Shattered Promises

by J. R. Grant

  What is going on with him lately?

  Uncontrollable sobs seep through the center of my throat and suddenly an unwanted panic attack creeps up on me. My mother rushes over to my side and takes the baby out of my arms, handing him back to the nurse.

  “She’s having a panic attack, miss. Can you take him and get her something to get this under control, please?” she asks worried.

  My mom knows these sort of attacks haven’t been easy lately, especially the ones she’s had to witness. I never experienced anxiety until I got pregnant with my son Justin. Since then, I’ve had nothing but panic attack after panic attack, and yet only one person seems to be able to help calm and control them. But he left.

  “Take these, sweetie, and lay back.” Mom hands me a little blue pill and a cup of ginger ale from the nurse as she leans down in front of me.

  She pushes a few sweaty pieces of hair that are matted together off of my forehead and kisses my cheek.

  “He’ll be back, Lani. You’ll be okay. I promise, sweetheart. Let’s just get a few minutes of rest.” Laying my head back on the bed, I close my eyes and quietly count backwards from fifty.

  My heart rate beats rapidly, making me more fearful, but I’ve learned to recognize the symptoms of anxiety. I’ve read a lot of books during my pregnancy on how to fight these kind of feelings and what to do when they come on. It’s all about re-transforming your thinking and re-transforming your mind.

  Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer is by far the best book I’ve read that has helped me with anxiety the most. I couldn’t put it down when I first started reading it to save my soul. The author really knows how to make you dig deep within and figure out what causes someone to panic from the root of your problems. Sometimes we might not even realize how or why we bring them on ourselves. It’s learning how to fight through the anxious feelings that tend to be the hardest, specifically when you feel like you are going to die any minute.

  “Do you feel better?” the nurse asks as she steps to the side of my bed with my son in her arms.

  Nodding my head, I reply, “Yes, thank you. I can take him now.”

  Reaching out, she hands the baby back to me, and I tuck him comfortably in my arms.

  Mom and I are sitting on the bed, loving on our boy when a knock at the door causes both our eyebrows to raise.

  “Come in,” mom hollers across the room.

  The doctor and other nurses cleared out once I was stitched up and ready to relax. Dr. Byrd explained that he performed an episiotomy due to the baby’s size. Unfortunately, I had to get more stitches than I want to share.

  “Your Uncle Parker’s here,” I whisper in my son’s ear and kiss his cheek once again. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to keep my hands and mouth of off my precious child. He’s so stinking cute!

  “Hey, Princess,” he greets me as he walks through the room. “You look great for having just delivered a baby!”

  What a suck up. But I love him. Parker definitely knows how to make a girl smile.

  “You’re such an ass kisser.” I laugh. “But I’ll take it any day! Do you want to hold my little love bug?”

  Staring at the baby in question, Parker reluctantly nods his head, and Mom moves off of the bed so he can take a seat next to me.

  “Love bug, yeah?”

  “Yup! He looks just like one, doesn't he?”

  Smiling, I instruct Parker on how to hold the baby.

  “Just make sure you hold the back of his head like this,” I show him, “or else it’ll wobble all over the place.” Without another word, Parker lifts the baby from my arms and takes a seat beside me.

  “He’s beautiful, Lani. I don’t think I’ve seen a baby this cute in…well…ever really.” He laughs.

  “He came from me, Parker,” I joke, “what did you expect?”

  Parker continues rocking the baby for a few more minutes until the elephant in the room is addressed. “Where’d he go?”

  Shrugging my shoulders, Parker reaches out and places his hand on my leg.

  “He’ll be back. He probably got spooked when he saw the baby come out and ran off to get some air. Don’t worry too much, you guys will be fine.”

  Giving me a half smile, I nod my head and don’t say another word. Something doesn’t feel right, but I don’t know if I should really believe my gut right now. Any other time, I’d have no problem going with what I feel, but right now, my emotions are all over the due to my hormones.

