Trust In Lust

by Rhylie Matthews

“Changing that would be changing who you are. And besides, your... attitude? It makes for some really great sex. Don’t change that.”

  “No shit.” He laughed, then dug the heels of his hands into his eyes and sighed. “I have feelings for you.”

  “Feelings?” I repeated and stepped away from him. I could feel his guilt as he said those words and didn’t understand why he felt guilt of all things. That was the third time tonight his emotions had betrayed him. I sat down on the couch and looked up at him. “Feelings?”

  He straightened his shoulders, looked me dead in the eyes and nodded. “Feelings.”

  If it didn’t look like he was facing a firing squad, his solemn determination and resignation would be almost admirable. Maybe even adorable.

  “Feelings,” I repeated in a daze. Like the gooey kind? I didn’t know what to say.

  “Yes, Lily. Feelings.”

  “Yeah.” I nodded. “I got that part.” Him calling me Lily did not help matters. My own guilt and irritation swirled amongst the constantly changing tides of his and put me on edge. I didn’t like the guilt of lies.

  “Do you though?”

  I sighed and propped my elbows on my knees before I dropped my face into my hands and muttered, “Yeah.”

  “What?”

  I moved my head down to free my mouth but left the rest of my face covered and snapped, “Yes, Carter, I get it. The part of you that likes me is no longer just your dick.”

  “Jesus, Lily!”

  Oh, for fuck’s sake. I groaned and scrubbed my hands down my face. This is exactly why I couldn’t do this.

  Lifting my head, I pushed my hair back, took a deep breath, and looked at him.

  “I’m sorry. I’m uncomfortable and you didn’t deserve that. It’s just... this is exactly what I’m talking about!”

  “I understand, and I’ve been debating with myself about it too! I’ve tried to stay away from you, us, and whatever the hell this is, Lily, but I can’t. Regardless of the consequences and all your shit. But I can admit my feelings and at least I want to try!”

  “It’s not that I don’t want to try, Carter!” I felt my wards slip and tried to pull them back around me.

  “You won’t even think about it!” he yelled and stomped over to the table. “You’re just being fucking stubborn!”

  I was so tired of hearing that. So fucking sick of people telling me I was being hardheaded or stubborn. If they didn’t approve of or agree with my decisions, then they were unacceptable. Heat radiated from my core and my chest burned as the anger worked way through me and my sixes responded.

  “Carter, calm the fuck down and quit yelling at me. Just fucking stop. I made it very clear going into this that I didn’t do relationships. You knew and were ok with that.”

  “People change, Lily!”

  People change—The sounds from his apartment faded to white noise and the edges of my vision blurred.

  People change—The heat coursing through my veins burned as the fire inside consumed me.

  People change—No, people didn’t. People grew. They adapted. They didn’t just change. And if they did, it rarely ever occurred willingly. It went against human nature. People were forced to change by circumstances or forces outside of their control. And I was fucking sick and tired of hearing it!

  The tenuous control I’d had over my sixes snapped. My wards dissipated and the rest of the world came crashing in. Literally.

  “I haven’t! I haven’t changed though! Why doesn’t anyone understand that? I like where I am in life. Who I am. How I live. What I do. I don’t want to change anymore!”

  “Lily?” The concern in his voice was enough to get my attention.

  “What?” I snapped.

  He pointed at my arm.

  I looked down to see my hands shaking and a tremor violently jerked the muscles of my arms.

  “Fuck!” How had it gotten this bad that quick? I ran across the living room to my jeans and found my kit. It was too late for the balancer so I pulled the red auto injector from the case.

  The sedative would slow everything down and keep my sixes from overloading. How it affected me depended on my burn out level. Best case scenario—it made me groggy. Worst case—I passed out on Carter’s floor, dead to the world for an hour.

  I tried to flip the safety cap off of the bottom but my hands were shaking so bad, I fumbled before I caught it against my leg and tried again. It flew off this time and scattered across the floor. I pushed the pen into my thigh until it clicked, and held.

