Within My Heart

by Tamera Alexander

  Ben complied, grimacing. “Feels like someone slugged me right square in the chest.”

  Reading skepticism in the older man’s gaze, Rand nodded. “Guilty as charged, sir. Once you’re feeling better, I’ll meet you out on the boardwalk and you can take your best shot at me.” A glint of humor lit Ben’s expression again, and Rand did his best to keep his own smile from showing. “I’ll give you a chance to make things even between us.”

  Ben cocked his head to one side, as though seriously considering the offer. “You got it, Doc. Soon as I’m up and able, I’m callin’ you out.”

  Appreciating the dry humor and impressed that Ben could manage it in the face of such a serious—and what had to be alarming— discovery for him, Rand leaned closer to listen. Ben’s pulse was notably stronger than before, which wasn’t saying a great deal compared to a healthy heart. But it was the whooshing echo enveloping the beat that underscored his greatest concern. “Have you experienced any pains or tightness in your chest recently, sir? Any difficulty breathing?”

  Ben hesitated, frowning again, and shot a quick look at Lyda, which told Rand plenty.

  Lyda’s concern gave way to surprise—and frustration. “Ben Everett Mullins, why didn’t you say something?”

  Ben took hold of her hand. “I didn’t want you worrying. Not with everything that’s going on with the store. Besides . . .” He stopped and took a breath. “It’s only happened a handful of times, and it wasn’t too bad. Once I catch my breath, it goes away. For the most part.”

  “For the most part,” Lyda repeated, her tone indignant but concerned.

  Rand’s own concern edged up a notch. “How long have you been experiencing the chest pains? And do you recall what you’ve been doing when they occur . . . ? What brings them on?”

  Ben gave a shrug. “They’ve been coming more often in the past couple of months, maybe a little longer. And it usually happens when I’m unloading a wagon or toting a crate. But it doesn’t happen every time.”

  “So when you’re exerting effort?” Rand offered. He glanced around the storeroom. “And what were you doing today?”

  Ben glanced at Lyda again, but this time his eyes took on a mischievous sparkle. Lyda looked away, an embarrassed grin lifting the corners of her mouth.

  “You might say I was exerting effort, Dr. Brookston.”

  “Ben!” Lyda gave him a scolding glance and her face flushed crimson.

  Ben only chuckled and nudged Rand in the arm. “I was kissin’ on my wife, Doc. Just making sure she knows how much I still—”

  “I think the doctor understands,” Lyda said, her gaze averted.

  Rand couldn’t help but smile, and noticed a ghost of the same in Rachel’s flushed expression. “I see. Yes, I believe that would classify as exerting effort.”

  Ben brought Lyda’s hand to his lips. “But I daresay, when it is my time to go, I can’t think of a better . . .” He raised his brows, his gaze only for his wife this time. And as if knowing—for the good of his tenuous health—he ought not finish that statement, he winked and closed his mouth.

  Touched by the exchange, Rand had a thought. While he knew every biological detail about the physical intimacy God had designed to be shared between a man and a woman, he was the only one among the four present who hadn’t personally experienced the pleasure of that relationship. Uninvited, Patricia’s earlier question at the brothel returned—“Don’t you ever long for the pleasure of a woman?”—and despite his effort to block it, Rand felt an unaccustomed blush work its way up his neck and into his face.

  He stole a glance at Rachel Boyd. At her dark hair piled atop her head except for a few long curls escaping down her back, at the way the blue cotton dress she wore hugged her figure, which he’d admired more times than was proper—in church, no less— and that he recalled with greater detail than a single man ought to. Her physical beauty contributed to his attraction to her, most certainly, but her intelligence, her knowledge of medicine, her ability to converse with him on topics that other women found unsuitable or unpalatable, those were attributes that drew him. Even though she’d never done anything to encourage his attraction.

  He sighed inwardly. Her complete lack of coaxing had been deafening. Still, his gaze took her in, and his mouth went dry at the bold thoughts filling his head—then turned completely to cotton when he realized Rachel was watching him.

