One Love

by Emery, Lynn

  When he walked out to his car, he did not have to glance back. He could feel Karin watching him from the doorway even as he drove down the street. Alex knew what the rest of this night would be like-very little sleep and lots of hard thinking.

  ***

  “I’m losing my mind. This is stupid!”Lanessa gazed at herself in the mirror in disgust.

  Three blouses, a pair of pants and a dress were piled on her queen-sized bed. She could not decide what to wear today. Having lunch with Alex was not reason to behave like a mixed-up teenager. Once again she reminded herself it was only a one-time deal. They would pick over their food, she’d make her speech and that would be that. Right? The woman that looked back at her in the mirror did not seem sure. With a loud groan, she snatched up the white cotton blouse.

  “I’m not going to do this!” she said out loud.

  Lanessa willed her mind blank as she put on her clothes. She settled on a red straight skirt just above the knee, her while blouse and the red jacket that matched the skirt. Just as determined to keep her wits, she drove to the office. Then her mind stopped cooperating. Lanessa kept darting glances at the digital clock. Would those numbers ever move? The hours dragged until eleven-thirty. Then in a rollercoaster like reversal, she wanted more time. In thirty minutes she would be face to face with Alex St. Romaine. All the horrible things she’d ever said or done to hurt him came back. He would probably let her have it. Lanessa felt as though she deserved to hear all the anger. Yet the thought of seeing revulsion and anger in those eyes left her cold with dread. The clock jumped forward to eleven-forty. Time to go or she’d be late.

  The City Cafe was located in an old building that had been a drug store in downtown Baton Rouge for over seventy years. Now it was modern restaurant that played classic soul, rock and blues through the speaker system. Lanessa used the walk from the public parking lot three blocks away to bolster her courage. A glance at her watch told her she was five minutes late. When she walked in, Alex waved to her from across the room.

  “I hope you haven’t been waiting long,” Lanessa said.

  ”Not really. I got here before twelve to make sure to beat the crowd.” Alex pulled out a chair for her.

  “This place has great hamburgers.” Lanessa took off her sunglasses and picked up a menu.” And onion rings that melt in your mouth.”

  “I know. Not that eating more fried foods is what I need,” Alex said with a laugh.

  Lanessa glanced at him when she was sure his attention was on the menu. From what she saw Alex was in great shape. His body had the tone of a man who exercised and ate right. Strong, broad shoulders and muscular arms were evident beneath the light blue jacket he wore. The old Lanessa would have boldly commented that he was looking real good.

  “Yeah, well I’ll behave and have a salad.” Lanessa spoke in a light tone that did not reflect the nervousness she felt. The waitress came and they ordered. Now what? Can’t chatter about ordering. The moment of truth is at hand. Mentally she took a deep breath.

  “Alex, I.” Lanessa began.

  “Lanessa…” Alex began at the same time. He stopped short.” I didn’t mean to cut you off.”

  “No, no, you go ahead.” Lanessa took a sip of water. Coward!

  ”I’m really glad you suggested we get together.” Alex stared down at the Formica tabletop.” I said things to you three years ago that have bothered me ever since.”

  “No, you don’t have anything to explain,” Lanessa broke in before he could continue. She leaned forward.” What you said was true. I was no good for anyone.”

  “I’m not trying to be a martyr. You did make mistakes.” Alex paused for a few moments.” But I spoke in anger and didn’t mean half of what I said.”

  “Mistakes are an understatement.” Lanessa felt no hesitation now. This was what her recovery was all about.” I was selfish. I told lies and made excuses for hurting you.”

  “The truth is I enjoyed having guys groan with envy when I walked in with you on my arm.” Alex glanced at her then away.” It cut both ways.”

  “No, Alex, it wasn’t the same at all. You really cared about me. What I cared about was image, social position and getting my way.” Lanessa would not let him give her an out.

  ”Even when you were laughing back then, there was a kind of nervous tension. It was like you were always too wound up to really enjoy anything.” Alex leaned forward until their faces were on inches apart.” Are you really happier now?”

