Kate’s Song

by Jennifer Beckstrand

  Dr. Sumsion had either forgotten or chosen to ignore the fact that Kate had no access to a piano in Apple Lake, nor would she be fortunate enough to locate an accompanist among her Amish neighbors. At least she could look it over and become familiar with the passages before she returned to Milwaukee. If she returned.

  Kate,

  Enclosed is a list of songs I want you to learn for the Felsted competition. You are a sure contender to win the whole thing this year. Don’t underestimate the importance of preparing while you are at home. Do your vocalises every day and become familiar with the pieces.

  Dr. Matthews thinks I am pushing you too hard, but I told him that you of anyone are capable of incredible things when you put your mind to it. The people in Apple Lake have no idea what an amazing talent they have living in their midst.

  Sincerely, we miss you terribly and want you to come back. Don’t stay away too long. You’ll want to be back in plenty of time for school in September.

  Much affection, Dr. Sumsion

  The tugging and pulling on Kate’s heart intensified with every letter from Milwaukee, whether from Maria or her professor or one of her other friends. They truly loved her there. But then she thought of Elmer and Mamma and Dat. She loved them like her own soul. Could she turn her back on them and the world she grew up in?

  Kate could not have been more than four blocks from where the Englisch doctor had dropped them off when her directions sent her around a corner and down a narrow street with run-down buildings and unkempt lots. It seemed unlikely she would find a music store down this street, no matter how out-of-the-way it was. Halfway down the street, Kate stopped and examined her paper. Apparently she had taken a wrong turn, and an uneasy feeling crawled up her spine. She snapped her head to the left as a noise caught her attention. Three men, perhaps slightly younger than she, stood in the narrow space between two buildings, smoking cigarettes and staring in her direction.

  Her heart beat faster, and she scolded herself for being so skittish. She’d heard too many horror stories while living in Milwaukee. Surely she had nothing to fear in a small place like La Crosse.

  “Hey, Amish girl!” one hollered. “You wanna smoke?”

  The three exploded with laughter, and Kate thought it the wisest choice to ignore them and walk away. A boy with a bottle of beer in his hand called to her. “Amish girl, he offered you a smoke.”

  Lowering her head, Kate quickened her pace and kept walking. The boy suddenly appeared in front of her, blocking her path on the sidewalk.

  “Hey, look, guys! It’s a pretty Amish girl.”

  “Aw, leave her alone, Mark,” said his friend.

  Mark studied Kate’s face with bloodshot eyes and a look she’d seen a time or two at the academy. “I thought all Amish girls was ugly as sin.” He stepped closer. Kate could smell the drink on his breath.

  He reached out a hand to touch her, and she stepped back, lifting her head and squaring her shoulders. “Please let me pass,” she said, mixing her confident tone with disdain. She hoped that if she sounded unafraid, the boy would think better of picking on her.

  His expression flared with anger. “There’s an Amish girl at the store who won’t even look at me. Or talk to me.”

  Kate’s heart beat in her throat. Could she walk away and hope he gave up? She moved to her left and took a quick step before Mark grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

  Her mind raced through ideas for escape. How did Maria avoid a slap from her boyfriend when he was drunk and angry? But thinking of Maria brought back all the emotion associated with that horrible night.

  Stop it, Jared! She hasn’t done anything to you! Get away from the baby!

  At that moment, the memory of the terror was so palpable Kate could barely stand. “Let go of me. Leave me alone.” Even helpless as she was in Mark’s grasp, the notion came to her that she didn’t want to hurt this young man the way she had hurt Jared. Too frequently in her dreams she saw Jared’s ashen face as the paramedics lifted him onto the gurney—and the blood soaking the bandage around his head. That night, with Maria and the baby in trouble, desperation had transformed Kate into someone she didn’t recognize. And she never wanted to be that person again.

  She turned her face away so his foul breath wouldn’t make her sick.

  The other man came up behind her and snatched her wrist roughly. Pain traveled up her arm.

  “Please, let me go,” Kate begged, as she pulled as hard as she could to free herself from both men.

