by Anne Fraser
‘Oh, my God,’ Colleen cried. ‘I’m so sorry.’ She dabbed at his jacket with a paper serviette she’d retrieved from the floor, but that only made matters worse. Daniel looked as if he’d been in a bun fight. ‘I’m such a clumsy idiot. Now you’ll be late!’
Daniel was looking down in horror at his suit. Colleen waited for the explosion that was bound to come, but to her surprise he laughed.
‘Hell, Colleen, do you think so little of me that you expect me to lose my cool over an accident? I’m just happy to know that Little Miss Perfect isn’t so perfect after all.’ His hand reached out and removed something from her cheek. ‘I have to admit a little chocolate cake makes you seem more human.’
Colleen felt the colour rise in her cheeks, but then she saw the funny side of it, too. ‘And I have to say, you look pretty good in chocolate cake, yourself.’ There was a roar in her ears as she realised what she’d said. ‘I mean—you look less severe…’ Oh dear that wasn’t what she meant to say either. ‘I mean more…relaxed.’ Maybe she should just stop talking. The problem was, or so her brothers were forever telling her, she never knew when to hold her tongue. ‘It’s just that sometimes you look…so scary, you frighten me, never mind Harry.’
The smile left his face. ‘I frighten you? I frighten my son?’ he growled. He actually growled. If he could hear himself, he would know why she found him scary.
‘What I mean is, I wouldn’t like to be on the opposing side to you in court. I bet you freeze witnesses with one look from those shockingly green eyes.’
He looked perplexed, but at least the gathering storm clouds on his face seemed to have gone. ‘You think my eyes are shockingly green?’
Shut up, Colleen! she tried to tell the one part of herself that was still working—her brain. Just stop talking and get the hell away from him as fast as your legs will carry you. ‘I don’t mean shocking in a bad way. They’re such an unusual shade of green I—one can’t help looking at them.’
A small smile was playing around Daniel’s mouth and those interesting green eyes crinkled at the corners. Colleen’s heart was thumping against her ribs. Forget the bit about her brain working. It had packed up and gone on a permanent holiday. Was she doomed to say the wrong thing to this man?
‘I take that back about you being a lawyer,’ Daniel said, stepping closer to her. ‘A lawyer needs to be precise. Now what exactly do you mean about my eyes?’ He was so close she could make out the faint smell of toothpaste on his breath, his aftershave, his own distinct male scent. She thought if anyone was watching they would see her ribs moving from the impact of her heart beating against them. Now, she couldn’t think of anything to say. The truth was, she didn’t know whether she had any breath left to speak with.
At that moment Burton appeared by the door. ‘Your car is waiting, sir,’ he said in his sonorous voice.
Daniel smiled. ‘We’ll finish this conversation later,’ he said to Colleen. ‘I’ll be back in a minute, Burton. I just have to change my suit.’ And then he turned and ran upstairs, leaving Colleen wondering what had just happened.
The next morning, Colleen was with Harry in his room. She had finished putting him through the first set of passive movements of the day and was tidying up, keeping up a flow of chat to Harry, when there was a knock on the door. Daniel came in and greeted his son with a smile.
He held out a DVD. ‘Look, Harry, I managed to get a copy of the 2003 rugby world cup in Australia—you know the one England won? I thought we could watch it together.’
Colleen hid a delighted smile. She wasn’t sure that Daniel wasn’t the one who really wanted to watch the match, but at least he’d taken her words last night to heart.
And then something happened that made her heart crash against her ribs. Harry was making a sound. It was indistinct, but he was clearly trying to speak. He hadn’t spoken since the day they’d collected him from hospital. There it was again. ‘Mu…’
‘What is it, Harry?’ she asked.
She sat down on one side of the bed while Daniel took the other.
‘Mum?’ This time the word was recognisable, as was the rising inflection. Clearly Harry wanted to know where his mother was. Colleen glanced at Daniel. His expression was frozen.