  “You mean am I still drinking and popping pills.” Lanessa wore a sad smile. After the mountain of broken promises, this was always a hidden question from those she’d burned before.

  “I didn’t mean that, really.” Alex glanced down.” But you can’t have one and have the other, drugs and happiness I mean.”

  “I did finally figure that one out. But I couldn’t quit alone.”

  Lanessa thought of the intense, excruciating craving that consumed her. Detox had been pure hell. Then there were the days of hating everyone and everything. The world was cold and ugly without that fuzzy haze of a constant high. Reality bit and bit hard.

  “But you did it.” Alex gazed at her intently.

  There was the hint that this was a question he needed answered. Lanessa nodded.” Yes. I did. Actually I’m still recovering every day.”

  “Good for you.”

  Lanessa shook her head slowly.” You had every right to be angry. Telling you I’m sorry seems so inadequate. But it’s all I have. I’m sorry for all the times I hurt you,” she said in a soft voice. Tears formed in her eyes making her look away until she collected herself.

  For a long time neither spoke. The voices of other diners around them seemed a distant buzz. Lanessa felt no release from having said the words. Without that pleasant numbness that substance abuse provided, the sharp lines of real life cut. Disturbing images of what she’d been crowded her mind. This was what mad recovery so hard. It was one of the reasons so many alcoholics relapsed under the terrible stress.

  “I forgave you a long time ago. I didn’t want to carry around bitterness and anger.” Alex said.” But thanks so much for saying the words anyway.”

  Lanessa sniffed. She reached for a paper napkin and dabbed at her eyes.” Look at this. I’m making a fool of myself. Not to mention ruining my make up.”

  An embarrassed silence stretched between them. The waitress came and removed the plates of almost untouched food. Most of the working crowd drifted out reluctantly back to their offices.

  “So where do we go from here?” Alex said.

  The questioned startled Lanessa. “Nowhere. I mean we can at least part on better terms this time.”

  “Friends?”

  “I don’t expect us to be pals, Alex. I’m sober, remember?” she said with a short anxious laugh.” Relax; I’m not trying to… start anything. We can both go on with our lives.”

  “Fine, we can move on now.” Alex tapped the tabletop with his forefinger.” But I don’t see why we can’t be friends. Even see each other… as friends.”

  “Now I’m beginning to wonder what you’re on,” Lanessa wisecracked.” You and me together was an accident waiting to happen.”

  “We’re both coming from a different place now.” Alex took a deep breath then let it out.

  “You want to be friends?”Lanessa’s heart rebelled at the notion. Deep down she knew her body and soul needed more of him than friendship.” It’s not going to work.”

  “There are still a lot of questions I want to ask,” Alex blurted out.” Isn’t making amends part of personal recovery?”

  ”Well yes,” Lanessa admitted. She raised her eyebrows.” Wait a minute; you’ve been studying up on Twelve Steps.”

  “I did a lot of reading about addiction and the program you were in,” Alex said.” I wanted to understand you and me, too.”

  “I never knew that.” Lanessa stared at him in surprise.

  Alex looked at her with a sheepish grin.” So I didn’t cut the tie
s quite as cleanly as it seemed.”

  “Just proves even more that you’re a good man.” Lanessa swallowed hard. She blinked hard to keep tears from threatening again.

  “Don’t give me too much credit. I was feeling guilty for being so hard on you. You realize this is the first time I’ve been with you when you weren’t drinking?”

  “Curious to know what I’m like, eh? These days pretty boring.” Lanessa grinned.” All work, no play.”

  Alex wagged a finger at her.” That’s no good. How about dinner Saturday? Seafood at Pat’s.”

  ”In Henderson? You want to drive all that way?”Lanessa thought of the small picturesque town forty-five minutes from Baton Rouge. The restaurant sat on the bank of a small bayou.

  “You always demanded the best. Besides, I haven’t been there in ages.” Alex smiled widely.” We’ll go for a ride first. Pick you up around twelve?”

  “We’ll be gone all day!”Lanessa gazed at him now with astonishment.

  “There’s a new museum dedicated to Creole culture I want to show you. My family donated items to the exhibit.” Alex seemed excited now.” And then my cousin has a swamp tour, the first in the parish owned by a black family.”