  Kate heard a roar behind her as a large hand forcefully shoved Mark away from her and back five feet. In relief, Kate looked up to see Nathaniel, eyes ablaze, daring the second man to come closer. He released Kate’s wrist and bolted down the street with a speed Kate would not have believed possible.

  Nathaniel then turned and advanced on Mark. Kate didn’t know what he was planning to do, but she didn’t want to find out. She touched his arm before he could move any closer to the much-smaller man and gently nudged Nathaniel toward her. The gesture accomplished what she wanted it to. Nathaniel’s rage evaporated as he shifted his attention to her and cradled her face in his hands. The compassion in his eyes calmed her pounding heart considerably. She lifted her hand to her cheek. It was wet. She must have been crying.

  “Are you all right?” he asked.

  Kate nodded. Not hurt. More shaken up than anything.

  The boy in the alleyway disappeared, but Mark scowled and unwisely rushed at Nathaniel, his fists raised and flailing. Without hesitation, Nathaniel turned and punched Mark squarely in the mouth. The powerful blow sent Mark to the ground, sprawled unconscious on his backside.

  Panting heavily, Nathaniel looked at his fist as if his hand had acted of its own accord. A look of horror spread across his face.

  “Kate,” he murmured, “what have I done?

  Chapter Fourteen

  The deliveries of cakes and cookies and Yankee Bean Soup started up again as soon as the community learned of the incident. That Kate had been forced to endure such an attack made her the recipient of much sympathy.

  Dat went without dinner again the next day before calming down enough to hear the story, not just from Kate but from Nathaniel as well. With his middle daughter getting into all sorts of scrapes lately, he insisted his nerves were frayed and he was wasting away to nothing. He thanked Nathaniel for looking out for his daughter and asked if he would consider a permanent position as Kate’s guardian.

  Elmer tried to stifle a grin when he heard about it. “Of course we must forgive him, but maybe we can take comfort that the boy felt a bit of God’s wrath through Nathaniel.” This response prompted a cry of shock from Mamma, who was appalled that Elmer harbored such vindictive thoughts. She promptly sent him out to shovel manure in the barn.

  Ben and Joe looked at Nathaniel in wonderment but said nothing about the incident. If they expressed admiration for Nathaniel’s actions, Aaron might accuse them of a interest in violence.

  Aaron, who came over to the house too often, laid the blame entirely at Kate’s feet. “Kate, your worldliness has brought misfortune to more people than just yourself. Nathaniel was never in a lick of trouble until you returned home and dragged the innocent man down with your worldly ways. You should be ashamed of yourself. It is better that you leave him alone and return to Milwaukee. He should not be made to suffer for your stiffneckedness.”

  And Ada was not above repeating gossip. “I am telling you this for your own good, Kate. Many people think you are worldly and vain. If you would settle down and quit trying to upset the apple cart, things would be better for you.”

  Even as bad as Kate felt, Nathaniel was having a worse time of it. Distraught at what had happened to Kate and so ashamed of resorting to violence, he practically begged the police officer in La Crosse to put him in jail and throw away the key.

  It hadn’t taken more than a minute after Nathaniel laid Mark out flat before a police car rolled down the street and pulled next to the alleyway. A thin,
balding officer, who seemed in no particular hurry to investigate, got out of his car and sauntered up the sidewalk.

  “Officer Hansen. The neighbors called me,” the police officer told them, gazing with apparent disinterest at Mark who, by then conscious, sat on the ground gingerly massaging his jawline. Mark must have had more than one brush with the law, because the officer didn’t even bat an eye when he saw the young man.

  “Is there some kind of trouble?” the officer said.

  “We was just messing around,” Mark said.

  “We? What, you got multiple personalities now, Mark?”

  Mark pointed indignantly at Nathaniel. “That guy hit me.”

  “Stop talking and let the lady tell me.” Officer Hansen hooked his thumbs in his belt and turned to Kate. “Are you hurt, miss?”

