Trust In Lust

by Rhylie Matthews

  Oh shit, at the reminder my bladder started screaming at me for real and I jumped off him and ran. “I forgot!”

  “How do you forget you have to pee?” he yelled after me.

  “I got sidetracked.” I laughed and made it to the bathroom just in time. Stupid face.

  Life was so much easier with my wards up. I had to eat more and got tired faster, but I almost felt normal. It felt relaxing to sit and drink coffee with him until Lana got there. I even enjoyed us getting ready together in the bathroom.

  I’d texted Carter earlier and told him to meet us at the bar so we both dressed up compared to our normal wear, her scrubs, and my black uniform. I even wore color. The tight fitting red and black flannel button up made me feel feminine as it hugged tight around my chest and followed my waistline down to the flair of my hips. Snug jeans and high-heeled boots topped off my celebratory ‘I’m getting dick tonight’ outfit.

  “Well, look at that!” Lana said dramatically. “You do have a figure!”

  I laughed at her antics and brushed my hair. It was curling slightly, the Brazilian blowout was wearing off, and I made a mental note to schedule one soon before the frizz took back over.

  “Who knows, tonight might be the night! Flannel and boobs? What man can resist that?”

  I put the brush down and looked at her through the mirror. Her sarcasm mixed with the ridiculous eyebrow wag had me flipping her off and walking out of the room.

  “That man has seen me naked more than the Mason did raising me, Lana. He knows I have boobs.” Regardless of how we felt about each other, It would never happen. He’d made his mind up and there was no swaying it.

  She giggled and looped her arm through mine. “But now they’re covered in flannel! That’s like lingerie for a man like him.”

  Her hip bumped mine as we made it around the bed.

  “I would think lingerie would be lingerie for any man.”

  “Apparently not that man. I’m beginning to wonder if anything works.” Annoyance laced her tone, and she looked out the door at Sutton standing by the bar.

  “Y’all still haven’t done anything?” I knew they hadn’t fucked, but nothing? I frowned and looked at Sutton again.

  “Nope. Not a damn thing,” she whined. “I’m so damn horny, I can’t think straight, Vaughn. Make him have sex with me!” she hissed, begging.

  I saw Sutton’s shoulders tense and bursted out laughing. He’d heard her. Practically begging for his dick and gotten tense instead of excited. What the fuck was wrong with him? She knew the score. Was fine with no commitment. But apparently not without the dick that usually came with that arrangement. If he wasn’t getting anything from her, nor she him, what was the point again?

  “I’m serious!” she whispered vehemently and pulled me closer.

  I looked at her hand on my arm where she’d grabbed me then up into her eyes. She loosened her grip but didn’t let go.

  “I’m sorry. But you know just as well as I do it’s this thing between y’all that’s holding him back. You feel the same way about him as he does about you.” Her other hand landed on my hip and pulled me closer while her dark lined blue eyes pleaded with me. “The same way as I do about you. Why won’t you just give us all a chance?”

  “He’s my boss, Lan.” And a million other reasons.

  I stepped away from her body before I did something stupid like throw her ass on the bed and fuck my partners ‘not girlfriend’ because she was looking at me like that.

  She was right. I did think she was fucking hot. She was just tall enough I had to look up at her and her red hair hung down in soft waves framing her face and chest. The green wrap dress she wore hugged every curve she had and just happened to match the exact shade of my eyes.

  But that was just that, her looks. My feelings for her in that area didn’t go any deeper, I wasn’t interested in more. She was a friend to me and that meant so much more than any quick lay I’d regret as soon as it was over. No, I didn’t share my secrets with her or tell her what I was, but we’d become fast friends and that counted. So I didn’t plan on fucking that up by getting distracted by her body.

  I sounded like fucking Sutton.

  “He doesn’t want me, or us, like that. And he said no. I respect that.” Or at least I tried too. Most of the time. I winced inside and hightailed it out of the room and over to Sutton.

  His shoulders were shaking and when he looked over to me, he smirked. “Respect that my ass. You’re so full of shit.”

