by Sherri Renee
“It smells good in here already,” I said taking a deep breath.
She glanced up from the potato she was peeling over the sink. “Merry Christmas!” she said.
“Merry Christmas!” I glanced at the bowl of potatoes she’d already peeled. “It looks like we’re going to have leftovers for a week.”
A nervous look crossed her face, and she looked down to hide it.
“Mom?” I took the potato and peeler from her and made her look at me. “What’s wrong?”
She bit her lip before nodding slightly. “Nothing’s wrong,” she said maybe just a little too brightly. She went to the drawer for another vegetable peeler and started in on another potato. I slowly finished the one I’d taken from her while watching her from the corner of my eye.
I’d just been thinking she looked good this morning and now she was already acting strange. Something was going on, but I didn’t know what. “Mom, are we going to lose the house?”
The surprised look she gave me told me what a random question that was, but after hearing about George’s family almost losing their house I knew it was something that could happen.
“Of course not,” she said. “And you need to stop worrying so much. Everything’s going to be just fine. Here.” She took the potato from my hands and set it in a bowl with the others. “Why don’t you start the dressing for me? I have the recipe on the counter.”
She didn’t want to talk about whatever was wrong, and I couldn’t decide if I should push her to or not. I picked up the index card that held my grandma’s recipe labeled Christmas Stuffing. I’d never met my grandparents on either side and it was days like today when I felt that loss deeply.
Mom was the best Mom ever, but I often wished we had a great big rowdy family that got together every holiday. I was pretty sure that was why I’d gotten so serious so fast with Danny.
It was totally unlike me, I’d never even been in love before, but I remembered I started making wedding plans after Danny had joked about wanting to have enough kids to start his own basketball team. I was subconsciously planning my own big family.
I decided I didn’t want to spoil our Christmas so I didn’t ask Mom any more questions about whatever she was hiding. But I kept an eye on her. I watched her every expression trying to decide if she looked worried or scared. For the most part, she simply looked content.
After she finished peeling the potatoes she started some Christmas music and went to work on an apple pie. She used a frozen crust and canned apple pie filling, but it was still my favorite.
“Why don’t you go get cleaned up?” she asked with a glance at the clock. “We should be ready to eat in about an hour.”
Chapter 23
I did as she said, taking a quick shower and doing my hair and makeup. It would be just the two of us, but I still wanted to dress up a little. I found my favorite black dress laying across the back of my chair under some shirts and paired it with gray tights with a black argyle pattern. Just as I was putting on my red shoes for the Christmasy touch, the doorbell rang.
My first thought, for some reason that made no sense whatsoever since we hadn’t even talked since Friday at the party, was that Jace had come over to tell me Merry Christmas. I pictured him standing at the door holding a bouquet of flowers like he had last time only these would be for me. I raced down the stairs with a smile on my face.
“I got it!” I called to Mom, yanking the door open as I heard Mom call. “No, wait!”
It wasn’t Jace at the door but a tall stranger with short blond hair. He was dressed nice, and I thought for a minute he must have the wrong house. Mom ran up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder just as I looked at the man’s smiling face and saw my own green eyes looking back at me.
My breath caught in my chest, and I swallowed hard. I didn’t have to be told that I was standing face to face with my dad. What I would have liked to been told was why I was. Or even how I should feel about it because right now it felt like all of my emotions had gone on strike. I felt absolutely nothing. Not even surprise.
Mom pulled the door open more. “Drake,” she said. “I’m glad you could make it. Please come in.”
I sent her a shocked look. She’d known he was coming? Why wouldn’t she tell me something this huge and give me some time to prepare. Mom guided me back with a hand on my arm so Drake could walk in before she closed the door.
We stood in a small huddle in the foyer and just stared at each other. Finally, Drake cleared his throat. “And you must be Michelle,” he said offering me his hand. “I’m . . .”
“My dad,” I interrupted. I took his hand out of habit but dropped it quickly. Some of my emotions were coming back to work but they were each trying to outdo each other, and I still didn’t know how to feel.
“Lunch is ready,” Mom said with a forced lightness in her voice. “Let me take your coat and we can get to know each other while we eat.”
I stared at her like she’d sprouted an extra head as she hung this stranger’s jacket in our hall closet. As much as I’d been longing for a big family, adding a random stranger to the mix didn’t exactly count. He was no more family to me than the guy who worked at the bookstore. Less, because I’d at least seen the guy at the bookstore before.
We were just fine on our own. Sure I’d always wondered what my dad would be like, and yes, I envied people with large families, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t happy with what Mom and I had.
I wasn’t sure how inviting this man into the life we’d built was going to work. I had a feeling it wasn’t going to go well. But then a tiny little part of me started hoping that maybe it would. Sure he was a stranger now, but maybe we could get to know each other. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. Maybe I’d get my own big family after all.
Mom and Drake did most of the talking during lunch, and I was thankful because I wasn’t sure if I could string a coherent sentence together if I had to. My ears buzzed and my thoughts were foggy as my emotions ran rampant. I put bite after bite of food in my mouth, but I didn’t taste any of it.
