by J. R. Grant
Looking down at Justin’s paper, my eyes go wide. What the hell is this?
“Justin, you can’t be serious? You got all of the answers wrong.”
Rolling his eyes, he starts moving away from me. But before he opens the bedroom door, I come up behind him. “Talk to me, baby. What happened? We worked so hard on this the other night.”
Moving my hand on his shoulder, I turn him around, and my heart breaks. He’s crying. It takes a lot for this boy to cry which only shows me how badly he feels for flunking his test. It was a big one- one that effects his grade on a high level.
“I don’t know, Momma. I’m sorry. I tried…I tried hard, and I thought I knew all of the answers, but when I sat down, I forgot…I forgot everything.”
Pulling him into my arms, I hug my son and attempt to do my best to find out what’s going on. I love him no matter how badly he messed up. Nothing could ever make me more proud in life than my boys. Nevertheless, my gut is saying there is more to this testing issue than I think, so I need to know. I need to get to the bottom of whatever’s going on. I can’t let my boy go on through the night like this. No matter how big he gets, Justin will always be my baby.
“I love you, Justin, you know I’d do anything for you. But this…” I say, waving the test around in my hand. “This is unacceptable. You’ve got to tell me what’s really going on with you lately. Why the sudden shift in your schoolwork? And before you even try to deny it, I’ve been on to you. So, no lying. I want the truth.”
Pushing past me, he opens his bedroom door and darts over to his bed without looking back. Sobs force through his little throat as he screams into the pillow, punching his mattress.
I make my way beside him on the bed, and place my hand on his back. “If we talk about this, Justin, we’ll get through it. You keeping whatever is going on, locked inside, isn’t going to help the matter at all.”
I give him a few minutes to calm down before he rolls onto his back and stares up at the ceiling. “I hate him, Momma,” he cries, shocking me again with his choice of words.
Kade. He hates his dad. This has to do with last night. Shit. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own feelings and everything else that happened today, and didn’t even think about how what Kade did to Justin last night would affect his schoolwork or his test.
“You don’t hate him, love bug. I know you’re mad at him for the things he has done lately, but hate is a very strong word to use, especially when you are this angry. I don’t want you to say things you don’t really mean, because once the words are spoken out loud, you can’t take them back. Ever.”
Justin turns to me and says, “No, Momma, I hate him, I do. Dad hurts you, and he hurts me and Zak. He doesn’t care about us anymore. No matter what we do, or try to do, to make him love us, he pushes us away like we are an inconvenience or something.”
Pushing himself back up against his headboard, he continues, “Last night, when Dad hurt you and then me, I came in my room and thought about the whole situation all night, and you can’t stay here. You don’t deserve to be treated this way by anyone, including Dad- even if he is our Dad or not. I won’t get mad if you want to leave, just please don’t leave me and Zakrie here without you, please. Take us with you. We promise we’ll help. I already talked to Zak about it, and he agreed; Dad is not the same anymore, and we don’t like being around him. We are afraid he’s going to hurt you bad one time, and he’ll end up killing you, Momma. And I think I’d die if something ever happened to you. Zakrie too. Please listen to us. We want you to know it’s okay, we’re okay, we just want to get away from him.”
Hearing those words figuratively breaks my heart into a million more pieces if that’s remotely possible, and the little ounce of hope I had left in resolving this matter is now fully diminished.
I love my husband, but I haven’t been in love with Kade for a long time. Besides, my boys come first. It’s always been that way, I’ve just been too afraid to stand up for them or even myself for that matter, because I’ve been afraid Kade would hurt me precisely like Justin said in order to get even with his bad choices. It’s all making sense now. I just wish it hadn’t taken so long before I found out the truth.
The problem is, I don’t know where to even begin. What if I tell Kade we are leaving and he freaks out? Or what if I don’t tell him, and the boys and I leave when he’s not home. Then what? I know Kade is going to put up a fight, it’s a control issue, it always has been. Except this time, he’s lost. Our marriage is over for good. There’s no going back. I can’t, I refuse.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” I cry in my son’s arms. “Please forgive me for putting this on you and your brother. I never in my life meant for things to end up this way, I swear I didn’t.”
