Healing Tides

by Katie Winters

  “I guess that’s a no?” Elsa asked softly.

  “I just don’t want to think about it.”

  “You know, you can stay with me and Nancy if you want that,” Elsa said. “We’re always here for you, no matter what.”

  Mallory’s eyes flickered with sunlight. “I don’t know. I don’t want to make him even angrier.”

  “Women have been there for one another since the dawn of time, especially when their partners fail them,” Elsa returned.

  Mallory’s chin quivered. “I don’t want Zachery to fail anyone when he’s older.”

  Elsa’s laugh was soft, tentative. “Unfortunately, all you can do is show him how to love and love well. Maybe Lucas can’t offer him those teachings, but you can. You love better than anyone. Besides, you both have plenty of time to worry about that. He’s only a baby.”

  “Hey girls! Do you want another glass of wine?” Nancy’s voice carried through their conversation and obliterated it. Hurriedly, Mallory swiped a hand beneath her eye to catch her tear.

  “Of course,” Mallory said brightly. “Thank you, Nancy.”

  With Nancy gone, Janine turned toward them and said, “Henry was up in arms about Cole the other night. He said there were two sailors he was really nervous about out there on the water. Cole Steel and Tommy Gasbarro. He said he didn’t have a chance.”

  Mallory’s laughter rang out beautifully, like a song. “My brother learned everything from our Dad. He’s racing for him out there, now.”

  When the first sails flickered up over the horizon line, Elsa gripped Mallory’s hand and muttered, “I really think that might be him. Is it? Gosh, I can’t—”

  “It’s him!” Mallory cried as Cole’s sailboat swept toward the finish line. Cole Steel himself leaned forward as the wind swept through his hair; his nose was lifted toward the starkly blue sky above, and his eyes spoke of determination. It was clear, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Cole Steel had come to the competition to win. He wouldn’t have allowed it any other way.

  Elsa and Mallory shrieked as his sailboat surged forth; there was the sound of an alarm, then the wailing cries of hundreds of party-goers and revelers. Elsa and Mallory wrapped their arms around one another and hollered as they hugged. They then turned toward Janine and Nancy for more hugs and cries and calls of, “I knew he had it in him!” and, “He did this for Aiden! It’s all for Aiden!”

  Elsa hadn’t felt so overzealous in years. She leaped toward the docks, where one of the festival organizers stepped toward Cole and swept out a hand to shake his. “Congratulations, son!” the man cried as another sailboat — the second-place finisher, Tommy Gasbarro surged toward the docks.

  Tommy tied up his boat. His brow was furrowed, but his eyes were alight. “Cole Steel, dammit, I nearly had you out there by the cliffs. I thought to myself — that boy is fresh meat. But no, here you are, in first place. You should be proud.” The older man leaped from the boat and smacked Cole across the back as Cole beamed at him.

  You could see it in everything Cole did: he was shocked that he’d beaten such a confident sailor. Tommy Gasbarro had sailed all over the world, frequently alone. But Cole, who had hardly stepped foot off the island of Martha’s Vineyard, had pulled off a win.

  As Tommy spoke to the festival organizer, Cole’s gaze found his mother’s. His long legs snaked him down the dock as his smile grew wider. It seemed impossible that this twenty-six-year-old man had once been the tiniest of babies, two weeks early, ten tiny fingers and toes.

  “Mom!” He flung his arms around her as Elsa burst into tears.

  “I’m so proud of you! Your father would be so proud of you!” she cried as she pushed his hair out of his face.

  How strange it was to hug this much taller man. His muscles still pulsed from the adrenaline of the race. When he fell back, his grin faltered the slightest bit. Under his breath, he said, “I just wish he could have been here, racing beside me.”

  “I know, honey. Me too.” Elsa cleared her throat and then added, “Maybe you would have beaten him, too. He wouldn’t have known what to do about that.”

  Cole cackled. “I would have never let him hear the end of it. That’s for sure.”

