Miss Laney Is Zany!
Page 1
My Weird School Daze #8
Miss Laney Is Zany!
Dan Gutman
Pictures by
Jim Paillot
To Emma
Contents
1 Bad News
2 The Mystery of the Girls’ Bathroom
3 Miss Laney Is Weird
4 You Can’t Say It!
5 Problem Solved
6 How to Get a Million Dollars
7 Spooch
8 What’s in the Stall?
9 Plays Are Boring
10 A Surprise Assembly
11 Ugh, Disgusting!
Acknowledgments
About the Author and the Illustrator
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
1
Bad News
My name is A.J. and I hate school.
But I have to go anyway. My friend Billy who lives around the corner told me that if you don’t go to school, they throw you in jail. Then you have to wear one of those striped uniforms and drag around a ball and chain.
I go to Ella Mentry School, and my teacher is Mr. Granite, who is from another planet. It was Monday morning, and the girls were talking about silly girl stuff, like how many stuffed animals they have on their beds. Me and the guys were talking about important guy stuff, like my favorite TV show—Win Money or Eat Bugs.
It’s a cool show. You have to answer a bunch of questions. If you get them right, you win money. If you get them wrong, you have to eat bugs. So Win Money or Eat Bugs has the perfect name. Some people win money. But most people have to eat bugs. That show is hilarious.
After we put our backpacks into our cubbies, the school secretary, Mrs. Patty, made an announcement over the loudspeaker. We had to go to the all-purpose room for a surprise assembly.
“Why are we having an assembly?” asked Andrea Young, this annoying girl in my class with curly brown hair.
“Beats me,” said her crybaby friend Emily.
Everybody was in the all-purpose room. Miss Lazar, the custodian. Ms. LaGrange, the lunch lady. Even Mr. Tony, who runs the after-school program, was there. I could tell it wasn’t a normal assembly. We were all buzzing about what was up.*
We had to sit crisscross applesauce. Finally our principal, Mr. Klutz, got up on the stage. He has no hair at all. I mean none. They should use his head to bounce laser beams around the world. Mr. Klutz held up his hand and made a peace sign, which means “shut up.”
“I have bad news,” Mr. Klutz said.
“Mr. Klutz has a bad nose,” I whispered to my friend Michael, who never ties his shoes.
“As you probably heard from your parents,” Mr. Klutz told us, “the economy is in bad shape. We have been trying to save money ever since our budget was cut. But last night I got a call from the Board of Education. I’m sorry to tell you this, but…Ella Mentry School will be closing in June.”
Everybody laughed. Mr. Klutz is so funny!
“It’s not a joke,” he added.
Suddenly, it was quiet in the all-purpose room. You could hear a pin drop.*
“Do you mean the school will close for a few weeks?” asked Mr. Granite.
“No,” Mr. Klutz replied. “The school is closing forever.”
“Forever?”
“Forever.”
I looked at Michael. Michael looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes. Then we all jumped out of our seats at the same time.
“Yeah!” me and the guys shouted. “No more school!”
“You’ll still have to go to school,” Mr. Klutz told us. “You’ll just have to go to another school. A school that’s farther away.”
Oh. Bummer in the summer!
“Will the teachers be fired?” asked Mr. Granite.
“I’m afraid so,” Mr. Klutz said. “The whole staff will lose their jobs. And that includes me. We’re all in the same boat.”
I looked around. I didn’t see a boat anywhere.
“What do boats have to do with it?” I asked.
“That means we’re all in this together, Arlo,” whispered Andrea. She calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it.
“There will be more budget cuts between now and June,” Mr. Klutz said. “So we’ll all have to tighten our belts. Does anybody have any questions?”
“What if you don’t wear a belt?” I asked.
“Tightening our belts means we have to save money, dumbhead,” Andrea whispered, rolling her eyes.
“Your face needs to save money,” I told her.
I hate Andrea.
“Isn’t there anything we can do?” asked Mr. Granite.
“I’m afraid not,” Mr. Klutz said. “It will cost a million dollars to keep the school open.”
“WOW,” everybody said, which is “MOM” upside down. We all started buzzing again. The teachers looked worried. A few first graders started crying.
It was the saddest day in the history of the world.
2
The Mystery of the Girls’ Bathroom
When we got back to our classroom, two big guys wearing overalls were carrying out Mr. Granite’s desk.
“Hey, what are you doing?” Mr. Granite shouted.
“Sorry, bud,” one of the guys said. “Budget cuts.”
Mr. Granite was mad because he didn’t have a desk anymore. But he still had to teach us math. I raised my hand to ask a question, and Mr. Granite said it had to be about math.
“How many dollars is a million?” I asked.
“Well, let’s say you have one dollar,” Mr. Granite told me, “and then you get a million more dollars. Then you’d have a million dollars.”
That made sense.
“No you wouldn’t,” said Andrea. “You’d have a million and one dollars.”
Andrea had a big smile on her face, like she was all proud of herself. Why can’t a million dollars fall on her head? A million dollars in coins.