  “No,” Kate said, still trying to catch her breath. “He blocked my way and then he and his friend grabbed my arm. They wouldn’t let me go. Nathaniel pushed them away, and this boy tried to hit Nathaniel.”

  Officer Hansen studied Nathaniel. “What do you have to say?”

  Nathaniel stood stunned and mortified. “He was scaring Kate, but I shouldn’t have hit him. I take full responsibility.”

  “He probably broke my jaw,” Mark protested.

  “Then why are you still talking?” Officer Hansen said, glancing at Mark before turning back to Kate. “So would you like to press charges?”

  Kate shook her head.

  “Charges?” Mark said. “I’m the one who got smacked.”

  The officer glared at Mark. “Get your sorry hide out of here before I arrest your whole family.”

  Mark didn’t have to be told twice. He took off down the street and didn’t look back.

  When Mark was out of sight, Officer Hansen put a hand on Nathaniel’s shoulder. “Any man would have done what you did,” he said.

  Nathaniel lowered his head in despair. “Not the men in my community. We believe in peace. I believe in peace.”

  Officer Hansen frowned. “Even a good thing can be carried too far. Peace and nonviolence are nice ideals to hang your hat on, but sometimes, like it or not, they’re not practical. Even a peaceful man must defend his loved ones from attack.”

  “That is not what I believe. Jesus chose not to resist but to give His life freely. We trust in God instead of our own power—instead of the arm of flesh. Even if my family were being attacked, the Lord’s will is to overcome evil with good and hope for a better world in the kingdom of God.”

  “Should you have walked away and left this woman to the mercy of those punks?”

  “No,” said Nathaniel, “but I could have thrown myself in front of her and let them hurt me instead.”

  Kate’s heart swelled at the kindness of this man, but she said nothing. She only looked into his tortured face and dearly wished she could ease his pain.

  “Now that would have been real nice. Then I might have been arresting the kid for murder.”

  “I could have taken it,” Nathaniel said. “‘Resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.’”

  “And I say you’re a danged fool,” said Officer Hansen—but he said it with a warmth in his voice before climbing into his squad car and driving away.

  Kate sighed. This mess had occurred two days ago, but every gesture, every sound and smell were perfectly fresh in her mind: the alcohol on Mark’s breath; the friend yelling at him from the alleyway; the pain when the other man clutched her wrist; and most haunting, the look on Nathaniel’s face.

  The family had retired earlier, but Kate did not follow them up the stairs to bed. Nathaniel had promised to visit her tonight, and she anxiously awaited his arrival, to discover what she could do, if anything, to comfort him. She had never seen him so utterly miserable, and Kate was painfully aware that Aaron was right. She had caused Nathaniel too much trouble.

  The single kerosene lamp over the table cast long shadows at the corners of the room. Sitting in the kitchen, looking at recipe books without really seeing them, Kate heard a soft tap on the back door. She hurried to open it. Nathaniel stood dejectedly on the back steps.

  He shuffled into the kitchen and took Kate by the shoulders. He moved his hands to her wrist and studied the ugly purple bruises there. “Oh, Kate,” he said, emotion spilling out of his throat. “I am so sorry about what they did to you.”

  His compassion nearly reduced Kate to tears. She cleared her throat instead. “It is not bad, Nathaniel. It pains me to see you fret over this. I care more about how you are feeling.”

  He took her hand. “I have no concern for myself.”

  “You are very unhappy, Nathaniel. How can I help you?”

  He paused and then walked to the sink, where he leaned both hands against the counter and looked as if he were trying to push the whole thing out the wall. With his back to her, he said, “To own the truth, Kate, I’ve never felt such despair. You can’t help me.”

  Kate could not let him suffer alone. She went up behind him and put her hand on his shoulder. “Then I will share the despair with you,” she said.

  “I won’t allow that.”

  “There’s nothing you can do to stop me,” she said. “I can’t help but be sad when you are.”

