In Praise of Indecency

by Paul Krassner

  Boss Trucker: “Galleries feature mature, old school drivers in the buff. The men shown in Hobofoot websites are older, seasoned men. And before anybody gets their panties in a bunch, we do not place truckers and hobos in the same category. The majority of truckers we meet are very clean, professional men.”

  Black Eye Saloon: “This is the first gallery originally called ‘Hoboboot.’ This unique website features real hobos, veteran rail riders, hardened, modern day pirates and attractive road tramps.... Hi-res photos so close you can almost smell ‘em.”

  Tough Nuts: “More old outlaws and drifter types spread out nekkid for the connoisseur.”

  Smegmen: “The latest website added to the Hobofoot web. More hi-res images of naked old tramps and rough cut vagabonds, close enough to breathe deep.”

  Silver Whisker Saloon: “Eighteen galleries of senior men 50+, bare buck nekkid and in living color. Handsome, naked old cowboys and silver daddies.”

  Rough Trade Male: “The best collection of older, hard black men online. Raunchy sex, body worship, full sexual servitude of ebony masters.”

  Sgt. Daddy’s Men: “A big ass picture of older men, bears and masculine senior men.”

  I had started out wanting to satisfy my curiosity about the sex life of a hobo, and I ended up being reminded of the law of supply and demand. These characters weren’t exactly what I was searching for. As Judy McGuire informed her reader, Hobo-sexual “didn’t have the hygienic, muscular hotties you describe. [Those] peppering this site were on the opposite end of the spectrum from the soot-smudged pretty boys you discovered. These guys appeared to be the real deal: of a certain age (though hard living can age a fella, so who knows), sporting crusty rolls of fat and unkempt clumps of back hair (no manscaping here!). Obviously my computer doesn’t come equipped with odorama, but if looks could smell, I’m willing to bet their aroma was fairly funkified.

  “Since I didn’t see any poverty-stricken pussy on any of the site’s free pages (and wasn’t about to enter my credit card info to dig deeper), I’m assuming this particular site caters to men who love men. So I set out to find something for the straight boys. Not shockingly, I couldn’t find a single example of this smut geared toward women, straight or gay. (Probably because most of us have already dated musicians.) I thought I’d hit pay dirt when I stumbled across a calendar featuring homeless dames, but it turned out to be a charity project for some church. (Save yourself the trouble—the ladies depicted were all fully clothed.) Most of what I was able to track down for the het set featured some variation on the ‘crack ho.’ Apparently skeletal broads with missing teeth and a penchant for anal are a niche market I hadn’t really been aware of. According to the website crackwhore-confessions.com, Linda, a self-professed proponent of the ‘stem fast diet,’ will ‘toss your salad, croutons and all.’ Yum.”

  So naturally I checked out that site, and found a whole slew of slovenly sluts, including:

  *A lesbian who “used to double team the Johns with her girlfriend to make the good money. While hooking she has met her share of twisted guys. Once a guy paid her $50 to chew his cock like bubble gum until he came!”

  *An 18-year-old who “tells all about the sickest requests of her dates, like a guy that has her step on his balls with high heels!”

  *Chris, who “has the honor of being the only crack whore that was featured on America’s Most Wanted and captured. In prison she learned how to make improvised strap-on dildos from her bull dyke cell mate.”

  *Miss Kitty, the Madame to a ring of crack whores, shares “some shocking stories, like the airline pilot that got strung out with her before his flights. She became a famous crack whore by making the news when she was busted with a politician!”

  *Kimmy, who “has refined her oral skills from years of experience turning tricks on the street. She is so confident in her abilities to suck off a guy that she offers a money back guarantee!”

  In their worst nightmares, not one of these poor souls had ever dreamed of becoming a crack whore, and their apparently genuine confessions are consistently and tragicomically poignant, ranging from a former beauty queen—whose escorting business backfired when her common-law husband became her employees’ best paying customer, and now she’s fighting for custody of her two children—to Sammi, whose “own mother turned her on to the street life, causing her to lose custody of her children, and then her husband left her for another man with no legs and a piss sack!”

