Covenant (Sojourner Book 2)

by Maria Rachel Hooley

  One more glance back at me before he finally nods. “Perhaps you’re right. No matter how bad the timing, there’re things which must be taken care of, and I’m the sojourner being called.”

  He starts toward the ambulance before turning back one last time. “Take care with Elizabeth. She walks a thin line between this realm and ours, and she still feels wounds you must not reopen…for both your sakes.”

  Another warning. It would appear Evan is full of them. If only he would just give answers away that easily. I know he wants me to promise him I won’t cause problems for Elizabeth, but I learned a long time ago not to give a vow that I don’t know if I can keep, so I purse my lips and wait for him to tend to the dying.

  His eyes narrow slightly. He’s trying to understand the chaos within me, but there is no understanding it. He has all the answers, and he still doesn’t get it. If he can’t understand that, how does he expect me to be okay with it?

  Then he turns from me and is gone, leaving me to sit beneath a sky that seems to go on forever. It’s only an illusion, but it’s a beautiful illusion sometimes, and the clouds are the perfect hiding place when the Lower Realm seems to spin out of control from all the human messes there are never enough angels to clean up.

  So what was Elizabeth’s mess? I wonder, slowly turning back toward the window. And what was my role in all of it? It only takes a moment of focusing in on her until I know from the outside which room she occupies. If only all the other mysteries were so quickly resolved.

  “Lev? What are you doing here?”

  At first, I think Evan has returned, but in turning, there is another angel standing there. We are of similar build, but the darkness in his hair and eyes do not match mine, and even though he seems to know me, I can’t say the same thing. Is that another of Evan’s ways of taking care of business?

  I should think of something to say, something to conceal the fact that my memory has seen better days, but nothing comes to mind, no matter how badly I want it to. He frowns and does a double-take, surprised.

  “You seem strange. Are you all right?” He tilts his head to the side, trying to figure out what exactly is wrong with me.

  “I’m fine,” I say.

  “But you don’t remember me, do you?” He cocks an eyebrow in a way that strikes me as more of a challenge than a question.

  I shrug. “No, I guess I can’t say that I do.”

  He nods. “Okay. I’m Kane.” He offers his hand to me, and we shake. Yeah, it’s strange custom that usually goes with being human, but we are standing in the Lower Realm, and it’s all part of fitting in, I guess. Never mind that no one can see either of us. It’s just a habit. Then I step back, disconcerted by the fact that the closer I stand to him, the worse the chaos seems to be inside me.

  The chaos seems to eat away at me from the inside and weaken me. It tears at me, and I want to rid my existence of it but I can’t.

  “What are you doing here?”

  I nod my head toward the ER. “Evan is on a sojourn. I came with him.” It’s a safe answer, and safe is exactly what I’m looking for until my memory returns.

  “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten how to do that as well.” He’s not smiling, but it seems like he wants to, and that makes me all the more uncomfortable.

  “No, I do remember that. Why are you here?”

  He sits on the bench and drapes an arm across the back. “I spend a lot of time down here. It would appears I live in a really great neighborhood for sojourning. Never mind it’s really bad for humans.” He shakes his head in disgust. “Then again, what can you do about the choices they make?”

  Again, I feel like there is something hanging in the balance between us. It’s not his words, exactly, but something about the way he stares at me with narrowed, expectant eyes.

  He abruptly sits up, and a frown crosses his features. “Speaking of sojourning, looks like I’m up. Gang shoot-out—you know how well those go. Humans never learn.” He makes a big show of standing.

  He turns. “See you around. Good luck getting your memory back.”

  I wait until he’s gone before I turn my attention back to Elizabeth’s window. Then I close my eyes and mentally travel back to her room to check on her one last time. Part of me wonders if I should have left her alone, but I know whatever haunts her, I’m probably going to make things worse.

  She’s lying on her back, the hand with the newly replaced IV draped across her stomach. The covers are pulled halfway down, and even in the darkness, I can see the REM movement of her eyes beneath the lids. It doesn’t take much for me to know she’s dreaming about me. Whatever I have done to her, I can’t undo it.