Daniel took his son’s hand in his. ‘Harry…’ he started, before glancing helplessly at Colleen. She nodded at him. This was the moment they had all been dreading. But it was Daniel’s place to tell Harry about his mother. She took Harry’s other hand in hers and squeezed. ‘Harry, your father has something to tell you. You’re going to have to be very brave.’
‘Mum,’ Harry said again. There was no mistaking the panic in his voice.
‘Harry,’ Daniel started again, his voice firmer this time, ‘you were in a car accident. On the way home from boarding school. Do you remember?’
There was a slight movement of Harry’s head. ‘No.’ His voice was hoarse from lack of use. Colleen knew for certain though that he understood the question.
‘Mum,’ he said again. He was becoming increasingly agitated.
‘Your mother was badly hurt in the same accident, Harry,’ Daniel said. ‘The ambulance took her to hospital. I’m afraid her injuries were too bad. She never woke up.’
Harry’s eyes filled with understanding and fear. Daniel moved so that he was lying on the bed next to his son. He put his arms around his child and pulled him close. ‘I’m sorry, Harry. Your mother is dead.’
Colleen ached for the misery she saw in Harry’s eyes.
‘No…no…no,’ he said over and over. ‘Mum. Want Mum.’
As Daniel’s arms tightened around him, the boy struggled weakly in his arms. Harry’s eyes clung to Colleen’s in desperation. ‘Dad go,’ he said. ‘Not Dad. Mum. Colleen, make him go away.’
‘I think you should leave,’ Colleen said to Daniel. The pain she saw in his face made her flinch. ‘I’ll stay with Harry.’
Daniel stumbled to his feet. Tears were rolling down Harry’s cheeks. He was turning his head from side to side, still intoning the word ‘no’ as if he could change what he’d been told.
Daniel stood in the centre of the room as if rooted to the spot. She could see he was torn between wanting to comfort his son and doing as Harry demanded. She stood quickly and gave Daniel a gentle shove towards the door. ‘Go now,’ she said. ‘I’ll look after Harry. I’ll come and find you as soon as he settles.’
With a last despairing look at his grieving son, Daniel left them alone.
* * *
When Harry was settled and sleeping, Colleen went in search of Daniel. She looked everywhere to no avail. Finally she made her way to the kitchen. Burton might know where he was.
But to her surprise, Daniel was in the kitchen, nursing a cup of black coffee. Dora was also there, having arrived from Dorset yesterday.
‘How is he?’ Dora asked.
‘He’s sleeping now,’ Colleen said. ‘He was very upset. It will take time for him to get used to the idea his mother has gone. We should be prepared for some difficult days ahead.’ She looked at Daniel and her heart melted. He looked so stricken, so much at a loss. His son’s rejection must have cost him a great deal.
Dora got to her feet. ‘I’ll go and sit with him, shall I?’
‘That would be good, thank you, Dora. Please call me immediately if he wakes up.’
She waited until Dora had left the room.
‘Daniel…’ she started, ‘don’t take Harry’s reaction too much to heart. I—’
But before she could complete the words Daniel had jumped to his feet.
‘Don’t take what too much to heart, exactly? You mean I shouldn’t be upset that my son can’t bear the sight of me. That he probably blames me for his mother’s death.’ His green eyes were cold. ‘And he’d be right. Is that what you want to hear? Eleanor asked me to pick him up to bring him to Dorset, but I said no. I had an important meeting.’ He laughed and the mirthless sound sent a chill down Colleen’s spine. ‘What kind of man
would put his work before his only child? If I had collected Harry as Eleanor had asked, the accident would never have happened. At the very least Harry would still have his mother.’
‘Daniel.’ Colleen couldn’t help herself. She stepped forwards and placed a hand on his arm, but he shook her off, looking at her as if she repelled him.
‘I don’t want or need your sympathy,’ he said roughly.
‘Then for God’s sake, stop blaming yourself!’ Colleen retorted. ‘That boy, your son, is going to need you more than ever in the coming days and weeks. He’s lost his mother and he needs time to come to terms with it.’ She took a breath and softened her voice. ‘He’s angry with the world and he’s directing it at you—and can you blame him? All he has right now is a father he hardly knows. The last thing he needs is for you to withdraw.’ Colleen felt her voice crack. The scene upstairs had taken its toll on her, too. Every time she thought she was beginning to understand Daniel, he did or said something that threw her. Last night Daniel had made it clear how much he cared about Harry and she didn’t doubt him for a second, but he had to realise it would take Harry time to know how much Daniel loved him. She opened her mouth to apologise, but Daniel had turned on his heel.
