My Muted Love (Muted Hoplessness Book 1)

by Love Belvin

  “I know,” she groaned.

  “What am I supposed to do now?”

  “I’m figuring it out. I called Cut—”

  “Cut? Why?”

  “Because you need money, Tori!” she yelled.

  “You still shouldn’t’ve done that, Ma!”

  His ass abandoned me!

  “He said he gonna get back to me tomorrow. But your aunt, Sonya, gone send you fifty dollars in the morning. That should get you something.”

  “That ain’t enough for sneakers.”

  “Times is hard, KaToria! It ain’t always about the finer things in life!”

  “Ma! Did you hear me? My only pair of sneakers stink! I have a hole in my sole. It rained tonight and water got all in my shoes!” I groaned so hard, my throat felt like it was on fire.

  She knew I didn’t buy clothes and shoes. I didn’t ask for much other than food. That money was mine to take care of me. I had basic needs unmet.

  “Well, walk to a MoneyGram in the morning.”

  “I’m in the middle of a big campus, Ma. I can’t walk off of it. Everything’s far.”

  “Well, bum a ride. Damn! Shit!” she snapped again.

  I wanted to tell her that was almost as impossible as walking because I didn’t have friends. Wanted to tell her I was coming home as soon as I could arrange the flight because the humans here were just as bad, if not worse, than those in Millville. I didn’t say any of those things because she didn’t get it. She never got me. And the truth of the matter was, many of my problems with folks at home came from my mother. Here, at Blakewood, the kids hated me for reasons that had nothing to do with her. That revelation reminded me of something important. I’d gotten away from her. I was now on my own, free to create a life for myself, hopefully drama-free. I had no clue how I’d do it, but trying had to be better than what I was feeling when dealing with her.

  “Okay, Ma. I’mma go to bed now.” I swallowed back bitter words. “You should, too.”

  “Get there early!” she shouted as though I was closing the door on her.

  “Bye, Ma.”

  I did. I hung up determined to give Blakewood another try.

  Half the sky was black and the other orange as the sun rose over the mountains. I cranked up the volume on my iPod, preparing to hit the track. Damn… I loved it out here first thing in the morning. This was the old track and field team’s official running grounds. Two years ago, BSU finished the construction on a newer and larger field on the other side of the athletic campus. I had no idea what they’d do with this one, but until they did, I’d come for my runs. It was always vacant and clean. Almost as though only the grounds people and I remembered it existed.

  A hard hand pat at the back of my shoulder scared the living shit out of me. I snatched off my headphones as I leaped into the air. Just when I was prepared to cuss Al, Dre, or whichever one of my boys with the balls to sneak up on me the fuck out, the girl, Tori, was there resting her weight on one hip with crossed arms.

  “The fuck!” I yelped.

  “Tell me you’re not inviting me out here just to clown me with your friends as some type of set up.” She waited with a balled mouth and hiked brows.

  Invite?

  Shit! I forgot she existed, much less I had invited her out here to appease Jones and that fucking pain in the ass, Trisha Gaskin.

  I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. Going for my iPod to hit pause, I exhaled, bringing my mind back to yesterday. “I have no idea who or what you think my friends and I are about, but I can swear to you, on everything I have, we have better things to do than to fuck with a freshman.”

  Tori glanced around over each of her shoulders. “So you mean to tell me, they’re not behind the bleachers or the fence over there, ready to laugh at the hole in my sneaker?”

  A hard scoff left my nostrils. “Hell no!” She was bugging. “And what hole?” That was impossible…until she lifted her left foot and pulled on the sole, exposing the white of her sock. “Damn. You need kicks ASAP. I don’t have time to wait for you to get some either. I’ve got weights in an hour, then practice, then therapy.”

  Tori rolled her eyes beneath the brim of her weathered Connecticut Kings baseball cap. “I’m good in these for this run.”

  “It’s not just a run I do, but if you insist…” I shrugged.

  “I haven’t agreed to doing this with you.” She continued with her misgivings. “Tell me why you had a change of heart about me.”

