Bright Lights, Big Ass

by Jen Lancaster

  8 Except for shoes and eye shadow, of course. Do not buy purple shoes or eye shadow—am not Tammy Faye Bakker.

  9 Non-chick-lit-knowing-about philistines.

  10 Including $10 bet.

  11 Read hate.

  12 Same thing goes for Nancy Pelosi—I’m not so much into her views, but I totally respect her personal style. And we should so nominate her colorist for president.

  13 Seriously, if you’re going to base a church on science fiction, at least base it on good sci-fi. Like the Holy Temple of The Men in Black with Reverend Will Smith.

  14 Sean Hannity, squee!

  15 Ann Coulter is living proof that there’s such a thing as karma, and sometimes it tastes like coconut cream!

  16 That? Was expensive.

  1 Apparently you can’t call for the death penalty on a simple B&E. Also judges do not appreciate helpful suggestions.

  2 Bone spurs and bunions? Yes. But my calves look great as I limp past you.

  3 No one’s allowed to make up cute little contractions but me.

  4 I think it was supposed to be some sort of calzone.

  5 This has got to be payback for buying her kids drum sets and cap guns.

  6 Because there’s no way I physically will.

  7 Read ridiculous.

  8 Fletch is still allowed to work the grill because the worst he can do out there is burn stuff.

  9 Hee—porno again.

  10 Back in the salad days of our dating life when I thought it was funny for him to ruin our groceries by shaping them into zoo animals.

  1 Oh, wait. That last bit is from Independence Day when they bring down all the aliens’ ships. My bad.

  2 Some would say it’s “The March of the Toreadors” from the opera Carmen. Whatever, you vegans.

  3 Played by Vince Vaughn before he got all bloated.

  4 FYI, $4.00/word writing jobs for Vogue don’t exist, Carrie.

  5 I heart you, Kristen Bell.

  6 Fifty.

  7 Note to self: Add “sit in judgment” to skills list.

  8 Sure, I could have caught up with them at the reunion this year, but (a) I had a zit on my neck and (b) I’d gained a ton of weight since my size-five Jordache jeans days. And I wasn’t nice enough in high school for either the blemish or the cellulite to be forgiven, so I stayed home.

  9 Which is why I fail to see how it’s my fault when the shredder catches on fire.

  10I told you so, Jimmy Neutron.

  11 From Target! I heart you, Isaac Mizrahi.

  12 Do not heart you now, Isaac Mizrahi. Would a little bit of cushioning have killed you?

  13 Who obviously do not have enough work to do.

  1 Thus rendering satisfying eavesdropping completely impossible.

  2 Thank God we don’t do triathlons—Fletch’s legs would look so much better than mine if he shaved them.

  3 We teetered precariously on the edge that time I wrote “asshole” on his arm in self-tanner and he had to wear long-sleeve shirts for a whole week in the middle of summer, prompting him to retaliate by shaving off most of my eyebrow. We called a truce after that, too—no one wanted to lose a tooth. Or worse.

  4 Although if you have a trick for putting on lipstick and not steering into a mailbox, I’d certainly like to hear it.

  5 A Trixie is a Jetta-driving, PR-job-having, overpaid, Kate Spade–carrying, bleached-toned-and-clueless girl who shares a $2,000 apartment with five of her sorority sisters. (And yes, I used to be one.) (Shut up.)

  6 Have I ever mentioned what a poor winner I am?

  7 Not.

  8 Fine—I mostly listened to Wham! and the Go-Gos, but I totally appreciated the good stuff, too.

  9 The upside of a narcissistic personality disorder is you think your own jokes are the funniest in the world.

  10 We should totally hold a telathon for him.

  11 Years from now, monuments will be built to recognize the genius of Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

  12 Also? We grocery shop a lot. No wonder we’re fat.

  1 Except stupid Brenda Mitchell. But more on that bitch in a minute.

  2 Except for Jen H., who accused me of sleeping with her boyfriend, which for the record I never, ever did, not once, not even close. Sure, of course I made out with him—he looked just like Christopher Atkins! How do you not kiss Mr. Blue Lagoon, given the opportunity? But no s-e-x. That’s for damn sure.