  5

  At the slow arch of Rachel Boyd’s dark brow, Rand dropped his gaze, hoping she hadn’t read his thoughts as easily as he read her disapproval of his too-close attention. He returned his focus to his patient, chiding himself for behaving like an overeager schoolboy. He could still feel her discerning blue eyes boring into him, and the already-tight quarters of the storeroom shrank by half.

  Whatever this lady had against him was “dug in deep and hard, and showed no signs of budging,” as an old friend used to say. Remembering that friend now made Rand feel ages beyond his thirty-four years. Like he’d already lived a hundred lifetimes in the space of one.

  Clearing his throat, he gathered his frayed thoughts and vowed to clear his mind, once and for all, of any interest pertaining to Mrs. Rachel Boyd.

  “Mr. Mullins, if you’ll allow me to examine you once more . . .”

  Ben lifted a hand. “Only if you’ll start calling me Ben. Seems you’ve earned that familiarity, Doc, at the very least.”

  In medical school, Rand had been taught to keep a certain distance and formality between himself and his patients. But as with much of what he’d learned in those early days, he’d discovered not all of it worked in every circumstance, and certainly not out west. “Thank you . . . Ben.” Positioning the stethoscope, he closed his eyes.

  The sporadic rhythm of Ben’s heart had gradually subsided, and a steadier pattern had taken its place. “Good,” Rand whispered, knowing Ben’s health would still be classified as tenuous, which portended more serious consequences than he thought either Ben or Lyda realized.

  The urgency of the moment had passed, but the dire circumstances hadn’t.

  He slipped the stethoscope back into his bag. “The digitalis seems to be having the desired effect. Your heart rate has stabilized. I’d like to wait a little longer, though, to be sure, before moving you. I’ll enlist some help, and we’ll get you home so you can rest more comfortably.”

  Rachel smiled and whispered something in Lyda’s ear, too low for him to hear, and Lyda gave Ben’s hand a pat. “We’ll be right outside, honey,” she whispered, and rose to follow Rachel into the hallway.

  Prone on the floor, Ben slowly drew up his legs. “Getting off this hard floor and getting home to bed sounds mighty good, Doc. But I think you and I can manage it alone. Lyda can help us, if we need it.”

  Having no intention of letting Ben Mullins walk out on his own accord, Rand sat and leaned up against the wall beside him, unwilling to argue the point and confident in his ability to control the outcome.

  Ben cradled an arm beneath his head. “I take it by your silence you don’t agree with my suggestion.”

  Rand stretched out his legs, appreciating the chance to do so. “I make it a strict rule, Ben, not to argue with patients who have heart conditions.”

  Ben chuckled, then coughed and struggled to catch his breath.

  “Deep breaths. Slow and steady,” Rand urged softly, watching for signs of a recurring episode.

  Exhaling, Ben held his chest and made a face. “I’m about as tired . . . and sore”—he managed a chastising look that Rand knew better than to take personally—“as I can ever remember. But a good night’s rest should remedy that, I think.”

  A good night’s rest? Rand glanced at Lyda and Rachel still huddled together in the hall, their voices hushed, and decided to take advantage of the private moment with his patient.

  “Ben,” he said softly, “your heart stopped beating a moment ago. Getting a good amount of rest will aid in regaining your strength . . . but rest isn’t going to remedy this. I’d be do
ing you a great disservice if I allowed you to believe that the condition of your health is anything other than grave.”

  Ben’s expression grew reflective, and his smile came easily, too easily, and seemed out of place considering the news he’d just been given. Ben opened his mouth as though to say something, then glanced toward the door, where Lyda stood watching them from the threshold.

  “Rachel’s gone to check on her boys,” she said, gesturing. “They’ve been waiting up front for her all this time, the sweet things.” Her look turned tentative. “How are you feeling, honey?”

  Ben raised his head a little more. “Good. A mite tired, but a lot better compared to a few minutes ago.”

  She gave a soft laugh, love for him shining in her eyes. “I’m so glad. And grateful.” She directed the latter to Rand. “How does a glass of tea sound to you both? Dr. Brookston, if I remember from Christmas dinner, you’re partial to my sweet tea.”