  I shrugged again, pivoting to keep from laughing. “I told you. Your A.A.D. ratted me out to her boss, the head of the athletics program, after you ratted me out to her.”

  Tori shook her head, eyes blinking. “I never ratted you out to anyone. I told you: ain’t nobody doing nothing to me on this campus for me to be scared.”

  I chuckled, scratching my head to exercise patience. “Well, that’s how it played out to me.”

  “I only told her I was ready to go home because I don’t fit in here. Besides that…” She shook her head, palm in the air. “You’re the biggest man on this campus. I don’t see you tucking your tail for anyone. I heard how the whole staff bows down to you.”

  I nodded. Even though she was wrong, she had a point. “Okay. What do you want from me?”

  “I want the real reason why you invited me to do this.”

  I rubbed my chin. Then a thought occurred. “Okay.” I nodded, inspired. “I’ll tell you what gave me a change of heart if you tell me something.”

  She dropped her arms and dipped her chin. “What?”

  “Why you left Trisha at Applebee’s last night.”

  Her eyes fell away and she took in a deep breath. “Deal. You first.”

  “Me?” My forehead stretched. Tori nodded, and I tried not to laugh. “Okay. My change of heart came last night at dinner, in town. A friend of mine gave me incredible news about their health.” I nodded, feeling those few words landed anticlimactically. “It was a possible terminal diagnosis, but with responsive treatment, it was defeated. It reminded me of what really matters in life—or in this case, what doesn’t. I’ve had a rough start to the semester.

  “My cousin’s been locked up since this summer on some police corruption bullshit. We’ve been supporting him as much as possible, but have no control behind those barbed wires. I live for his calls just to hear he’s okay until they move his case along. So, that diagnosis and major family issues were bits of it. I took it out on you when I saw you, but it was nothing more than that. Your turn.”

  She widened her legs and crossed her arms protectively. “What?”

  “Why did you leave dinner with Trisha like that? What did she do to piss you the fuck off?”

  Tori rolled her eyes. “It wasn’t Trisha.” She stalled for a moment. “It was her friend.”

  Friend?

  I was confused until I remembered the lesbo outside with Trisha.

  “What happened with her friend?”

  “She tried to…” Her face whipped away, nostrils expanded. Tori struggled with her words. “Her friend thought I was something I’m not.”

  “Like what?”

  She shrugged, eyes swinging left to right. “I don’t know. I’m just not down with that stuff. I don’t like girls.”

  Oh…

  “Trisha let her push up on you?” Tori shook her head to the negative. “Then what happened?”

  “She tried me. That’s all. I didn’t like it, so I bounced. That’s it.”

  Okay…

  Not caring much about the girl to push her for more details, I decided to drop it. I pointed over toward the starting point of the track. “Let’s start there. Not sure how fast or long you are, but I’m here until I finish four miles, which is usually sixty minutes. You can wait or go; it’s up to you. When I’m done, I go the main gym floor for about forty-five minutes of conditioning and strengthening. After that is practice, then a massage for me. We play here at home tomorrow.” My hands swung into the air, not knowing how much m
ore to share. It’s not like she was on my team or anything. I just wanted to be less hostile to the girl.

  Without a reply, Tori took off for the starting point. I met her there, slipped my headphones on, and hit play on my iPod. Then started my clock for the time. We took off together, and naturally, she lagged behind me. I didn’t give a shit. This was my time. Sharing a track with her meant nothing to me. I released my mind to Lil’ Wayne as I glided into my run.

  The first time I thought to check my watch, I saw a shadow behind me. I was flying through the middle of the second lap. The sun was fully set, and Tori was about three meters on my ass. From my quick glance, her face was tight, mouth ajar as she pushed ahead. On a mental chuckle, I continued forward, old school Biggie blasting in my ear now.

  I felt sweat race down my face the next time I checked the time. I was on the third lap and my feet were heated. A curled body to my left on the track led my mind to register Tori, who was bent over, doing something with her foot. She must have wiped out, I figured, and locked back into my focus. On my fifth lap, Tori was stretched out on the track. I pushed ahead.

