Myth Conceptions

by Robert Asprin

  "Who seeks an audience with the great Skeeve?" Aahz bellowed in a resonant bass voice.

  The man shot another nervous glance at me, then drew himself up in stiff formality.

  "I come as an emissary from his most noble Majesty, Rodrick the Fifth, King of Possiltum, who-"

  "Where's Possiltum?" Aahz interrupted.

  "I beg your pardon?" the man blinked.

  "Possiltum," Aahz repeated. "Where is it?"

  "Oh!" the man said with sudden understanding. "It's the kingdom just east of here . . . other side of the Ember River . . . you can't miss it."

  "Okay," Aahz nodded. "Go on."

  The man took a deep breath, then hesitated, frowning.

  "King of Possiltum," I prompted.

  "Oh yes! Thanks." The man shot a quick smile, then another quick stare, then continued, "King of Possiltum, who sends his respects and greetings to the one known as Skeeve the magician . . ."

  He paused and looked at Aahz expectantly. He was rewarded with a polite nod of the head. Satisfied, the man continued.

  "His Majesty extends an invitation to Skeeve the magician to appear before the court of Possiltum that he might be reviewed for his suitability for the position of court magician."

  "I don't really feel qualified to pass judgment on the king's suitability as a court magician," Aahz said modestly, eyeing the man carefully. "Isn't he content just to be king?"

  "No, no!" the man corrected hastily. "The king wants to review your suitability."

  "Oh!" Aahz said with the appearance of sudden understanding. "That's a different matter entirely. Well, well. An invitation from . . . who was it again?"

  "Rodrick the Fifth," the man announced, lifting his head haughtily.

  "Well," Aahz said, grinning broadly. "I've never been one to refuse a fifth!"

  The man blinked and frowned, then glanced at me quizzically. I shrugged, not understanding the joke myself.

  "You may tell His Majesty," Aahz continued, unaware of our confusion. "I shall be happy to accept his kind invitation. I shall arrive at his court at my earliest convenience."

  The man frowned.

  "I believe His Majesty requires your immediate presence," he commented darkly.

  "Of course," Aahz answered smoothly. "How silly of me. If you will accept our hospitality for the night, I and my assistant here will be most pleased to accompany you in the morning."

  I knew a cue when I heard one. I drooled and bared my teeth at the messenger.

  The man shot a horrified look in my direction.

  "Actually," he said hastily, "I really must be going. I'll tell His Majesty you'll be following close behind."

  "You're sure you wouldn't like to stay?" Aahz asked hopefully.

  "Positive!" The man nearly shouted his reply as he began backing the bird away from us.

  "Oh, well," Aahz said. "Perhaps we'll catch up with you on the road."

  "In that case," the man said, turning his bird, "I'll want a head . . . that is, I'd best be on my way to announce your coming."

  I raised my hand to wave good-bye, but he was already moving at a rapid pace, urging his mount to still greater speeds and ignoring me completely.

  "Excellent!" Aahz exclaimed, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "A court magician! What a soft job! And the day started out so miserably."

  "If I can interrupt," I interrupted. "There's one minor flaw in your plan."

  "Hmm? What's that?"

  "I don't want to be a court magician!"

  As usual, my protest didn't dampen his enthusiasm at all.

  "You didn't want to be a magician, either," he reminded me bluntly. "You wanted to be a thief. Well, here's a good compromise for you. As a court magician, you'll be a civil servant . . . and civil servants are thieves on a grander scale than you ever dreamed possible!"

  Chapter Three

  "Ninety percent of any business transaction is selling yourself to the client."

  -X. HOLLANDER

  "Now let me see if I've got this right," I said carefully. "You're saying they probably won't hire me on the basis of my abilities?"

  I couldn't believe I'd interpreted Aahz's lecture correctly, but he beamed enthusiastically.

  "That's right, kid," he approved. "Now you've got it."

  "No, I don't," I insisted. "That's the craziest thing I've ever heard!"

  Aahz groaned and hid his face in his hand.

