Obscurati

by Wynn Wagner

He continued to run our little empire, and he took up residence in the room once occupied by Menz and Paco. I had mixed emotions about that, but Oberon convinced me that it would be a good idea to help us move on.

  Lonny wasn’t oversexed like Oberon. He might have been exclusive with us. I didn’t ask. He didn’t tell, but he always seemed to be available when I wanted to play with his butt or to be top. He was always available when Oberon wanted his ass. Lonny became a full member of our family, and all three of us were happy. It took time, but Oberon relaxed because he knew that he and I were still the main deal.

  What I didn’t say was that I wanted to take things to the next level: a ménage à trois. That was what we basically had, but we didn’t use the term. I didn’t push it, but I did speak to Pierre about it. He told me that I was off my rocker, so I let the whole thing slide.

  I had two men in my life. Oberon was always numero uno, and I could not imagine getting through a day without him. He was the man of my dreams. Lonny was there too, and I had to admit that I was in love with him too. At first it was just lust and friendship, but it had grown into something more. It wasn’t like it was with Oberon, but I loved being around Lonny.

  Maybe it was a Texas thing.

  I was in love with two men, and that confused and scared me. Oberon was always the one who wanted extra men, but he slowly adjusted to having Lonny in the equation. Lonny was always eager for anything. He told us both that he was madly in love with both of us, and he wanted to spend a thousand years with us.

  Lonny kept his own bedroom but spent more time with us than he did by himself. He never wanted to go hunting for human sex. He was completely happy and satisfied being with Oberon and me. When I thought about it, I freaked out. Oberon told me he loved me and that I just needed to relax and enjoy our really complicated life.

  Neither of them tried to get me to leave the other. I had two men loving me, and that scared the daylights out of me.

  Let’s review: three vampires, and two of us were the most feared Obscurati hit squad on the planet. The third was a tall guy who liked running all our estates and managing our empire. Oberon still wanted to have sex several times a day. I was happy with once or twice a day. Lonny was just happy; if he got sex, that was great, if he didn’t, there would always be tomorrow. Oberon was the mad scientist, I was the trigger man, and Lonny was the business manager.

  On some level, it all seemed so natural. I didn’t know how we had gotten to that point, but I liked it. All our pieces fit, and all three of us had jobs we could do. I didn’t like pulling the trigger sometimes, but that was something I had to deal with. I knew it was something that needed to be done, even if I hated murdering teenage vampires who didn’t know marauding and killing humans was wrong.

  We had a lot of moving pieces, but somehow all the pieces were able to fly in close formation.

  Hamlet was a regular visitor. He had given up on teaching me how to fight, but Lonny was willing to learn. They seemed to enjoy each other. I think it was all business. If there was any hanky-panky, I didn’t know about it. I didn’t want to know.

  LONNY and I were playing Texas hold ’em, and he was wiping the floor with me. He was a great poker player, and I was down about €5,000. Why do I even play poker with him? He always wins.

  Suddenly there was a loud screech. All the alarms in the Bavarian mansion went off at once. Someone or something had crossed the security bubble over the estate. When the humans heard the alarm, they scrambled to safety like they were trained.

  Lonny took charge of the safety of the humans, so we didn’t have to worry about them. He was blazingly fast but not very good with levitation, but he had all the staff trained and did regular security drills. They found shelter quickly regardless of where they were on the property, and this time it wasn’t a drill. This time, all those drills saved their hides.

  Oberon played back a recording of the security system. Radar had picked up seven objects moving at vampire speed. They had gone through the invisible bubble and landed in a wooded area inside our security perimeter about two kilometers from the main house. Radar and strategically placed TV cameras could pick them up. Damn, Lonny had done a good job on this. It was all orderly without any panic or drama.

  I grabbed my sniper rifle and an assault rifle. Oberon grabbed a duffel bag that he kept loaded for just this kind of emergency. It had rifles and ammunition and who knew what. We cloaked ourselves like that vampire in India had taught us and slowly floated toward the intruders. Oberon had a handheld monitor that was tied into the security system. It gave him a radar feed and television images of the grounds. He was able to track the seven intruders in real time.