  In the middle of my seventh lap, I breezed past her moderate jog. Running was an escape for me. It allowed me to move mentally in a way I’d love to through life; in a breeze. I could focus on a thought, or not entertain any if I wanted while sprinting. Awareness did strike on lap nine when I caught Tori slowing, hurled over coughing. Mentally, I laughed again. She needed to improve on her lungs.

  Tori was back on the track for her ninth lap. She looked better, completely soaked. By lap ten, I was struggling; warring with laziness. I preserved, but slowed on my eleventh lap. My feet were swollen and chest heavy. So, I practically jogged into lap twelve. Tori basically ended with me, just as winded.

  We both ended hunched over with our hands and arms on our knees. That was until Tori barreled over and stretched out on the track mat.

  Winded my damn self, I laughed. “So you aren’t quitting?”

  Her eyes opened and narrowed. Tori’s face was stony when she finally shook her head.

  I snorted. “That could be a good thing. Flight prices are mad high now.”

  She eventually stood and we started off the field. “Oh, I wasn’t paying.” Her face was to her feet. “In my BSU package is two flights this semester, for one of the holidays.” She jerked her head. “Mine would’ve just been one way.”

  I nodded, not caring for much more small talk. “Let’s go do some conditioning and strength training in the weight room. Who’s your trainer?”

  She shrugged then stopped to take off her shoe. She bent it, manipulating the sole, then took a whiff. Her face folded something mean. But Tori didn’t complain. She put the sneaker back on. “Luke Brown.” She wheezed. “Corny guy, but I didn’t schedule with him for this morning.”

  That was odd to me, but working out with a girl was, too. We drudged to the gym. Inside, one of the training aides was crossing the foyer.

  “Hey, Todd,” I called out to him. “You know who Tori’s trainer is?”

  Tori and I stopped as he tapped into his tablet. “Luke? Yeah.”

  “Is he in this morning?” I asked.

  “Nah. Not until six tonight. But that’s her boxing trainer.”

  Okay…

  I didn’t realize that. What Todd was saying was her boxing trainer wasn’t scheduled with her this morning, so he wouldn’t be in the general gym randomly.

  “Is there a trainer available for her now?”

  “Nah. It’s okay.” Tori shook her head, body stiff. “I can hit Trisha to figure it out.”

  “Tasha could be.” He pulled out his cellphone. “Let me find her.”

  Ignoring Tori’s coolness, I nodded and pivoted to take off. “Cool. We’ll be in the main gym.” I swung my head for her to follow.

  I opened the door for her and we walked into the gym. The usual heads were there. Dre had already been at it on the TRX Row. The treadmills were almost all occupied. The elliptical machines were going. And many of the weight benches were taken.

  Mark, my trainer, approached us. “Ready, captain?” He rubbed his hands together, his playful sinister grin on display.

  “You know it.” I tossed my head to Tori, who was gazing around the gym like a wild cat. “Tori’s gonna work out with us until Tasha comes. Good with you?”

  “Oh, yeah. Come on, young lady!” He began toward the back of the gym where he already had my weight tools ready for me. “I’ve seen you around the admin offices. Right?” Tori nodded, stiff as usual. I emptied my pockets on a bench. “What’re you? Fifties?”

  “Yeah,” Tori nodded. “I guess.”

  “Yo!” I shouted over to the manager’s booth where Sam’s, the gym’s manager, booth was. “Let’s let that King of the South spit on this bitch!”

  I needed to kill the top 100 pop play happening now. Seconds later, T.I.’s “What You Know” began filling the air. Mark got me started with bench presses and Tori with push presses. Less than twenty minutes later, Tasha came through and took over with Tori. They remained in the back, where I generally worked out alone with Mark before going over to the TRX Row and other things. For the next hour and fifteen minutes, we trained hard, something I knew Tori was capable of.

  When I was done, a small crowd had gathered around Tori across the floor. She’d just finished up on mountain climber tuck jump burpees. Some of the female soccer players gathered a couple of crew members, and some of my team spent the last of their training time watching her work. She moved like a damn machine: eyes blank, face glistening, and entire body in swift coordination.