  But here may be the most heartbreaking story of all: “Karen has pneumonia and is 8 months pregnant. She wanted dope so bad that she refused medical attention to hit the streets to score. She is a total junkie, addicted to crack and heroin. Karen is a full service whore, taking it in all three holes. The grand finale is her sucking the ass juice off my cock! It’s the first time I got a pregnant chick in the butt.” Yes, after a question-and-answer session, the anonymous interviewer does have sex with the crack whore. The interviewer of Touise reveals that, “She started by giving me head, but she was so lazy that a $5 upgrade got me pussy.”

  The women also get paid for being interviewed. The interviewer promoting Patty describes her as “a veteran crack ho, who has an insatiable oral fixation and cum is a nutritional part of her daily diet. She has been known to suck off up to 30 guys a day to keep money in her pocket. Watch this video to hear her horrid tales of street walking in the concrete jungle. This crack whore was thrilled to do this video for only $20 and a hot lunch.”

  Judy McGuire writes: “I’m not at all surprised that there’s a market for this brand of depravity. It’s about control and power—a bit like bondage and sado-masochism, but with a class/socio-economic element that takes things to a completely different level. There’s no ‘safe word’ when you’re dealing with someone who’s trapped in an alley and is weak from hunger, shaking from the cold, or sick because she desperately needs to fix herself. It’s the ultimate power play. In fact, I’m a little shocked it’s not more popular. So while I don’t think there are many among us who would find actually being penniless and living on the streets very gratifying (there but for the grace of a rent-stabilized apartment go I), there are plenty who find having the upper hand the ultimate aphrodisiac.”

  No matter what turns on any individual porn seeker, there will always be a perfect mate patiently waiting to satisfy him on the Internet.

  EATING SHIT FOR FUN AND PROFIT

  EATING SHIT FOR FUN AND PROFIT

  I am in complete awe of the democracy of the Internet, which presents an infinite menu for individual tastes and ideologies, and in this context, specifically to viewers of online porn. From golden showers to ejaculating females, from gay hunks to glittery she-males, the World Wide Web caters to virtually every imaginable kinky desire. With the privacy provided by a computer screen, you can easily worship at the fetish of your choice. But, in the process of surfing porn sites—for research purposes only, of course—I realized that I had never come across a site specializing in coprophagia. It means eating shit. Literally.

  There’s an old saying among nutritionists: “You are what you eat.” However, comedian Darryl Henriques, playing the role of a New Age swami, says, “You are what you don’t shit.”

  One of the nastiest things you can say to someone is, “Eat shit.” A nonfiction book, The Pit, revealed a strange cult in San Francisco where a group of successful businessmen were forced, along with other acts of humiliation, to eat their own shit. Ultimately, they were represented in a lawsuit by flamboyant attorney Melvin Belli.

  In 2007, the Rhode Island Journal reported that a former inmate at the Adult Correctional Institution in Providence “who accused a guard of forcing him to taste his own feces... has accepted a $120,000 settlement from the state.” The guard was being prosecuted for striking him in the head with a telephone book. “The incident involving the fecal matter is not a crime and he cannot be prosecuted for that.” And Prison Legal News reported “a case out of Texas where a federal judge held that guards putting their
feces in a prisoner’s food occasionally was not unconstitutional and he likened it to finding pebbles in beans.”

  But those are all examples of involuntary shit eating, and what we’re talking about here is the voluntary kind. For many years I heard stories that comic actor Danny Thomas, the star of Make Room For Daddy, was a coprophagiac. The reference was even infiltrated into a roast of Chevy Chase. “How about that new Saturday Night Live book,” said musician Paul Shaffer. “They were pretty rough on Chevy. I haven’t seen anybody eat that much shit since the biography of Danny Thomas.”

  I had assumed that this was all just another urban legend until I bumped into an old friend who was now working as a call girl in Hollywood. Over lunch, she mentioned the names of some of her celebrity clients, including Danny Thomas. She told me how he had hired her to save her solid waste in her panties so that he could rub the panties on his face and gobble up her shit as though it were cotton candy.