  It had been like this ever since we left the inn, and three days of a demon's groaning is a bit much for anyone to take.

  "I'm sorry, Aahz," I said testily, "but I don't believe it. I've taken a lot of things you've told me on faith, but this . . . this goes against common sense."

  "What does common sense have to do with it?" he exploded. "We're talking about a job interview!"

  At this outburst, Buttercup snorted and tossed his head, making it necessary for us to duck out of range of his horn.

  "Steady, Buttercup!" I admonished soothingly.

  Though he still rolled his eyes, the unicorn resumed his stoic plodding, the travois loaded with our equipment dragging along behind him still intact. Despite incidents such as had occurred back at the inn, Buttercup and I got along fairly well, and he usually obeyed me. In contrast, he and Aahz never really hit it off, especially when the latter chose to raise his voice angrily.

  "All it takes is a little gentleness," I informed Aahz smugly. "You should try it sometime."

  "While you're showing off your dubious rapport with animals," Aahz retorted, "you might call your dragon back. All we need is to have him stirring up the countryside."

  I cast a quick glance about. He was right. Gleep had disappeared . . . again.

  "Gleep!" I called. "Come here, fella!"

  "Gleep!" came an answering cry.

  The bushes off to our left parted, and the dragon's head emerged.

  "Gleep?" he said, cocking his head.

  "Come here!" I repeated.

  My pet needed no more encouragement. He bounded into the open and trotted to my side.

  "I still say we should have left that stupid dragon back at the inn," Aahz grumbled.

  I ignored him, checking to be sure that the gear hung saddlebag fashion over the dragon's back was still secure. Personally, I felt we were carrying far too much in the way of personal belongings, but Aahz had insisted. Gleep tried to nuzzle me affectionately with his head, and I caught a whiff of his breath. For a moment, I wondered if Aahz had been right about leaving the dragon behind.

  "What were you saying about job interviews?" I asked, both to change the subject and to hide the fact I was gagging.

  "I know it sounds ridiculous, kid," Aahz, began with sudden sincerity, "and it is, but a lot of things are ridiculous, particularly in this dimension. That doesn't mean we don't have to deal with them."

  That gave me pause to think. To a lot of people, having a demon and a dragon for traveling companions would seem ridiculous. As a matter of fact, if I took time to think it through, it seemed pretty ridiculous to me!

  "Okay, Aahz," I said finally, "I can accept the existence of ridiculousness as reality. Now try explaining the court magician thing to me again."

  We resumed walking as Aahz organized his thoughts. For a change, Gleep trailed placidly along beside Buttercup instead of taking off on another of his exploratory side trips.

  "See if this makes any sense," Aahz said finally. "Court magicians don't do much . . . magically at least. They're primarily kept around for show, as a status symbol to demonstrate a court is advanced enough to rate a magician. It's a rare occasion when they're called upon to do anything. If you were a jester, they'd work your tail off, but not as a magician. Remember, most people are skittish about magik, and use it as seldom as possible."

  "If that's the case," I said confidently, "I'm qualified. I'll match my ability to do nothing against any magician on Klah."

  "No argument there," Aahz observed dryly. "But it's not quite that easy. To hold the job takes next to no eff
ort at all. Getting the job can be an uphill struggle."

  "Oh!" h said, mollified.

  "Now to get the job, you'll have to impress the king and probably his advisors," Aahz continued. "You'll have to impress them with you, not with your abilities."

  "How's that again?" I frowned.

  "Look, kid. Like I said, a court magician is window dressing, a showpiece. They'll be looking for someone they want to have hanging around their court, someone who is impressive whether or not he ever does anything. You'll have to exude confidence. Most important, you'll have to look like a magician . . . or at least, what they think a magician looks like. If you can dress like a magician, talk like a magician, and act like a magician, maybe no one will notice you don't have the abilities of a magician."

  "Thanks, Aahz," I grimaced. "You're really doing wonders towards building my confidence."