“Stop, Momma. Stop. You didn’t do anything. You don’t deserve any of this, stop apologizing. You’re always saying you’re sorry for stuff that’s not your fault, and I’m sick of it.”
“I know, baby, but sometimes even Momma’s put themselves in situations that they don’t mean to and bad things happen. But I promise, I’ll make this right. Do you trust me?”
Nodding his head, Justin looks up at me with puppy dog eyes and whispers, “Yes. I trust you.”
Rubbing my fingers through his curly brown hair, I reply, “Okay. That’s all I need then is your love and your trust, and I will find a way. But we have to stick together, just the three of us, no matter what happens, you need to promise me you will be open and honest and tell me everything- don’t hesitate. If you think something’s wrong, come to me, don’t just assume what your dad tells you is right or whatnot, you need to hear the words from my mouth and my mouth only, because things are going to get ugly around here before they get better.” My heart hurts saying those words out loud.
Crawling onto my lap, Justin wraps his arms around my waist and hugs me tightly. “I’m sorry I disappointed you. That was never my intention. I know you helped me study, and I should have passed that test today. But when I got to school, I felt like crap, and I didn’t care really how I did on it, because I’d been worried about what Dad may be doing to you. Please don’t be mad at me, Momma. I promise, I’ll bring my grade up.”
“Oh baby, I’m not mad at you at all. I promise. Worried? Yes, but mad? No. I’m just sorry you and your baby brother are going through all of this. I should have stood up to your father a long time ago. I was just afraid of what would happen if I did, that’s all.”
Looking up at me through his swollen eyes, Justin asks, “But it’s not worth him choking you is it? Dads don’t put their hands on their kid’s moms and be okay about it. It’s not right and you know it, Momma. Don’t defend him, it’ll just make me mad. You are better than him, and I know it, and you know it.”
I kiss the top of his head before leaving his room. I have not a damn clue as to what I’m going to do, but now that I know my husband’s behavior has affected our children, and after this affair with Jules, I can’t allow our marriage to continue. I’ve got to make a serious change starting right now.
My boy knows entirely too much for his age.
God help me.
I changed my clothes, washed my face, and went back into the front room and spot my mom sitting on the couch. She’s in tears. Oh God, I seriously don’t know how much more I can deal with tonight. This has been a day from hell.
“What’s wrong, Mom?” I ask, leaning against the wall. It takes a lot for my mom to cry, so when she does, I get overly concerned.
Patting the cushion beside her, I make my way over to the couch and take a seat.
“I heard everything Justin said, but what I want to know is why haven’t you told me any of this, sweetheart?”
Tipping my chin to my chest, more unwanted tears shed from my eyes for the fifth time today. I don’t want to explain everything to my parents, but I know I have to. God knows I need to, but that doesn’t make any of this easier. The regret I have right now is enough to destroy anyone within reach.
�
�I thought this was a part of his healing, Mom. I really didn’t think Kade would be this mean to us, you know. But now that it’s hurting and affecting the boys, more than I thought, I’ve got to get out of here. It’s time for Kade and me to separate,” I tell her as my stomach drops to the floor.
Am I ready to do this? I have no other choice. Becoming a mom meant protecting the little ones I’d created. Come hell or high water, Justin and Zakrie will never be affected by Kade Foster’s destruction again. Grabbing a hold of my hand, I look at my mom, and the expression covering her face calls bullshit. The woman knows me all too well.
“I wasn’t born yesterday, Lani Renee’, don’t you dare go lying to me,” she says, her voice now bothered. “That husband of yours has been doing this for quite some time, hasn’t he? And here I believed you and thought he had changed. Damn it. Why didn’t you just tell me the truth? Why’d you have to lie like this and bring two innocent children in the mix of it all?”