  The crowd broke when Tori was done. Tasha gave her a few words of feedback as Tori pulled that damn sneaker off again, bending it. That shit annoyed me each time she did it, so I could only imagine how much of a distraction it was for her when working out.

  I lifted my arm, pointing toward the north doors of the gym where the café was. “Protein?”

  Twisting her mouth to the side, she nodded. Again, she was hesitant, but I was believing that state of mind was her thing. We walked to the small concession and ordered our drinks. I made short conversations with a few people in passing, all while noticing Tori avoided, at all cost, looking my way. When our drinks were ready, I used my card to clear mine.

  “You have your meal card?” I asked her.

  Tori hesitated, then pulled the card from the inner pocket of her leggings. “I can use this here?”

  I snorted. “Yeah. You use it anywhere on campus that honors meal plans.”

  A burst of shouts snatched my attention. My guys were marching down the hall in one line toward the exit for the field. Al’s big ass led the way and while chanting, he made sure to growl and gesture a ferine bite to Tori before continuing to the door.

  Laughing at his stupid ass, I turned to Tori. “You good?” She nodded while rolling her eyes. “I’m gonna shower before this Research in Statistics class, and I’ll meet you back here around 1:15 for a massage.” I backed away, keeping in mind the time. “I’ll have you scheduled.”

  Tori performed the faintest nod before I took off.

  6

  -Then-

  As I left class, confused as hell about complex compounds, I stopped at the opening of the entrance of the science building.

  “Yo, sir?” The call got my attention, weird enough. I rolled my eyes when I saw Al strolling past with his arm around a girl whose head he held close to his. “Spencer’s looking for you in the gym.”

  My face tightened, confused. Didn’t I tell him I had class? Why would he be looking for me? We’d worked out already for the day.

  “I just left him after showers.” Al barked back, not breaking his stride with the girl.

  I sighed, hoping this wasn’t what I had to look forward to now that I’d only agreed to working out with him. Something I hadn’t exactly committed to, but was feeling out since he seemed to be trying to be nice. I didn’t trust these Blakewood humans. A little annoyed, I took
the campus jitney to the athletic compound. Once there, I headed straight to the main gym. I didn’t see Ashton. Thinking of where he could be, I left for the hallway. Then I remembered Al mentioning the showers.

  I’m not going in there!

  “Hey, McNabb,” Dre called me, coming from the opposite direction. His curly fade tilted as he looked to be dialing into his cellphone. “Spence looking for you. He’s in the massage room.”

  I stopped in my tracks. That helps a lot…I rolled my eyes. How did he expect to “get” me if he was in there?

  I didn’t realize Dre had stopped until he mentioned, “You can go ahead to Room B in the spa wing. He said just knock.” He spoke without looking at me and walked off.

  I tried remembering exactly where the spa wing was. I didn’t recall much from my tour here when I first moved in. Only the main gym and locker room. Damn, this place is too big! The athletic facility at BSU was bigger than my damn regional high school in Bridgeton! Moving toward the back of the main room, I saw a directory. After locating the massage wing, I took up the stairs to the third floor. It was quiet up here, mostly suits passing me by in the halls, but not many.

  It took a short time to find Room B once in the right corridor. My palms were soaked when I tried to ball one into a fist and knock on the door softly.

  “It’s open!”

  I jumped at that like a damn fool. I tried catching my breath before pushing the door open. Ashton was face down on the massage table with just his boxers on while a guy I’d seen around the complex was kneading into his shoulder.

  “Oh…” He hesitated. “Hi.”

  Ashton lifted his head and his eyes found me. He looked…tired. “I thought you were supposed to meet me here at 1:15 for the massage.”

  My eyes raced to the walls where, on one, I found a digital clock. It was 2:02.

  “I had class.” My mouth was parched, tongue heavy.

  “You didn’t mention that. I had a session set up for you, but didn’t know if you prefer a masseuse or masseur.”

  He looked at me like he was expecting an answer. I had no idea about the difference between a masseuse or masseur, so I shrugged. “I ‘on’t know.” My words fell too softly.