My Muted Love (Muted Hoplessness Book 1)

by Love Belvin

  Was that Tori?

  “She wore heels?”

  June shook his head. “Nah. Some combat boots. Looked crazy. Well…” He tossed his chin to Boobee. “Like he said, her body was on point. I was wondering where the nigga, Brick, know her from.”

  “Where did y’all see her at?”

  “She was in the back,” Boobee answered then regarded June. “She was in the last row when the family walked in the church?”

  “Nah. She was standing up.” June smoothed down his goatee. “One of the first people by the door, standing when we came in to kick off the service. She had the stocky dude behind her.”

  “Yeah. I ain’t know if that was his lady or what, but could tell they was together.”

  My eyes closed. It had to be Tori. I felt fucked about not returning her text messages and calls. It wasn’t until I landed that I’d gotten a gamut of alerts. Halloween day, since I left school for the airport, everyone tried contacting me—everyone except Aivery. She didn’t think I should go, never gave her condolences, at least not sincerely. That fucked me up, causing me to shut down.

  A.D. Jones called me into his office with Coach Green waiting there for me, too. They called my mother and handed me the phone. Initially, I didn’t believe he was dead. How could he have just died on Halloween in custody and have a funeral on Friday. I’d always been a sharp kid. But when she explained he’d passed nearly two weeks before, but they had to wait on DOC to release his body, reality hit. And so did a wave of nausea. Coach Green, thinking on his feet, caught my sinking body.

  They had me escorted to my apartment to pack. My flight had already been planned before she broke the news. Before packing, I went to find Aivery and shared the news with her. The coldness exuding from her was something I’d had a taste of a time or two, but never to that degree.

  14

  -Then-

  I couldn’t believe it.

  The moment he pushed on the brake once we pulled up to the airport, Raj was handing me cash.

  “Why?” my tone was crisp.

  “Because you’re traveling, T. You can’t be bouncing between states broke.”

  “My flight goes straight there. Why would I need money?”

  “You can get hungry!”

  “You just fed me!” I matched his thick gruff.

  Ragee took a deep breath. “Look. You know me. Don’t ask me to rearrange my schedule to do you a solid just to have you bite my damn head off for making sure you’re good.” His auburn eyes met mine. “You just left a funeral!”

  “I didn’t know the deceased!”

  His thick frame twisted to face me from behind the wheel. “You may not have known Deshawn “Brick” Lee.” He picked up Brick’s obituary lying near the ashtray and waved it in the air. “But you damn sure felt the loss of his passing.”

  I sucked my teeth, snapping my neck back. “The hell you mean, choir boy. Let’s not get beside ourselves.”

  “Who leaves school and flies back to Jersey—not home, though—to go to a funeral of a dead kid she didn’t know?”

  Raj hadn’t given me pushback since he picked me up from the airport yesterday. Because I told him I didn’t even want his father, Cut, knowing I was in town and I didn’t know anyone outside of the gym and boxing in North Jersey, Raj took me to eat then to a gig he had in a small club in Weehawken. I stayed in the back and sipped on free sodas all night. When he was done, we stopped by his grandmother’s church to change some things around on the pulpit. After that, we went back to his grandmother’s place, where he lived in the basement. I slept on my usual, fold-up bed, grateful his other bestie, LeRoy, had been staying with his boyfriend—something Raj and I joked about lasting for no more than a month.

  This morning, we had breakfast his grandmother, Pastor McKinnon, prepared, enduring one of many of her mini-sermons. The lady was sweet as cake, but all she wanted to talk about was Christ, God, the Bible, and all the characters in it. I never knew how he connected to the woman he loved the most. When she told me “the Lord” showed her fish in her dreams last night and the first woman she saw this morning was me, I had to bite the inside of my cheek to remain quiet and not laugh in her face. After that ordeal, I returned to the dungeon to get ready for the funeral. Oddly, I didn’t want to be late.

  “How many ways can I say I know his cousin—”

  “A cousin you just met in what? August/September? I know you. You like the Ashton kid, Tori.”

  My face folded all kind of ways. “I don’t even know that bo—”

  “If you’re going all out your way to go to his cousin’s funeral, he’s more than that boy.”