  I don’t want to cause a heated argument when Kade returns if I’m worrying for nothing.

  Knowing Kade, that’ll piss him off even more, and he won’t talk to me for a week.

  Men. Sometimes I wonder about them.

  For the rest of the afternoon I’m greeted by my father, my in-laws, and all of our friends.

  To say I’ve been embarrassed would be a complete understatement, because right now, I’m devastated. My husband left here at one forty-three this afternoon, and it’s now ten thirty and no one has seen or heard from him. Erik, Kade’s father, owns a construction company, and Kade is a site foreman/Vice President. So, he even agreed if Kade went into work, Erik would have known. Instead, everyone has walked on eggshells around me all day, and I’m at my wit’s end.I just want my family together in one room.

  “Do you want me to stay with you and the baby tonight?” my mother asks. “I don’t mind. Your dad brought up an extra pair of clothes in case you decided you need the help.”

  Shaking my head, I reply, “No, I’ll be okay. Kade should be back any minute."

  God, I hope I’m right.

  Since I was a little girl, I had my entire life planned out before me; I’d marry my childhood sweetheart, and together, we’d have children and live happily ever after.

  That was all I ever wanted. Kade Foster was all I ever needed. With him by my side, my life felt complete. But right now, I don’t know how true that is anymore.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Parker

  Leaving Kade on the side of the road, I jump back in my car and race toward 62nd Street, eight streets away. There’s a spot Lani likes to go when she needs time to think. A peaceful place of healing she says or some shit. That’s got to be where she’s at. It’s the only place she’s ever told me about.

  The light changes to green, and I gun the gas as fast as I can. Pulling in next to her car, I jump out and race to the sand without shutting off the engine. As I come upon her spot, I notice Lani’s purse and belongings scattered all over the place. Where is she? Looking around the area, I don’t see her anywhere.

  Shit. This isn’t good. Jogging down to the water, another big wave crashes upon the shore before I see the top of her head floating. Fuck. Kicking my shoes off, I throw my jacket, phone, and wallet on the beach and run as fast as I can out to sea. Kicking my legs and moving my arms, nothing’s working. The current is too rough, she’s too far out. There are no lifeguards on duty this time of year. What in the hell was she thinking coming into the water like this?

  “Lani? Lani, come on. I’m here, Lani. It’s me,” I yell, hoping she’ll hear me and come up.

  When I spot her head again, I do my best to reach her before another big waves crashes and I lose contact.

  By the time I reach her, she feels like an ice cube. “I’m here, Princess. I’ve got you,” I whisper in her ear as I hold her in my arms and make my way back up the shore.

  Lifting her over my shoulder, I move as quickly as I can until we reach the sand and I’m able to lay her flat down on her back.

  Pumping her stomach once, twice, three times, she spits up water as I turn her over.

  “What the hell are we celebrating, Princess? You could have been killed?” I yell nervously.

  “Home…cold…please, Hawk…I need you…” she cries, her words very choppy.

  “Shhhh…” I whisper, and wrap my coat around her body, lifting her up my arms. “I got you, Princess. I got you.”

  Making my way back to my car, I set her in
the passenger’s seat and crank the heat up on full blast. Wiping the hair out from the front of her face, I tell her, “I’ll be right back. I’m going to get your purse.”

  Locking the door, I run back to bench and gather Lani’s belongings. By the time I get back to the car, I finally realize what nearly killed my best friend. Pictures of Jules’ little boy, Lucas, fall out onto the street, and I’m stunned. I can’t believe this is seriously happening.

  Jules and Kade? Kade is the father of Lucas?

  Popping the trunk open, I throw everything inside and hop back up front. Placing my hands in front of the vent, I try and warm myself up. The words are lodged in my throat. I don’t even know what to say. This is some surprising shit.

  “When I went looking for your banking account information and was able to get into the safe, I found a couple of statements with Kade and someone else’s social security number on them. I never found out who the other person was. None of it made any sense to me.”