  I watch her for a few minutes, comforted that even though she dreams, she isn’t calling out. It’s a small consolation, but I’ll take it. Not that I should care. She is a human, after all. But part of me, a big part, doesn’t really care about that. It agonizes over Elizabeth’s suffering, and I have no doubt that when my memory finally does return, that part which seems so enamored of Elizabeth will definitely be at war with the part of me that has no feelings for humans in the slightest. Not sure what the outcome of that will be. All I can do is hope for the best.

  Satisfied, I open my eyes and turn my gaze heavenward, knowing there isn’t anything else I can accomplish tonight.

  Chapter Five

  For the next week in human time, I wander between the Upper and Lower Realms, trying to find my place. I knew it at one time, but now I am adrift, torn between a past I can’t remember and a future that seems to make no difference.

  It would appear I am unable to complete the tasks of a sojourner, and without that, my identity seems completely undone. The only place I feel any sense of purpose is with Elizabeth, and that isn’t wise, at least according to Evan.

  I stand at the edge of the ocean, looking at the clouds reflected in the smooth surface, mesmerized by the darkness that consumes the sky. Below, the world rotates at its own speed, and while I feel the celestial pull, I fold my arms across my chest as though that will anchor me in the moment so I might forget the gaping holes in my past and accept the future will work itself out. It has to.

  “So how does it feel, Lev?”

  I turn to find a woman standing there, the light flowing through golden hair that hangs past her shoulders and flutters in the soft breeze. Although she has a smile on her face, her eyes are cold, and I can tell that while she may know me, our relationship is far from positive. Not that I can tell what, exactly, that relationship is.

  “Do I know you?” I finally ask, unsure what else I could say.

  She steps nearer, and venture from the water’s edge to meet her. She laughs, but it is hollow with venom. “You really don’t remember, do you?” Shaking her head, she takes my hand. At first, I want to jerk it away, but I can’t seem to move. I think it has something to do with the hard expression on her face.

  “What should I remember?” I ask. “It’s clear you know something I don’t.” I step back, and I pull my hand free.

  “How could you forget me, Lev? You made me who I am.” She keeps staring at me with those hard eyes, waiting for something, though what I’m not sure, and when I can’t stand the weight anymore, I look down.

  “I don’t remember you.” I run my fingers through my hair, trying to focus.

  “Of course you don’t,” she says, a forced pleasantness in her tone. “You see, I was never one of the important things on your list. And you never really cared about much.” Her face is pale, and the breeze casts strands of her hair across her eyes, yet her hands remain at her sides, fingers curled into fists.

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “That you should be damned with all the rest of the Fallen.”

  Tears flow down her face, and as I peer into that blue brilliance, I feel that chaos rise again, and this time there is no wall between me and the emotions I can’t get rid of. I feel the tremors within me. I try to remember, but no traces of the past surface to hel
p.

  “I don’t know what you are talking about.” Yet even as I say the words, I feel my heart speed up, and I can’t figure out how to fight what she is saying. “You’re wrong,” I say. Yet I wonder if the words are more for me than her.

  The forced smile quickly dies to nothing. “I was wrong about many things, Lev, but that…that wasn’t one of them. Just what you are capable of.” She grits her teeth. “How is it you still have your wings and are among his favored? How is that possible when I don’t think you even have a soul anymore? If you ever had one.”

  “Perhaps you should go,” I suggest coldly, sensing it is only going to get worse if she stays.

  Instead of leaving, she strides toward me and shoves at my chest. “Oh, so that is the way you handle things now? You just try to brush everything you can’t handle under the carpet and hope it stays hidden? Did you forget about your mortal love so easily? Out of sight, out of mind, as humans say.”

  Mortal love? Who is she talking about? Suddenly Elizabeth Moon’s face flashes to mind and suddenly I feel angry chaos rushing through me. I step back, trying to break the contact between us. “Leave Elizabeth out of this.”

