by J. R. Grant
Acknowledging my request, I walk out of Justin’s room and head straight into Zakrie’s bedroom. His door is closed as I reach my hand out and tap on it twice before pushing it open.
My baby’s oblivious to it all, laying on his bed with ear phones in, playing on his PSP. Zakrie has no idea I’m even in front of him until I touch his foot, which makes him jump straight up.
“Hey, Momma. You scared me.”
“Hey, buddy. I didn’t mean to scare you, but I need you to get up, okay? We are going to Grandma and Grandpa’s for a couple of days until your father and I can get some issues sorted out. Do you think you can get your weekend bag and pack up some clothes and toys for me?”
Giving me a questionable look, Zak asks, “Why can’t we stay here? Is everything okay with you and Daddy?”
Blinking back the tears, I demand them to stay put until I make it to my room. I’ve got to be strong. Now more than ever, these two little boys depend on me with their lives, and I vow to myself, to the both of them, and to God, I will never allow anything like this to happen again.
“We’re good, baby. Momma just needs a break, and Grandpa said we could come there. Is that okay with you?”
Taking my hand, Zakrie kisses my fingers and quickly releases me, moving around in his room to get ready.
Taking that as my cue to leave him be, I head back down the hall and make it to my bedroom in one piece before I walk into the bathroom and sit down on the tub.
Why? Why does my life have to fall apart like this? Have I not been through? Or have I been living that big of a lie just so I could be somewhat happy?
I’m so angry with myself. I’m hurt- this pain is getting to be too much to bear alone. God, all of this is killing me, slowly but surely. I feel as though I’m slithering away.
How can you tell someone you love them and then put their hands on them and call them every name under the sun, moon, and stars? You just can’t. You can’t. That’s not love, it’s possession- it’s control. It’s all about wearing the big man’s pants and running the show. Or was it all to keep me from finding out he’s having an affair and has another son?
Did my husband ever truly love me? Or was this all to keep Kade looking good to our family and friends and his co-workers? I don’t understand how any of this got so far out of control.
I know I sound like a broken record, but how do I move on from this type of pain? Just walk away and let everything go that I have spent years building with the man I thought loved me more than life itself. How do I just let go? Please, God, please. Help me and lead my path in the right direction, because right now, I have no freaking idea what I’m doing or even how to feel other than chewed up and spit out, used and abandoned.
Kade hasn’t always been the bad guy. There were good things about him too. But I guess stepping outside of the box and looking in, I can now see what everyone’s talking about. It’s time to finally walk away from the only life I’ve ever known albeit I’m scared shitless. My biggest prayer right now is that the boys and I are able to leave in peace and nothing else is brought up. If Kade brags to his friends and co-workers, or tells anyone in our family what else he’s done to me, I’m never going to be able to show my face around here again. Family or not, I’ll be even more humiliated, if that’s even feasible.
Cleaning up myself, I pack my clothes and pull out a piece of paper from my nightstand. Instead of confronting the guy I’d given my heart to years ago about leaving, I’m going to put it all on paper. Maybe this way, Kade will finally realize he needs to change. Once and for all, our marriage is finally over. We are finally through.
Dear Kade,
Today is the day I take the boys and leave everything we’ve ever shared behind. I’m sorry it’s come down to us separating, but it’s in our best interest, and for best interest for our children if we go our own way.
You and I haven’t been good together for quite some time and unfortunately, I’ve been holding on to a fairy tale that just wasn’t real. It never will be.
You changed drastically since the day I delivered Justin and it hurts. I never got my husband back. I missed you, yearned for you, and all I ever wanted was for you to love me. But you didn’t. Instead, you abused me, lied to me, called me names, and hurt me in every way imaginable.
You and I have been through hell, and I truly believe it’s past the time for the boys and me to start living again.
The pain I have from just writing this letter hurts worse than you’ll ever know, Kade. I loved you more than life itself. I know I have a lot of questions that’ll never get answered, but the main one is, “Why?” Why wasn’t I ever enough?
Didn’t you ever think one day I would find out about Jules and your son? Or did you think you could keep them a secret forever? How could you, Kade Foster? I thought we shared an unbreakable bond. I thought you genuinely loved me. All this time, all these years, I was wrong.
I hope one day you can find peace and happiness, but more importantly, I pray you and I are both able to find closure. You need help, Kade, and I really hope you take this opportunity to help yourself. You deserve happiness too, I’m just sad I couldn’t be the one to give it to you.
In the meantime, when things calm down, I will be in touch to see what you’d like to do about seeing the boys. But for now, I believe it’s best if we let time heal all three of our wounds. Justin and Zakrie love you, but you’ve hurt them by hurting their mom, and they have to learn how to forgive you and so do I.
You have been the love of my life since I was twelve years old, Kade, and this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’d promised myself for so long that I wouldn’t give up, I couldn’t, but as time went by, you hurt me more and more every day. And today, I have no fight left in me.
Just promise me one thing. Promise me you’ll take good care of yourself and find the happiness you deserve. It kills me to do this, but I know I have to, it’s a must. We both deserve so much more.