  I know she’s probably furious with me. It wouldn’t surprise me if she hates me after I tell her this, but I need to get it out. No more secrets. Maybe my chest won’t feel so heavy for sneaking around.

  “But I never suspected something like this, Lani. Fuck…” Running my hands through my soaked hair, I shift in my seat and face her. Lani’s head is covered in my jacket. She won’t look at me.

  “I was going to tell you. I wanted to get as much information as I possibly could. I swear, Princess. This is all news to me too. I wouldn’t keep something so drastic like this from you, especially if it were to backfire on me. I was married to the stupid bitch for God’s sake.”

  A brunt sob escapes my throat. I get out of the car and slam the door. What in the hell were those two celebrating? This answers a lot of questions I have had. But in return, knowing all of this now is going to destroy four lives, two which are totally innocent.

  Walking over to the passenger’s side of the car, I open the door and pull Lani into my arms.

  “I’m sorry, Princess,” I whisper in her ear while I hold her close to my heart. This girl deserves nothing but the world and here I almost lost her. Had I been five seconds later, Lani would have been dead. Then what? What in the hell would I have done? I have loved this girl since before I could talk. She is my life. She may not see me the way I see her, but I don’t care. Her happiness means more to me than breathing.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Lani

  I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. I am far from perfect, nor would I ever claim to be. I’ve won some, I’ve lost a lot, and for some ungodly reason, I kept pressing. But at the end of the day, with all of the shame I have brought on myself, I’m the one who has had to live with all of the regrets and all of the hurt. Not anyone else.

  I should have opened up my mouth sooner. I should have told someone what he had done, how he had treated me. But I didn’t. I was too afraid. The way he had changed during his rehabilitation scared the shit out of me. I have never seen my husband that angry before. So, instead of fighting the inevitable, I kept pressing forward. I swallowed my pride and didn’t budge each time he said things to me that killed me a little more every day. I ignored what my heart kept averring I should do and kept loving him. For whatever reason, I hung on by the thread of hope, praying and believing he would change. If Kade would have just loved me enough to do what he promised, we could have been happy. If I would have been a better wife to him, maybe he wouldn’t have gone astray.

  All of the times I have ever told someone I loved them, I meant it with my whole heart. I was taught never to take that particular four letter word dismissively. My parents instilled in me growing up to never throw an “I love you” around like an ordinary phrase, because it carried so much more than a simple meaning. The word “love” has value. And with that value, people hold it close to their heart. It gives them hope. It gives love life. So, if I said “I love you” to my family, my friends, my boys, or to the man I had loved for so many years, I meant it more than words could ever say.

  I’ve made bad choices. I was dumb. I was naïve. And I trusted a man who destroyed me. I can’t blame anyone but myself.

  For months, I sat beside Kade’s bed in the hospital, while he was hooked up to an undisclosed amount of machines, and prayed for him faithfully, thanking God for his healing daily. And out of my own stupidity, I pushed my own personal health issues and needs to the side, all because I thought I would die if he didn’t come back to me and our boys. I fought for him, cried for him, I would have gladly laid down my life for him so he could have another chance to live. And for what?

  All this time he had secrets. Secrets that nearly killed me, leaving me drowning in more than enough pain. How could he be so stupid? How could he live a life full of lies and deception? How could he use me and abuse what we had shared for so many years?

  Our kids? What about them? How will I tell them their daddy had an affair on the day Justin was born and conceived a child with their Uncle Parker’s wife, Jules? What will they think?

  Will Justin and Zakrie blame me? Will they grow up thinking it was all my fault? I don’t know how I’m going to move on from all of this. Honestly, I don’t know how much more I can take. First Kade started to push me away like a piece of trash and then began with the name calling. When hurting me that way wasn’t enough, he put his hands on me, slapped me around, and then choked our son because of his hatred for me. But now…just when I thought something good was going to happen and our lives were getting somewhat better, I get hit with this blow to the heart?