  “Daily, I struggle to perfect my life, to be a better man each day than I was the day before. But you can never take the true measure of a man until you test his will. This was my test to prove to God that I am truly peaceful in my heart, that I will choose the way of nonresistance.” He turned to face her. “And I failed. I am so very wicked.”

  “That is not true, Nathaniel.”

  “It is, because even though I regret using violence, I do not regret defending you. And I still feel retribution festering in my heart. When I saw him holding you with those dirty hands and I heard you screaming, I had to protect you.”

  “Do not condemn yourself for that. I don’t. Neither does my family. Even Aaron doesn’t think it is your fault. I am more than grateful to you. Ach, to think what could have happened if you had not heard the yelling.” Her voice broke, and she could not speak for a moment. “If you felt drawn to find me, perhaps God led you. And if God’s hand was in it, how could it be wrong?”

  “It is wrong because God put me there to protect you without hurting anyone else. And I failed.”

  “Then I hate to ask what you think of me. I put a man in the hospital, Nathaniel.” She couldn’t bring herself to tell Nathaniel that Jared was still there. “I did much more than knock him to the ground.”

  “You had to protect yourself. And your friend.”

  “As you protected me. You should judge yourself with the same mercy you are so eager to offer me.”

  Silently, Nathaniel gazed at her. She stared back at him, trying to read every thought hidden behind those icy-blue eyes. Not a word passed between them.

  Then, in an instant, Nathaniel surprised and thrilled her by taking her into his arms and holding her tenderly. “I hope this does not cause you distress, Kate,” he whispered, “but…I love you.”

  Kate experienced the overwhelming feeling of flying, higher and faster as if there were no end to the sky. Closing her eyes, she buried her face in his chest. She couldn’t answer him. He didn’t seem to expect her to.

  “I love you without reason. You compel me to feel better even though I have no right to feel better.”

  She savored his earthy smell, basked in his radiating warmth, before he broke the spell and nudged her away to arm’s length. He smiled. “I must not compound my sin.” Breathless and shaken, she knew exactly what he meant.

  “Tomorrow I will meet with the elders and ask for forgiveness,” he said. “But I don’t know how I can ever hope to be made whole. My true character has been revealed, and I can’t forgive myself for that.”

  “‘He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins.’ The Lord Jesus would not want you to carry a burden He has already carried for you.”

  He l
ooked at her, his gaze steady and warm. “Why, in even the worst times, do you make me feel very, very glad to be alive?”

  She blushed. “It is one of the great mysteries, to be sure.”

  At arm’s length, he caressed her cheek with his thumb while studying her face. A thousand tiny threads of fire passed through her body.

  Suddenly he withdrew his hand and reached for the doorknob like a lifeline. “This courting business will be the death of me,” he said. He shot one last glance in her direction and bolted out the door.

  Kate later lay in her bed, fighting off sleep as it crept over her. She wanted a few more minutes to bask in Nathaniel’s words.

  “I love you, Kate. I love you without reason.”

  Had she ever felt so whole in her life—like every corner of her being was filled with the glowing embers of a cheery fire?

  Nathaniel loved her. Next to her father, the best man she had ever known.

  Why? He could have the love of any girl in Apple Lake. He wouldn’t have needed to coax and agonize and slave for anyone else in the entire community. Why did he love her? Trying to answer that question made her head spin.

  She did know that the uncertainty and effort made his love all the more precious. For a man like him to give his heart so freely to her was no common thing. She savored her part in something extraordinary and drifted off to sleep with a smile on her lips.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Nathaniel lightly tapped the baseball with the bat in the direction of little Amos, who picked up the ball and chased Nathaniel to first base. As the little boy reached out and tagged him, Nathaniel flopped to the ground in front of the base and grunted in mock agony.

  “Ach, you got me, Amos,” he moaned, as the boy jumped on top of him in a fit of giggles.

  “I did not touch you that hard, Nathaniel,” Amos said, grinning. “You do not have to fall down all the time.”

  “Falling down is part of the fun of the game,” Nathaniel said, simultaneously tickling Amos, setting him on his feet, and then placing the hat back onto Amos’s head.