  I hated this. The shit burned and my thighs were littered with red prick marks from past injections and tiny healing bruises. I hated that my sixes controlled my life to this degree.

  When it had been long enough, I pulled it from my leg and dug the heel of my hand into the spot.

  “I’m sorry, I did mean to get you so upset.”

  I shook my head and put the used injector back in the case. This wasn’t the first time, and I didn’t want to hear it. My heart was still racing, my pulse a deafening bass in my ears, as I waited for the shot to take effect and tried to rein myself in and get my wards back up.

  I needed to check in with Sutton and there’s no way he wouldn’t show up when he heard about this. My night of ‘fun’ was over; may as well get dressed.

  I walked slowly across the room, expecting the wooziness of the shot, but it never came so I grabbed my shorts and slid them on. I checked the safety on my pistol and put it in the front holster strap before walking back to the couch, my jeans, and Carter.

  He was looking at me like I’d kicked his puppy. “You don’t have to leave.”

  “Yeah, I do. What exactly do you think Sutton is going to say when he finds out? There’s a reason he doesn’t like you, Carter. This is that reason. You can’t leave well enough alone.” He’d be lucky if Sutton didn’t beat the shit out of him. I sighed at knowing I’d have to play referee between them again.

  I snatched my jeans off the couch and stepped into them. A full body tremor hit as I tried to pull them up and my knees gave and I folded between the couch and coffee table. My elbow hit the side of the coffee table right before my face hit the hardwood. I cried out, stuck, as the spasms continued to work their way down my legs and my chest tightened. This wasn't right. The shot...

  Arms came around me and his fear and concern lit me up inside and pulled the remaining breath from my lungs.

  I pushed him off as I gasped for air and hit the floor again. I rolled onto my back and stared up at him in shock as I tried not to panic.

  He reached for me again, and I scrambled backwards to keep him from touching me. Fighting off his emotions while I dealt with whatever this was was hard enough. I didn’t need a direct line to him. “Get away from me!”

  Anger exploded from inside him. “Damn it, Lil, I’m just trying to help.”

  I shook my head. I didn’t need his help. This wasn’t normal overload, the sedative hadn’t worked. Something was wrong. This fire inside me wasn’t one of my sixes, and I didn’t know how to control it. I didn’t want to accidentally hurt Carter. He hadn’t signed on for this. I needed Sutton.

  “My phone? Where’s my phone?” I looked around but didn’t see it.

  “On the table. What’s going on?”

  “I have to get out of here. I need my phone!” I shoved my legs into my jeans as he ran towards the dining room, then leaned back on the floor to get them up. Another spasm hit, bowing my back, and I cried out as the heat inside me started pulsing. My heart was racing, and every breath was a controlled fight. It felt like I was racing against an invisible clock that I didn’t even know the countdown of.

  “You can’t leave like this.”

  I rolled over and crawled to his shirt I’d left lying on the floor. “Shut up, Carter.”

  I threw it over my head and held my hand out for the phone.

  He stepped forward to hand it to me and I scooted backwards. “Throw it.”

  He frowned but did as I ask
ed.

  I stumbled across the room to the door and grabbed my shoes.

  “Lily!” His hand clamped down on mine and my lungs seized completely. The muscles in my body tightened, contouring my frame as I screamed in silence. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe.

  Carter stood over a fresh grave in the dark. A full bright red moon outlined his body and reflected off the silent tears streaming down his face as he looked down. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here. That I let you down so many times. I’ll never forgive myself.” He sank to his knees, and I felt his soul break apart.

  He was right; he’d never forgive himself. It had fractured his soul. And even if it healed, this moment would be a scar he’d carry with him for the rest of his life. I turned to the gravestone, to see whose life Carter was mourning. I stepped closer and bent to look past the flowers until I heard Carter scream.

  “Fuck!” His hand fell away and jumped back from me.

