Layla cried and nodded. “Yes…and I’m sorry too.”
Kacie got up from the table. “Come on, group hug.”
27
Saying sorry doesn’t mean there isn’t guilt, and forgiving doesn’t mean the pain is gone.
Several weeks passed before Envy made up her mind to go and see Tyreek at Precious Cargo. Her plan was to make amends. At her first approach, Tyreek was apprehensive, but Layla had already told him about the make-up session she and Envy had at Kacie’s.
Tyreek took a break so he could listen to what she had to say. Her voice sounded sincere and she held back tears that wanted to burst forth, but Envy was one who refused to be completely vulnerable.
“I was jealous. That’s all it boils down to.”
“I don’t understand. You never wanted me. I had a thing for you, a serious thing for you at one time but I had to come to my senses because deep down I knew you didn’t feel the same. I dealt with it because I wasn’t serious about any other female myself.” A broad smile filled Tyreek’s face. Envy had to admit that Tyreek was a nice man. Maybe, just maybe, he and Layla would be good for one another.
“You’re right. But not loving you made it easier for me to be with you intimately, if that makes sense. I didn’t have to be concerned with falling in love. It was a way for me to hide the pain that I was suffering on the inside. I thought by sleeping with men, and using them instead of them using me, that I was proving something. Turns out, all I proved was that I was promiscuous and setting myself to become a lonely, old, bitter woman one day. But I didn’t come here to talk about me. I came to ask you to forgive me for hurting you, and for trying to ruin the relationship you obviously want to build with Layla. Both of you are good people. I wish you the best, Tyreek. Maybe we can be friends – without benefits.”
Envy and Tyreek chuckled.
“Maybe. To hear you say you’re sorry makes me feel that I can let go of the part I played in our relationship too. It’s not like you forced me to do what I did; I wanted it too. But now, I know I want to move on to something more in my life.”
I’m looking to start up another business. I’ve been managing this place long enough. I’m still going to maintain my partnership, but it’s time to move on to something bigger and better.”
Envy looked surprised. “I never knew you had a hand in Precious Cargo. Wow, good for you.”
“I want to open another spot, more family style,” said Tyreek. “I have a few leads on some places that some top realtors who come in here passed on to me. I’m going to follow up on them.”
“You’ll do it. Maybe I’ll see you at church with your lady sometimes.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Tyreek said, and stood up to hug her.
She returned his embrace before she turned around, and walked out of Precious Cargo, without looking back.
~
Layla knocked on the door of Dennis’s house. He opened the door and stood quietly, looking at her.
“May I come in?”
Dennis answered by stepping aside. He remained just on the other side of the door, and he didn’t extend an invitation to go farther.
“To what do I owe this visit?”
“I need to talk to you.”
“What do you want? If you’re coming to gloat, or play the pitiful role, you can turn around and leave.” He walked away from the door. Layla stepped inside but remained next to the entrance.
“Dennis, you were always good to me. I know you probably won’t believe me when I tell you that I did love you. I still do.”
“I know the old cliché, but you’re not in love with me. Save it, Layla. Don’t come over here trying to make yourself feel better.”
Layla remained at the door. “It’s not that way. I really was in love with you—for a time. And I still love you now. I’ll always love you. People come and go in our lives for various reasons. “
“Don’t give me that hogwash. I don’t want to hear it.”
“Please, don’t turn me away. I need to say this.”
Dennis stared. “Go on say what you have to say. The sooner you do, the sooner you can leave.”
“Okay, I can’t fault you for being angry.”
“I’m not angry.” His voice was cold. “I’m busy.”
Layla took a deep breath. “Dennis, you came in my life when I was a victim, a victim at the hands of another person, but also a victim of myself. You helped me when I was still recovering physically and emotionally. You loved me when I was fat, and when I hated myself. You’re the one God used to reveal to me that whether I was fat or not, I was not the ugly person who kept staring back at me in the mirror. You’re the one who helped me begin to see that no matter what size I was, I was still beautiful.”
Dennis sighed and turned his head away.
“Please don’t turn away from me. All I’m here to ask is for your forgiveness. I’m sorry, so sorry that you had to be hurt in the process of me becoming new. Sure, I was caught up in doing all the things I thought normal-size women did. I could go into a department store and pick out dresses from the regular sizes instead of the plus sizes. For the first time, after losing all of the weight, I could wear boots and even walk in a pair of stilettos. Shucks, I could stand before the mirror and see a body that I used to pray that I could have. I had no idea it was going to happen during an attempted murder on my life. But it did, and I accepted it. Weight fell off me so fast that it made my head spin. And you, you were there to see the transformation.”
“Yes, a transformation that changed you for the worse. You became conceited and self-centered.” He shook his head regretfully. “To be honest, I liked the woman you were before you dropped all of the weight.”