  "Now don't sulk," Aahz admonished. "You know how to levitate reasonably large objects, you can fly after a fashion, and you've got the disguise spell down pat. You're doing pretty well for a rank novice, but don't kid yourself into believing you're anywhere near full magician's status:"

  He was right, of course, but I was loath to admit it.

  "If I'm such a bumbling incompetent," I said stiffly, "why are we on our way to establish me as a court magician?"

  Aahz bared his teeth at me in irritation.

  "You aren't listening, kid;" he snarled. "Holding the job once you've got it will be a breeze. You can handle that now. The tricky part will be getting you hired. Fortunately, with a few minor modifications and a little coaching, I think we can get you ready for polite society."

  "Modifications such as what?" I asked, curious despite myself.

  Aahz made a big show of surveying me from head to foot.

  "For a start," he said, "there's the way you dress."

  "What's wrong with the way I dress?" I countered defensively.

  "Nothing at all," he replied innocently. "That is, if you want people to see you as a bumpkin peasant with dung on his boots. Of course, if you want to be a court magician, well, that's another story. No respectable magician would be caught dead in an outfit like that."

  "But I am a respectable magician!" I argued.

  "Really? Respected by who?"

  He had me there, so I lapsed into silence.

  "That's specifically the reason I had the foresight to bring along a few items from the inn," Aahz continued, indicating Buttercup's burdens with a grand sweep of his hand.

  "And here I thought you were just looting the place;" I said dryly.

  "Watch your mouth, kid," he warned. "This is all for your benefit."

  "Really? You aren't expecting anything at all out of this deal?"

  My sarcasm, as usual, was lost on him.

  "Oh, I'll be around," he acknowledged. "Don't worry about that. Publicly, I'll be your apprentice."

  "My apprentice?"

  This job was suddenly sounding much better.

  "Publicly!" Aahz repeated hastily. "Privately, you'll continue your lessons as normal. Remember that before you start getting frisky with your `apprentice.' "

  "Of course, Aahz," I assured him. "Now, what was it you we're saying about changing the way I dress?"

  He shot me a sidelong glance, apparently suspicious of my sudden enthusiasm.

  "Not that there's anything wrong with me the way I am," I added with a theatrical scowl.

  That seemed to ease his doubts.

  "Everything's wrong with the way you dress," he growled. "We're lucky those two Imps left most of their wardrobe behind when we sent 'em packing along with Isstvan."

  "Higgens and Brockhurst?"

  "Yeah, those two," Aahz grinned evilly at the memory. "I'll say one thing for Imps. They may be inferior to Deveels as merchants, but they are snappy dressers."

  "I find it hard to believe that all that stuff you bundled along is wardrobe," I observed skeptically.

  "Of course it isn't," my mentor moaned. "It's special effects gear."

  "Special effects?"

  "Don't you remember anything, kid?" Aahz scowled. "I told you all this when we first met. However easy magik is, you can't let it look easy. You need a few hand props, a line of patter . . . you know, like Garkin had."

  Garkin's hut, where I had first been introduced to magik, had been full of candles, vials of strange powders, dusty books . . . now there was a magician's lair! Of course, I had since discovered most of what he had was unnecessary for the actual working of magik itself.

  I was beginning to see what Aahz meant when he said I'd have to learn to put on a show:

  "We've got a lot of stuff we can work into your presentation," Aahz continued. "Isstvan left a lot of his junk behind when he left. Oh, and you might find some familiar items when we unload. I think the Imps helped themselves to some of Garkin's equipment and brought it back to the inn with them."

  "Really?" I said; genuinely interested. "Did they get Garkin's brazier?"

  "Brazier?" My mentor frowned.

  "You remember," I prompted. "You used it to drink wine out of when you first arrived."

  "That's right! Yeah, I think I saw it in there. Why?"

  "No special reason," I replied innocently. "It was always a favorite of mine, that's all."

  From watching Garkin back in my early apprentice days, I knew there were secrets to that brazier I was dying to learn. I also knew that, if possible, I wanted to save it as a surprise for Aahz.

  "We're going to have to do something about your physical appearance, too," Aahz continued thoughtfully.