Seriously? I never asked for this shit. I never thought Kade had it in him to physically hurt the boys and me, but I was wrong- dead wrong- and now I’ll be the one to live with the regret, not anyone else.
“I didn’t mean to, Mom. I said I thought he would change. Ugh… Things got good, you know. Kade turned his attitude around after we got married, and we were okay for a while. And then, when I had Justin, he was gone all the time and no one knew where he was. I guess I didn’t think about it with him working beside his father, but nothing was ever really said after that. Then the accident happened, and he started hitting me again. I don’t know what his problem is, but he’s been short-fused with all three of us. Now I’ve been made aware by my son how tired him and his brother are of watching their father hurt me,” I cry, the reality of my broken marriage finally settling in.
“I also found out he never had me on his bank accounts and lied about other things too.” Standing up, I walk around the living room.
“What am I supposed to do? I couldn’t just let everyone know we had a failed marriage, Momma. He’d always promise me he would change and a short while later, he’d go back to the same behavior, and I’d forgive him. But now we are talking about my kids, Mom. My kids.” I try and keep my voice down, but it’s nearly impossible. I’m broken, so broken, I don’t know how to take this pain away.
“It’s one thing to hurt me, but he hurt my son last night. I was afraid to tell anyone until Parker saw the bruises on my neck where Kade tried to choke-”
“What? Lani, get over here right now!” Mom demands in a serious tone, her face becoming blotchy red.
Slowly, my feet move, one in front of the other until they reach the tip of the sofa where she is seated. Standing straight up, she pushes my hair back off of my shoulders and throws her hand immediately over her mouth.
“Oh, dear. Oh, dear. What in the hell? Excuse me…excuse me Lord for the vulgar language, but this son of a bitch hurt my baby girl. Lani, I’m calling your father right now. Just stay here, sweetheart. We will take care of his bastard once and for all.”
Pushing past me, she digs her phone out from her purse, and before I have time to object, my dad’s on the other end of the phone and mom’s sobbing. If she thinks this is bad, wait until she hears what else Kade has done.
“Please, Derrick. Get here. He’s done choked our baby girl. She’s got bruises all over her neck. Okay…Okay…Alright, be careful. I’ll see you in a few minutes. Okay, bye.”
Throwing her cell phone down on the couch, Mom wraps her arms around me and holds me tight, allowing me to get everything out I had locked away for what feels like an eternity.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Lani
It’s one thing to hold your kids and be their protector when they are sad or when they are hurt. But when you need someone to comfort you, your own mom is the best option to take that role. She may not be able to take away the physical pain like when I was a little girl, but her warmth of love and welcoming embrace, while in her arms, always makes a world of difference in whatever kind of day I’m having. I know for a fact I would be entirely lost without my family beside me.
I never wanted to look like a failure in anyone’s eyes. I tried, don’t get me wrong. I tried entirely too damn hard. That’s what my problem is. You can’t make someone love you, no matter how much you think you desire them. I love Kade as the father of our children, but that’s it. That draws the line. There’s a big difference.
With multiple personalities and as unstable as Kade’s been, I never know which side of him is going to lash out and hurt me. Not just physically, but mentally as well. Anything Kade Foster can call me, he does, and it hurts more than I’ve ever led on. In the past, he used to say the same words to me, when we were growing up, except those times I know he was just trying to fit in with the other guys and look cool. Eventually he’d stopped and worshipped the ground I walked on. After our wedding, Kade had no one to judge him except two little boys who used to think the world revolved around their daddy. But now, all of those feelings from Justin and Zakrie have diminished. They are gone.
I’ve never wanted to be weak or show Kade or anyone else any signs of being that way, but a person can only handle so much before they don’t give two shits anything anymore. Eventually, you get tired of the hurt and let go, walking away from it all. And tonight, that’s exactly where I am; I just need to get over the fear first and foremost.