  Chapter Nine

  THE AWARD CEREMONY was held immediately after the race, beneath a large white tent, the top of which reflected the severity of the July sun. In the shadowy comfort beneath, Elsa, Janine, Nancy, and Mallory huddled close and watched as the announcer cleared his throat into the microphone, then began in that smooth, rich voice of his — the likes of which was heard at most Martha’s Vineyard festivals and events over the summer months. He provided the backdrop of so much.

  “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another marvelously successful Round-the-Island Sailing Race, which we hold every year here in the beautiful town of Edgartown. As many of you know, the sailing community here on Martha’s Vineyard is quite tight-knit. Everyone knows everyone, and we get mighty sick of one another sometimes—”

  At this, the crowd chuckled good-naturedly as the announcer’s eyes flashed across the sea of people.

  “But in the end, we’re all there for one another. We’re one another’s neighbors, friends and family. We’re there when the wind is fresh for sailing, and we’re there when the storms roll in from the horizon and tear our sails apart. Many of you know what it’s like when you’re out there on the open seas, terrified about what will happen next, yet trusting your gut and your adrenaline to get you home.”

  Elsa had been out on the water with Aiden only once when a storm had thrust itself upon them. She had gone into overdrive as Aiden had instructed her on what to do next. With each step she’d taken, each rope she’d yanked, she’d pictured her three babies at home waiting for them. They had to return. There was no option otherwise.

  “This brings me to my next point,” the announcer continued. “Last year, around this time, we lost one of our own. He was a true pillar of the sailing community and a man that many of us loved like a brother or like a father or like a son. His name was Aiden Steel and our love for him and for his leadership in this community will never die.

  “For this reason, I am pleased to announce this year’s winner of the Round-the-Island race,” the announcer continued. “Cole Steel! Come on up here, you son-of-a-gun.”

  Cole leaped up onto the stage. His smile was so electric; there were flashes of a much younger version of himself, simmering around behind those eyes. He accepted the award, which was a golden-colored sailboat with the year listed beneath the boat, on a mahogany piece of wood. He then lifted the award into the air as the crowd cried out with excitement. All the while, Elsa and Mallory held hands, yelled and screamed his name. “WE LOVE YOU, COLE!”

  The announcer passed the microphone to Cole. Cole had always been on the shyer side and he’d never been one for big gestures or grand speeches. But when he took the microphone in-hand, there was a severity to his eyes; it was clear that he had something to say.

  “Good afternoon, everyone, and thank you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart,” Cole said.

  “He sounds so good,” Mallory breathed to Elsa.

  “I just want to take a moment to say some words about my dad,” Cole continued as his voice wavered just the slightest bit. “My father was the strongest and most passionate man I’ve ever met. Throughout my childhood, I begged him to take me out on the water. In the beginning, he told me — ‘Okay, you can come. But you have to promise that you won’t complain. Not even when you’re tired or you’re too hot, or you’re too cold. Out there, you’re at the mercy of the ocean and the waves and the elements. You are no longer tied to your physical needs.’

  “I always took what he said to heart, and over time, I manned up and proved myself to him as a sailor. When he got sick, though, I just couldn’t rationalize it. It seemed crazy to me that this man who had been able to override every single conceivable ‘physical need’ had to succumb to, well, his physical body and its failings.
It was monstrous to me, but of course, it was much worse for him. For a long time, I could see him battling his mind, especially when he could no longer do all the things he wanted to do — like even walk on the beach with my mother, or go horseback riding with my sister.”

  Cole paused and dropped his eyes toward his award, which he lifted a bit higher. Elsa prayed he wouldn’t burst into tears; she could practically feel it coming through his words, like a storm. His face was marred with so many emotions that brought tears to Elsa’s eyes.

  “I would trade this trophy in a flash if I knew I could spend one more day with my dad,” Cole said finally. “But I also have to admit, I feel him closer, here at this festival, than I have in the past year since he died. This one is for you, Dad! Thank you for all of your support. And thank you, all of you, for loving my father as much as you did. I know it meant the world to him.”