  "What's-"

  "You're too young!" he answered, anticipating my question. "Nobody hires a young magician. They want one who's been around for a while. If we-"

  He broke off suddenly and craned his neck to look around.

  "Kid," he said carefully, studying the sky. "Your dragon's gone again."

  I did a fast scan. He was right.

  "Gleep!" I called. "Here, fella! "

  The dragon's head appeared from the depths of a bush behind us. There was something slimy with legs dangling from his mouth, but before I could manage an exact identification, my pet swallowed and the whatzit disappeared.

  "Gleep!" he said proudly, licking his lips with his long forked tongue.

  "Stupid dragon," Aahz muttered darkly.

  "He's cheap to feed," I countered, playing on what I knew to be Aahz's tight-fisted nature.

  As we waited for the dragon to catch up, I had time to reflect that for once I felt no moral or ethical qualms about taking part in one of Aahz's schemes. If the unsuspecting Rodrick the Fifth was taken in by our charade and hired us, I was confident the king would be getting more than he bargained for.

  Chapter Four

  "If the proper preparations have been made and the necessary precautions taken, any staged event is guaranteed success."

  -ETHELRED THE UNREADY

  The candle lit at the barest flick from my mind.

  Delighted, I snuffed it and tried again.

  A sidelong glance, a fleeting concentration of my will, and the smoldering wick burst into flame again.

  I snuffed the flame and sat smiling at the familiar candle.

  This was the first real proof I'd had as to how far my magical powers had developed in the past year. I knew this candle from my years as Garkin's apprentice. In those days, it was my arch nemesis. Even focusing all my energies failed to light it then. But now...

  I glanced at the wick again, and again it rewarded me with a burst of flame.

  I snuffed it and repeated the exercise, my confidence growing as I realized how easily I could now do something I once thought impossible.

  "Will you knock it off with the candle!"

  I jumped at the sound of Aahz's outburst, nearly upsetting the candle and setting the blanket afire.

  "I'm sorry, Aahz," I said, hastily snuffing the candle for the last time. "I just-"

  "You're here to audition for court magician," he inter
rupted. "Not for town Christmas tree!"

  I considered asking what a Christmas tree was, but decided against it. Aahz seemed uncommonly irritable and nervous, and I was pretty sure, however I chose to phrase my question, that the answer would be both sarcastic and unproductive.

  "Stupid candle blinking on and off," Aahz grumbled half to himself. "Attract the attention of every guard in the castle."

  "I thought we were trying to attract their attention," I pointed out, but Aahz ignored me, peering at the castle through the early-morning light.

  He didn't have to peer far, as we were camped in the middle of the road just short of the castle's main gates.

  As I said, I was under the impression our position was specifically chosen to attract attention to ourselves.

  We had crept into position in the dead of night, clumsily picking our way through the sleeping buildings clustered about the main gate. Not wishing to show a light, unpacking had been minimal, but even in the dark, I had recognized Garkin's candle.

  All of this had to do with something Aahz called a "dramatic entrance." As near as I could tell, all this meant was we couldn't do anything the easy way.

  Our appearance was also carefully designed for effect, with the aid of the Imps' abandoned wardrobe and my disguise spells.

  Aahz was outfitted in my now traditional "dubious character" disguise. Gleep was standing placidly beside Buttercup disguised as a unicorn, giving us a matched pair. It was my own appearance, however, which had been the main focus of our attentions.

  Both Aahz and I had agreed that the Garkin disguise would be unsuitable for this effort. While my own natural appearance was too young, Garkin's would be too old. Since we could pretty much choose the image we wanted, we decided to field a magician in his mid to late thirties; young without being youthful, experienced without being old, and powerful but still learning.

  To achieve this disguise involved a bit more work than normal, as I did not have an image in mind to superimpose over my own. Instead, I closed my eyes and envisioned myself as I appeared normally, then slowly erased the features until I had a blank face to begin on. Then I set to work with Aahz watching carefully and offering suggestions and modifications.