Learning Curve

by Andi Jaxon

  “Ben? What’s wrong?”

  His forehead is resting on his knees, and he’s breathing erratically. He’s obviously in pain, but I don’t know why, where, or how to make it stop. It’s a minute before he speaks to me. “Nothing, I’m fine.” His voice is strangled, obviously not fine. I’m about to comment on it when I hear a loud growl from his abdomen, followed by a groan of pain. He’s hungry. Very, very hungry.

  “Hang on.” Getting up, I hurry to the kitchen, and since the food isn’t ready yet, I smear a thick layer of peanut butter on whole grain bread and hand it to him. Before I can even tell him to take it, he grabs it from me, folds it in half, and shoves half of it in his mouth. He barely chews before swallowing then finishes the bread.

  “Dinner is almost done, are you okay for a few minutes or would you like another?” Squatting down next to him, I rub his back almost unconsciously, trying to comfort him. His breathing is still too fast, and his eyes are clenched tight, but the groaning has stopped. I get up to check on the food and make another piece of peanut butter bread for him, dropping down onto my haunches again. “Ben?”

  He lifts his head when he smells the peanut butter. Not looking at me, he takes the offered bread and eats it slower this time.

  “Ben, what can I do to help?” No one should be this hungry, ever. I can’t imagine how it feels to literally be starving. His head lifts, his forehead shiny with sweat from pain, tears on his cheeks.

  Hopelessness is clear in his eyes. I’ve never seen someone look so defeated. “Why me?” he whispers.

  I don’t have any answers for him, and I doubt platitudes will help. I hesitate for just a second before pulling him into me for a hug. It’s all I’ve got. I can stuff him with food tonight, but I doubt I’ll be able to charm my way into administration to find his address off campus.

  Shifting to sit on the floor, I give him a gentle pull to encourage him to come to me. Ben climbs into my lap, arms around my neck, and his face in the crock of my neck. I can feel his tears as they hit my skin and soak into my shirt. My arms tighten around him, holding him securely. I want to protect him, soothe him. I wish I could tell him everything will be okay, but I don’t know that. I don’t know what his life has been like, what it will continue to be. The way he clings to me, I have a feeling he craves physical touch, who knows how long it’s been since he’s had a hug.

  The front door opens behind me, which can only mean one thing, Alex is here. Ben tenses against me before quickly scooting off my lap, pulling his knees up to his chest and hiding his face.

  “Ali! What’s for dinner? Smells great man!” Alex’s voice is hollering down the hallway. It’s obvious when he’s noticed I have a guest, and I can only imagine what the next words out of his mouth are going to be. “I knew you had a boyfriend, you lying son of a bitch.” His laugh is carrying as he goes in search of food.

  Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes for a second before focusing on Ben again. His arms tight around his legs, face buried behind his knees, he’s preparing for an attack. I don’t know if it’s a verbal or physical attack, but he’s preparing for either one, maybe even both.

  “Alex, now is not a good time.” Standing between Ben and my brother, I know he’ll say something inappropriate, but he won’t say anything hurtful. By the shit eating grin on his face, he’s going to give me shit for this, get Mother in on it too.

  “You’re fucking a student, man! I knew you were more like me then you let on.” He’s so excited about what he thinks he’s discovered, if only he could think with his brain for once. Pretending to wipe a tear from his eye, he says, “I’m so proud of you.”

  “Get out. Just get out.” Taking a step forward I push him toward the door.

  “Alright, alright, you’re finally getting some action. I’m leaving. Watching my brother fuck some dude is not my idea of a good time.”

  “Get out!” I holler at him, pushing him again. The door is almost closed when his foot stops it so that he can get the last word.

  “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Then he all but cackles as he walks down the hallway. Motherfucker.

  Taking a deep breath, I head back toward the living room. Ben hasn’t moved from his curled up spot on the floor. I want to comfort him, but just then I smell something burning. “Shit!” Running into the kitchen, I turn all the burners off and quickly plate everything. The steaks are much more well done than I had intended, but they should still be edible. I get the plates set on the table, silverware, napkins, and glasses, before going back to him. Kneeling in front of Ben once again, I cup the back of his head, hating the way he flinches.