“I’m sure you did, and some of that woman is still inside me.” Her cheeks burned in remembrance. “But when I lost weight, I turned away from God and stopped doing all the things I used to do for Him when I was big. I felt like I’d put in more than my share of serving Him during my fat days, and so it was time for me to do me.” She pinched her lower lip with her teeth, and a look of dismay washed over her face. “I didn’t have to sing in the choir anymore. I was part of it because it was the only thing I had to do. Don’t you think I got tired of hearing ‘fat people can sing’? Well, I can sing, and I’m not fat anymore. And I still love God, but I wanted to take a break from Him. So I flirted with men, something I never saw myself ever being able to do. I spent frivolously on clothes and shoes and purses.” Layla cautiously took a step further inside.
Dennis walked to the door and closed it.
Layla’s voice broke miserably. “I wanted to be free and beautiful like Envy and other pretty girls, and finally that day had arrived. But along the way, I hurt you; because in the end, I met someone whom I never expected to fall in love with.”
“I’m glad for you, Layla. I won’t deny that I’m hurt. My heart is heavy. I honestly believed that one day we would become husband and wife. I always knew you were a good woman. And I accept your apology.” He sighed heavily, his voice filled with anguish. “I can’t see you, or be friends with you, though. I need some time for me, time to heal. Because I do love you, I want the best for you. I want you to be happy, and most of all, I want you to have someone who loves you just as much as you love them.” His expression was grim. “Even if I’m not that man,” he said.
“I respect what you’re saying, Dennis. I’ll stay out of your way.” She gulped hard, but the tears still found their way down her cheeks. “Just like you want the best for me, I want the best for you. I want you to have someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved, and I’m going to be praying about that.”
They stood at the door in silence. Layla saw Dennis’s eyes become watery.
“I’d better go,” she said.
“Yeah, I think that would be best.”
Layla turned toward the door.
Dennis stepped in front of her and opened it. “Take care of yourself. Be happy.”
“Thanks, Denn
is. You don’t know how much that means to me.”
Layla left and drove to her parents. She went to talk to her mother about some of the things she had already shared with her about her breakup with Dennis and about her relationship with Tyreek. She sat in the den with her mother. Her father was still at work.
“Honey, I can’t live your life for you,” her mother said. “I can only pray for you and your brothers. Dennis is a good man, but I don’t need to keep telling you that. I’m sure you’ve heard it over and over again. Now, this other man, you say he’s a fine man; so again, I trust that you know what you’re talking about. I’m glad to hear that you and Envy worked things out. Just like God forgives us, we must extend forgiveness toward one another. And y’all have been friends too long to let some mess come between you.”
“You’re right, Mother. You know something?”
“What?”
“I’m grateful to have godly parents. I’m just so grateful.”
“Show God how grateful you are then.”
“What do you mean, Mother? I’m back at church on a regular basis. I pray. And I know that I’m saved, so what else can I do?”
“Use your God-given gifts. Fulfill the purpose God has assigned to you. Now I have to get up and get your daddy’s dinner ready. You’re welcome to stay if you like.”
“No, I have a couple more errands to run.” Layla kissed her mother. “I’ll let myself out.”
“Okay. Remember what I say to you. Show God how grateful you are.”
Layla walked away a little bit confused. What was her mother talking about? She locked the door behind her and drove off. The radio came on and she found herself singing along with the song, and suddenly she understood. It was time.
28
The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.
Minister Cecil adored Kacie and her kids. The past months had brought an additional source of joy into his life in the form of the Mayweather family. He believed he was blessed because God allowed him to meet such a strong, inspirational, kind and gorgeous woman. He recognized her struggles, and was drawn in by her sense of naivety and how much she desired to grow spiritually. Her smile made him smile, something no woman had been able to do since his divorce. But Kacie was different.
The more they talked, the more he wanted to talk. Talking to one another after Bible Study had grown into talking on the phone about once or twice a week. Initially it was mostly about church events and her children. Kacie didn’t care; she enjoyed talking to a male on the phone. It was refreshing. It felt good to have someone other than Kacie and Envy show genuine interest in her children and their well-being, as well as in hers.
“Have you ever been married?” he asked her one night during one of their phone chats. Phone chats that slowly turned more personal over time.
“No,” she said in a tiny, shameful sounding whisper.
“I see,” he said.
“Let me tell you up front.” She spoke with light bitterness. “I’ve made a mess of my life, but I am not ashamed of my children.”
“And you shouldn’t be. I asked because I’m trying to get to know the remarkable woman responsible for such great kids. Anyway, we all have sinned and fallen short. But like I said, I’m just trying to get to know you, Sister Kacie.”
“Sure,” Kacie replied timidly. It still panged her to have to admit that she had seven children but never a husband. “There’s nothing I’ve done that I haven’t already gone to God and asked for His forgiveness.”
“I like that. If only all of God’s children could see how much He desires for us to pour ourselves out before Him, then we’d all be much better for having done so.”
Kacie didn’t want to exaggerate, but she felt like there was a physical attraction and spiritual connection between them. She enjoyed talking to Minister Cecil. It came out one evening while they were talking on the phone that he was a divorcé with no children.
Minister Cecil had volunteered to pick up her children early for the Children’s Festival because Kacie had to work the morning shift. Even though it was for kids twelve and under, Kenny was excited, mostly because he would be working as one of the youth staff volunteers.