  3 Until I made out with their boyfriends. What can I say? I was very friendly in college.

  4 We were a Good Times household.

  5 An Indian word for “Land of Many Strip Malls.”

  6 I wish this were a euphemism for something really dirty so we don’t sound like tremendous nerds. Unfortunately, it’s not.

  7 Scully and Mulder said I could, so it’s not cheating.

  8 Polish for “I think you left your lunch on my lawn.”

  9 I can see how he’d be pissed, but, really, she should have thanked me.

  10 No bonus points were awarded for gaining a dorsal fin, either.

  11 And the bumper of his hybrid electric car.

  12 I don’t pay our rent in person anymore—I can’t keep a straight face.

  13 My dog Maisy and niece Sarah appear to be the same size—what better way to check the fit?

  14 And current-day temp. Also, I have no idea on the pending fame bit. But since my book doesn’t come out ’til next spring, it’s not outside the realm of the possible, right?

  15 Or possibly for a piña colada, but only if it’s made with sweet coconut milk. If I’m going to commit treason, it had better be delicious.

  1 I’m reminded of this each time my small-town mother visits and wants to call the police when she hears a car alarm. Although for someone so concerned about grand theft auto, you’d think she wouldn’t make a habit of keeping her keys in her unlocked car.

  2 Her sweater-wearing teacup terrier, Donatella, shivers in her thousand-dollar carrying bag—strategically placed in its own chair—dying for a bite of the chocolate chip muffin his owner has no intention of ingesting.

  3 But I ask you, how could the company who created Lucky Charms be evil? Impossible! And magically delicious!

  4 Oh, Mr. Knotts. If only you could have lived long enough to make A Few Good Fish—it surely would have been your swan song.

  5 I like to keep tabs on what’s happening so I can catalog suspicious doings on the Internet.

  6 No, scratch that. He was only a year old at the time and likely not yet strong enough to carry heavy amplifiers.

  7 Or at least long enough for him to carry in the cat litter.

  8 Henceforth known as Captain Whackypants.

  9 But he’s almost six feet three and I swear it looks good.

  10 Actually, I’m not 100 percent sure about Cruella, but she was always surrounded by her toadies, and one of them must have played cabana-boy when the cameras were off, yes?

  11 Good thing we got paper towels!

  12 Coyotes hate the Gold Coast, a.k.a. “the Viagra Triangle.” Too plastic, too much of a “scene.”

  13 Now I have big jeans and little hair. And that’s bad.

  14 Also a problem considering I get skeeved out just flossing my teeth.

  1 Baby got back, indeed.

  2 Alcohol may have been involved.

  3 Slurring may have been involved. And possibly making out.

  4 FYI, currently there are over nine million Google entries on Ashlee Simpson. Nietzsche was right: God is dead. And we killed him with all our Ashlee Freakin’ Simpson Google entries.

  5 Two of her other habits. (Which are fine because she is a beautiful and loving woman who has never charged me interest on the money I still owe her.)

  6 Well-thumbed because it took me two years of carrying it around in my beach bag to finally finish it.

  7 Ugly.

  8 Annoying.

  9 Darling!

  10 No, I didn’t try to stop him. I figured after living with stupid boys he’d be begging to
live in a clean, pretty apartment where the seat was always down and the fridge was always full. (Also, I was a lot cuter than his friend Greg.) He moved in with me a few short months later.

  11 I mean, come on—Paris thought they sold walls at Wal-Mart. How do you not watch?

  12 If you show up with bad hair, it sets the bar too low. Tress to impress, people.

  13 Although my hair still looks really good.

  14 Jenilee Harrison.

  1 Sometimes with a mouth crammed full of Oreos.

  2 His words, not mine. But I like the idea that even my blood kicks ass.

  3 I will still swim in Lake Michigan, but I’m generally submerged 90 percent of the time I’m at the beach, so that doesn’t count.

  4 Fletch? When I tell you I weigh 150 pounds? I lie.

  5 Which equals bitch.

  6 Sort of.

  7 Unless you want to provide me with a ten-week spa pass, I’m not giving out that number.

  8 It totally did.

  9 Hotness Potential.

  10 Damn. There goes my lurid donut-eating contest audition fantasy.

  11 Indeed I shall be the Biggest Loser for I have been to Office Depot!

  12 Rim shot!

  13 Wait, what am I asking? Of course they thought my sweater was cute.

  14 Despite providing no empirical evidence.

  1 I kind of wiped out my whole hard drive when I downloaded a bottlecap-matching game. Whoops.

  2 I cannot even begin to describe the horror of this situation so I shall spare you my attempts to do so.

  3 And we? Are dicks.

  4 The first time Fletch met Suz was when she showed up at my place early one morning and needed me to help her find her car. And her pants. God, I miss her.