Telling my family was never on my “to do list”. Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind, never being my intention until I had things all sorted out. But after hearing those words from my son, I realize I can’t do this one by myself. I need all of the support I can get.
I’m scared- scared to be alone for the first time in years. I’m scared to lose the one man I have loved all of my life. Even though I’m not in love with him, he’s still the father of my children and a huge part of me. But most importantly, I am scared of what Kade is going to do to me when he finds out that I am leaving and taking our boys.
I should have left a long time ago. Years ago actually. Instead, I chose to stay, praying we could work our problems through. Now, I just need to learn how to stand up on my own two feet and make this happen. I’ve got to.
The front door swings open with a loud boom, followed by my pissed off father and a furious Parker walking directly behind him.
Shit.
Did he tell my dad what we found out?
Pushing past my sobbing mother, Dad comes up and grabs me by the hips, pulling me into his open arms. “Damn it, sweetheart, why didn’t you say anything to me before now? How long has this nonsense been going on again, Lani?” he cries, the sound of his voice is breaking me to shreds.
“I’m sorry, Daddy. I thought Kade would have gotten better. I never thought things would get this bad. I’m so, so sorry,” I sob.
Pulling my shoulders back, Dad looks me in the eye and swears one more time before he places his hands on my cheek, turning my neck to the side, and spots the bruises that were laid on me. “Now, I’m gonna say this once and that’ll be the last time, you hear me?”
Nodding my head, I usher him to continue. This is the most scared I’ve ever been in my life of my father. I don’t know what the hell to make of all of this. My mind is racing, my heart is pounding, and I have a damn headache the size of the Grand Canyon right now.
“You need to head into that bedroom of yours, pack up your belongings, and get those boys ready- y’all are coming home with your momma and me tonight. No questions asked, you hear.”
“But I-”
“I, nothing, Lani,” he yells, cutting me off. “You are bringing my grandchildren and yourself away from that monster before he kills one of you, sweetheart. End of discussion. Now go on, I want the three of you to be out of here before Kade gets back home.”
Moving out of his arms, I slowly walk with my head down until I’ve stopped right outside of Justin’s bedroom door. It’s open, and he’s sitting on his bed with his elbows placed on his
knees, resting his head inside of his hands.
“Hey, love bug,” I call out to him, trying my best not to break down.
Lifting his head, the look on Justin’s face shows me just how broken he truly is, and I can’t help but blame myself for everything that has happened- what he and his baby brother have been through. I allowed Kade’s behavior to get this far by not opening my mouth and telling someone. But no one understands why, and I’m having one hell of a time trying to get them to even listen to me.
When you are constantly beat down and run back to a man you’ve been in love with for as long as you can remember, it’s hard to think of your life alone- by yourself, no matter how much pain he’s caused you. And trust me, I’ve had enough given to me by Kade to last a lifetime.
There are a lot of things my family and friends have no idea about when it comes to Kade and me. He’s done more than what I’ve ever been able to lay on the table, nevertheless I’d never be able to face any of them if they were to ever find out. Not only is all of this embarrassing, it’s painful to relive, to think about, and I will do whatever I have to do to hide the rest of my pain. I will be strong and fight through this, it’s just a matter of getting to that place first. It’s my fault. For once in my life, I thought I was strong enough to handle it on my own. Guess I was wrong. Ha! Now look where it got me.
“Grandma, Grandpa, and Uncle Parker are out in the other room waiting on us. We are going to Grandma and Grandpa’s house for a couple of days until I can get these issues with your father sorted out. Can you pack up some clothes for me?”
Raising his eyebrow, Justin smears a grin on his adorable little face and rushes over, wrapping his arms around me. “Thank you, Momma. I’ll pack now.”
Without another word, my baby boy reaches into his closet and pulls out his weekend bag and begins throwing his clothes inside. “Don’t forget your PSP and your iPod. You will need something to do there since I’m not really sure how long all of this is going to take. And bring your book bag. Y’all can’t miss school on Monday.”