“I’ll be at the church as soon as I get off work,” she told the kids as they ran off and climbed in the church van. “Thank you, Minister Cecil, for doing this. I didn’t want the kids to miss the festival. If it wasn’t for you, they wouldn’t have been able to go.”
“Believe me, it’s no problem. I’m more than glad to do it,” he told Kacie as he stood at her door. He was a man of medium stature, in his late thirties, with refined, yet suave, good looks. His skin was dark as the night and spotless. His bald head added an extra oomph to his handsome profile, and his muscular arms looked perfect for rescuing a damsel in distress.
“I’ll have to do something special for you,” Kacie told him as she locked the door to her house.
“That’s not necessary,” he said. “But if you insist, I won’t be one to turn you down.” His voice was flirtatious.
“Okay, what about letting me prepare dinner for you?” Kacie offered.
“You’d do that for me?” he asked, with teeth that glistened like sparkling pearls.
Kacie was so shaky and nervous, she thought she was about to faint. “Of course.”
“Okay, I can’t wait then,” he said. His smile spoke a thousand words. “I’ll see you this afternoon at the festival.”
“I can’t wait,” she said and smiled.
And so was the start of a slow, tentative relationship between Sister Kacie and Minister Cecil. There was hardly a day that passed when they weren’t on the phone giggling and having a great conversation.
~
One evening, Minister Cecil invited Kacie to dinner. Envy and Layla stayed with the kids.
“This is nice,” Kacie told him as they sat in a booth at Macaroni Grill.
“I think so too,” Minister Cecil replied. “I wonder how your friends are doing with the kids?” he asked as he put a forkful of pasta in his mouth.
Kacie threw her head back slightly and laughed. “You mean, how are the kids doing with them? Neither one of them is used to babysitting, so I’m sure I’m going to get an earful when I get home—from the kids, that is.”
“Well, I bet Kenny is milking it for all it’s worth,” Minister Cecil said. “He’s enjoying the company, I bet.”
“Yeah, and Envy and Layla were ordering pizza, one of his favorite foods.”
“Oh, good,” said Minister Cecil. “Maybe we need to do this more often. You know, so the kids can get a break,” he said, and then laughed, and so did Kacie. “But, seriously, do you mind if I speak from my heart for a minute?”
“Uh, no. Go ahead.” Kacie hesitated. “I think,” she added.
“Look, let me be real. Sister Kacie, it’s no secret that I’m developing feelings for you.”
Kacie detected a faint tremor in his voice, like some emotion had touched him. “Is that so? I, uh.” She shifted her eyes away and looked down at her food. “I feel the same,” she confessed.
“Ah, that’s good to hear. I feel at ease and I want you to know that my feelings aren’t just for you, Kacie. I’m concerned about your kids too. I certainly don’t want to rush you into anything, but by the same token, I want you to be aware of my intentions.”
Kacie gave a short, nervous laugh and then smiled. “Your intentions? What exactly are you saying?” she asked.
“I’m saying that I want to try to build something between us. That is, if you want to.”
Kacie blushed. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Sister Kacie, I have been on three tours to Iraq and back. I’ve been married and divorced. I’ve been alone, not involved with anyone since my divorce four years ago. But it’s all been good because I’ve been able to give my all to God and the ministry He’s called me to. But God also knows that I desire someone in my life. Not just anyone, but someone with w
hom I can hope to build a future. I’ve been praying and asking Him for His guidance, Sister Kacie. And then you come along and it’s like God just, just opened my heart. I don’t know about you, but I take God at His word. And He’s never steered me wrong.”
Kacie remained transfixed. She couldn’t believe the words she was hearing. Was there really someone, other than God, who could love her and see past all of her faults and shortcomings? Maybe he was really the man in her dreams. Could it be him?
“This is, uh, how should I put it? Weird is the only word I can think of right now.”
“Ohhkay. I apologize. I didn’t mean to come off like a…a…uh weirdo.” He looked nervous.
“No,” she put her hands up and shook her head and laughed. “I’m not saying you’re weird. I’m saying the situation is weird, kind of.”
“I’m not trying to pressure you into anything. I’m one of those fellows who wears his heart on his coat sleeve I guess. I believe in telling it like it is. And believe me, I respect you, Sister Kacie. I respect you a lot. I would never intentionally say or do anything to make you feel uncomfortable when you’re around me.”
“It’s not that. But anyway, just let me say that since I met you, you’ve helped me along my journey toward the woman I believe God wants me to be. I have a better outlook on my life. I feel it’s broader and more divinely positive. My knowledge of how special I am in God’s eyes increases every day.” She looked at him and chuckled.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“I was just thinking.”
“Thinking about what?”
“I have seven children – seven is the number of completion. Each one of my children is a blessing in the midst of my mess. God is truly doing a great work in my life.”
“See, that’s what I mean.”
Kacie looked confused. “What are you talking about?”
“Listen to yourself. How can you blame me for wanting to get to know you better? And you give me too much credit, not that I don’t like it.” He giggled. “But it’s God who’s molding you, not me.”
True Beauty Page 23
