by Bijou Hunter
“Fuck you, Farah,” he hissed. “I hate you for this, but I’m waiting until you realize how you aren’t alone because you and me are in this together. We’ll always be in it together because you and I are real in a way your silly childhood dreams aren’t. You are my treasure and I’m not letting you go because you got a few shit grades. Love doesn’t work like that.”
As easy as it might be to soothe Cooper and hope I could handle his love and my schoolwork, I knew easy choices were often mistakes. I needed to do well at school to have any value. Cooper couldn’t understand because he always had value. He had a life where one failure didn’t mean the end of the world. I had a life where one failure meant I was becoming my mom.
After using my apron to wipe his bloody hands, I inched back until I let him go. “I need to get back inside.”
“Can I drive you home?”
His gaze reeked of need and his breathing was rough. He was a man barely holding onto his control, but I couldn’t give him what he wanted. I couldn’t even give myself what I needed.
“No thank you.”
Cooper’s shoulders sagged and he finally understood. He walked past me, yet stopped at the curb and sighed. “You’re still my girl.”
“Okay.”
Without looking back, Cooper climbed on his Harley and left. I didn’t know how to fix everything I had ruined. It wasn’t as simple as going to a guy, paying his bills, playing buddy, and making things right. I needed to bring my sister to Ellsberg, but had no idea where she was. I needed to be a teacher, but couldn’t even pass my first tests. I needed Cooper, but had brought out the worst in him. Everything I needed was out of reach, so I returned to wiping clean tables and filling already full ketchup bottles.
Chapter Twenty One
Thursday sucked from the moment I woke up to the sounds of my mom’s horny cries to the walk to bus stop in the rain. I tried to pay attention in class, but my mind was everywhere else. At lunch, Skye talked non-stop about her vagina. It started with her concerns about natural childbirth and just dragged to her wondering if she smelled weird. I was relieved she didn’t ask me to take a whiff and give her my opinion.
Walking into Spanish class, I saw Cooper, but avoided his gaze. I was tired and he looked so handsome in all black. I remembered how we planned to see a movie that weekend and go swimming if the weather was decent. Instead, I planned to study and try to catch up when I was completely lost. Scheduled to work with a tutor on Monday, I wanted to cram ahead of time so I wouldn’t look stupid. It reminded me of how people cleaned their houses before the maid arrived.
As I left class, Cooper blocked my exit and I finally looked up at his beautiful face. I knew that face, every curve, every feature. I missed that face, but was too tired to argue again.
“I’m going to help you study and get your grades up.”
“Coop, please…”
“Please, help you? Yes, I will.”
Tears pricked at my eyes and I glanced around. “I’m really failing.”
“And I’m going to help you.”
“So we can date again?”
Cooper’s expression darkened. “What we did wasn’t dating. What we did was fall in love and I want you back. If you can’t be with me until your grades are solid, we’re making them solid.”
“I can’t be with you.”
“Farah,” he whispered in a harsh tone that startled me. “You’re not listening. I can see you’re tired and stressed, but listen. You’re failing this class, but I’m not. You need my help. I want to help you because I love you and want you back, but those aren’t the only reasons. I also know you deserve to do well. You worked too hard to get to this fucking school just to get distracted.”
Cooper was right about a million things. Mostly that I was tired and stressed. I never slept well when away from him. I didn’t eat well either. Cooper had provided too many missing needs from a lifetime without. Now, I’d lost him because I failed.
“What grade did you get on the Spanish test?” I asked as he took my books into his arms.
“An A.”
Staring at him, I couldn’t believe he did so well when I did shit. He must have seen the horror in my eyes. Not only the shock, but the disgust in myself for doing so poorly when my excuse for failing had done well.
“I’m older,” he said, nudging me out the door and towards the quad. “I’m used to college. And in case you forgot, I don’t have a job to go to after school. Every night, when I sit there with you serving me dinner, I’m studying. Now, I’m going to get you caught up.”