  My jaw dropped. “Me? I try! It doesn’t help when you say one thing and do another crotch grinder. Now get your girlfriend and keep her off my damn leg before I fuck her for you.” The threat was pointless as we heard Lana cackle from the bedroom door. I rolled my eyes, grabbed my coffee and the keys, and walked to the door. “I’ll be outside when you two nutcases are ready.”

  “Wait.”

  “Not a chance in Hell, big guy. My hormones are bad enough without having to deal with y’all’s and whatever that,” I waved my arms between them, “is.”

  “Or this,” I pointed between Sutton and myself. “And this.” I added waving between Lana and myself.

  “And so help me God do not even get me started on this whole thing.” I flailed my hands around including all of us then threw them up in the air.

  “I’m the crazy one? No, y’all deal with y’all’s shit and I’m going to the truck.” I walked out the door and my stomach growled. Damn. I leaned back in. “Fast. Deal fast, fuckers. I’m starving!”

  I slammed the door on Lana’s laugh and hightailed it to the truck.

  Fuck that cluster fuck. No way. No how. I’d stick with my dick appointments with Carter. A door slammed, and I looked up to see Sutton walking toward the truck eyes focused on me while Lana ran behind him yapping.

  I grinned. She was like a cute little puppy that just wanted a treat. I snorted and Sutton rolled his eyes. When his door opened, he glared at me. “I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.”

  “Me too!” I clapped then patted the seat excitedly. “Now get in. I’m hungry.”

  Lana pushed by him and jumped in. When she crawled over, I almost lost it due to the dog joke and jumping in after I patted the seat and spent the three block drive trying not to laugh.

  Luckily, my phone rang right as we pulled in and I grabbed my coffee and jumped out, not waiting for Sutton.

  I pulled my phone from my back pocket and smiled at the name on the screen. Running across the street, I swiped the screen and answered, “Hey, Mase.”

  “Hey, baby girl. How was your day?”

  I made my way through the crowded sidewalk and laughed. “Pretty boring actually.”

  “Oh, so you didn’t shoot anyone else or run them over with that abomination of yours you call a truck?”

  I laughed uncomfortably. Our usual joke wasn’t as funny today. “It’s not an abomination, Mason. It’s a classic.”

  “It’s a piece of shit is what it is, but you didn’t answer my question.”

  “Quit being an ass and I might. Shit talking my baby will get you nowhere, mister.”

  “And being snarky will?”

  “Hmmm, I wonder where I learned that from," I asked laughing.

  “No idea," he muttered.

  “Uh huh, I just bet you don’t.”

  “Shut it.”

  I couldn’t help it, I was in a great mood, and started laughing all over again. Dodging a drunk sorority girl, I tried to get myself back under control. “So, what’s up, Mase?" I asked, knowing there’s a reason for his call. It was almost 7 p.m. on a Friday.

  “Why does something have to be up?”

  “Because you’ve already called just to hear my voice at 6 a.m. Sutton called you about this morning. And it’s seven at night.”

  “Fine, Finn said you’re seeing this guy again tonight.”

  “Big mouth. See if ever tell him anything again.”

  “Juliana.”

  “Ugh, fine. Yes and I’m on
my way now, so if you’re going to manbitch, do it faster.”

  “Is it serious?”

  “What?” I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and stood there like an idiot.

  “Is it serious?” he asked again.

  “I... We... What the hell, Mase?” I took a drink of the coffee, wetting my suddenly very dry throat. I didn’t like this line of questioning, especially from Mason.

  “Are you sleeping with him?”

  “Mason!” I hissed. “What the actual fuck?”

  “You were sleeping with him before.”

  “Your point?”

  “It’s been 6 months.”

  “Still not seeing your point.” I hedged around the question as I pushed through a group of kids my age just standing in the middle of the street. Yes, let’s just stand here in the middle of the damn road. No one’s trying to get anywhere.

  “Are you going to tell him?”

  And there it was. “Tell him? No, I’m not going to tell him.”