  He signaled for us to stop when we were several hundred meters away. Oberon had some sort of long-range microphone in his duffel bag, and he pointed it at the group of vampires who were sitting on a rock and talking. They apparently were the remnants of the group that had killed Menz, Paco, and six of our staff members. They were here for revenge.

  What is it with these vampires? They attack the estate and still think they need revenge because we fought back?

  Lonny had security professionals monitoring the television feeds and who knew what else. They told us through ear buds that the seven vampires were the only unaccounted-for objects. I told them to maintain radio silence unless it was an emergency.

  Pierre popped into my head and said he was on the way. I didn’t know if the security system had alerted him directly or if he sensed the trouble. I didn’t respond because I had all my shields up. With any luck, the seven would be little ash mounds by the time he arrived with the cavalry.

  I set up the PSG as fast as I could. It was hard to stay shielded and quiet. When everything was in place, Oberon wrote down the numbers that I needed to set the sight. He handed me one of the large magazines. He wanted these guys dead. The clip was full of silver bullets.

  After a minute of relaxing, I started pulling the trigger. Three of the seven burst into flames instantly, but the others disappeared into the sky. Oberon tried to find them on his portable radar unit.

  One was easy to find because he attacked us from behind. He raced in and grabbed my arm. Within a second, the two of us were thirty meters in the air. The rogue vampire spun and was about to throw me. POP went Oberon’s pistol, and the vampire went up in a blaze of flame that fell back to earth. I was a little disoriented from all the spinning. I was sure Oberon would be calling me a “dizzy queen” before the night was over. Unfortunately, the fireball set some of the dry vegetation of the forest floor on fire. I tried to put it out while Oberon located the other two vampires.

  “House,” was all he said. He was off in an instant, carrying an assault rifle strapped to his back. He had his little radar unit in one hand and the pistol in the other. Oberon was a crack shot with the pistol, but I wouldn’t call him a warrior. He was lethal with the weapons, but he didn’t have the instincts of a fighter. It wouldn’t be good for him to be alone with the remaining rogue vampires. They would rip him to shreds, and I couldn’t let that happen. Not on my watch.

  Another of the vampires was headed straight for me, and I was pissed. I sprang up to meet him. This was a jump, not levitation. I hit the vampire in the chest at full speed. My fist went entirely through his body. When I pulled my hand out, I grabbed the vampire’s heart. He looked startled. He also looked fairly dead. Just to be sure, I followed him down to the ground and pulled his head completely off his body. I threw the head as far as I could, which is quite a distance.

  Oberon was gone. The only thing he had told me was that they were headed for the house. I saw Oberon a kilometer or two away. He was following the final two vermin. Oberon threw something at one of them.

  Threw something? Was he crazy or something? Oberon was angry because these were some of the goons who had murdered Menz and Paco.

  All of a sudden there was a flash, and one of the vampires was thrown upwards several hundred meters by the concussion of the explosion. The othe
r burst into flames. Oberon had thrown an anti-vampire grenade. I didn’t even know he had such a thing, but it was impressive. I was almost useless because of the PSG. I didn’t want to drop it, because that would probably destroy the weapon, but I didn’t have time to get the sniper rifle on the ground and go join the fight.

  I didn’t need to. Hamlet appeared out of nowhere. Pierre was there too, but Hamlet found the other rogue vampire. When I saw him, he had the vamp’s head in one hand and the body in the other. He just flew in and ripped the guy’s head off. No head, no vampire. Hamlet dropped both, and Pierre followed. Pierre always carries some kind of blowtorch in his pocket. I think it is like a cigarette lighter, but one that puts out a foot-long flame. He set the body and head on fire. I watched, and Oberon headed back to get all our equipment.

  “It’s over, Lonny,” I said using mind-words. “You can sound the all clear.” Having Lonny turned vampire made communication easier. It didn’t matter where he was, I could always get inside his mind.