We were all sad about the school closing down. Mr. Granite wasn’t in the mood to teach, and nobody was in the mood to learn anything. Not even Andrea.
Luckily, we have art class on Mondays. We walked a million hundred miles to the art room. Ms. Hannah, the art teacher, was cutting a piece of cardboard into a bunch of tiny little squares.
“What are we doing in art today?” asked Emily.
“Because of the budget cuts, I can only use one sheet of cardboard for the whole class,” said Ms. Hannah. “So today we’re going to make postage stamps.”
“Postage stamps?” we all asked.
“We all have to do our part to save money,” she said.
I made a little frowny face on my stamp, and there wasn’t room to draw anything else. Making postage stamps in art class is lame.
When we got back to Mr. Granite’s room, Mrs. Patty made an announcement over the loudspeaker.
“A.J., please report to the girls’ bathroom.”
What?! I thought I was gonna die.
Ryan, Michael, and Neil thought it was hilarious. They were falling off their chairs.
“A.J. has to go to the girls’ bathroom,” Michael said. “He must be a girl!”
“There must be some mistake,” Mr. Granite said.
“I’m not going to the girls’ bathroom,” I announced. “What if there are girls in there?”
“Of course there will be girls in there,” Andrea said. “It’s the girls’—”
She didn’t have the chance to finish her sentence because Mrs. Patty made another announcement.
“Ryan, please report to the girls’ bathroom.”
What?!
“I’m not going to—”
Ryan didn’t have the chance to finish his sentence becaus
e Mrs. Patty made another announcement.
“Andrea, please report to the girls’ bathroom.”
What?!
And then Mrs. Patty made another announcement.
“Emily, please report to the girls’ bathroom.”
“I guess the four of you should go to the girls’ bathroom,” Mr. Granite told us.
He gave me, Ryan, Andrea, and Emily passes; and we walked down the hall to the girls’ bathroom.
“You open the door,” I told Andrea. “You’re a girl.”
Andrea put her hand on the doorknob.
Andrea turned the doorknob.
She pulled open the door.
And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what we saw in there.
I’m not gonna tell you.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter first. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!
3
Miss Laney Is Weird
In the middle of the girls’ bathroom was a lady with dark hair. She was sitting behind a desk—Mr. Granite’s desk.
“Come on in!” the lady said excitedly. She sounded like one of those game show hosts on TV.
“Who are you?” asked Andrea.
“I’m Miss Laney, the new speech teacher,” the lady said. “I’m soooooo glad you could join me today!”
Miss Laney is way too enthusiastic about stuff.
I always wondered what was in the girls’ bathroom. I looked around. There were three stalls against the wall but no urinals. On the walls were a bunch of posters with pictures of TV stars.
Girls’ bathrooms are weird.
“Why is your office in the bathroom?” asked Emily.
“Because of budget cuts, they couldn’t afford to give me a regular office,” Miss Laney told us. “But a bathroom is perfect for speech class. This room has really good acoustics.”
“I don’t see any good cue sticks,” I said. “My uncle has a pool table in his basement, and he’s got some really good cue sticks.”
“Not ‘cue sticks,’ dumbhead!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes. “‘Acoustics’!”
It sounded a lot like “a cue stick” to me.
“Do you know what the word ‘acoustics’ means?” Miss Laney asked.
“Yes!” Andrea said, “acoustics is the science of sound.”
“Very good, Andrea!” Miss Laney said, all smiley.
Little Miss Brownnoser knows about dumb stuff like acoustics because she reads the encyclopedia for the fun of it. What is her problem?
“Wait a minute,” Emily said. “If this is the speech room now, where should we go to the bathroom?”
“In your pants!” I said. Ryan cracked up.
“Starting today,” Miss Laney told us, “the girls go to the bathroom in the boys’ bathroom.”
What?!
“If the girls go to the bathroom in the boys’ bathroom, where will the boys go to the bathroom?” Ryan asked.
“Out there,” Miss Laney said.
I looked out the window. There was a tree outside.
“We have to use a tree?” I asked.
“There’s a porta-potty near the tree,” Miss Laney said.
I stood on my tiptoes at the window and saw the porta-potty.
“I’d rather use the tree,” I said.
“Yeah, can we use the tree?” asked Ryan.
“That could kill the tree, Arlo,” Andrea said.
“Your face could kill a tree,” I told Andrea.
“There must be some mistake, Miss Laney,” Emily said. “We don’t need speech class.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, “we already know how to talk.”
“Of course you know how to talk,” Miss Laney said. “But Mr. Granite told me you’re having a little trouble understanding idioms, A.J.”
“Oh, snap!” said Ryan. “She called you an idiot!”
“And Ryan, sometimes you have difficulty with R sounds,” Miss Laney said. “And Emily, you have trouble pronouncing the letters T and D. And Andrea, you occasionally have trouble with grammar.”
Little Miss Perfect looked all mad. I guess nobody ever told her she had anything wrong with her before.
“Speech is boring,” I said.
“Yeah, we don’t want to be here,” said Ryan.