  I’m used to having to apologize for the crap Alex says, but this is different, I’m not sure what to apologize for. “I’m sorry about my brother. He’s a horn dog, and he only ever thinks about his dick.”

  Lifting his head, his eyes find mine, his soul once again on display, crying out for comfort.

  Chapter Twelve

  BEN -

  I don’t understand what’s happened in the last hour. He invited me to his apartment and let me use his computer so that I could finish my homework. What teacher does that? He’s fed me, comforted me, and hugged me. He’s acting like he cares. Why? Is he trying to butter me up for something?

  Looking up at him, even kneeling, he’s taller than me. He put himself between his brother and me, protected me. No one has ever done that before. No one. I don’t understand this guy. His brother showed up, and he didn’t seem surprised I was here. He even joked about his brother fucking a student, a male student.

  I realize he’s been talking, but I haven’t heard a word of it, lost in my head, thoughts reeling. “Why did he think I was your boyfriend?” The question flies out of my mouth. Why don’t I have any control over the words coming out of my mouth around him? What the hell is wrong with me?

  The crease between his eyebrows is back as he reads me. “It’s kind of hard to explain.”

  “I’m sorry. It’s none of my business.” Lifting myself to sitting on the couch, I grab the laptop and try to bury myself in my homework, but the question keeps swirling in my head. Does he have a boyfriend? Is his brother just messing with him, like it’s a joke he’s gay? Or is he into guys?

  He’s still standing there, but for the first time, he seems unsure of himself. I'm not used to it, and it makes me uneasy. Closing the screen, I set it aside and stand. “I’ll just go. I’m sorry for interrupting your night. Thank you for offering to let me work on my paper here. You have a really nice place.” Leaning down to get my backpack, his hand settles on my waist as I stand, and my eyes jump to the warm milk chocolate of his. “You don’t have to go. Stay and finish your assignment, I made dinner, and there’s more than enough for you.” He lets out a breath that fans over my lips. “Please.”

  I can’t take my eyes off his lips, he’s tall enough that they sit right in my line of sight when I’m in looking at him. They look soft, warm, and sexy as hell. God, I want to know how they would feel pressed against mine. What type of kisser would he be? Would he be passive, letting me lead, or would he take control of the kiss? My dick is getting harder the longer I stand here, his hand still on me.

  “Ben?” My name on his lips sends a shiver down my spine, forcing my eyes closed. When they open again, I’m looking into molten chocolate, and I’m closer to him than I remember being. Did I step closer or did he? I’m not sure, but I also don’t care. My face is turned up to him, and he’s leaning down toward me, his lips so close to mine. Lifting onto my toes, they almost meet, my eyes close in preparation for his lips to touch mine.

  A cell phone rings, startling both of us. He clears his throat and steps back, shaking his head—Son of a bitch! Scrubbing my hands down my face, close my eyes and try to will the blood from my dick. I’m hard as steel, it fucking hurts.

  “I’m sorry.” Dropping my hands to my sides, Alister has both hands on his hips, and his head is dropped back on his shoulders, looking toward the ceiling. Draggi
ng my eyes down his body, it’s easy to see just how aroused he is. It’s not just me feeling this pull, he is too, it’s not one-sided. I don’t know if that excites me or terrifies me more.

  “I have to go,” I say, reaching for my bag once again and swing it onto my shoulder.

  “Wait, please. Have dinner, finish your homework. I’ll go to my office and grade homework. I’ll leave you alone. You don’t need to be afraid of me.”

  He’s pleading, asking me to stay. What does he want from me? He’s always so confident, but not right now. Right now, he’s unsure, pleading with me. I don’t know how to handle this. I want to tell him it’s okay, I’m fine. It would be a lie, since I’m not fine. I’m a fucking mess. I don’t know what to do with the knowledge that my fantasy man wants me too. Does he actually want me, or has it been a while, like his brother said?