‘I’m going out,’ he said and, without a glance at her, he stormed out of the room.
* * *
Later that night, after Harry was sleeping in the care of the night nurse, Colleen paced her room. She felt restless and ill at ease. She wasn’t handling the situation with Daniel at all well. She was letting him rattle her time and time again. It seemed she could barely be in the room with Daniel for ten minutes and they were sparking against each other.
She opened her window and the sounds of late-night traffic and the laughter of couples returning from a night on the town drifted on the still night air. Suddenly she was almost overcome by a yearning to be back in the clear air and peace of County Wicklow.
But not with Ciaran.
The realisation chilled her. She loved Ciaran, but she wasn’t in love with him and she couldn’t marry him. Trish had been right all along. The way she felt about Ciaran was the same way she would feel if he was her brother. She felt more alive after seconds in Daniel’s company than she’d ever felt in Ciaran’s. Not that she was falling for Daniel. No way. No one in their right mind would fall for that pig-headed, opinionated, arrogant, interesting, exciting…Whoa there, she told herself, sternly. Just because you’ve decided not to marry Ciaran doesn’t mean you fancy another man. Any feelings she had for Daniel were purely because she’d allowed herself to become so wrapped up in Harry—so wrapped up in Harry and Daniel, the voice whispered back—and their pain that she just wasn’t thinking straight. But she’d never reacted to any of the other fathers like this, even when she’d been totally involved with their child.
Now she’d made up her mind she couldn’t marry Ciaran, she had to let him know as soon as possible. She would have to go back to Ireland this weekend. Her heart ached for the pain she was about to cause him, but if she married him without truly loving him, that would be so much worse.
A tear trickled down her cheek and she closed the window with a decisive click. She was over-tired and over-emotional, that was all. She needed to get some sleep. Tomorrow was bound to be another difficult day. Perhaps some warm milk would help.
She pulled her dressing gown over her pyjamas, shoved her feet into her slippers and let herself out of her room. Apart from the light from Harry’s night light that seeped from under his door, the house was in darkness. She popped her head around his door. He was sleeping soundly, with Sheena, the night nurse, in a chair beside his bed.
‘Would you like anything from the kitchen, Sheena?’ Colleen asked.
‘No, thank you, love. Dora brought me some tea a little while ago.’
* * *
But instead of finding the kitchen empty, Colleen was dismayed to find Daniel sitting at the kitchen table, his long legs stretched out in front of him. He was so still that at first Colleen thought he was asleep. The kitchen was lit by a single table lamp at the far end of the room, casting Daniel’s face in shadows. She was about to slip away when his voice came out of the semi-darkness.
‘Couldn’t sleep either?’
‘I thought I’d make myself some warm milk,’ Colleen said, ‘but I’ll leave you in peace.’
‘Warm milk?’ His voice was amused. ‘Who still drinks warm milk?’ He gestured towards her with a tumbler of amber liquid. ‘Wouldn’t you rather have some whisky? I find it works better.’
She wondered if he was a little drunk. At least he no longer seemed angry with her.
‘No, thank you,’ she said. ‘Can’t abide the stuff.’
‘I’m sure there’s some wine around here, if you’d prefer.’ He waved his glass in the general direction of the room. ‘Or I can ring for Burton to bring us some.’
‘Don’t be daft,’ Colleen said. ‘It’s after one in the morning. Let the man have his sleep.’
Daniel’s teeth flashed. ‘Okay, warm milk it is.’ He got to his feet and looked around the room. ‘I’m sure there’s a pan around here somewhere.’
‘I should go,’ Colleen said.
‘For God’s sake, woman. Stay. I’m not going to bite you. Anyway, it’s me who should be more nervous than you. God knows what you’re going to accuse me of next.’