This should have been a hate letter, but after all of the tears and heartache you gave me, I don’t have anything left. You’ve made me numb. I will pray for you to find your place here on this earth. So, until that time comes, please remember how much I loved you. I forgive you, even though I shouldn’t, and I’m letting you go. It’s past time.
I have loved you always,
Your pretty girl♥
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lani
“Is that the last box?” Cruz asks, coming up the steps.
“Yes, I think Justin grabbed the two bags that were sitting on the counter, but you might want to double check. He’s been all over the place today.”
Walking through the house one more time, I triple check our bedrooms, the kitchen, and the bathroom to make sure nothing was left behind before meeting everyone else back out front.
“Momma, I’m riding with Uncle Parker,” Zakrie hollers from across the lawn as I come down the steps.
“I’m riding with Uncle Cruz,” Justin says behind him as he jumps in the back of Cruz’s truck.
“Well that settles it then. I guess Justin’s riding with me.” Cruz smiles and holds open his arms.
“I couldn’t have done it without any of you today. Thank you!” I give him a hug. Today wouldn’t have been possible without his strong arms.
“You’re welcome! I had fun,” he says with a wink.
“Hey, me too! Zakrie kept Lauren busy. That’s my little homeboy! Oh, and Lauren had fun, so that should say something. I think we did good.” Ryder laughs as she buckles Lauren in the seat.
“Thank you, Ry. You’re a godsend!” I blow Lauren a kiss and shut the car door. “See you in a little bit, love bug!”
I turn back around and come to face Parker. He’s leaning against the tree next to his car. His arms are crossed over his chest and the tight black shirt he’s wearing is hugging all of his chest muscles in the right places.
“You have no idea how much I appreciate all of your help, Hawk,” I says as I ma
ke my way over to him. “I can’t thank you enough!”
He kisses the top of my forehead and wraps his arms around my waist. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, Princess. I told you I’d always be here, didn’t I?” He inches his fingers to my hip and starts tickling me.
I try and squirm out of his hold, laughing hysterically. “STOP! Please. I’m gonna pee my pants.”
He lets go on the hold he has around me and leans over and laughs.
Straightening my shirt, I give my best friend the evil eye. Damn him, he knows I hate being tickled. Why does he have to mess with me?
Parker pulls me back against his chest and tips his mouth down to my ear. “I love you!”
“I love you too!” I reply and lift my head to kiss his nose.
“I’ll see you back at the house.”
Everyone tells my parents goodbye before getting ready to take off into town.
“This is it then,” my mom says, as she turns around and walks over to my car, her eyes filled with tears.
“Don’t cry, Mom,” I tell her and reach out for a hug. “I’ll be ten minutes away, if that. You and Dad are welcome over anytime.”
Squeezing me in her arms, she stands back and smiles. “I know, but I like having y’all here where I know you’re okay. It’s really going to be weird without seeing those boys of yours running batshit crazy through the house, you know. I kind of got used to it. Maybe even secretly liked it a little,” she says jokingly, nudging my dad’s arm. “Isn’t that right, Pop Pop?”
“She’s right, sweetheart! I’ll miss those little stinkers. But I’ll miss my little girl even more,” Dad says as he brings me in for a hug.
We are the hugging-est family you would ever meet, but that’s how we express our love and our gratitude for one another. It must be a Smith thing!
“You sure you’re gonna be alright to move, sweetheart? It told ya there’s no rush. Y’all can stay as long as you like. No harm done over here.”
“I know, Dad, but we’ve got to move on. I have to learn how to do this on my own,” I tell him, trying my best not to cry. “Thank you for opening up your home to my family and for helping me get back on my feet. I love you and Mom more than anything in this world! I don’t know what I would ever do without either one of you.”
“We love you too, Lani Renee’, more than you’ll ever know,” he replies. “And as far as ever going without us. We ain’t going anywhere anytime soon. You just have to let us in. Don’t hide or try and run from your life when the going gets tough. Grab that son of a bitch by its balls and take control. You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, sweetheart. You should know that by now.”
He’s right. I have put my life on the backburner to take care of everyone else, and most recently because of the pain. It’s time I learn to fight through issues that arise in my life rather than run away. Reaching up on my tippy toes, I kiss my dad’s cheek and hop in my car. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry once we finally leave but damn it, here comes the tears.
“I love you, sweetie. Kiss the boys goodnight for Dad and me. We’ll call you all tomorrow. Drive safe!” Mom walks over to the front door while my dad wraps her in his arms.
Here I go, I can do this……
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Depression is a tormented cloud that destroys a person’s mind. It robs you of your happiness, takes away all of your energy, makes you push everyone you love out of reach, and keeps you hidden from the world in fear that someone will ridicule you and what you’re going through. It corrupts your mind, makes you believe no one cares, and if you’re not careful, it’ll destroy every little piece within you.
Depression has no boundaries when taking over residency in your mind. It doesn’t care who you are, how much you’ve had to deal with, or where you have been. It’s a never-ending battle and not a pretty place to be. I sure as shit wouldn’t wish any kind of depression on my worst nightmare. But if you add anxiety into the mix of it all, you have one big clusterfuck of a mess. That’s the best way to describe my life for the past eleven months.