Why would Mom randomly invite my dad over after eighteen years and on Christmas Day at that? Nothing made any sense. Maybe she’d decided being a single parent was just too hard and wanted his support. I couldn’t even pretend to believe that she would wait until I was almost off to college to make a decision like that though.
Maybe she thought she was giving me a gift by sharing a part of who I was with me. I didn’t have any real answers and I finally couldn’t take anymore guessing. I set my fork on my plate with a loud clatter that got both of their attention.
“What are you doing here?” I asked bluntly, staring at the man I could only call Drake. He wasn’t really my dad. He was a stranger off the street. If we didn’t have the same eyes I don’t know if I would have even believed we were related at all.
“Michelle,” Mom scolded. “Don’t be rude. I invited Drake here.”
I turned to her with my brows dipped low. I felt bad for upsetting her. It was Christmas Day after all, but a tiny voice argued that she’d started it by inviting Drake over without running it by me. We’d always been a team as much as mother and daughter, and she’d totally cut me out of this decision. I figured that gave me the right to be upset.
“Why would you do that?” I asked. “Why would you invite a stranger to our Christmas dinner without even mentioning it to me?”
Mom’s lips thinned, and she started to say something, but Drake interrupted. “No, it’s okay. Those are all good questions.”
He smiled at me, but it was weak. He looked nervous. “I think I felt almost the same as you did when Melissa called me out of the blue the other day. She thought it would be nice if we had a chance to get to know each other and I agree. If it’s okay with you I would really like that.”
I stared at him. It was the most perfect thing he could have said considering the circumstances, but it wasn’t enough. I rounded on Mom.
“Why now?” I asked, spla
ying my hands in question as my voice rose. “All those times I asked you about him when I was little you just blew me off.” I glanced at him, memorizing his sandy blond hair and strong jaw. “You wouldn’t even show me his picture. Why would you all of a sudden drag him into our lives like this? I just don’t get it.”
Mom’s cheeks grew red and her eyes narrowed. I could tell she was upset I was being so rude, but I couldn’t help it.
Mom glanced from Drake to me. Seeming to come to a decision she blurted, “I have cancer.” Her jaw tightened, and she sounded angry. “I go in for surgery tomorrow. And it was important to me that you not be alone if . . .” I saw her swallow and then her lips moved again, but I didn’t hear anything else she said after that.
I felt dizzy and grabbed the edge of the table. All I could think was that this was some kind of elaborate joke. Maybe part of a reality show or something. As much as I hoped that’s what it was, I knew Mom would never be that cruel.
Mom stood beside me with her hand on my arm. I turned to look right at her. Seeing the panic in her eyes, I wanted to comfort her, but I couldn’t make my mouth work to form any words. I started shaking my head slowly from side to side, getting faster and faster as if I could shake the words from my memory with the action.
Her expression didn’t change. Even Drake looked at me sympathetically from across the table. As much as I didn’t want to believe it, I knew it was true. Mom had cancer and was worried she might not make it.
I started to cry, and Mom pulled me against her chest. Sobs tore from my lungs. I couldn’t lose my mom. She was my only family. It didn’t matter if she did invite the other half of my DNA over to meet me. He was nothing to me. A complete and total stranger while Mom was my whole life.
Mom held me until my tears quieted, and I let out a choked hiccup sound. Drake stood and dropped his napkin by his plate. “I can only imagine how hard this is for you, Michelle. I’m so sorry you both have to go through it. It would mean more to me than you can imagine if you’ll give me a chance to get to know you, but for now, I think you and your mom can use some time alone. I’ll let myself out.”
Mom nodded and told him she’d call him later. I watched him walk away, wondering how Mom had ever thought inviting him here would be a good idea.
Mom started clearing the table, and I helped her. We didn’t speak just covered food and put it in the refrigerator and set dirty plates in the sink. I moved by rote, feeling like I was somewhere far away, watching the scene as someone else lived it.
This couldn’t be happening to us. Mom was a nurse. She took care of sick people. She didn’t get sick. As much as my mind fought to deny it, I knew it was true, and a small dark hole started growing in my chest, leaving me more hollow by the second.
When everything was put away Mom took my hand. “Let’s go sit down,” she said.
I followed her to the living room, my steps slow as if that dark hole in my chest was sucking away my energy as it expanded. The beautiful tree and decorations looked garish now that I understood she’d only decorated because she didn’t know if she’d live to see another Christmas.
A lump formed in my throat, and I pressed the palms of my hands to my eyes. Why was this happening?
Chapter 24
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, my voice coming out scratchy and hoarse. “How long have you known.”
Mom sat on the recliner and rubbed a weary hand over her face. “I’ve known for a while. I wanted to tell you.” Her eyes met mine and begged for understanding. “I wanted to tell you from the day I found out, but I couldn’t. I could never find the words. It was easier to ignore it.” She drew in her lips and was quiet for a minute.
“With the surgery tomorrow I couldn’t ignore it any longer.” She shrugged, giving me a sad smile.