“I speak perfectly,” Andrea insisted.
“Is that so?” asked Miss Laney. “Well, let’s find out!”
That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Miss Laney took a top hat out of the desk drawer and put it on her head.* Then she took a little boom box out of the desk and pushed a button on it. Thumping music came out of the boom box. Miss Laney started to dance around. The lights in the bathroom started flashing on and off.
Next, a banner dropped down from the top of the stalls. It said: I BET YOU CAN’T SAY THIS!
Then a deep voice came out of the boom box.
“Welcome to everyone’s favorite TV game show, I Bet You Can’t Say This! And here’s your host, Misssssssssssssss…Laney!”
Wild applause came out of the boom box.
“Thank you, thank you!” said Miss Laney. “Are you kids ready to play I Bet You Can’t Say This!?”
“Yes!” said Andrea and Emily.
“No!” said me and Ryan.
“I love game shows!” said Emily, clapping her hands excitedly.
“All righty then!” Miss Laney said. “We’ll start the game in a minute. But first, this important message…”
Hey kids! Do you have trouble saying the letter S? When you say the word “lion,” does it come out like “wion”? Do you stutter or lisp? Don’t feel bad. You’re not alone. Millions of kids just like you have the same problem. But you’re in luck! With the help of Miss Laney’s Amazing Zany Brainy No Painy Speech Fixer Upper, you’ll be able to say hard words like “February.” Words like “refrigerator,” “nuclear,” and “duct tape.” You’ll be able to say EVERY WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE! In a few short weeks you’ll be talking perfectly. It’s simply amazing! But it’s not available in stores. Go to www.misslaneyiszany.com and order now. Miss Laney’s Amazing Zany Brainy No Painy Speech Fixer Upper is only $19.99. But wait, there’s more! If you order in the next ten minutes, you’ll get volume two—Miss Laney’s Rainy Day No Complainy Speech Training Maintainer. It’s absolutely free! Wow! What have you got to lose? All that for just $19.99. And if you’re not completely satisfied, I’ll refund every penny. How can I make this crazy offer? Because Miss Laney is…INSANEY! Order NOW!
4
You Can’t Say It!
That was weird. Miss Laney did an infomercial in the girls’ bathroom!
“How many of those things have you sold so far?” Ryan asked.
“So far?” Miss Laney replied. “None.”
“You’d probably sell more if you did it on TV,” I suggested, “instead of in the bathroom.”
“Good idea!” Miss Laney said. “Okay, welcome back to I Bet You Can’t Say This! Our first category is tongue twisters. The winner will get a prize from the mystery treasure chest. Are you kids excited?”
“Yes!” said Andrea and Emily.
“No!” said me and Ryan.
“Let’s spin the magic spinner to see who goes first!” shouted Miss Laney.
She reached into the desk and took out one of those little spinners they use for board games.
“And our first contestant is…A.J.!” Miss Laney said. “Okay, repeat after me—”
“After me,” I repeated.
“No,” Miss Laney said, “I mean, repeat what I’m about to say.”
“What I’m about to say,” I repeated.
“Aha-ha, very funny, A.J.,” said Miss Laney. “Here’s your tongue twister. ‘A skunk sat on a stump. The stump thought the skunk stunk. The skunk thought the stump stunk. What stunk? The skunk or the stump?’”
I took a deep breath.
“‘A skunk sat on a thunk—’”
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Where
did that come from? I didn’t even see her hit a buzzer.
“Sorry! Nice try, A.J.,” Miss Laney said. “But YOU CAN’T SAY IT!”
She took a kazoo out of her pocket and blew into it.
“YOU CAN’T SAY IT!” shouted Ryan, Andrea, and Emily.
“Let’s spin the magic spinner to see who goes next!” said Miss Laney. “Our next contestant is…Emily! Repeat after me. ‘A big black bug bit a big black bear. The big black bug made the big black bear bleed blood.’”
“‘A big back blug—,’” Emily began.
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
“Sorry! Nice try, Emily!” said Miss Laney as she blew into the kazoo. “But YOU CAN’T SAY IT!”
“YOU CAN’T SAY IT!” I shouted with Ryan and Andrea.
“Let’s spin the magic spinner!” Miss Laney said. “Our next contestant is…Ryan! Repeat after me. ‘A noisy noise annoys an oyster.’”
“‘A noisy noise…’”
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
“Oh! You took too much time!” said Miss Laney, and she blew into the kazoo. “Sorry, Ryan!”
“YOU CAN’T SAY IT!” I shouted with Andrea and Emily.
“Our last contestant in this round is Andrea,” said Miss Laney. “Repeat after me. ‘If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?’”
“‘If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?’” Andrea repeated.
“Very good, Andrea!” said Miss Laney. “You win round one.”
That was totally not fair. Anybody could say that thing about Stu’s shoes. It’s a lot harder to say my thing about the skunk.
Miss Laney said Andrea could have a smelly sticker because she won round one. There were grape, cool mint, tutti-frutti, and root beer stickers. Andrea chose grape.
“I love smelly stickers!” Andrea said.