  “Why not?”

  I stopped again and massaged the bridge of my nose. “You know I can’t do that.”

  “You can.”

  “Fine, won’t then.” Sutton’s massive frame caught my eye, and I saw the worried frown from here. I nodded to let him know I was okay, held up five fingers, and waved him off.

  “Baby girl,” Mason said affectionately. “You can’t keep doing this, shutting everyone out, keeping everyone at a distance.”

  “Not fair. Also not true.”

  “Finn doesn’t count.”

  “Finnley so counts!”

  “He’s my best friend and your doctor.”

  “He still counts. l tell him stuff.” Which I always end up regretting later.

  “So he’ll leave you alone. Not the same thing, baby.”

  “That fucker has annoyed me every day for fucking years and he’s still breathing. I tell him shit. We talk. He counts.”

  Mason laughed. “Fine. But would it really be so bad to open up? Tell him the truth? Maybe to let him in?”

  “Yes, it would.”

  “I thought Finn said you really liked this guy?” I could hear the frown in his voice.

  I sighed. “I do and that’s why, Mase.”

  “Then what’s the fucking problem?” he barked.

  “Oh for the love of all things holy, Sutherland. That is the problem. How is it you see this going down? Me telling him the truth, opening up, and letting him in,” I said mockingly. “And then what, Mason? We date? Let him in on all the fucked-up reality that’s my life? No, I do like him and I can’t put him in danger like that. I won’t. I can’t be responsible for someone else I care about…” I choked on the words and let them die in my throat as the memory of Mom’s face flashed in my mind.

  “Baby,” he whispered. “You can’t keep blaming yourself.”

  “I’m not having this conversation with you again. Are we good? I need to go.”

  “No! We are not good.”

  Groaning into the phone, I leaned back against the bricks of the side of the bar. “What, Mason?”

  “What are you going to do when he wants more?”

  “Tell him the same thing I did the last time he brought it up.”

  “That you’re allergic to commitment?”

  “Har-har, you’re funny. That I don’t want anything serious, smartass. That I want to focus on school and my career.”

  “That’s the biggest fucking crock of shit I have ever heard come out of your mouth and the first time I think I’ve ever heard you lie.”

  “It is not a lie, and I am done with this.”

  “Do not hang up that phone!”

  “You’re making me late.”

  “I don’t give a fuck. You better not hang that damn phone up.”

  “Yes, Daddy.”

  “Julianna!” he barked out in four syllables.

  “Bye, Mase! I love you,” I sang into the phone.

  “Damn it, baby. Don’t.”

  “I’m hanging up,” I sang again.

  “Bye,” he grumbled lowly, making me laugh again before he said, “Wait! Causwell called earlier. Said he’s been trying to reach you but you seem to be ‘unavailable’. Frequently.”

  I groaned. Causwell was the academy’s lawyer. “Did he happen to say why he was calling?”

  “No. And I asked, but he said it was private and needed to speak with you personally.”

  “‘Cause that’s not creepy.”

  “Just call him and find out what he wants. Or better yet, just answer the phone next time he calls,” he added sarcastically.

  “Um, how about no? That’s what I have your sweet sexy self for.”

  “Oh, that’s what you have me for?” He laughed.

  “No, not really. I’d be lost without you, but dealing with school shit is your area. Him calling me goes against damn near every legal agreement we have.”

  “Exactly. So it’s important, baby girl. Just talk to the man.”

  “No.”

  “You don’t have to do whatever it is if you don’t want to.”

  “I don’t want to have anything to do with any of it. Even if I didn’t want to be FBI, that doesn’t mean I want the school, Mase. I never have. I only kept it open because I know how much you love it and because it’s Mom’s memory.”

  “It doesn’t mean anything to you?”

  “I want it to be a safe place for people like us, but other than that, no. You are what matters to me, Mason. If that school falls down tomorrow, I wouldn’t give two shits as long as I still have you.”

  “I love you, baby,” he said resignedly.