  “He’s a Panth—a fellow-athlete at Blakewood, Raj. I told you I don’t have any friends there. He’s like the coolest kid on campus and I thought it would be nice to ‘show myself friendly’ as you love to say!”

  “And since when did you give two shits about fitting in?” Raj’s thin brows met. My eyes fell away. “Are you listening to yourself? KaToria, it’s okay to like someone. That’s normal, you know. The shit you and I go through—fight through day after day—ain’t. If you finally run into a cat that makes you feel something, it doesn’t have to be love or anything like that, it’s okay to ride out the feeling.”

  I turned to him with burning eyes, but a cool shell. “What if it’s a she that makes me feel something?”

  Raj laughed. “I wouldn’t have a problem with that either, but you’re not gay, Tori.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because you’re too damn comfortable with me to think you couldn’t tell me all this time. Because your brazen ass wouldn’t fear the world knowing.”

  The thought of a soul knowing I had feelings for anyone scared me. Why should I trust anyone that way? I had no fucking clue what I was feeling for Ashton, but what I did was like a living, breathing thing. Other than Ragee, no one had ever been so generous to me. I didn’t understand why I saw the boundary between Raj and me that I couldn’t see with Ashton. Raj was much older than me—too old. And quite honestly, I didn’t see him for more than a crush that lasted just as long as LeRoy’s relationships. Ashton’s boundary should have been Aivery or the obvious fact of him not liking me. I’d decided that near-kiss was him being drunk, and nothing more. Because why would Ashton Spencer want a girl like me, let alone cheat on a girl like Aivery with me?

  “And,” Ragee’s sea-deep vocals burst my bubble of thought. “You’ve got to be brazen as hell to wear this club dress to that funeral.” He laughed.

  “You told me I’d be fine!”

  “Because you said since you had to at your Margaret’s funeral, you had to wear a dress today.” He shook his head, snickering.

  I sighed, closing my eyes. He was right. When my grandmother, Margaret, passed away, my mother went crazy looking for a dress for me to wear. She said my Margaret told her ladies only wore dresses to funerals. There was no way I wouldn’t keep her word at heart. But Raj said wearing the Jimmy Choo heels I wore the night of my fake date would have been taking it too far, and suggested the new combat boots I’d flown into Jersey in.

  I chewed on my lips, feelings soured, and face tight. “You think people clowned me?” Since when did I care?

  “There were too many people in that sanctuary to notice much beyond the sadness.” Raj always knew the right thing to say.

  And that was another thing. Ashton had a huge family. He didn’t grieve alone like I did. He had a gang of relatives flanking around him. It wasn’t until Ashton’s family asked to see the body after the preacher preached that he separated from them. While they were all at Brick’s casket crying from their souls, Ashton stayed behind. His elbows planted on his knees and broad back high from the bench, motionless. That’s when Raj pushed me to get over my nerves and go pay my condolences. I didn’t want to parade around in a mini-dress, but I did want to…see him, so I went while Ragee stayed in the back. Ashton gave me a friendly hug, but I was pretty sure he had no idea who I was. He was that sub
dued, an Ashton I didn’t know.

  “We’ve been sitting here too long.” Ragee pointed to the police officer twirling his finger in the air. “You need to go.”

  He handed me the money again.

  I snatched it, irritated by the fact he wouldn’t have taken no for an answer. “Whatever, McKinnon.”

  “Just don’t come back pregnant. You know Grandmother is a seer.” Facing ahead, his brows lifted high and eyes rolled my way.

  I sucked my teeth again, grabbed my bag while mumbling things I’d never say out loud about that crazy old lady.

  Pushing the door open, a thought hit. “Thanks for this solid, Raj. I owe you.” I was pretty sure my tone didn’t message the sentiment. But Ashton got on me about saying thank you. I got out of the car and turned to face him. “And don’t fucking call me KaToria again.” I slammed the door.

  Not even that barrier could mute out his subterranean deep laughter.