  She steps toward me again. “Oh, so you do remember her name, at least. How about that she loved you? Do you remember that? And the fact your leaving destroyed her. Got any memories that deal with the kind of pain you inflicted upon her?”

  She prods me with her finger, and again, I step back, even more unnerved. Unable to take her hard expression and prodding finger anymore, I catch her hand. “I don’t know what your problem is. I don’t even know who you are, but keep your distance.” My voice is low and menacing, and suddenly I realize just how many emotions I’m keeping hidden below the surface, and how bad it’s going to be if they get the best of me.

  Although she steps back, I can tell it’s not because she feels intimidated, but rather repulsed—yet another clue that whatever happened between us really didn’t go well. She gives me a baleful stare. “You always were the golden child, Lev, and even Evan wasn’t aware of your mistakes, but they were there, tangled in your deceit. You can lie to yourself all you want, but I know you,” she sneers, again stepping closer and thrusting her hand at my chest. “You are one of the fallen, or will be. It’s just a matter of time.”

  This time I grab her hand and clench it tightly. “I told you to stop, and I meant it.” I squeeze harder, hoping my abrasive attitude will send her packing.

  Her lips part, and I can tell she’s feeling the pain of my grip, but she says nothing. Her eyes widen, and a groan escapes her throat. Although I know I’m squeezing hard, what she is reacting to goes far beyond that. Still, I thrust her hand away and take a step back in time to see her stagger.

  She laughs, a hard, raucous sound that grates on me. Then she surrenders to tears. “You did this to me, not that you remember. Saint Lev. You cursed me and Jayzee to a pain neither can bear, and I hope one day you fall for it.

  “Sarah?” I look up to find an angel with long auburn hair speaking to the woman. “Are you all right?”

  I lower my arms and take a step back, giving Sarah her space. Suddenly weak, Sarah manages to get to her feet and glare at me. “I’m fine.”

  Another man stands in the background, and he quickly takes the blonde angel’s arms and leads her away while her friend keeps staring. “I thought I told you to stay away from Sarah, Lev.” She glares at me caustically.

  “Yeah, well, I wasn’t the one who approached her. She came to me.” I rub my chest where she’d pressed her finger. “And you are, by the way?”

  Another round of loud laughter as she watches her two friends leave before fully turning her attention to me. “So it’s true your memory has been lifted. What a unique surprise.” She cocks her head to one side, studying me. “I’m Jayzee. You could say we go back a long way.”

  “How?” I don’t know what else to say.

  “That’s for me to know and you to find out. I just wouldn’t consider sojourning any time soon if you know what is good for you.”

  I feel myself bristle. “Are you implying that I don’t have a clue how to do my job?” Frustrated, I surge toward her, trying to understand just what her game might be.

  “Oh, you’re perfectly acceptable at your job, according to certain standards. You are so much better at working with the dead than with the living; the dead don’t try to argue semantics. They don’t try to make you understand when you’ve done things wrong, things you already know.” The air stirs around her and fans her hair into her face.

  Once more about my faults and how glaring they really are. I look away. “Perhaps you should leave,” I mutter, hoping she will actually consider it and spare me this conversation.

  “Why? I thought you could handle anything.” She folds her arms across her chest and waits for me to say something. “Don’t you have anything to say?”

  “Somehow I doubt you’ll listen to anything unless it’s what you want to hear.”

  She laughs. “Even without your memory, you’re still you, Lev. You haven’t changed. More’s the pity for that.” She turns.

  “And what is that supposed to mean?” I call after her, infuriated.

  She jerks around. “The only things you leave behind are confused souls and broken angels, Lev. That’s all you’ve ever left behind.” She gives me one last glare before stalking away and leaving me in emptiness.

  Did I do that with Elizabeth? Is it really my fault that she seems so broken? That question weighs me down until I can’t take it anymore. I fold my arms across my chest and try not to think so much about it, but it refuses to leave me.