Cooper stopped at a picnic table and set down the books. “We’ll study outside where it’s nice. Later, I’ll get Tuck to bring us food. We’ll get all of your work done so you can start your shift feeling good.”
“Thank you,” I mumbled, taking his hand while fighting the urge to sob in front of everyone. “I’m really behind. Like I didn’t know what we were doing today in class. I used to be good at keeping up, but I’m lost.”
“So we’ll start from the beginning of the semester and get you caught up.”
Sighing, I wiped my wet eyes and stared at the laughing students nearby. When Cooper leaned in, I realized how much I missed the feel of his breath on my skin.
“It took me a month to push you off course and it’ll take more than a day to get you caught up. Soon, you’ll be where you need to be and you’ll forgive me and we’ll be together.” His voice sounded so desperate and his gaze looked so dejected then he faked a smile. “I’m going to make sure once we’re back together that you have time to study. I want you to be a teacher like you dreamed.”
“It’s not your fault. You know that, right?” I said, feeling like I might drop from exhaustion. “I made bad choices.”
“I’m not a bad choice,” he muttered. “But I didn’t make sure you were okay. I just wanted you to have fun, but I left you no time for school.”
“It’s really not your fault.”
“It’s not your fault either.”
“How can it not be my fault?” I asked, frowning at him.
“It just can’t. I say it’s not, so it’s not. You’re too serious and you dump too much blame on yourself. You didn’t protect your sister. You don’t work hard enough. You didn’t do this or that. You aren’t perfect, but you’re perfect for me. I’m going to be perfect for you too and I’ll do that by being the best fucking tutor the world’s ever seen.”
Laughing, I looked at the books. “I can say and write hello and goodbye. That’s it.”
Cooper gave me a weird look for the slightest second and I knew he was shocked by how little I had picked up over the last month.
“I understood everything in class,” I explained. “Then later, it got all jumbled in my head.”
Giving me a nod, Cooper sat down. I joined him on the bench, careful to avoid touching, yet wanting to be in his arms so badly. Cooper missed me too. It was written all over his face.
“We’ll start at the beginning and get you caught up. It’ll be fine.”
This time when I nodded, I actually felt like I would improve my grades. Cooper kept his word about staying focused and, hell, if he wasn’t a great tutor. He spoke softly, taking his time to go over his notes from the first week. By the time Tucker and Maddy arrived with burgers, I felt like I was getting some of the early stuff. The four of us ate dinner before Cooper worked with me for another half hour. Finally, he drove me home where he waited as I dressed for work.
“I’m going to drive you each night like before,” he said as if it wasn’t up for discussion even though his gaze was worried.
“I’d like that.”
Cooper gave me a small smile then we walked out to his bike. During my break, I sat with him and he quizzed me on what we had worked on earlier.
This was our new relationship.
During the weekend, we studied at my apartment while Amy went with Tex to a casino. We talked and ate, but no fooling around. Cooper did more than help me with Sp
anish. He basically re-taught me everything I hadn’t picked up the first time. By the end of the weekend, I thought he was the one who would be an amazing teacher.
Once the school week started, Cooper picked me up every morning. We hung out in Spanish class and studied afterwards. We ate dinner while studying then he drove me to work. Also on Monday, a still bruised Nick returned to school and acted like nothing ever happened. He was friendly, but not too friendly. While Cooper faked like he and Nick were buddies, I knew he would find it easier to pretend if we were back together. Feeling insecure, Cooper still stood a little too close to me whenever Nick was in the vicinity.
By Wednesday, I was feeling pretty confident. As we sat on the quad studying like usual, my arm touched Cooper’s and his gaze met mine. His eyes pleaded with me for a crumb of hope.
“I have a quiz in most of my classes on Friday. I think they want to see who used last week’s wakeup call to study.”
His arm still against mine, Cooper only nodded.