  “Please.” His whisper is once again a plea, his eyes begging me as hard as his words, and it breaks me. I can’t say no to him.

  “Okay.” The word has barely left my lips when he smiles, his shoulders relax, and he lets out a breath. That damn smile chips away at the ice protecting my heart, weakening my defenses even more.

  “There’s a plate for you on the table, eat where ever you want, at the table or here in the living room. I’ll take my plate and let you work.” He turns and heads to do just as he said he would. I stand there, not saying anything or moving, just watching. Before heading down the hallway, he turns and smiles at me again. He is effectively shattering the wall protecting my battered and broken heart.

  Chapter Thirteen

  ALISTER -

  Goddamn it! Why did Alex have to come over tonight? Why didn’t I message him and tell him? I almost kissed him. Ben. He’s too fucking tempting. I didn’t want him to leave without finishing his paper or eating a real meal. If I’m being honest, I don’t want him to leave at all. I want him in my bed, pressed up against me. Sweaty and exhausted from a good cathartic fucking.

  Raking my nails over my head, I push against my eyelids. I need to get a grip. I do NOT lust after students. I certainly don’t kiss them in my living room. Fuck. Maybe I should have had Alex stay, act like a buffer between us. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I dial Alex and listen for him to answer.

  “You’re already done? I’m disappointed, brother.”

  “Shut up. I have a problem,” I growl.

  “Yeah, you got a hair trigger apparently. I don’t know what to tell you about that. I’ve never had that problem.” Fucking hysterical.

  “Would you stop thinking with your dick for five damn minutes?”

  “Damn, I’m just screwing with you. What’s up, man?”

  “I almost kissed him.” Pacing across my bedroom, I’m going to wear a hole in the carpet.

  “Almost?”

  “Yes. Almost. He’s my fucking student! He shouldn’t be in my apartment to begin with, but I offered him a place to work when he got kicked out of the library.”

  “Wait a minute… he’s really your student? I wasn’t serious when I said it. What the hell are you doing?” I have his attention now.

  “They physically threw him out of the library! He’s got a paper or something due tonight and no computer at home, he was about ready to explode when I saw him. I offered to let him work on it here.” Groaning, I’m in so much shit if anyone on campus finds out about this, I continue, “I don’t know what it is about this guy, Alex.”

  “I know everyone at work thinks you’re straight or a monk, but you’ve never done anything like this before. Don’t let him go. Ali, don’t let him go.” I’m not sure I’ve ever heard him this serious before. It’s not helping my heart rate, that’s for damn sure.

  “I could lose my job, my career, over this. I work at a Christian university. They will never tolerate a homosexual teacher, especially if they find me with a student.”

  “You’ll find another job. There are a lot of schools that won’t give a fuck who you stick your dick into as long as it’s legal and consensual.”

  “He’s afraid of me. I don’t know what to do about it or how to change it.” I don’t know how to handle being unsure of myself. I’ve known who I was and what I was doing since I graduated high school. I hate these unsure, insecure feelings.

  “That sounds like a conversation for Mom. Can you think of a way to get them to meet? I’m betting she would love to talk to him.”

  “He’s afraid of getting the carpet dirty. He’s literally starving. I want to help him, but I don’t know how.”

  “Again, a conversation to have with Mom. I really don’t care about a chick’s back story as long as she’s willing.”

  Making a disgusted sound in my throat, I can’t imagine living my life that way, I say, “One day, a girl is going to come along and knock you on your ass. I can only hope I’m there to see it happen. You really are a pig.”

  Laughter fills the line. “Yeah, I am. But it sure is hella fun. Seriously though, take it slow, get to know him. Show him you don’t mean him any harm. You know what they say about actions speaking louder than words. You’re a good man. He’ll see that.”

  “Wow. Thanks, man. Just for that, I’m going to give you a little piece of advice. You ready?”

