Myth Conceptions

by Robert Asprin

  Aahz had insisted I practice this walk. He said it would make me look confident and self-possessed. Now that I was actually appearing before a king, I found I was using the walk, not as a show of arrogance, but to hide the weakness in my legs.

  "Well?" the general rumbled, looming before me. "I asked you a question! Where did you get that pike? You'd best answer before I grow angry!"

  Something in me snapped. Any fear I felt of the general and his axe evaporated, replaced by a heady glow of strength.

  I had discovered on my first visit to the Bazaar at Deva that I didn't like to be pushed by big, loud Deveels. I discovered now that I also didn't like it any better when the arrogance came from a big, loud fellow Klahd.

  So the big man wanted to throw his weight around, did he?

  With a twitch of my mind, I summoned the pike. Without turning to look, I brought it arrowing over my shoulder in a course destined to embed it in the general's chest.

  The general saw it coming and paled. He took an awkward step backward, realized it was too late for flight, and groped madly for his axe.

  I stopped the pike three feet from his chest, floating it in front of him with its point leveled at his heart.

  "This pike?" I asked casually.

  "Ahh . . ." the general responded, his eyes never leaving the weapon.

  "I took this pike from an overly rude soldier. He said he was following orders. Would those orders come from you, by any chance?"

  "I . . . um . . . ." The general licked his lips. "I issued orders that my men deal with strangers in an expedient fashion. I said nothing about their being less then polite."

  "In that case . . ."

  I moved the pike ninety degrees so that it no longer threatened the general.

  ". . . I return the pike to you so that you might give it back to the guard along with a clarification of your orders . . . ."

  The general hesitated, scowling, then extended his hand to grasp the floating pike. Just before he reached it, I let it fall to the ground where it clattered noisily.

  ". . . and hopefully additional instructions as to how to handle their weapons," I concluded.

  The general flushed and started to pick up the pike. Then the chancellor snickered, and the general spun around to glare at him. The chancellor smirked openly and whispered something to the king, who tried to suppress a smile at his words.

  The general turned to me again, ignoring the pike, and glared down from his full height.

  "Who are you?" he asked in a tone which implied my name would be immediately moved to the head of the list for public execution.

  "Who's asking?" I glared back, still not completely over my anger.

  "The man you are addressing," the king interceded, "is Hugh Badaxe, Commander of the Royal Armies of Possiltum."

  "And I am J. R. Grimble," the chancellor added hastily, afraid of being left out. "First Advisor to His Majesty."

  The general shot another black look at Grimble. I decided it was time to get down to business.

  "I am the magician known as Skeeve," I began grandly. "I have come in response to a gracious invitation from His Most Noble Majesty, Rodrick the Fifth."

  I paused and inclined my head slightly to the king who smiled and nodded in return.

  "I have come to determine for myself if I should consider accepting a position at the court of Possiltum."

  The phrasing of that last part had been chosen very carefully by Aahz. It was designed to display my confidence by implying the choice was mine rather than theirs.

  The subtlety was not lost on the chancellor, who raised a critical eyebrow at my choice of words.

  "Now, such a position requires confidence on both sides," I continued. "I must feel that I will be amply rewarded for my services, and His Majesty must be satisfied that my skills are worthy of his sponsorship."

  I turned slightly and raised my voice to address the entire court.

  "The generosity of the crown of Possiltum is known to all," I declared. "And I have every confidence His Majesty will reward his retainers in proportion to their service to him."

  There was a strangled sound behind me, from the general, I think. I ignored it.

  "Therefore, all that is required is that I satisfy His Majesty . . . and his advisors . . . that my humble skills will indeed suffice his needs."

  I turned to the throne once more, letting the king see my secret smile which belied the humility of my words.

  "Your Majesty, my powers are many and varied. However, the essence of power is control. Therefore realizing you are a busy man, rather than waste time with mere commercial trickeries and minor demonstrations such as we have already seen, I shall weave but three spells and trust in your wisdom to perceive the depths behind them."