  In the wake of Cole’s speech, the party-goers under the tent burst into applause; they wolf-whistled and hollered Cole’s name. Cole ducked back down into the crowd and swept toward his little group of friends, some of the guys he’d gone to high school with, along with a girl Elsa had been curious about, as she’d suspected there was something romantic between them. Her eyes caught Cole’s just then and she blew him a kiss as he winked back at her. Her heart swelled with love for her son. She was so proud of him.

  Nancy swept her lips toward Elsa’s ear as she called, “He really is a remarkable young man.”

  Elsa nodded. “He’s really something, isn’t he?”

  After the second and third place awards were given out, a DJ bolted over to the speaker system and began to play a wild collection of hits from the previous twenty years. The beat pumped through the crowd as revelers turned toward one another and fell into easy conversation. The line for drinks soon grew monstrously long; it snaked around the sides of the tent and then barreled out toward the docks.

  “I can’t believe that speech,” Janine said to the three of them as she sipped up the last of her wine. “I really want him to meet my girls. I think Maggie and Alyssa and Cole would get along so well. Has Alexie looked up Maggie or Alyssa in the city yet?”

  Elsa realized she’d again forgotten to remind her youngest to look up her new, super-rich, Manhattan socialite “cousins.” Her stomach panged with guilt.

  “I think she’s so busy these days,” Elsa lied. “She has two jobs and she’s taking a few classes over the summer.”

  “These kids. I don’t know how they balance so much at once,” Janine returned.

  A friend of Mallory’s had drawn her off to the side; the two of them purred with gossip. Elsa felt suddenly on edge and strange. She could practically feel Janine and Nancy’s attempts to zero in on her and bring her into their conversation. Grateful for an out, she spotted Cole toward the back of the drink line, alone.

  As she approached him, several party-goers stepped up to shake his hand and congratulate him. Cole seemed visibly drained; his smile no longer had its previous luster. When another man walked off, post-handshake, Elsa appeared behind him, and Cole’s shoulders slumped forward with relief.

  “I’m getting so tired,” he said.

  “I bet.” Elsa stepped into the line to join him and swept her hand down his back. “I’m so proud of you, honey. I know your father is up there right now smiling down on you.”

  Cole flashed her a knowing smile before the exhaustion took over again, “Feels like I’ll probably be here all night.”

  “You are the guest of honor, after all.”

  “Yeah.” Cole’s eyes grew shadowed. “I keep wanting to pinch myself. None of the past year feels real.”

  Elsa nodded. “I feel the same way.”

  The line grew longer. Elsa turned to watch as a number of broad-shouldered sailors, many of whom she recognized from the sailing club, shifted their weight and fell into conversation. Their eyes were glazed over from the alcohol; they didn’t glance up, which Elsa was grateful for. She didn’t want any more small talk about her husband. She didn’t want to say, “Thank you, we miss him, too,” all over again. It was exhausting.

  But after a moment, her ears found a language that seemed completely foreign to her — as though they spoke about someone completely different.

  “Can you believe we’re supposed to be championing that fraud?”

  “I know. We all know what he did.”

  “Blah blah — the sailing world’s greatest loss! Give me a break.”

  Careful not to make any quick movements, Elsa turned her eyes toward the source of the conversation. Two men around Aiden’s age stood with their brows furrowed. One was dark blonde; the other had salt and pepper hair. Both were dressed all in white and had the general “air” of being incredibly wealthy, traditional sailing types. Elsa didn’t recognize them at all.

  “I mean, I told you what he did to me, didn’t I?” the man with salt and pepper hair said.

  “Of course,” the other replied. “It’s ridiculous. He was supposed to be God’s gift to stockbroking, and now you have to deal with the aftermath.”

  The darker-haired man shook his head as his face grew shadowed with disdain. “Aiden Steel was no hero. He was a con artist. That’s for sure.”

  At this, Cole bristled. He thrust himself around and glared at the two older men as he said, “Excuse me. What did you say about my father?”

  Elsa’s throat grew tight with fear. Everything about Cole’s body seemed ready for attack.

  “Oh, great. We have his second-in-command right here,” the salt-and-pepper-hair man scoffed. He gave Cole a horrible grin. “What are you going to do, son? You want to stand up for your daddy’s honor?”