“I was thinking we could see a movie on Saturday. I could pay and everything.” When Cooper reached for my face, I let him caress my cheek as I continued, “I was thinking I could spend the weekend with you too.”
“But only if you do well on the quizzes, right?”
“No,” I said, holding his gaze. “If I do badly on them, it’s just me fucking up by not being smart enough. It’s not like I haven’t studied or you haven’t helped me. Whatever happens, I still want to spend the weekend with you.”
When Cooper kissed my forehead, I scooted a little closer so my hip pressed against his.
“I need you, baby,” he whispered. “I need you to let me back in.”
“Waiting isn’t about punishing you. It’s about punishing me.”
“You have to fucking stop that,” he said, frowning at me. “Hasn’t life punished you enough with your shit parents and growing up like you did? Why do you have to keep hurting yourself? If anyone should be on your side, it should be you.”
“I guess, but I’m afraid to slack off. After all, look at what happened.”
“You didn’t slack off. You studied, but you needed more help than you thought. It’s your first fucking month at school. You think I aced everything on my first tests?”
“Yes.”
Smiling slightly, Cooper rolled his eyes. “Yes, but I’m perfect.”
I rubbed my cheek against his shoulder. “Soon, Coop. You just have to wait a little longer. I promise.”
Cooper didn’t perk up completely, but his mood did improve. Mine did too. No matter what happened on the quizzes, I knew I worked hard. While I might still be struggling, I wasn’t slacking off. This counted for something. Besides, failed quizzes or not, I was spending the weekend with Cooper.
On Thursday, I called Tawny who answered in a whisper.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
Tawny said nothing and I asked again.
“I’m scared,” she whimpered. “There are these weirdoes at the motel and one of them saw me at the window. I thought Dad might be back, but he wasn’t and the weirdo winked at me. Now, I have the dresser against the door and I’m afraid to leave.”
“Tawny,” I babbled, freaking out at how she was too far away and I didn’t know how to help her. “I have to get you here.”
“I can’t live with Mom. I can’t pretend.”
“Fuck her. She’s just like you said. I was lying to myself remembering those few good times. I wanted her to be a real mom, but she doesn’t care. She has some stupid smelly boyfriend and she’s drinking again. Fuck her and this apartment. I’m using my nest egg to bring you here and get us a new place.”
“What about college?”
“I’ll still have enough to get through the year and next year probably,” I said, thinking of how I might fail and have to redo classes. “I’ll work extra shifts during holidays and the summer. I just want you out of that place.”
“I don’t know where exactly I am though or how to get to a bus station. I’m stuck here and there’s like one convenience store then nothing. The only chance I have to get away is hitchhiking. What if someone bad picks me up?” she whispered, her voice breaking.
Tawny sounded like a little girl and I wanted to climb through the phone and hug her. I wanted to fix everything, but I had made a mess of my life and wasn’t sure how to find Tawny.
“You’re in Texas?” I asked, calming myself.
“Yes. I asked the lady at the convenience store what part of Texas and she acted like I was stupid. She said the southern part then said I had to leave if I wasn’t going to buy anything. I looked in the motel room and there’s no telephone book. I haven’t seen a manager or maid to ask. The only people I see are the weirdoes staying in the next room.”
“What’s the name of the convenience store? Oh, and the motel. I’m going to see if Cooper can find you.”
“I thought you broke up.”
“We did,” I said, losing a little of my confidence, “but if he can bring you here, I’ll spend the rest of my life paying him back.”
Tawny said nothing, but I heard her moving around.
“What’s wrong?”
“I hear voices. Sometimes, those guys come around the door and look in the window. I’m hiding in the bathroom. I don’t want them to come in here. Dad says they won’t. He says they’re just fooling around when they knock.”
“Dad’s an idiot. You need to find a weapon and keep it with you. I’m asking Cooper for help. He’s smart and he knows people and he’ll find and save you.” Again, Tawny said nothing so I did. “When was the last time Dad was around?”