  I turned and stretched forth a finger to point at Buttercup and Gleep.

  "Yonder are my prize pair of matched unicorns," I said dramatically. "Would Your Majesty be so kind as to choose one of them?"

  The king blinked in surprise at being invited to participate in my demonstration. For a moment he hesitated.

  "Umm . . . I choose the one on the left," he said, finally indicating Buttercup.

  I bowed slightly.

  "Very well, Your Majesty. By your word shall that creature be spared. Observe the other closely."

  Actually, that was another little stunt Aahz had taught me. It's called a "magician's force," and allows a performer to offer his audience a choice without really giving them a choice. Had the king chosen Gleep, I would have simply proceeded to work on "the creature he had doomed with a word."

  Slowly, I pointed a finger at Gleep and lowered my head slightly.

  "Walla walla Washington!" I said somberly.

  I don't know what the words meant, but Aahz assured me they had historic precedence and would convince people I was actually doing something complex.

  "Alla kazam shazam," I continued, raising my other arm. "Bibbity bobbity . . ."

  I mentally removed Gleep's disguise.

  The crowd reacted with a gasp, drowning out my final "goo-gleep."

  My dragon heard his name, though, and reacted immediately. His head came up and he lumbered forward to stand docilely at my side. As planned, Aahz immediately shambled forward to a position near Gleep's head and stood watchful and ready.

  This was meant to imply that we were prepared to handle any difficulty which might arise with the dragon. The crowd's reaction to him, however, overshadowed their horror at seeing a unicorn transformed to a dragon. I had forgotten how effective the "disreputable character" disguise was. Afraid of losing the momentum of my performance, I hurried on.

  "This misshapen wretch is my apprentice Aahz," I announced. "You may wonder if it is within his power to stop the dragon should the beast grow angry. I tell you now . . . it is not!"

  The crowd edged back nervously. From the corner of my eye, I saw the general's hand slide to the handle of his axe.

  "But it is within my power! Now you know that the forces of darkness are no strangers to Skeeve!"

  I spun and stabbed a finger at Aahz.

  "Bobbelty gook, crumbs and martyrs!"

  I removed Aahz's disguise.

  There was a moment of stunned silence, then Aahz smiled. Aahz's smile has been known to make strong men weak, and there were not many strong men in the crowd.

  The audience half trampled each other in their haste to backpedal from the demon, and the sound of screeches was intermixed with hastily chanted protection spells.

  I turned to the throne once more. The king and the chancellor seemed to be taking it well. They were composed, though a bit pale. The general was scowling thoughtfully at Aahz.

  "As a demon, my apprentice can suppress the dragon if need be . . . nay, ten dragons. Such is my power. Yet power must be tempered with gentleness . . . gentility if you will."

  I allowed my expression to grow thoughtful.

  "To confuse one's enemies and receive one's allies, you need no open show of power
or menace. For occasions such as those, one's powers can be masked until one is no more conspicuous than . . . than a stripling."

  As I spoke the final words, I stripped away my own disguise and stood in my youthful unsplendor. I probably should have used some fake magik words, but I had already used up all the ones Aahz had taught me and was afraid of experimenting with new ones.

  The king and the chancellor were staring at me intently as if trying to penetrate my magical disguise with willpower alone. The general was performing a similar exercise staring at Aahz, who folded his arms and bared his teeth in a confident smile.

  For a change, I shared his confidence. Let them stare. It was too late to penetrate my magik because I wasn't working any more. Though the royal troupe and the entire audience was convinced they were witnessing a powerful spell, in actuality all I had done was remove the spells which had been distorting their vision. At the moment, all of us, Aahz, Buttercup, Gleep, and myself, were our normal selves, however abnormal we appeared. Even the most adept magical vision could not penetrate a nonexistent spell.