  I walk to the ocean and kneel so I can dip my hands in the wetness and stare into the blackness spread below, feeling more lost now than ever. The chaos swirls deeply within me until I am swimming in it. The environment seems to mimic what I feel as lightning lances the clouds, exploding in bursts of violent light. I smell the rain coming, and that’s when I let myself dive, my body soaring through the water until I come to heaven’s underbelly. I feel myself push through the clouds, and once I fall below them toward the Lower Realm, rain spatters my form—cold, stinging rain. I know that I can stop it from touching me, but I don’t. I let the cold soak through me, preferring it to the emptiness I face or the chaos that wants to take over.

  I throw my arms out, and my wings burst wide. The sudden shift from falling to flight sends my body soaring in a different direction. I shut my eyes and think of Elizabeth Moon’s face. The wall is there, as usual: Evan’s gift. No doubt, he sees it as necessary, but I do not. I reach for a memory with her, anything that will guide my flight. Lightning sears the sky, branching in two different directions just above. I feel the electrical pulse of the discharge, and the current seems to swirl around me, mimicking the distortions within.

  What have I done to her? At one time, I would have believed I bore no responsibility, but I sense my own failings as surely as I feel the rain.

  The spattering of drops suddenly breaks in a deluge, and I let the sky pour around me. Even with my eyes closed, I sense the brilliance of lightning transforming the sky, and I squint even harder, seeking the memory. Where are you? I think of Elizabeth’s face, her eyes—these are things Evan can’t blot away; they are burned into memory.

  The blackness suddenly lifts, revealing a house—her house. I focus on it, seeking some way to find it—a landmark to orient myself in flight, but there isn’t anything I recognize. For a moment, I open my eyes, struggling with the knowledge I have come so far only to falter now, but I must not give up.

  I shiver in the cold rain contrasting with the summer air, and I feel the chaos that once only stirred in me now shifting around me. I cannot contain it. I don’t know what that means to the other angels or whether it means anything at all. I look over my shoulder at the sky, searching for some sign that will guide me, but all I see is rain. For a moment, I reel in the chaos, feeling like a bird who has one wounded wing and now spirals toward the g
round. I have no control.

  Whatever has transpired between Elizabeth and me, I know it has left a mark on me. Even Celia has said that much to Evan. That mark might be able to take me where I need to go even though I can’t remember it.

  I focus on that house. My arm stretches out, my hand reaching for it. Suddenly my body shifts, and I feel the flight take a quick change I haven’t committed. That’s when I realize some part of me is on autopilot, leading me to that house—Elizabeth’s house.

  Part of me stiffens as it always does. It’s like looking in a mirror in which the reflection has any number of flaws that mar what I see, and I wonder what is truth and what is damaged glass. What have I done? When will I remember?

  There are no answers, only more questions.

  Whatever is inside knows the path. Yes, I could block it out, but instead I want to feel something, anything besides this wall I can’t surmount. Evan is skilled, I will give him that.

  Moments later, my feet touch ground. It’s an old house that matches those around it, and it’s obvious this whole town has seen better days. Everything is dark, and I stare at the second floor of the house, immediately latching on to the window on the far right as Elizabeth’s.

  The dark yard is full of puddles I ignore as I pass a beat-up old truck on my way to the front door. Inside the house, the television is on, and a man with reddish-blond hair sits in a recliner, only half- watching the colors flowing across the screen. Part of him has drifted away into the warm tangle of dreams. I glance away to the stairs ahead and tread up them, keeping my body hidden. I make no sound. Of course, it occurs to me to wonder if there is a connection between us that is so strong will Elizabeth see me even in this alternate realm. At one time, I wouldn’t have thought it possible, but around her, I’ve noticed the impossible tends to change unexpectedly. Maybe nobody else can say no to Elizabeth Moon, either.

  At the top of the stairs, I let myself be led by instinct. I feel the beckoning within me, and I follow that warmth, calmer now I know it has nothing to do with being a sojourner. I am not here to take her soul. In fact, I’m really not sure why I’m here. Perhaps if Evan had been more willing to fill in the blanks, I wouldn’t be here, taking things in my own hand. But that’s a mute point. He’s unwilling, so here I am.