I began getting panic attacks when I became pregnant with Justin, was born. I don’t know where they came from or how they got there, but I wanted nothing more than to have the constant fear of dying leave me alone. Throughout the years, I have been battling this demon day in and day out. No one in my family understood what I was going through. They had never experienced anxiety before. They didn’t know what I was feeling or why I would count the number of heartbeats on my neck all the time. They were clueless. Everyone thought I was just a worry wart and pushed whatever I was feeling at the time, to the side, never looking back and realizing that I used to be the last person in the world to worry about anything in life. I was the most free-spirited girl you could have ever met.
Anxiety has stopped me from leaving the house, coming out of my room, and even socializing with those who love me. But when the depression came on after hearing the most devastating news of my life, I had one of the worst nervous break downs imaginable. One that nearly killed me.
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Eleven long months have passed since I stood up for my boys and myself, and walked away from the one person who is to blame for it all. Still to this day, I can’t believe any of it was real. Everything that happened feels so much like a nightmare that I’m just waiting to be pinched and woken back up. It’s been four years since Kade and Owen’s accident. I can’t believe how fast time has flown by.
I never thought for one second I would survive the pain that hit me. I thought my life was over. The heartache alone was enough to make me want to take my own life even when I knew better. I had never been suicidal before, the thoughts had never crossed my mind. But Kade Foster destroyed me, and because of him, my life will never be the same.
After leaving the house Kade and I shared together and moving the boys and myself in with my parents, I had stayed locked in the guest room for a quite some time. I couldn’t function, couldn’t sleep, and I sure as hell couldn’t take care of my responsibilities. I am very fortunate to have a loving, caring family that chose to help me, in more ways than one, get through the heartache. I don’t think the pain from it all will ever fully go away, but I’m getting better each and every day.
My parents didn’t push me, didn’t yell or try and manipulate the situation I was in. Instead, they encouraged me, helped me in every way that they possibly could, and prayed their devastated daughter would survive the storm.
The day I opened the letter from Jules, I never bothered contacting Kade. I moved out and left him a letter saying goodbye. That was it.
After I heard what Parker had done to Kade after I ran out of the office before our scheduled meeting, I figured any communication with my husband would had been pointless. I mean, what could I have said? Why did you do this to your wife and kids? I would have wasted more of my breath and so much more energy than I had to give at that time. I just couldn’t do it.
The day the truth was revealed, Parker met up with Kade and from what I understand, Parker beat the ever living shit out of him. When Kade didn’t return back to work that afternoon, his father was alarmed, and contacted the police. Later that evening, after he helped me get settled into my parents’ house, the police knocked on Parker’s door and questioned him regarding Kade’s whereabouts. Luckily, Parker, Kade, and I grew up with Tom Duffy, the on-duty local sheriff, and fortunately enough for Parker, Tom heard about what had happened with Jules, so he was not too worried about locating Kade.
Tom agreed that Kade was probably running away from everyone so he could clear his head, and he would be back soon knowing that’s what he has done in the past. After that night, Ocean City, Maryland was a ghost town from Kade Foster’s presence.
Kade never came looking for me and the boys. He never called and questioned my parents on where we were or asked to see the kids. He never cared enough to know if we were okay. Nothing. Kade did absolutely nothing to apologize for the sins he had committed tha
t broke our family apart.
When I wrote the goodbye letter to my husband, I meant everything I said. I forgave him for all of his wrong doing, but I would never be able to forget. How Kade treated me and the boys won’t ever leave my mind, no matter how hard I try to block the memories.
The names Kade has called me had made me extremely self-conscious. I haven’t been able to look at myself in the mirror the same. The memories of his fists blowing across my skin will never leave my mind. I’ll always live in fear of another man hurting me. What Kade has done can’t be taken away. And now that a life has been created because of his mistakes, unfortunately I have no other choice than to live with the pain. The man destroyed everything within me: our family, my heart, my life. And if I saw him fifty years from now, it would be too soon.
After a month and a half of refusing to have any kind of communication with anyone other than the boys, Parker, Cruz, and Ryder got together with my parents and held an intervention for me. The five of them planned a meeting with Suzan Meyers, a local psychiatrist, and discussed a few different treatment options to help me overcome this battle of depression, while I continued to deprive myself from the world.
One of the options Suzan offered was to leave the state, fourteen hours away, and stay at a treatment center to take a break from reality. I would have learned how to deal with the depression and anxiety in my life, and I would have been taught coping mechanisms in group therapy.
The other treatment option was to see the psychiatrist three times a week until I got back on my feet again. I could stay home and not leave my surroundings, but I had to follow through with one of the plans. No questions asked.
After careful consideration, I spent twenty-two weeks in therapy with the local psychiatrist and was finally able to start come back out of my shell.
Not a day has gone by that has been easy. I have learned a lot of ways to work my mind through situations in case they ever arise again. Dealing with depression is a nightmare. I hate it with a passion. Anxiety isn’t any better, but now that I have learned how to cope when a panic attack comes on, I’m getting better by the day.