“Yesterday. He didn’t get the money he needed and he can’t pay for the room much longer,” Tawny said then I heard her crying. “He said I’m lazy and I need to get a job. I told him I asked at the convenience store, but they’re not hiring. He said I need to walk my fat ass to town then he threw a beer bottle at me. He’s freaking out, Farah. He’s mad that you left and we don’t have money and he says I eat too much. I’m only eating once a day and it’s junk food. I haven’t eaten anything warm in two weeks, but he’s still mad. Now, he’s gone and I don’t know if he’ll come back?”
Crying now, I imagined my father the way he really was and not how I pretended. While he was nicer and more reliable than my mom, he was still a raging asshole. Mom might have left us with those bastards that day, but Dad was the one who put a target on our family. He was the one who brought trouble to our door. My parents could both fucking die for all I cared. I just wanted Tawny safe.
After reassuring Tawny, I called Cooper. God bless him for understanding anything I said over my sobbing. He listened then said he’d handle it. No ifs, no maybes. He was handling the problem and I instantly felt like it would be okay. Cooper Johansson was on the job and the damsel trapped in a shithole in Texas would be saved.
Before I hung up with him to call Tawny back, I told Cooper I loved him. Unlike his reaction to my panicked plea, he sounded so fragile when saying he loved me too. I knew he needed as much reassurance as Tawny so I ended the call with, “this weekend,” and he exhaled like it was all he had to hear.
Friday flew by, but I felt Cooper’s absence. I had plans to call Cooper after a trip to the grocery store. When the phone rang, I hoped it might be him. Once I hung up the phone, I stared at the wall and tried to process what the woman from the bank told me. While I wished it to be a bad dream, my nightmares weren’t like this.
My nest egg was gone. When I bought a book for class earlier, I used my card. The payment went through, pushing me five dollars over what was left in the account. Somehow, in the last few weeks, the money I saved for three years dropped from nearly eight thousand to a measly thirty dollars. I’d used up the rest and the only reason the charge cleared was because the overture was transferred to my credit card. A card I never intended to use unless for an emergency. I would never need the card, I told myself when signing for it. I would never be stupid enough to waste all
of my money. Maybe I wouldn’t, but I knew who would.
If my mother had come home later, things might have turned out differently. Had she gone out to dinner with Tex instead of arriving home at that moment, I might have never confronted her. I wasn’t sure if fate was on my side or out to get me, but a few minutes after I hung up, the door opened and my laughing mother entered.
Amy saw me and showed not a hint of concern for what she did to me or what I might do when I learned she stole my money. In fact, she ignored me like usual and walked to the kitchen.
“I’m moving out,” I said quietly, instead of screaming like I wanted. “I won’t have the rent.”
My mother reacted like I expected. “That’s not acceptable. I can’t pay for this fucking place by myself.”
“Didn’t you save any of the money you stole from my account?”
“Wait now,” Tex said, standing between us. “Stole is such a legal word. Borrowed is more like it. No one stole nothing.”
“Like the bitch plans to pay me back. Like she could with her shitty job.”
“Fuck you!” Mom screamed, storming from the kitchen. “Ungrateful little cunt!”
“Ungrateful? You fucked over me and Tawny years ago and you’re doing it again. You stole my money!”
“Let’s just calm down,” Tex said, blocking Amy who looked ready to tear me apart. I truly hoped she made a move so I could claim self-defense. Meanwhile, Tex tried to play the voice of reason. “See, your mom had some bills to pay and she planned to give back the money.”
“Bullshit! You used it to go to the fucking casino! You wasted all my school money so you could party, you fucking losers!”
“I wasn’t giving it back,” Mom sneered. “You think you’re special because you attend some shit school? Or because you got some rich guy interested in you? He’s probably just impressed by all the skills you learned from those bikers.”
Five years of rage erupted as I ran at her, but Amy ducked and Tex shoved me to the ground.