  Cole’s right hand formed a fist. Elsa reached for his bicep and squeezed hard. Everything within her willed him not to do this, not here. Not ever. She hadn’t raised a violent son.

  “Just don’t know why you think you can come here and spread lies about my father,” Cole spat.

  “That’s right. We’re spreading lies,” the man said sarcastically as his eyes flashed.

  “We get off on that kind of thing,” the other returned. “Makes total sense, doesn’t it?”

  “Totally,” the first said.

  “Cole. Calm down,” Elsa breathed.

  “Listen to your mother, Cole,” the first man said in a sarcastic tone.

  Elsa’s nostrils flared. She wanted to sock the man herself but held her ground. Still, there was nothing she could do about it. She yanked Cole back the slightest bit as his cheeks turned red as tomatoes.

  “What the hell is all that about?” Cole demanded. His voice was hoarse with panic. “What the hell are they talking about? Con artist?”

  Elsa shook her head. “Who knows, but we know it’s not true. Your father didn’t do anything wrong. He was an upstanding citizen and would have never done anything shady.”

  At this, Cole’s eyebrows lowered all the more. He yanked his arm out from her grip and said, “You know something.”

  Elsa bit hard on her lower lip. “I don’t. I only know that there are people trying to defame your father’s name. And I’m in the middle of dealing with it.”

  “How can this be happening? What do you mean?” Cole demanded as spittle flew.

  “I’ve hired a lawyer,” Elsa returned. “But I don’t want to talk about it here. Tonight is for celebrating. It’s for honoring your father. It’s not for stupid drunken fights with sailors that don’t have a clue about what they’re talking about. Okay? Do you hear me?”

  Cole’s brow remained furrowed and his rage made his body shake. Elsa remained next to her son for the remainder of the line, all the way to the front, where she ordered a double vodka from the bartender, then ensured that her son joined his friends once again, rather than going after the sailors. When she returned to Mallory, Janine, and Nancy, Nancy commented that she looked “deathly pale.”

  “I think I need to head home soon,” Elsa murmured as her stomach twisted into knots. “These wild part
ies are a part of my past, now.”

  In truth, she just couldn’t stand there, knowing that these men were out there, defaming her husband.

  She needed to focus; she needed to seek the truth and shut down this nonsense once and for all. And every raucous laugh, every wild cry through the crowd, made her feel increasingly alone.

  Chapter Ten

  ELSA RETURNED TO THE old house for a full ten minutes to retrieve the paperwork she had discovered in Aiden’s office, just in case any of it was relevant for this new lawyer, Bruce Holland. She then shot out into the sunlight of the early afternoon and shoved the large box of papers into the back seat. Going into the house had felt almost an assault on her emotions, especially with her mind fresh with old memories. As she rushed back down the driveway and out onto the main road, she felt she moved overly fast, as though she ran from a previous version of herself, of her life.

  She drove in a kind of blur, all the way to Oak Bluffs. Once there, she realized she was a full hour early for her appointment with Bruce Holland. Annoyed at herself and her own anxious mind, she forced herself on a walk through the smoldering July heat. She paused for a moment at the historic Flying Horses Carousel, which had been placed in Oak Bluffs all the way back in 1884. Children in various stages of sugar-overdose wrapped their legs on either side of each beautiful steed and hollered at their parents as the carousel drew them round and round in circles.

  If only Elsa could find such pleasure in life again. And in fact, she remembered long-ago days when her own father had brought her to this very carousel. The first few times, she had been too panicked to ride alone, and he had stood alongside her with his steady hand on her back. She had been mesmerized by the flashing lights and the bright music. It was like being transported to another world. It had been magic.

  Things weren’t like magic any longer. Not at forty-five. Not after so much death, sorrow and pain.

  Elsa wandered along the waterline until she reached the Sunrise Cove Inn, which she hadn’t seen much of since they had completely redone it the previous summer. The place had a fresh paint job; flowers bloomed from every conceivable location; even the trees outside of it looked fuller and more vibrant. It looked as it had in Elsa’s memory, back in the days before Anna Sheridan’s death.