  "As you see, Your Majesty," I concluded. "My powers are far from ordinary. They can make the gentle fearsome, or the mighty harmless. They can destroy your enemies or amuse your court, depending upon your whim. Say the word, speak your approval, and the powers of Skeeve are yours to command."

  I drew myself up and bowed my head respectfully, and remained in that position awaiting judgment from the throne.

  Several moments passed without a word. Finally, I risked a peek at the pavilion.

  The chancellor and the general were exchanging heated whispers over the head of the king, who inclined his head this way and that as he listened. Realizing this could take a while, I quietly eased my head to an upright position as I waited.

  "Skeeve!" the king called suddenly, interrupting his advisor's arguments. "That thing you did with the pike. Can you always control weapons so easily?"

  "Child's play, Your Majesty," I said modestly. "I hesitate to even acknowledge it as a power."

  The king nodded and spoke briefly to his advisors in undertones. When he had finished, the general flushed and, turning on his heel, strode off into the palace. The chancellor looked smug.

  I risked a glance at Aahz, who winked at me. Even though he was further away, apparently his acute hearing had given him advance notice of the king's decision.

  "Let all here assembled bear witness!" the chancellor's ringing voice announced. "Rodrick the Fifth, King of Possiltum, does hereby commend the magical skill and knowledge of one Skeeve and does formally name him Magician to the Court of Possiltum. Let all applaud the appointment of this master magician . . . and then disperse!"

  There was a smattering of halfhearted applause from my vanquished rivals, and more than a few glares. I acknowledged neither as I tried to comprehend the chancellor's words.

  I did it! Court Magician! Of the entire selection of magicians from five kingdoms, I had been chosen! Me! Skeeve!

  I was suddenly aware of the chancellor beckoning me forward. Trying to be nonchalant, I approached the throne.

  "Lord Magician," the chancellor said with a smile. "If you will, might we discuss the matter of your wages?"

  "My apprentice handles such matters," I informed him loftily. "I prefer not to distract myself with such mundane matters."

  Again, we had agreed that Aahz would handle the wage negotiations, his knowledge of magik being surpassed only by his skill at haggling. I turned and beckoned to him. He responded by hurrying forward, his eavesdropping having forewarned him of the situation.

  "That can wait, Grimble," the king interrupted. "There are more pressing matters which command our magician's attention."

  "You need only command, Your Majesty," I said, bowing grandly.

  "Fine," the king beamed. "Then report to General Badaxe immediately for your briefing."

  "Briefing about what?" I asked, genuinely puzzled.

  "Why, your briefing about the invading army, of course," the king replied.

  An alarm gong went off in the back of my mind.

  "Invading army?" I blurted, forgetting my rehearsed pompous tones. "What invading army?"

  "The one which even now approaches our borders," the chancellor supplied. "Why else would we suddenly need a magician?"

  Chapter Seven

  "Numerical superiority is of no consequence. In battle, victory will go to the best tactician."

  -G.A. CUSTER

  "Cushy job, he said! Chance to practice, he said! Piece of cake, he said!"

  "Simmer down, kid!" Aahz growled.

  "Simmer down? Aahz, weren't you listening? I'm supposed to stop an army! Me!"

  "It could be worse," Aahz insisted.

  "How?" I asked bluntly.

  "You could be doing it without me," he replied. "Think about it."

  I did, and cooled down immediately. Even though my association with Aahz seemed to land me in an inordinate amount of trouble, he had also been unfailing in his ability to get me out . . . so far. The last thing I wanted to do was drive him away just when I needed him the most.

  "What am I going to do, Aahz?" I moaned.

  "Since you ask"-Aahz smiled-"my -advice would be to not panic until we get the whole story.

  Remember, there are armies and there are armies. For all we know, this one might be weak enough for us to beat fair and square."

  "And if it isn't?" I asked skeptically.

  "We'll burn that bridge when we come to it," Aahz sighed. "First, let's hear what old Badaxe has to say."