  I watched the people at the gate across from mine line up to board their plane. From the floor-to-ceiling window to the right of me, I could see my plane’s respective place was empty. I wasn’t due to board for another thirty minutes. The darkness of the sky mixed with the thick raindrops matched my sulking disposition. Glancing down to the picture in my hand, I cried even more internally as I examined the mean-mugging faces of Brick and me from ten years ago on his birthday.

  Snickering to myself, I recalled just how much posturing I was doing in the photo. I’d just gotten off a plane from Cape Town, South Africa with my father three hours earlier. Fighting fatigue from a sixteen-hour flight and trying to adjust to the seven hour time difference, I was determined to be with my guy on his birthday that evening. Brick was so damn appreciative, he wouldn’t separate from me the whole night at the party Aunt Tabitha threw for him at the skating rink. A few of his boys from the block gave me nasty stares, hence my pose during the photograph when I knew a few were watching. They had no idea how stressed Brick and I were when we learned during the summer with my father, that year, that he’d be taking me out of the country exactly two weeks before Brick’s birthday. He’d even laugh at the pic—if he were here.

  This can’t be life…

  My Blackberry ringing snapped me from my reminiscing. My chest caved when I saw the caller’s ID.

  “Hi, Nana.”

  “Hello, dear heart.” My grandmother’s voice box vibrated like a stereotypical senior citizen. “What are you up to?”

  My eyes gazed around the place. “At the airport.”

  “Oh!” she cried, feigning disturbing shock. “Where are you going?”

  My eyes closed as I braced myself. “Back to school.”

  “Does that mean you were home and didn’t come to see about your Nana?”

  “Yes, ma’am. I’m sorry, Nana. It’s been a rough time.”

  “How so?”

  She knew, but still pressed me. “I’m sure you heard my cousin, Deshawn, passed away. He was buried on Friday.”

  “Mmmmm…” she hummed into the phone, never admitting she knew. “Well, my condolences to the family. Death is not easy. To be absent in body is to be present with the Lord, but I’ve always told you, Ashton Spencer, we must make wise decisions. If one lives by the sword, they will die by the same. I just hope you can find something good in his story.”

  The something good to my grandmother would be me not hanging out with my mother’s side of the family. She never cared for them, and liked Brick even less. My grandmother hated when Brick would find a ride to her house in Scotch Plains, staining her reputation as the queen of high society.

  “I hope I can, too, Nana.” I glanced down at the picture in my hand.

  Her voice hiked up when she requested, “Please give my highest regards to Ms. Cooper. Tell her I wish I could have seen her, too, while you were here. Perhaps next time?”

  My eyes rolled toward the window where my plane was taxiing in. “Aivery isn’t with me, Nana.”

  “Oh.” With that one word, I could tell that gave her pause. “I’m sure she regrets what’s keeping her from supporting you.”

  “Not really.” I sighed and quickly regretted it.

  Next, I would have been telling her how Aivery never truly expressed her condolences. For seconds long, my grandmother didn’t speak. I knew her well enough to know where that narrowed mind was going.

  “You’ll see her once you land, I’m sure.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Why not, Ashton Spencer?” And here was the lioness.

  “Because I’m not sure where she is, Nana. The day after I flew out here, Aivery took a flight home.”

  “Was there a family emergency?”

  “No.”

  “Then why did she go home in the middle of the semester?”

  “Because her sister delivered twins.”

  “Ahhhhh!” She’d regained the confidence in her understanding. “So there was an emergency. She wanted to be there for their births or so after.”

  “The babies were delivered two Fridays ago, days before she left.”

  “What took her so long to leave? Classes?”

  “Homecoming,” I delivered dryly. “She wanted to win.”

  There was another stretch of silence.

  “Ashton Spencer, you don’t sound particularly upbeat about Ms. Cooper.” Because I’m not, was what I wanted to say, but I said nothing at all. “Have you two discussed when you’ll be engaged? Have you settled on a date?”

  I yanked on my ear. “No, Nana.”

  “That could be the problem, Ashton Spencer. A young woman like Ms. Cooper knows her worth and that she shouldn’t have to wait for something as vital at this point in her life as marriage. You’re about to complete your studies and receive your degree in just a little over a month, surely you’re prepared for the next phase of your life: the real world.”