  The pain I feel right now is indescribable. I hurt so bad yet feel so numb. You could light a match and hold it to my skin, and I wouldn’t move a muscle. I shouldn’t have let him get away with murder from the beginning, because that’s what he did; he murdered me. Kade shattered every promise he had made. He crushed my soul; he broke me. Kade Foster ruined the little bit of happiness I had left in my life.

  Hot air brushes across my neck. I can’t stop shaking. “I know it hurts, Princess. I feel like I’ve just been stabbed in the chest myself. But we’ve got each other now, I know you’re all I need. Just hold onto me, Lani. I’ll catch your every fall.” Parker continues holding me, rocking me in his arms.

  As I’m wrapped up in my own hurt and pain, once again I am reminded that I’m the worst best friend imaginable. Here Parker has been hit with this big clusterfuck, just like I have, and I hadn’t taken his feelings and pain into consideration. My Hawk knows I would be sincerely lost without him in my life. Besides my boys, Parker is all I have left. I just can’t believe all of this is happening to us both.

  “I’m…so…so…sorry…Hawk…” I whisper, as my lips continuing to chattering from the cold. “I…just…can’t…believe this. Why…how…did you not know?” I ask and then a string a fear strikes again. Did he know? Is he covering up for Jules?

  Pushing myself out of his hold, I turn to look him in the eyes to see if he’s being deceptive. I can always tell if he’s not being truthful, he can’t hold a straight face. He’s been that way since we were little.

  “I had no idea, Lani. I told you. Not a fucking clue or you know damn well I would have articulated it to you a hell of a lot sooner than this,” Parker replies angrily, his eyes soaked with tears. “I had my suspicions they were doing something though. But I would had never guess all of this; Kade being Lucas’ father. Never….”

  Tightening his hold around me, Parker and I stand in the rain drowning together.

  <> * <>

  “Momma!” Zakrie squeals and runs toward me as I walk through the front door.

  After Parker and I took the rest of the afternoon to talk about everything, today is the day for change. I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t deserve to be in pain all of the time. I deserve to be happy.

  Trying to put a smile on my face, I do the best I can to get through putting the boys to bed and then talk it all over with my parents.

  “Look.” Shoving a p
aper in my face, I take it from him and glance down, instantaneously proud of my boy.

  “Great job, love bug! I’m so proud of you! I knew you could do it.”

  “I studied really hard at recess with Jimmy, and we both passed. He said his momma was gonna buy him a new iPod if he got all the answers right, and guess what?”

  “What?” I ask, trying not to laugh. My son can be overly dramatic when he’s excited.

  “He got a hundred percent so he’s getting a new iPod. Can I get one, Momma, please? I’ll do this good on every test from now on, I promise. Please…”

  Peeking over his shoulder, my mom and Justin are standing in the kitchen eyeing me curiously. Shrugging my shoulders, I lean down to meet his eyes and reply, “I don’t know, Zak. Isn’t your iPod only a couple of months old? I mean, do you really need a new one right now? Can’t we compromise on something like a new book or a Game Stop PSP card?”

  Rolling his eyes, Zakrie says, “I guess a PSP card will have to do. But I’ll need a new iPod soon. My screen broke yesterday, and I can’t read the words very good.”

  “God, Zak. You’re such a douche! You cracked your screen already?” Justin yells over to his brother with his arms crossed.

  “Knock it off boys. I’ve had a long day and don’t care to hear you both bickering tonight. Zakrie, bring me your iPod, and I’ll take it to the repair shop this weekend. And depending on how well you do on your other tests, you can possibly get a new PSP card.”

  “And you…” I call over, pointing at Justin. “You got something for me today?”

  Slumping his shoulders, he walks over to the shelf, pulls out a paper from his backpack and hands it to me.

  “Why the sad look? It can’t be that bad?”

  “Please, don’t be mad at me. I tried. That’s what you said right? I mean, you always told us as long as we try our best and give it our all, that’s all that matters.”