  Not being able to think of anything to say in reply to that, I didn't. Instead, I kept pace with my mentor in gloomy silence as we followed the chancellor's directions through the corridors of the palace.

  It would have been easier to accept the offered guide to lead us to our destination, but I had been more than a little eager to speak with Aahz privately. Consequently, we had left Buttercup and Gleep in the courtyard with our equipment and were seeking out the general's chambers on our own.

  The palace was honeycombed with corridors to the point where I wondered if there weren't more corridors than rooms. Our trek was made even more difficult by the light, or lack thereof. Though there were numerous mountings for torches set in the walls, it seemed only about one out of every four was being used, and the light shed by those torches was less than adequate for accurate navigation of the labyrinth.

  I commented on this to Aahz as further proof of the tightfisted nature of the kingdom. His curt response was that the more money they saved on overhead and maintenance, the more they would have to splurge on luxuries . . . like us.

  He was doggedly trying to explain the concept of an "energy crisis" to me, when we rounded a corner and sighted the general's quarters.

  They were fairly easy to distinguish, since this was the only door we had encountered which was bracketed by a pair of snatching honor guards. Their polished armor gleamed from broad shoulders as they observed our approach through narrowed eyes.

  "Are these the quarters of General Badaxe?" I inquired politely.

  "Are you the magician called Skeeve?" the guard challenged back.

  "The kid asked you a question, soldier!" Aahz interceded. "Now are you going to answer or are you so dumb you don't know what's on the other side of the door you're guarding?"

  The guard flushed bright red, and I noticed his partner's knuckles whitening on the pike he was gripping. It occurred to me that now that I had landed the magician's job, it might not be the wisest course to continue antagonizing the military.

  "Um, Aahz . . ." I murmured.

  "Yes! These are the quarters of General Badaxe . . . sir!" the guard barked suddenly.

  Apparently the mention of my colleague's name had confirmed my identity, though I wondered how many strangers could be wandering the halls accompanied by large scaly demons. The final, painful, "sir" was a tribute to my performance in the courtyard. Apparently the guards had been instructed to be polite, at least t
o me, no matter how much it hurt . . . which it obviously did.

  "Thank you, guard," I said loftily, and hammered on the door with my fist.

  "Further," the guard observed, "the general left word that you were to go right in."

  The fact that he had withheld that bit of information until after I had knocked indicated that the guards hadn't completely abandoned their low regard for magicians. They were simply finding more subtle ways of being annoying.

  I realized Aahz was getting ready to start a new round with the guard, so I hastily opened the door and entered, forcing him to follow.

  The general was standing at the window, silhouetted by the light streaming in from outside. As we entered he turned to face us.

  "Ah! Come in, gentlemen," he boomed in a mellow tone. "I've been expecting you. Do make yourselves comfortable. Help yourselves to the wine if you wish."

  I found his sudden display of friendliness even more disquieting than his earlier show of hostility. Aahz, however, took it all in stride, immediately taking up the indicated jug of wine. For a moment I thought he was going to pour a bit of it into one of the goblets which shared the tray with the jug and pass it to me. Instead, he took a deep drink directly from the jug and kept it, licking his lips in appreciation. In the midst of the chaos my life had suddenly become, it was nice to know some things remained constant.

  The general frowned at the display for a moment, then forced his features back into the jovial expression he had first greeted us with.

  "Before we begin the briefing," he smiled, "I must apologize for my rude behavior during the interview. Grimble and I have . . . differed in our opinions on the existing situation, and I'm afraid I took it out on you. For that I extend my regrets. Ordinarily, I would have nothing against magicians as a group, or you specifically. "

  "Whoa! Back up a minute, General," Aahz interrupted. "How does your feud with the chancellor involve us?"

  The general's eyes glittered with a fierceness that belied the gentility of his oration.

  "It's an extension of our old argument concerning allocation of funds," he said. "When news reached us of the approaching force, my advice to the king was to immediately strengthen our own army that we might adequately perform our sworn duty of defending the realm."