  “That I am, ma’am. I’d appreciate a glass. Thank you.”

  Lyda’s steps faded down the hall and Ben heaved a sigh, lowering his head back to the floor. Beads of sweat trickled down the side of his temple.

  “You’re feeling good?” Rand asked, eyeing him and knowing better.

  Ben’s eyes closed. His expression turned sheepish. “All my life, Doc,” he whispered, “I’ve had what you might call a . . . peculiar rhythm to my heart. Same as my father, and his father before him.” He shrugged. “A little twinge here and there. A pain every now and then. The episodes—that’s what the doctor back east labeled them when I was younger . . .” He glanced back at the door. “I’ve had them all my life. Lyda knows I used to be troubled by them, but I haven’t wanted to bother her with it for a while now.”

  Already guessing the answer, Rand asked the obvious question. “Exactly how long is a while?”

  Ben’s eyes narrowed. “The last eight years or so.” He rubbed his forehead, then his eyes.

  “Does your head ache?”

  “No, it’s fine.”

  Somehow Rand knew he wasn’t being completely truthful. “I’ve got willow bark at the clinic. I’ll bring some by as soon as we get you situated at home.”

  Staring up at the ceiling, Ben sighed. “I’d be much obliged, Doc.”

  The moment stretched long, its silence hindered only by a clock’s steady ticktock drifting toward them from somewhere down the corridor. Rand wasn’t bothered by the silence. Quite the contrary. He had matters he wanted to discuss, and early on in life he’d learned that remaining quiet often lent the greater advantage. None too surprisingly, he learned so much more that way.

  “My wife,” Ben finally said, his voice tender, “she worries about things enough as it is. Especially after what happened to our children.”

  Ben looked over at him, and though he hadn’t asked a question, Rand sensed one. He recalled what Esther Calhoun had once told him when he’d stopped by to check on her as she was suffering from a bout of bursitis. Mrs. Calhoun, a widow for eighteen years as she reminded him every time he visited, had a kind nature and knew everything about everybody who attended church in Timber Ridge. She’d shared the heartbreaking story of the Mullinses’ children, which happened long before he’d come west.

  Rand met Ben’s steady gaze and nodded, wishing now that he’d said something to Ben and his wife about their children before today. But the moment had never felt right, and everyone knew it wasn’t proper to speak of the dead to loved ones left behind, unless invited. Still, that excuse felt flimsy when faced with the gut-wrenching truth in Ben’s eyes.

  “I’m so sorry for your loss, Ben,” he whispered. “It must have been horrible for you and Lyda.”

  “I appreciate that, Doc.” Ben’s voice hovered somewhere above a whisper. “Lyda and me . . . we both still carry a burden inside us over it. Always will, I guess. Some hurts don’t heal, even given time. But hers . . .” His jaw muscles corded tight. “Hers is different. It’s harder to bear in a way, I think. Which is saying an awful lot, because at first, right after it happened . . . there were days I thought I’d die from the weight of it all. Days when I wanted to.”

  Ben winced, but Rand sensed the ache he felt wasn’t from his heart. Not from his physical heart, anyway.

  Rand worked to loosen the tangle of emotion lodged in his throat.

  “What I’m trying to say, Doc, is that I’d be obliged if you’d keep the worst of what’s going on with me between the two of us. Just for a while. I’ll tell my wife, soon, when the time is right.” Ben sniffed at unshed tears. “What happened today is due to my own foolishness. I’ve been overdoing things here at the store. I knew better and I did it anyway. I’m not a young man anymore.” He shook his head. “Haven’t been for some time. But I know now what all this work is costing me, and I won’t push myself like that again.”

  Rand didn’t doubt the sincerity of Ben’s request, but what the man was asking went against everything within him. “It’s long been my belief, Ben, that when a husband or wife has an illness, especially something as serious as a heart condition, it’s best for them to share the prognosis with their spouse. So they can have support, a helpmeet.” He measured his next words. “And also . . . so their spouse will be able to prepare for the future.”

  Ben didn’t flinch. Not even a little.

  The clock down the hall ticked off the seconds.