  “I don’t know…” Lanessa felt as though she were a roller coaster. She wondered if her seatbelt was fastened.

  Alex gazed at her at though he read her mind. “I’m speeding along and haven’t looked to make sure you’re with me.”

  “No, it sounds wonderful. But… Alex we do need to pay attention to the caution signs.” Lanessa sighed. “Okay?”

  “Agreed. Two old friends working out bad history can have a little fun, right?”Alex looked at her with an encouraging expression.

  “I guess,” Lanessa replied. After a few more moments she smiled at him.” Saturday at noon.”

  “Great.”

  After a few minutes of paying the bill, Alex insisted that he treat, they parted. Lanessa spent the rest of the day trying to concentrate on work. Still her thoughts went back to his dark, sultry eyes staring at her. No animosity was there only caring.

  “Don’t let your imagination go wild, babe. Remember he kept saying ‘just friends’,” Lanessa mumbled to herself once more.

  Despite her own words of caution, she felt a kind of light-hearted happiness. None of the minor mishaps at the office could dampen her mood. In three days she would be riding through the lush green of Louisiana countryside with Alex.

  Chapter 5

  It was a gorgeous day. Bright sunshine painted the scenery with a pale yellow. Early summer in south Louisiana meant a lovely palette of colors. Purple, yellow, red and blue flowers had burst forth, the usual lush growth that sprouted in the subtropical climate. A light breeze carried the smell of wet earth. There was only one thing Alex could think of that made this day less than picture perfect, it would have to end.

  He gazed at Lanessa as she walked along the banks of the bayou. She looked so different and yet so familiar. Here she was dressed in Capri pants and a short sleeved cotton knit shirt seemingly at one with nature. Was this the same woman who did not even like picnics in City Park? Lanessa had always been strictly an indoor type. Yet obviously he’d have to get to know her all over again. A prospect that sent a stab of fire through him.

  “This bayou flows into Blind River and eventually to the swamp around Avery Island.” Lanessa spoke as she came toward him.

  Alex fell in step beside her and they walked away from a crowd of tourists.” I didn’t know you’d been here before.”

  “I haven’t. I’ve been pouring over waterways maps from the Department of Natural Resources for a job I’m doing.”

  “Gee thanks, you came because of work.” Alex threw up both arms.

  “You suggested we come here, remember?”Lanessa grinned.” Okay, I admit to thinking of work a tiny bit.”

  ”Excuse me while I pick up my male ego from the dirt,” Alex joked.

  “Work isn’t the reason I’m here,” Lanessa protested.

  Alex stopped.” So what is?”

  “You invited me.” Lanessa walked a few more steps then turned to face him.” I can’t resist being treated to a good time.” Her voice was light and teasing.

  “True.” Alex smiled then looked off into the distance.

  “And a few more things need to be said,” Lanessa murmured.

  “Yes.” Alex had no idea how to explain what he was feeling. Or maybe he did not yet know himself. They were both silent for a time.

  Lanessa sighed.” This wasn’t such a good idea.”

  “I put it behind me. No hard feelings.” Alex bent and picked up several pebbles. He tossed them in the air.

  “Really? So all those nights I left you standing alone at parties to flirt have been forgotten?”

  “Yep. I’ve gotten over it.” Alex threw a stone across the water. It skipped three times then sank.

  ”Of course I said some pretty nasty things, too. I wasn’t happy-go-lucky when I was drinking.” Lanessa moved closer to him.

  “I don’t think about it much.” He tossed another rock, this time harder.

  “Then there were the times I didn’t bother to return your phone calls. And I dated Harold behind your back.”

  “That was in college, long ago. We were just kids.” Alex flung the rest of the stones down.

  “I didn’t improve with age, Alex. Those were the high points of our relationship,” Lanessa said gently.

  “Why are you doing this?”He turned sharply to confront her.

  “Avoiding the cold, ugly truth won’t help either of us.” Lanessa studied him for several seconds.” Let’s go. Now I’m sure this was a bad idea.”