  The next phase of my life would not be marriage or engagement, for that matter.

  “Nana, I’m going to the League next year.”

  “You mean the tryouts. You have to get in first, Ashton Spencer.”

  “And I will. But yes, I have to successfully compete at the Combine first. That prospect alone requires my priority.”

  “Ashton Spencer, you know chasing a career like that comes at a high risk. You’re a Spencer. You don’t have to take extreme risks to secure an established and secure financial future.”

  My mother begged me years ago to tell my grandmother to fuck off with her demands on my life and trying to control it. Instead of being so blunt, I had come up with my own plan. To pursue self-generated wealth without having the carrot that was my father’s immense wealth dangling over my head.

  “Yes, Nana.” I cleared the mucous from my throat. “I know.” Sitting up to stop the nervous springing of my ankles, I licked my lips before uttering, “They’re calling for my flight now. I need to board.”

  “Okay, dear. Have a safe flight and be sure to give Ms. Cooper my warmest regards. Remind her that I’m just a call away.”

  “Will do, Nana.”

  “Good night, Ashton Spencer.”

  I tapped to kill the line. Rampant thoughts from the past few days bounced around in my head: NormaJean theorizing my reasons for being with Aivery. Brick having told me not to marry Aivery. Aivery sending a big “fuck you” back home with me to bury my cousin. Tori flying out to Jersey to support me. And finally, my Nana, maintaining her demand that I marry Aivery. The vibrant energy of each individual loud and competing in my head. The loudest energy was the one that showed support during my biggest loss to date.

  I sat back in my seat, and allowed myself to be angry.

  I was in my bedroom, freshly showered, and changing into basketball shorts and a Panthers t-shirt when the doorbell rang. Pulling the shirt down my chest, I gaited barefoot out to the front of my apartment. When passing by the digital clock on the wall, it read 9:43. My first thought was there being a major blunder at the AOP chapter house. I was the person to be cal
led when a mess was made and they didn’t know where to begin cleaning.

  Shit…

  I wasn’t in the head space to be quarterbacking a fraternity-related fuck up. Yes, I loved my AOP brothers, but this school year, I was beyond that undergrad Greek life. To my surprise, I pulled the door back and found Aivery with her hands tucked into the pockets of her magenta leather motorcycle jacket. Her hair was up in a ponytail on top of her head, and her face was enhanced with just mascara and clear lip gloss. After a spell of silence, I leaned into the door, resting on my arm.

  She murmured, “Al told me you’d be back tonight.” Rubbing her lips together, the line between her brows telling of her restlessness, Aivery’s eyes fell. “Sherell says thanks again for the gifts you sent down for the twins.”

  Internally, I nodded, having forgotten all about the package I arranged to have sent down to Aivery’s sister when I learned she delivered the babies. Sherell sent an ecard expressing her gratitude. I guessed Aivery had just learned about it when she finally flew home to meet her new niece and nephew.

  When I didn’t answer, she sighed, “Can I come in?”

  I pushed the door open and backed away to let her in. Aivery sauntered down the hall and into the living room with light steps and heavy shoulders. By the time I met her in there, she turned to me and repeated her lip-rubbing, stalling mechanism.

  Her eyes were low. “I’m sorry.”

  I stood straight, crossing my arms and scratching my chin deep inside my beard. “For what?”

  Her eyes met mine. “For not supporting you for starters, but for lots of shit.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like…” She rolled her eyes shut. “Being all over the place emotionally. I spoke to my spiritual advisor, and she told me it made sense that after months of celibacy, I still have no true resolve in my life at this point.” Her arms swung in the air, telling her frustration.

  Aivery had been seeing this spiritual advisor since the spring when I learned of her secret. I had yet to buy in on the need of such a person or the validity of her services. Apparently, she was someone Aivery’s mother had been using for years and thought she could help Aivery. The problem was I was Christian and brought up in a Pentecostal church no matter how much I failed to uphold those edicts. I was far from religious as of late, but still struggled with Aivery’s beliefs and far from sold on whether the advice she received from this woman was beneficial.