  “You ever been married, Doc?”

  Ben’s voice was gentle, but Rand felt the subtle jab. “No . . . I haven’t.”

  “You ever loved a woman so much that you’d gladly give every last ounce of your strength to make sure she’s cared for? To make sure she knows without a doubt that her life has made a difference, even if it didn’t turn out like she thought it would?”

  Feeling less like the physician and more the patient, Rand shook his head. “No, Ben,” he whispered. “I haven’t.”

  “You ever held a woman in your arms through the night and knew—” Ben’s voice gave way. He took an unsteady breath, his lower lip trembling. “And knew you were holdin’ everything you ever wanted? Or ever would want?”

  Rand didn’t respond this time. He knew Ben already knew the answer.

  “I just need some time, Doc. That’s all I’m asking for. I’ve known this day was coming. Granted, I didn’t expect it to come so soon. . . .” He arched his back, no doubt weary of the hard wood floor.

  “I’ll get someone in here to help us move you.” Rand started to rise, but Ben caught his arm.

  “I never knew my grandfather, Doc, but I heard the stories. And I watched my father die the same way. A little bit at a time and leaving my mother with too many mouths to feed.”

  The responsibility pressing on Rand earlier as the sole physician of Timber Ridge took on a viselike grip. He should have insisted Ben come to him sooner. “If I’d known about your condition, Ben, I would’ve done everything I could to keep this from happening.”

  Ben’s sigh came out in a chuckle. “That’s just it, Doc. I’m sure you’re a fine physician. One of the best, from what I hear.” He nodded toward the hallway. “And that’s from Rachel Boyd’s own lips, which is praise that doesn’t come lightly, in case you haven’t figured that out already. But unless you can find a way to put a new heart in this old body of mine, then, as I see it . . . there’s not much else to be done.”

  For the first time the thinnest sheen of fear clouded Ben’s eyes, though his steady tone belied it. Yet on closer observation, Rand wondered if he was mistaken. Perhaps it wasn’t fear. Perhaps Ben was simply coming face-to-face with his own mortality, something every man or woman did eventually. Rand remembered that sobering moment in his own life, and a reverent shudder stole through him.

  He wanted to argue with Ben, try and change his mind. But he’d been caring for people long enough to recognize a mind set on something, and Ben’s mind was set firm.

  “You’ve got fluid pooling around your lungs, which is complicating your condition. There’s a procedure I can perf
orm, a surgery, to remove some of that fluid,” Rand whispered, deciding now wasn’t the time to mention that he’d never performed that particular surgery by himself. “It will buy you more time. And as your condition worsens, as it will,” he added gently, “I can keep you comfortable. With proper care, that could mean several weeks. Maybe even months. There’s no way to know for sure.”

  “Or it could mean days,” Ben said, looking up at him. “Remember, Doc, I’ve seen this play out before.”

  Wishing now that he’d studied more about the heart instead of focusing on obstetrics, Rand gave a single nod. “The digitalis will help, but without removing the fluid”—if his prognosis was correct—“the chance for a longer term holds far less hope.”

  “When would you do it? The surgery, I mean.”

  “I’d want you to rest up, get some of your strength back. But we’d do it as soon as possible.”

  Ben’s expression went solemn.

  Feeling helpless and loathing that feeling, Rand studied the plank floor, combing through years of experience and training in search of other possible remedies, only to have medical science dismiss each as futile.

  “Take it easy there, Doc. . . .” Ben reached over and briefly placed a hand on Rand’s arm. “I can feel your mind working all the way over here, and it’s tuckering me out.”

  Despite feelings of frustration and inadequacy, Rand smiled. He searched for a response and came up short.

  “Buy me however much longer you can, Doc. That’s all I’m asking. And don’t tell me to go lie down in a bed and wait to die. I won’t do it. Not when I stand to lose everything I’ve worked for all these years. All I’ve got is tied up in this store. My goal is to make sure my wife is well taken care of when I’m gone, and I aim to see that goal met.”

  The clamor of footsteps sounded from down the hallway, and Ben cleared his throat. His demeanor noticeably brightened.