  My sixes released their grip on me and instantaneously brought me back to the present. I drank in as much oxygen as I could and I sagged against the wall, letting the rest of my muscles return to normal.

  Tears filled my eyes as I sobbed and started sliding down.

  When he reached for me, I shook my head and leaned over into the doorway. “No. Please, no.”

  “Damn it, Lily. Tell me what’s going on. You’d rather leave, like this, then let me help you?”

  I knew there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t help me. But what I didn’t know was what this was. What it could do if I lost complete control. I couldn’t risk that with Carter. So yes, I chose to leave.

  Another sob broke free as I nodded. “I’ll call Sutton to pick me up.”

  “At least let me come with you,” he begged. Pain filled his eyes, but I couldn’t tell his emotions from mine anymore.

  “You can’t. I’m sorry.” I used the doorknob to pull myself to my feet and opened the door. I stopped halfway through to the brightly lit hall and stared at the floor through tears of my own regret and validation.

  “Hey Carter.” My voice cracked and a fresh wave of tears started falling.

  His voice was thick when he replied with a croaky, “Yeah?”

  “You aren’t the only one that wanted the chance for more. I’m sorry I didn’t have one to give you.” He deserved better and I couldn’t give that to him. I stepped into the hall and pulled the door closed behind me.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Sadness rolled through me so strong, it almost set me on my ass again. Was that mine? Had saying goodbye to Carter affected me that much or was it his? I needed my wards. I’d always had them or been able to feel them at least and the thought of them being gone forever terrified me. The best I could do right now was tune everyone else out and try to ignore the pain and raging inferno inside.

  I tucked my boots into the crook of my arm and pulled my phone out of my pocket. I managed to get my earpiece in before I stumbled my way down the hall using the wall for support.

  I made it to the stairs exit and fell into the stairwell onto the concrete landing. My hip hit hard, and I grimaced in pain.

  “Call Big Guy.”

  The line connected and then rang. And rang. And rang with no answer. His phone never rang more than three times. On the fifth, he finally answered, “It hasn’t even been two hours yet. Please, tell me you shot that French fuck and we need to hide the body.“

  Something inside me broke when I heard his voice and I hiccuped another sob. “James.”

  “What’s wrong?” Something fell and there was lots of noise in the background that I couldn’t make out.

  “I don’t know. Something’s wrong,” I pushed myself back against the wall on the landing, panting, and tried to catch my breath. The pressure in my chest was getting tighter, and the heat wasn’t letting up. It felt like I was on fire. “Inside me.”

  “Move!” I heard a door slam then he asked, “Where are you?”

  “The stairwell of Carter’s apartment building.”

  “Stay.” Another door slammed, and he started yelling. “No! Move! What do you mean inside you? Describe it. So help me God, I will move you. Fine! Get in the truck!”

  The emotions that were flying around such a crowded place started pressing in on me. I could only tune them out for so long before they started overwhelming me. I needed out. Needed more immediate space between me and the tenants. I forced my feet into my boots and rolled onto my hands and knees. “I can’t stay here. I need out.”

  “Do not leave that building. I’m on my way.” I heard his truck start and felt a little bit of my own hope grow amongst the melee of the others.

  “I can’t,” I said as I fought for control of my own body.

  “You will!”

  I grabbed the handrailing and slowly started making my way down the flight of stairs, tripping and sliding as I went. He didn’t understand. Hundreds of people’s emotions were pushing at me, slamming into me from every angle, and I was losing the fight. It was like standing there while being stung by hundreds of bees and trying to ignore it. Except instead of being stung, you were bombarded by all of their emotions as they came, and experienced them all at the same time. Needless to say, it didn’t take long to be driven mad without wards. Okay, so maybe nothing like being stung by bees. I shook my head, and tried to make sense of my thoughts.

  “Hey!”

  His shout brought me back to reality harshly, and I stumbled down a couple of stairs. Groaning, I answered, “Yeah.”

  “Talk to me.” His voice held a tinge of panic and I wondered if I’d missed something.