  5 They aren’t.

  6 My pork chops kick ass and everyone knows it, so I’m having no part of his slanderous accusations.

  7 Mistake.

  8 Ma’am, I don’t even know your last name. Do not share your bad-touch stories.

  9 Obviously.

  10 But if there’s anything creepier than someone watching you watch TV, I’ve yet to experience it.

  11 The breakfast of champions!

  12 You know what comes between me and my Calvins? My dad.

  13 When we ask him about this later he says it was worth $50 to get her to stop talking.

  14 Shh, don’t tell Fletch.

  15 All the crazy to be found in New York and Carrie Bradshaw never encountered anything like this? I don’t buy it.

  16 Which I have since paid back in full, thank you very much.

  17 And the Calcutta of our kitchen is no prize, either.

  18 I’ll take A Cry for Help for $200, Alex.

  19 See also Paycheck, Parting With.

  20 It’s south of the Loop and only about three miles from where we live now. However, Chicago is divided into North Side and South Side. Pretty much no one has ever made the longitudinal switch, so we’re hesitant to be the first.

  1 Also known as the “West Town” area of the city, or, when we lived there, the West Si-ee-de.

  2 Even without the wonky eye, we’d recognize him because he’s the only one in our neighborhood who doesn’t come in standard squirrel-issue gray.

  3 Good-bye, security deposit!

  4 I wanted to help get Tracy to rehab; they wanted me to help get Holly evicted. Guess which path I chose?

  5 Jen’s Budget Homemaking Tip #475: Why purchase flowers when you can steal them from a vacant lot?

  6 The extra e is for “emotion.”

  7 I love you, Mommy. Please don’t cut me out of the will.

  8 I love me some pink, but mauve is not and never will be the new pink.

  9 Because they’re busy buying them, but she’s too polite to mention this.

  10 Jen’s Budget Homemaking Tip #567: Costco kicks ass. The only reason they’re not part of the new Holy Trinity of shopping is Fletch yells at me every time I buy their cheesecake in bulk.

  11 Holding flippers?

  12 Or who are delicious. And, on some occasions, stylish.

  13 I did try to hop on Fletch’s back once we got our own keys and he walked hunched over for the next three days.

  14 Now baby soft and completely faded after a hundred washings.

  1 But really, ice floors would be kind of a bitch to get clean because how would you mop them? You couldn’t use hot water. It would be like trying to open a present of wrapping paper—when would you know to stop?

  2 Oh, Kirsten! You little minx! Sid Vicious is going to come back from the grave to claim you as his bride!

  3 Yes, Scarlett, my dear—it’s five coats, four sweaters, and every purse on the page for you!

  4 What? You think Superman wouldn’t snarl at an unwelcome guest?

  5 But, still, Girl Power and all that.

  6 I’ve mentioned I’m a jerk, yes?

  7 Another set of the sock monkeys are hand in hand—one’s wearing a floral hat and the other’s carrying flowers. I believe they are a same-sex couple, but don’t find sapphic monkey love to be an appropriate topic of conversation with a virtual stranger, so I don’t mention them.

  8 And hasn’t the poor dear had enough problems lately without adding a public indecency charge?

  1 Guy Fawkes was a traitor to the crown and tried to burn down Parliament.

  2 Thank you, Mrs. Sweeney!

  3 Aluminum foil, BTW.

  4 Please, God.

  5 Here’s the thing. I love Target; I’ve made that abundantly clear. But when Target begins to sell “Vote for Pedro” shirts, any hip indie cred you may have once garnered from wearing one is gone.

  6 It’s a tiny bit badass, and I find myself wishing this is that person’s own unique style.

  7 Note to my brother, Todd: I also have dibs on the Union Jack–draped Royal Doulton bulldogs in the china cabinet. (You can have the big TV—I don’t want that monstrosity in my house.)

  8 I had mono. Although I wonder who those quacks thought I’d been kissing, anyway—Tommy Lee?