  He chuckles again. “Yeah, I’m listening.”

  “Don’t get herpes.” His laugh once again fills the line between us until he’s coughing.

  “That’s good advice. I’ll do my best. Text me later and let me know how it goes.”

  “Alright, later.”

  We say our goodbyes and hang up. I feel a bit calmer, but I will need to talk to my mother about this. She’s been a child psychologist since before Alex and I were born, working with at-risk youth most of the time. She is the most amazing woman. If he’s from around this area, there’s a chance they’ve crossed paths. I’m not sure if that would be awesome or really weird. Probably both.

  I haven’t touched my food and it’s more than likely cold by now anyway. I have to know if he’s still here or if he ran the second my back was turned. I want him to be comfortable here, to be comfortable with me. I can’t remember a time when it was important to me, when it was important for a specific person to be comfortable in my home, in my presence.

  Opening the door quietly, I listen for any tell-tale sounds. Clicking of the keyboard or utensils on the plate, anything. I want him to eat and I need to know when he leaves here his stomach will be full and happy. Somehow, I need to make sure he leaves with leftovers but not make it seem like I pity him.

  I can hear him typing on the laptop, so I know he hasn’t left yet, deciding to fake needing to pee, I leave my room to check on him. Since the hallway is short, he can see me once I’ve stepped through the door. Like a deer in the headlights, he freezes, staring straight at me. I give him what I hope is a comforting smile and a nod before heading to the bathroom and closing the door. I feel like a teenager again, trying to sneak glances at a crush.

  Turning the water on I go through the motions of having to pee, so I’m not in here for a weird amount of time. I have no idea how much attention he’s going to pay to this little trip. After a minute, I flush and wash my hands then leave the confined space.

  He hasn’t moved at all since I stepped out of my room. “You doing alright? Need anything?”

  He looks up over the computer and shakes his head. “I’m just sending the email to my teacher now.”

  I look at his plate and see he hasn’t touched it. “That’s great. I’ll pack this up for you to take home.” He looks like he wants to argue, but I pick up the plate and head to the kitchen before he gets a chance. He didn’t touch it, and I don’t understand why, he’s obviously hungry. Maybe he’s embarrassed?

  Heading back to the living room, he’s packing his stuff into his backpack, perfect timing. “Here you go.” I smile when I hand it to him, acting like the situation is completely normal. He looks at it for only a second before taking it and adding it to his bag. “Thank you.”

  “Y
ou’re welcome. Do you need a ride?”

  “No, but thanks, I’ll catch the bus. I really appreciate you letting me work here. Thanks again.”

  “It was no trouble at all. I’m glad I was able to help.”

  We stand there in awkward silence for a minute before he swings his bag onto his shoulders. “Well, I need to get going to catch my bus.”

  Stepping back, I give him room to walk past me. “I’ll see you in class on Monday.”

  He nods at me then closes the door behind him.

  See you in class on Monday? God, I’m an idiot.

  Chapter Fourteen

  BEN -

  Out of breath from running to catch the last bus, I drop into an empty seat and press my forehead against the glass. Tonight has been one of the strangest and most confusing nights of my life. I don’t know what to think or how to feel. He almost kissed me. He cooked food for me, tried to make sure I was comfortable. Why would he do that for me? I’m a nobody.

  My phone vibrates in my pocket, startling me from my thoughts. Without looking at the screen, I know it’s Kristen.

  “Hey, Kris, what’s up?” I greet, my forehead still pressed against the glass.

  “Where the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for hours!” she yells.

  “I’m sorry. I was working on homework.”

  “Bullshit. If you were working on homework, you would have told me. I’ve heard literally nothing from you for three hours!”

  “I…” Taking a deep breath, I know the next words out of my mouth will bring a shit storm. “I was at Mr. Bennet’s house.”

  Silence. Looking at the screen of my phone, I check to see if I dropped the call.

  “Hello? Are you still there?” I ask.

  “You were where?” she screams this time, and I’m forced to pull the phone from my ear.