‘I’m sorry about earlier and the other night,’ Colleen said. ‘I shouldn’t have snapped at you. You’ve enough on your plate.’
‘Well, Nurse Colleen, to be honest I’ve had enough of people agreeing with me. It makes a pleasant change to have someone tell me what’s really on their mind.’
She couldn’t tell from the tone of his voice or his expression whether he was teasing her or meant what he said. She decided to take his words at face value. Otherwise there was the danger they would get into another undignified slanging match.
Daniel was opening cupboards at random, muttering under his breath when each one failed to reveal what he was looking for.
‘Grief, Daniel. Don’t tell me you’ve never cooked yourself anything in this kitchen before.’ But weren’t her brothers just the same? The minute they entered their mother’s kitchen it was as if they lost the use of their arms and legs. Colleen took a mug from the top of the dresser where they were displayed for anyone to see.
‘This and the microwave will do fine,’ she said.
‘Microwave? Do you think Dora would allow such a thing in her kitchen?’ Daniel widened his eyes in mock dismay. Then suddenly the tension was broken.
‘Sit down,’ Colleen told Daniel. ‘I’ll do it. Would you like some, too?’
He peered at his whisky glass as if surprised to find it empty. He reached across the table and grasped the neck of the bottle sitting there. ‘I think I’ll stick with this if it’s all the same to you.’
Colleen watched anxiously as he poured himself a hefty measure and slugged it back in one go. A sober Daniel was difficult enough to deal with, but an inebriated one? As he reached for the whisky bottle again she whisked it away. ‘I think you’ve had enough, don’t you?’
He eyed her balefully. ‘Did anyone ever tell you that you’re a bossy woman?’
‘Many times,’ Colleen said lightly. ‘And I’ve been called worse things than that, too.’
‘Can’t imagine why,’ Daniel said drily. He sat up in his chair. ‘You know, I find myself wanting to know more about Colleen McCulloch. The woman, that is, not the nurse. That’s fair, isn’t it? After all, you know all my sordid little secrets.’
Colleen emptied some milk into a saucepan and placed it on the stove to heat. ‘I wouldn’t call your secrets sordid,’ she said. ‘You’re no different to thousands of parents. People get caught up and fail to recognise what’s important. I guess it happens to us all at some time or another.’
He leaned back in his chair. ‘Letting me off the hook, then? Somehow I can’t imagine you failing to recognise what’s important. Too perfect for
a start.’
Her perfect? She wished! And certainly not recently. A perfect person would never have behaved towards Daniel the way she had earlier. A perfect person would never have got into the mess she had with Ciaran. A perfect person would never have become engaged simply because it seemed the easiest thing to do and their families wanted it. The truth was that was exactly what had happened and now she was going to have to do something about it and hurt someone she loved in the process. Because although she wasn’t in love with Ciaran, she did care about him. No. She knew only too well she was far from perfect.
‘I don’t think my brothers would agree with you,’ she said. ‘They always claimed that Daddy let me get away with murder.’
She took her drink and sat down opposite Daniel.
‘Tell me about your family,’ he said. ‘I’d really like to know.’
Reluctant to spoil the easy atmosphere, Colleen refrained from reminding him that he’d already looked into her family. But knowing how many siblings she had and what they did, or did not do, for a living was one thing. Knowing what it was like to be part of a noisy, argumentative but loving household, another. She could only imagine how chaotic her family would seem to Daniel if he ever met them. Which, of course, was extremely unlikely to happen.
‘Mammy and Dad always owned a farm,’ she said. ‘At first they farmed livestock—cattle, sheep, that sort of thing—then Daddy decided that horses were the way to go. He sold off all the livestock and invested in a few brood mares. I suspect he thought that horse breeding was more lucrative somehow than cattle. He always hoped to make his fortune, you see. And that was unlikely to happen with a large family and with the prices of livestock falling all the time.’
‘Were you poor?’ Daniel asked.
Colleen laughed. ‘That depends on what you mean by poor. I guess by your standards we were. At least in monetary terms, but in everything else, no, I always felt rich.’
