know what I should have at this point. How had I fallen so far behind?
“Can I leave now?” I asked, needing to get home and cry for a while before work.
“Yes, of course. It really will be okay. These first exams are always a pain, but you’ll catch up.”
Thanking him, I hurried out the door and walked as fast as I could to the bus stop. Cooper wasn’t around to drive me and I didn’t notice Skye either. Maybe she was waiting for me somewhere, but I couldn’t see through my tears. No one bothered me on the ride home, ignoring my quiet crying. I hurried into my apartment and past Amy and Tex watching TV and drinking beers. Once in my room, I turned on the radio and cried into a pillow.
All those years working to get to college, it never occurred to me that I would fail. I felt such shame at knowing my dream would never happen because I was too stupid. I really thought I was better than everyone in my family including Tawny. I always told myself how good I was at school, but clearly I was just getting by in the shitty schools I attended growing up. Now, at a school not known for being academically rigorous, I crashed and burned.
Though desperate to talk to Cooper, he was one reason I failed. I had blown off too many hours of reading and studying just so I could be with him. Now, I’d lost Cooper and failed.
Eyeing my phone, I considered calling Tawny, but was too embarrassed. How could I tell her I only stayed off academic suspension because I was dating a Johansson? She wouldn’t judge me in her words, but I knew she would be disappointed. I had promised our dreams could come true and we’d be more than our parents. I was so certain I could be Mrs. Prescott. Now, I realized my teacher likely knew the truth. She just couldn’t bear to tell a child that life only provided opportunities for people better than me.
By the time I arrived at work, I was depressed and just going through the motions. I didn’t even check the ketchup bottles. Yet figuring I might spend the rest of my life as a waitress, I should at least take pride in the job.
When Cooper arrived, he rushed over to where I wiped a very clean table. “I apologized to Nick. He accepted my apology. I’m paying his hospital bills. The rest of his year at school too. We’re best buddies now. He’s even under my protection. It’s all better.”
“I’m glad.”
“That’s it? You’re glad.”
“I can’t talk about things when I’m working.”
“When do you have your break?”
“In an hour.”
“We’ll talk then.”
Despite the urge to say no, I missed Cooper so much I felt like nothing else mattered. The feeling was a lie though. My dream mattered, but I’d pissed it away. Or maybe I was always going to fail despite how hard I worked. Was I too stupid to succeed?
When I gave him a noncommittal nod, Cooper studied my face. I knew he wanted more than the nod. Apologizing to Nick wasn’t a Cooper move. He didn’t really think he was wrong. While regretting Nick was really hurt and worrying over me leaving him, Cooper didn’t genuinely feel guilty. He viewed me as his and anyone who interfered was an obstacle to be eliminated. Cooper’s ferocity might be terrifying, but at least he succeeded when he put his mind to things. I couldn’t claim the same about myself.
After I fed Cooper, I waited for break time when I would tell him how no amount of apologies could fix what was broken. I was the problem. Cooper was merely the symptom.
We stepped outside because I sensed he might not take things well and would get loud. Cooper reached for me immediately like he was dying without my touch. Even wanting to be in his arms, I stepped back.
“How much do you plan to punish me before we’re okay again?” he asked with a needy gaze.
“It’s been less than a day. Besides, I’m not punishing you. We just can’t be together.”
“What the hell is it now?” he asked. While his words were angry, his tone was more desperate.
“I need to focus on school,” I muttered, avoidin
g his gaze. “I can’t get distracted.”
Cooper erased the space between us and lifted my chin to force me to look at him. “I want to spend my life with you and I’m a fucking distraction?”
“I failed all of my tests, Coop. If I was anyone else, I’d be on academic probation,” I whispered, feeling ashamed. “I’ve always been a good student and I could get kicked out if I don’t pull up my grades.”
“Fuck that. I’ll get it fixed.”
“No,” I said, stepping back. “Being a good student was the only thing I ever did well. I couldn’t protect my sister. I wasn’t popular or stylish. I never had any great skills, but I kept my grades steady. I was the good average student in every class. Now, I’m failing.”
“I’ll help you study. I’ll hire tutors. I’ll make it better.”
“I want to make it better myself. I want to succeed on my own.”
“You’re not on your own,” he said, cupping my face with his battered hands. “You have me. You have my family. You’re not alone anymore.” Stepping back, I hated to see his dark eyes filled with pain and even tears. “So you just throw me away like I’m shit?”
“It’s better this way.”
“How do you figure?”
“I don’t know. It just seems like a thing to say.”
“Am I supposed to wait around while you get your crap together and decide you have time for me?
“No.”
“So you’re fine with me fucking someone else?”
Biting back tears, I shook my head. “I can’t be with you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
“Yes, it does. You’re making a damn choice.”
“I’m trying to accomplish the one thing I’ve wanted all my life,” I whimpered, pleading with him to understand. “The one thing that gives me value.”
“Why can’t I give you value?”
“Because you’re the one with value. I’m just your girlfriend.”
Cooper looked at the passing cars then up at the half hidden moon. Suddenly, he turned and punched the brick wall. Once, twice, again and again, until I pulled him away. His hands were bleeding as he cupped my face.