  When he finished, he would wash himself thoroughly, then pay her, and, as if coming out of a trance, he’d say, “Where was I?” He was trying to distance himself from what he had just done. Instant denial. Since then, I have believed that Danny Thomas’s fundraising for Saint Jude’s Hospital was really for the purpose of having secret access to their used bedpans.

  Anyway, I googled “Eating Shit.” Topping the list was “Shit Eating Grins: In Defense of Adam Sandler, South Park and the Proud Tradition of Poop Humor”—an article in Salon.com. But sure enough, I was soon led to hard-core shit-eating sites, which I found totally disgusting yet absolutely riveting. You may not want to read any further, but we both know you will.

  There are photos of beautiful women shitting; if you click for a close-up you can spot a yellow kernel of corn in one big brown chunk-o’-shit. Women are spreading shit all over their naked bodies and inside their vaginas. A pair of lovely lesbians are eating handfuls of shit, then tongue kissing each other. Two women are eating the same lengthy turd, starting from opposite ends. A woman, fully dressed, wearing a mini-skirt, is shitting as she walks along the sidewalk. One woman is shitting into another woman’s mouth. Mmmm, good to the last dingleberry.

  Among the shit-eating sites, there are Asian movies. Here’s a couple of descriptions: “A bunch of kinky Japanese guys find some truly hot looking girls and take them down below the streets of Tokyo into a real sewer full of shit.” And, “Cute Kyoko’s diarrhea suddenly acts up again. Her piano teacher becomes a willing student of hot scat games. Lots of shit pours out of her hot ass into his waiting mouth. Then she asks if he would rub it all over her. Sure, why not, he says.”

  If there is one particular image that remains in my mind’s eye, it is of an innocent looking, attractive teenager—she’s over eighteen, of course—and she is cheerfully drinking a shit-shake through a straw from an old-fashioned malted milk glass.

  I thought about her father discovering that photo in cyberspace, yet he is unable to confront his daughter about it because he would then have to admit what he was doing at that site. I mean, this isn’t exactly the type of thing that would be mass e-mailed by one of those selfless spammers. And even if the father did confess to his daughter, he would undoubtedly hesitate to ask if he could eat her shit, because that could be considered a form of incest, and you have to draw the line somewhere, right?

  There must be an especially strong bond among copropha-giacs, though, because they have experienced in common a form of liberation from a taboo that can be traced all the way back to infancy, when a parent would cringe and say, “Stop! Don’t eat that! I said no!"

  Who knows, some day coprophagia might even become a religion?

  Holy shit!

  PORN DOGS

  PORN DOGS

  Andrea Nemerson, who writes an alternate sex column for the San Francisco Bay Guardian, published this letter from a reader: “I know this woman, and she has a fetish with bringing dead animals into the bedroom. She likes to dress up in a pink bunny suit and hop around. Then, with the dead animals, she tries to insert them anally. She tickles her cooch with the animals’ tails and then cuts them open and feeds on the spleen and liver.”

  Okay, that particular letter turned out to be a hoax. Nevertheless, bestiality fetishes have become quite chic these days. There are websites that feature “slutty chicks” fondling, fucking and sucking horses, snakes, cows, dogs, monkeys, sheep, donkeys, goats, pigs, and occasionally necking with a giraffe or humping a camel. Unlike regular commercial movies shown in theaters, Internet pom doesn’t include any such disclaimers as “No animals were harmed during the making of this film.”

  There are no overseers from the American Humane Society. Nor are there any complaints from PETA (People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals).

  But in Japan, when it comes to professional porn animals, it’s a different story, or rather, let’s say it’s a horse of another color. In fact, many Japanese porn actresses have been complaining that they only make half the wages of their canine co-stars, who acquire an average of 200,000 yen per movie. In America, an owner might get paid off, but the animals themselves earn nothing except maybe a few extra Dog Yummies.