  Within a few seconds, I heard several dings and beeps coming out of the house and speakers around the estate. It was the signal to the humans that whatever was wrong had been fixed.

  “I was in the area,” Hamlet said.

  “Thanks,” I grinned.

  “What are you two going to do if we go on a long trip?” he asked.

  “Dude, there were seven of them,” I complained. “We got six, you know. You drag your sorry ass in and kill one and act like you saved the friggin’ day.”

  He came over to hug me and kiss me. Pierre flew up but didn’t offer any touchy-feely anything, which was okay by me. That would have freaked me out.

  “Where did you get that blowtorch?” I asked.

  “Any hardware store,” Pierre said. “There’s probably an all-night one in Munich. If not, let me know and I will send you a couple. They use butane, like a cigarette lighter.”

  “Oh, I thought it was propane or MAPP gas or something.”

  “Yikes, MAPP? You aren’t welding the bad guy. Just regular butane. You don’t need much flame to turn a vampire into a fireball, but you have to be careful to get a childproof one.”

  “Why?”

  “You don’t want it going off accidentally in your pocket,” Pierre said.

  “Point noted.”

  “How’s Lonny?” Hamlet asked.

  “Great. Let’s go see him,” I said. “He kept the whole staff safe on this one, and I need to thank him.”

  “There is one other matter,” Pierre said. “Hamlet and I want to borrow your estate.”

  Hamlet showed me his right hand, and there was a ring with a diamond the size of Berlin.

  Chapter 18

  “MARRIED?”

  “Yes, Father Johannes,” Hamlet said.

  “Impossible,” the priest said.

  “I thought you married gay couples,” Pierre said quietly.

  “I do, but I love you both. I mean, I’ve known Hamlet for longer.”

  “So what’s the problem?” Pierre asked.

  “Marriage messes things up,” Father Johannes whispered.

  “Father,” I said. “Pierre doesn’t know you like the rest of us.”

  The priest pulled back, and I just shook my head.

  “Do you know why men prefer to marry virgins?” the priest asked.

  “No, Father,” Hamlet said.

  “They can’t stand criticism.”

  Pierre and Hamlet decided to get married, and they asked if they could use the chapel on the estate. Menz had had a small chapel built for some of the local humans to use. It was an Old Catholic Church (Altkatholische Kirche), all Catholic but not Roman Catholic. Menz said it was his way of showing the local humans that the owner of the residence wasn’t a spooky recluse.

  Father Johannes had been a priest at the chapel for as long as I had been around. We never talked about having a vampire as a priest. I don’t actually know for a fact that he’s a vampire, but he hasn’t aged in a hundred years, and he only appears at night. Do the math.

  Oberon and I continued to let Father Johannes say Mass in the chapel every Sunday and on the major feast days. Mass was always at night and had a fairly good following in the vampire community. Nobody seemed to mind that Oberon and I were a couple, and we never tried to hide or lie about it. If anybody knew we were vampires, they kept it to themselves. Vampires are just fictional characters, right?

  Many of our human blood donors and groundskeepers are members of the church. There is another priest who comes to town on major feasts to say Mass during the day. I’m told that the chapel is completely full.

  The priest said he would be honored to say a nuptial mass for Pierre and Hamlet.

  “‘Love’ is just one of the four-letter words you hear in a marriage,” the priest continued.

  “What are the others?” Pierre asked with some hesitation. He was catching on.

  “Let’s see… um… ‘soap’ and ‘dust’ and ‘iron’ and…”

  “Ach du lieber, Vater,” Hamlet said.

  I didn’t think Catholics were okay with same-gender marriage, but the priest reminded us that he was Catholic but not Roman Catholic. He assured me that nobody in the Old Catholic Church would mind.

  “They don’t mind vampires, for crying out loud,” he assured us. “A couple of guys in love won’t even be a blip on their screens.”

  “How’s Ludwig?” I asked. When Hamlet looked puzzled, I explained it was a guy that the priest was dating.