I dropped down on the couch and shook my head. I knew she’d been looking tired, but the thought of cancer had never entered my mind. I was still mad that she hadn’t told me. I could have used the time to start preparing myself for whatever tomorrow would bring. But this wasn’t about me. She needed my support now. I knew she had to be scared. For herself. For me.
“You’re going to be fine.” I nodded at her, working to pull myself together. “You’re strong and healthy, and I’m going to do everything I can to make life easier for you while you recover.”
I went and sat on the floor at her feet taking her hand in mine. “You’ve always said we’re strong women who can overcome anything. We can overcome this too.”
She stroked my hair and looked relieved, I noticed, but not convinced.
“Drake is a good man,” she said, running her hand over my hair again. “He was so upset when I told him about you.” She glanced down at me. “And he has a right to be. I made assumptions about what he wanted and what would be best for him. I shouldn’t have done that. It wasn’t fair to him. I should have told him about you when I found out I was pregnant and let him make his own decision.”
Her face contorted, looking as if she was struggling to hold back tears. I squeezed her hand, wishing I could take away her pain. She was always so strong. So sure of everything. It was hard seeing her like this. Weak and fragile.
“I cheated you both out of eighteen years, and I’m so sorry,” she said. “I hope you’ll give him a chance. No matter what happens with me, I hope you’ll let him into your life. I think you’ll find you really like him if you do.”
“You’re going to be fine,” I said, ignoring the rest of her words. It was all too much to think about right now. We needed to focus on what was right in front of us first. “You’ll get through your surgery tomorrow, and we’ll start you on the road to recovery. I’ve read that juicing vegetables is really good for fighting cancer. We’ll start making juice and whatever else we can think of, but you’re going to be okay.”
Mom looked like she wanted to push the dad issue, but in the end, she simply sat back and stroked my hair while I held her hand. It wasn’t long before she went to lie down and suddenly all her naps and early bedtimes made sense to me.
I couldn’t believe she was so sick and I hadn’t even noticed. I turned off all the Christmas lights and went up to my room. This was not the cheery Christmas I’d been expecting.
I immediately felt bad for that thought. It certainly wasn’t the Christmas Mom had been expecting either. I wanted to talk things over with someone and my first thought was Kristen but she was going to be with Matt’s family all day.
I picked up my phone and called Danny. I knew it was strange to call him, but only a few days ago we’d shared every hope and dream with each other. I’d thought we’d share forever together.
I wasn’t sure what I hoped to get out of the call, but until he’d moved we’d been close, and I guess I thought he’d at least offer me some sympathy. What I got after several rings was his voicemail.
I tapped my fingernails against the phone. I couldn’t decide if I should leave a message or not. I finally said, “Danny, it’s important. Please call me.”
I sat on the edge of the bed with the phone clutched tight in my hand. I knew it was Christmas Day and Danny was probably busy, but I also knew he always carried his phone with him. He’d check my message soon and when he heard how upset I sounded he’d call me right back.
I waited and waited. He wasn’t my boyfriend anymore, I knew that, but how could our underlying friendship evaporate within days. I started to cry softly as it hit me that Danny wasn’t going to call back.
I swallowed and dialed another number. Jace answered on the second ring. “Hello?”
“Jace?” My voice quivered as I fought to hold back fresh tears.
“Michelle?” Jace’s voice went from cheerful to worried. “What’s wrong?”
I cleared my throat and firmed my voice the best I could. “I just need to talk to someone.”
Jace didn’t say anything for a second, and I figured he probably wondered why I’d called him.
“Where are you?” he asked.
I told him I was at home.
“I’ll be right there.” He hung up before I could say anything else.
A smile played on my lips as I stared at the phone. He was such a nice guy. I was afraid dumping more of my troubles on him might really ruin any slim chance that remained of us ever getting together, but it didn’t matter right now. I didn’t want to be alone, and if I was honest the only person I really did want to be with was Jace.
I waited at the door until he pulled up so he wouldn’t ring the doorbell and wake Mom. He wore one of those “ugly Christmas sweaters” with a cartoon cat tangled in a string of lights. It was so bad it almost made me smile but not quite. It would probably be a long time before I actually smiled again.
I opened the door and Jace took one look at my tear-streaked face and without so much as a “hello” pulled me against his chest, wrapping me tight in his arms.
I sank into him, feeling more relieved that he came than I’d expected. His light, fresh cologne tickled my nose, and I closed my eyes, drawing in a deep breath as I felt my tension recede. I was reminded at how safe he’d made me feel at the diner after Danny’d broken my heart. Something about him was so real, so sincere, that I couldn’t help feeling a little better just being around him.
Cold air raced through the open door so I forced myself to step away from him to close it. “Merry Christmas,” I said, although my voice came out weak and trembling.
Jace gave me a sad smile. “It doesn’t sound like it’s been too merry for you.”
I shrugged. That was one way of putting it. “Let’s go upstairs,” I said, and he followed me to my room. I sat on my bed and realized he was still in the doorway slowly taking everything in.
“You can come in.”
He glanced at me and took a step into the room but didn’t stop looking around. I started to feel uncomfortable. Like he was analyzing me from the way my room looked.