  “Wait.” Alex blocked her path.” When I saw you in New Orleans my first thought was how lovely you looked. Then within a few minutes I felt the same seething anger from five or six years ago. You were with some man and I wanted to punch his face in.”

  “Alex…”

  “Let me finish. I remembered how we would argue then quit speaking. I even suspected you were drinking again.”

  ”No reason you shouldn’t. I broke dozens of promises to quit,” Lanessa put in. She seemed to encourage him.

  Alex looked at her.” But what hurt most was seeing what you did to yourself. And that made me angry, too. I didn’t want to be with you. When I told you goodbye, I meant it.”

  He did not like this truth, but she’d asked for it.

  “I know you did,” she murmured.

  “Right now, logic tells me to turn away and not look back.” Alex walked up to within a foot of where she stood. “But I don’t want to.”

  “Maybe I should.”

  “Another hard truth?”

  Alex felt like a blow had struck his mid-section when she stared at the ground. He’d made a fool of himself. Of course she had gotten over him. They were to be friends. Only friends. His own words mocked him.

  “One of us has got to look past emotion and do what makes sense,” Lanessa said in a strained voice.” No matter how tough it is.” She pressed her lips together.

  He heard the note of sorrow in her voice.” Lanessa, come here.”

  Lanessa shook her head backed away.” It’s time to go.”

  Alex took two long strides and caught her arm. “Not yet.”

  “I can’t give you a guarantee. Even after almost three years, I take each day as it comes.” Lanessa pulled free. “You’ve been through enough because of me.”

  “We don’t have to just tell the truth, we have to live it.” Alex said. “I wanted to be with you so many times.”

  Alex wrapped both arms around her. Lanessa held back but only for a second. She relaxed against his body with a long slow gasp. They stood together in the shadow of a swamp oak. The only sound came from birds, the wind in grass and their breathing.

  “People will say you’re crazy for getting mixed-up with me again.” The fabric of his shirt muffled her voice. Lanessa hid her face like a child afraid.

  Al
ex stroked her hair.” I don’t care.”

  Lanessa looked up at him.” And what about your family? Don’t tell me you don’t care what they think?”

  “I do,” he admitted.” If they love me, they’ll learn to accept us.”

  ”Yes, but—”

  “We can’t solve everything in one afternoon.”

  Alex kissed her with tenderness and passion. Until their mouths met, he had not realized the hunger dormant inside him. He felt blown away with desire. His hands moved down her arms to her hips and pressed her to him. No other woman could make him burn like this. The sound of voices brought them back to their surroundings. They loosened their embrace. A group of giggling teenage girls passed within yards of them. Their two chaperones glared at Lanessa and Alex with disapproval.

  Lanessa wore a half smile.” Fine role models we are. We put on quite a show.”

  “Good thing they didn’t come a few moments later,” Alex whispered.” I was about to…”

  “Hold on now.” Lanessa place both palms on his chest. “We’re taking it slow.”

  “Yes ma’am.” Alex kissed her forehead. He was happy enough to agree to anything at this moment.

  “We should start off like any new couple. We’ll date and get to know each other.” Lanessa actually sounded prim and proper.

  ”Okay. I’ll pick you up at six tomorrow night.” Alex cradled her head against his neck. This is where she belonged, close to his body.” We’ll have dinner and talk more.”

  “New couples don’t date two nights in row usually, buster. They give it a few days and then…” Lanessa made a token effort to push away from him.

  Alex held her tighter.” Forget that, I want to see you again as soon as possible.”

  Lanessa put her arms around him.” Yes. Tomorrow night.”

  For the rest of the evening they touched in some way. They held hands walking to the gravel parking lot. Lanessa sat close to him, their thighs touching, on the ride to the restaurant. They did not talk seriously again by mutual consent. Instead they traded jokes and enjoyed flirting with each other shamelessly. By the time they kissed goodbye, Alex felt as though he could have floated off on a cloud of joy. Man, what a great feeling! It was if he’d been numb for years. No little voice of caution could dampen this shiny moment. He hummed a love song as he drove home. Not even the thought of his mother’s reaction made a difference. His only regret was that they had been apart this long.