  In Japan, the so-called Butter Dogs are very popular. That name is derived from the spreading of butter on the labia of their mistresses before the great licking scenes. One porn flick, Butter Dog Story DX, featured a dog performing orally on eight women. Labrador Retrievers are a favorite because of their obedient nature and their popularity throughout Japan.

  “It is not like we breed them to be Butter Dogs,” explained a spokesperson for Alpha International, the company that produced Butter Dog Story DX. “We mostly use dogs from canine talent agencies. We have to have dogs that are used to being around humans, as well as movie studios. By the way, it is not butter that we lather over the women any more, either. We use non-sugar yogurt. When we used butter, the dogs ended up getting too fat, and we were worried about their health.”

  Since few canine talent agencies want to have their clients appear in bestiality movies, producers have to exploit personal contacts in order to get the dog trainers to cooperate. According to an official at one Japanese canine talent agency, “There is no real special training for the Butter Dogs. The most important thing is their nature. Basically, we want dogs that are friendly toward humans and that are obedient. It’s important that they don’t bark. We do train them not to bark unnecessarily. We also teach them not to bark if they’re touched by somebody other than their trainer. These conditions do not apply just for the adult movie world, but for any dog that’s going to appear on screen.”

  Japan’s most prolific director of bestiality movies, Sukeo Yamane, points out that Butter Dogs pose certain production problems. “It’s only natural,” he says, “that everybody is a bit worried about diseases when it comes to dogs, even if they’re pets. But I’ve never experienced any sort of illness related problems. Trainers would make sure they never delivered us an infected dog. In fact, trainers are more likely to be worried if the actresses have got a venereal disease. You hear stories of actors being infected by actresses. That’s why we always make sure we only choose girls who are clean. Unlike humans, you can’t put a condom on the dogs because they hate them.”

  It has been determined—and believe me, I have no idea how it was determined—that dogs’ lives are shortened if they ejaculate too many times. Tabrador Retrievers usually live for about ten years, but if they’ve appeared in porn flicks (in which dogs are legally allowed to be under eighteen years old), their lifespan is generally cut in half. That’s why responsible canine talent agencies insist that their dogs be permitted to ejaculate only once per day while shooting a porn flick. “Sometimes,” admitted one director, “it takes a full day to do a shoot. Just like humans, dogs aren’t always able to rise when they want to, so we can be stuck around waiting for hours at a time until the pooch is properly aroused. It’s hard to arouse a dog when it’s not in heat. That is why we sometimes start a shoot early in the morning and do not finish
it until the middle of the night".

  But, hey, wouldn’t you think that they’d have available on the set a fluffer for Fluffy?

  “I FUCK DEAD PEOPLE”

  “I FUCK DEAD PEOPLE”

  You don’t see any porn sites that feature intercourse with corpses, and if you do, how do you know they’re really dead? But, say what you will about California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, you have to give him credit for signing a bill to forbid necrophilia. Under the new law, sex with a corpse is now a felony punishable by up to eight years in prison.

  Age is no barrier. The state’s first attempt to outlaw necrophilia—in response to a case of a man charged with having sex with the corpse of a four-year-old girl in Southern California—stalled in a legislative committee, but the bill was revived after an unsuccessful prosecution of a man who was found in a San Francisco funeral home, passed out on top of an elderly woman’s corpse.

  Necrophiliacs have been getting away with it all this time, but district attorneys will no longer be stymied by the lack of an official ban. According to Tyler Ochoa, a professor at Santa Clara University of Law who has studied California cases involving allegations of necrophilia, “Prosecutors didn’t have anything to charge these people with other than breaking and entering. But if they worked in a mortuary in the first place, prosecutors couldn’t even charge them with that.”

  Whether necrophilia is a victimless crime may still be open to debate. Nevertheless, claiming that the act was consensual will not be considered as a legal defense. It should be noted that the necrophilia community ranges from those who are monogamous and stick with one partner for a lifetime, to those who are promiscuous and hop from casket to casket.