  “I can’t.” I couldn’t push everyone away while being incinerated from the inside out and walk at the same time. Much less talk. I’d reached the exit on the first floor and pushed it open. A fresh onslaught of excitement and giddiness hit my system, and I laughed.

  “What the hell is going on?”

  “I don’t know! I can’t focus. There’s too many people.” I slipped through the back exit just as another tremor hit and knocked me into the side of the building.

  “Focus on your wards.”

  I checked my hands and sure enough, they were shaking again already. “Fuck! Sutton, my wards are down! They’re just gone. I have to get out of here. I don’t have another shot!”

  My words were met with the squealing of tires. “I’ve got one, just hold on.”

  I steadied myself and ran down the side of the building to the back alley as fast as I could. I turned the corner and the familiar weight of dread hit my stomach followed by another full body tremor.

  “Fuck!” I cried out as it took me to my knees but I didn’t have time to ride it out. If all of my sixes were setting off tremors, I’d never survive this.

  “J!”

  “I’m good. Just got detoured.” I twisted around towards the other direction and scrambled to my feet. I ran in the opposite direction towards a side street that backed into a new construction site.

  “The new shopping plaza—” Damn, I pressed my hand against my chest, panting. Breathing still wasn’t easy, and it made talking hard. “Go there.”

  A chill worked its way up my lower spine and I almost tripped when the tremor hit but I’d been expecting it that time and caught myself.

  I looked around for anything out of the ordinary on the deserted street. Trash littered the road, and a few parked cars further down were the only things to be seen.

  I looked behind me and it was much of the same. More cars. More trash. I had to decide. Back with the guarantee of something bad or forward with the guarantee of danger I’d more than likely live through.

  I chose living and took off. I could deal with a broken arm, leg, or some shit like that. My heart raced as the chill grew colder and colder and crawled up my spine until it felt like pure ice. The freezing sensation combined with the blaze burning inside me only confused my system more and seemed as if they were going to burn me alive.

  My stomach grew heavier the further I ran
towards the empty lot. If this direction was a no go as well then I was fucked. I only had one more block to go and the emotional onslaught was already starting to recede helping me to focus. So I slowed down but kept going.

  “Where are you, big guy?” I whispered nervously.

  “Eleven minutes out.”

  I’d have pulled my pistol if I wasn’t scared I would drop it from the shaking of my own hands and shoot myself in the fucking foot. The icy tendrils had wrapped themselves around my spine by now and the heavy feelings of dread had me cradling my stomach.

  An excruciating pain in my stomach seared through me and I doubled over just as something flew up and hit me in the arms and face. The impact snapped one of my fingers and pain exploded behind my eyes as I was thrown backwards to the pavement.

  I hit hard, and it knocked the air out of me. I laid there, dazed, as my sixes fritz’d right along with my lungs.

  My sixes hadn’t stolen my control yet, so I wasn’t completely fucked. which meant Sutton would probably make it in time. But if he didn’t, and they did, I’d die.

  I rolled onto my hands and knees as coughs racked my body.

  “J!” Sutton bellowed in my ear.

  The toe of a boot clad foot connected with my ribs lifting me from the ground. Bone cracked, and I screamed as I fell to my knees and elbows.

  “If it isn’t Agent James. We’ve been waiting on you all afternoon.”

  He kicked me again, this time missing my lungs but hitting my stomach.

  Pain shot through me and I groaned at the impact but held my ground. I leaned my body toward his voice and lowered my head to the ground. I used my back to hide my arm as I reached into the front holster and palmed my pistol.

  “Glad we finally got you alone.”

  I didn’t like his use of the word ‘we’ in this position and closed my eyes to see if I could place them in my mind.

  Either I couldn’t focus enough or they weren’t registering. My heart skipped a beat in my chest as realization washed over me.

  Hicks.

  I didn’t have a chance against multiple people with Hicks level of training alone when I couldn’t even sense them.