  “I love you too. And thank you for caring.”

  “Always. I fucking miss you.”

  “I miss you too.” I swiped a tear from under my eye. These damned hormones were killing me.

  “Come home.” His voice, already low, cracked.

  “Soon.” Barely a breath. One word and he went quiet then disconnected.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Well! There went my good mood. I shoved my phone into my back pocket and stared up at the sky, eyes widened to keep the tears at bay, and tried to get my hormones under control again. They didn’t get to win. Not tonight.

  I kicked off the wall and shouldered through the crowd, uncaring how hard I knocked into them now, until I was standing in front of the bar.

  I took a deep breath and pulled the thick wooden door open with a smile. I loved this place. Deep rich wood accent columns, tables with black and gray toned accents. A surprisingly comfortable mix of manly old world charm and clean modern colors.

  I found Sutton, already looking right at me, and made my way over to the half circle booth.

  “Where’s Lana?” I asked, looking around.

  “Socializing. What’s wrong?” He lifted his arm to the back of the booth and motioned for me to come over there.

  I scooted around the seat until I was next to him. He pulled me close and whispered, “Mason okay?”

  I nodded. “Yup.”

  “Then what’s got you upset?”

  My phone buzzed again, and I pulled it out. It was Causwell. Again. I silenced it before putting it back in my pocket. Fucking definitely did not need that shit right now.

  “You ever going to answer that poor man’s phone calls?”

  “Hadn’t planned on it.”

  “Why?”

  “Because that is exactly what Mason gets paid for.”

  He leaned his head down to mine and his beard brushed against my hair. “You realize you can’t run from it forever.” His words were a soft whisper, his breath a warm rush over my ear, as he said it low enough no one else would have heard.

  I appreciated the effort at privacy, and his words of wisdom, but I’d had enough ‘wisdom’ thrown at me today.

  I snagged his beer and took a long pull before I turned my head into his chest and quietly answered, “Running from it and making a personal decision to not have anything to do with it
are two completely different things. Why can’t anyone see that?”

  “Because you’re adamant, J. You’ve dug your heels in and you’re being bull headed. It’s your decision to make and I’ll respect whatever you decide. But when you refuse to see others points of view, hear their concerns, or be open to other possibilities, you’re just being closed minded and burning bridges. It’s going to come back and bite you on that pretty little ass of yours one day. Do it the right way. Look at your options and make an educated decision. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll change your mind.”

  I laughed harshly. “I fucking hate that place, Sutton, and would absolutely sell it if it weren’t for Mason.”

  He sighed. “People change, J.”

  “Of course they do,” I shrugged. “It's human nature. But the past is the past and being smart enough to not go back there is an educated decision.”

  He cursed under his breath and leaned back against the seat.

  It was quiet between us for a while, with the exception of my stomach growling, as I leaned against him and watched the other people in the bar. Most were officers and their spouses or dates. Some in uniform, others not. Some just tried to have a good time and blow off steam from the days bullshit, while others just tried to forget.

  His fingers caught a few strands of my hair and I felt the tug of him wrapping them around his fingers. It had become a habit of his while he thought and it was secretly one of the cutest things I’d ever seen.

  “I swore I’d never go back to the force, ya know.”

  I froze at the mention of his past work in law enforcement. He’d never brought it up before and I’d quickly caught on that the subject was off limits.

  “Or any other. I was done. The end.”

  I didn’t know what to say, so I sat there and watched as other people went about their lives while he continued to twirl my hair.

  “But change happens in lots of ways; some even manage to catch you off guard when you least expect it.” He bumped his side into my shoulder and when I turned he looked at me knowingly. “Look how much meeting you changed my life, J.”

  His eyes had a calm peaceful look to them like he was ok with whatever changes he was referring to. Was he implying I was the reason he’d come back? Or the reason for the change that led him to want to come back? Were those the same thing? Either way, there’d been lots of changes in my life, most out of my control, that I’d had to fight through or work around to get to where I was today. I’d given up so much, but those sacrifices were worth it.