  “Gone,” the priest said. “We were just friends, you know.”

  “Whatever you say, Father.”

  We found that some of the pews needed to be repaired and kneelers needed to be re-covered. We scolded the priest gently for not telling us about what needed to be done. He tried to pass it off because the church doesn’t pay rent, but we got him to promise to let Lonny know when things needed attention.

  Lonny and Oberon got a full crew in the chapel. There were painters and carpenters. Electricians completely rewired everything and installed new hanging light fixtures. They hired other workers to replace broken tiles on the roof and other electricians to attach solar electricity panels to the top.

  Stone workers repaired or replaced broken areas of the outside wall. They also finished carving the figures that were in the original plans for the chapel but had never been done. Sandblasters came to clean all the muck from the outside walls.

  Glassworkers replaced or repaired all of the stained-glass windows that needed attention. A lot of the lead beading on the windows was missing or damaged and had to be fixed. One window had nothing but frosted glass, even though it was obviously designed for stained glass. Lonny got the glassworkers to get together with the priest to come up with a design that would fit with the other windows. They had it installed within just a few days, so I think they cobbled together something out of glass they already had.

  The steeple had room for three church bells, but only one was there. Oberon found two additional bells and had them installed. The priest said a bishop came by to bless the church bells. That happened during the day, and we didn’t get to meet the bishop. Apparently church bells are a big deal and get special treatment before they are installed. I don’t know how the priest explained everything to the bishop. I think Father Johannes only comes out at night, but I’m not absolutely sure. Whatever.

  Work on the chapel went around the clock because we didn’t have much time. There were no nearby neighbors to complain. By the time the workers had finished, it was a very quick but thorough makeover.

  Our human staff decorated the chapel a few days before the service. There were candles everywhere. The day before the wedding, they added truckloads of flowers. Oberon put flowers up where humans couldn’t reach, but I never saw any raised eyebrows. The priest and the locals probably thought we used really tall ladders.

  “There are so many flowers,” I told Lonny, “that I don’t see why we needed to paint the interior. You can’t see the friggin’ wal
ls.”

  Oberon slapped me. “Don’t say ‘friggin’ inside a church. And what’s that sign at the highway entrance?”

  “You saw my sign?”

  “No, but five or six people have made sure that I knew what you did.”

  “Lechmont Manor,” I said.

  “Take it down,” he said as he slugged me.

  “Ouch! It’s a stone sign,” I said. “Very understated and proper.”

  “There’s nothing proper about that name. Oh, never mind, but don’t come crying to me if Menz comes back to haunt you. I may help him.”

  I hired a chamber orchestra to play in the chapel and then to have some background music in the library. They played one of the Bach concerti that Hamlet and Pierre had heard on their first date. The entrance song was the “Canon in D” by Johann Pachelbel, followed by Jeremiah Clarke’s “Prince of Denmark March” (usually called “Trumpet Voluntary”), but with strings instead of trumpets. And the closing music was sort of Oberon’s theme song: the “Wedding March” from Felix Mendelssohn’s music for A Midsummer Night’s Dream. I know Hamlet is a character in a completely different play, but the Mendelssohn music is traditional. I learned more about wedding music that I ever wanted to know. Just ask me. That “here comes the bride, all fat and wide” song is really from an opera by Richard Wagner, but I nixed using it as the opening song because I know Hamlet detests opera. The chamber orchestra said it was traditional, but I told them we would have to change tradition for this one. I was paying the bill, so I got my way.

  I even suggested “Wedding Bell Blues” by the Fifth Dimension or Laura Nero, but Oberon smacked me on the head. I guess that would have been out of place.

  “Hey, it’s a pretty song,” I complained.

  “Yeah, but it is about not getting married,” he said. “Shut up and quit being such a poop.”

  I asked Lonny and Schmidt to see if they could find a small pipe organ for the chapel. It wasn’t for the wedding, because a whole balcony would have to be built, but I thought it would be nice for the parishioners to have a musical instrument with pipes.