by Andi Jaxon
* * *
“Do you want to? Have sex with Jessica, I mean.”
“Dad. Come on.” I roll my eyes and stand up to leave.
“You’re sixteen. It’s completely normal to want to have sex with every girl that walks past you.”
* * *
A sinking feeling settles into my gut. Does he know? “Did you have this conversation with Alex too?”
“No, I didn’t need to.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can tell he wants to have sex with every girl that walks past him.”
“I have a girlfriend.” My response is lame, and I know it.
* * *
“Yes, you do, but I don’t think it’s what you want.” He knows. He has to. I can feel the blood drain from my face and my heart pound in my chest.
* * *
I have no response. All I can do is stand there and stare at him, lost, angry, and confused. “I see the way you look at Jessica or don’t look at her. I also see how you look at your teammates, your friends.” He stands up too, putting us eye to eye. I shake my head, I’m not gay, I can’t be. Alex isn’t, and we’re twins, we’re the same. Dad wraps his arms around me and hugs me tight, one hand on the back of my head. “It’s okay. It’s okay if you like boys. It’s okay to be gay.” I shake my head harder and shove away from him, angry. “I’m not gay!” My outburst echoes in the kitchen before I storm upstairs and slam my bedroom door.
I lay in my bed for the rest of the day. I didn’t even eat dinner. Ignored everyone that came to my door, even locked it to keep Mom and Alex out. My computer stayed off, and I refused to talk to anyone. A few days after that conversation, I broke it off with Jessica and felt lighter, and it was only about a month later when I came out to Mom. By the end of the summer, Dad and Alex knew too. Though Alex was pissed to be the last one that I told, his initial response was typical, “About damn time, man.”
The memories have me thinking about Ben, wondering if he ever had someone to come out to. Did he have anyone that supported him, told him it was alright? Gave him a hug?
Chapter Twenty-Five
BEN -
I had to wait a while for my bus, but it gave me time to process. Taking in the city life around me, I realize don’t belong here. Women going out of their way to not walk next to me, elderly folks side-eyeing me like I’m about to rob them. I don’t know if I can ever come back here and Alister can never come to my part of town. We can never work, not really, we’re from two different worlds.
Getting on the bus, I sit with my head against the glass, watching the city change from thriving to dying. My stop comes up, and I exit, hood over my head, eyes down, as I walk to my dilapidated building. After spending the night in Alister’s house, the differences between his building and mine couldn’t be any more apparent. Where his building smelled clean and fresh, mine smells like mold and mildew. His has light colored walls and an elevator, while I have dirty, stained brown walls and stairs that are literally rotting.
The door to my apartment is so old that a good push with your shoulder would probably break it, the doorframe would splinter without much effort. I don’t know why I bother to lock it. There’s nothing inside anyone would want anyway. Pushing the squeaky door open and locking it behind me, I plug in my phone and wait for it to power on. I’m sure Kristen killed it last night by calling a hundred times.
The neighbors start fighting, again. Yelling, crying, screaming, and things being thrown. I sigh, dropping my head to my hands. This is where I belong, the life I’m destined to live.
My phone starts vibrating like crazy, all the notifications coming through from Kristen. I fell asleep earlier than I expected, but I was so comfortable laying against Alister. I was warm, my belly full, semi-relaxed from cumming, then my eyes closed and I got the best sleep I can remember ever having. Even my subconscious relaxed around him, and no nightmares plagued me.
Finally, my phone quiets, so I pick it up to wade through the notifications. Kristen’s incessant text messages, voicemails, and missed calls has a small smile forming on my lips. I don’t bother to listen or read any of them and just call her instead. It rings twice before her voice fills the line.
“Benjamin Robert Wallace, where the fuck have you been? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for over twelve hours! Twelve!”
“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry.” I take a deep breath, knowing the shit storm that is about to hit me. “I was with Alister. I just got home.”
“Excuse me? You were with Alister Bennet all night?”
“Yup. All night. We slept on his couch.” Being careful of the charging cord, I lay back on my bed and sling my arm over my eyes.
“Wait. Back the hell up, you were at his house?”
I sigh, knowing I need to start at the beginning. “Okay, here’s the whole story. Keep your mouth shut until I’m done. No interruptions. Got it?”
“Got it.”
“Yesterday, he emailed me and asked if I was available to meet up to study. I picked the pool hall that we use to hang out at for him to meet me at. We studied for a while then he decided we needed a break, and I suggested we play pool.” Her cackling laugh fills my ear. “Shut up. Anyway, that was a disaster. He kissed me, hard. Like lifted me onto the pool table and kissed the shit out of me.”
“Oh baby, pool is the sexiest thing in the entire world.”
“I said no interruptions. When he stopped kissing me, he asked me to come home with him.”
“No shit? Go, Ben!”
“Shut it! So, I did. Go home with him. We made out on the couch, and in his kitchen, he feeds me, then we laid down on the couch and passed out.”
“Does he know I’m the only person you’ve kissed?”
“Yes. I told him straight girls are pretty good kissing teachers.”
“When are you going to see him again?”
“Probably in class on Monday because I will have to see him every time I go…”
She scoffs at me. “No, smart-ass. You know what I mean.”
I don’t answer right away, the truth is, I don’t think I’m going to. It’ll be better for both of us if I don’t. He can move past whatever it is that makes him want to see me, and I can move on too. “I don’t think I’m going to.”
“What? Why the hell not?”
“Come on, don’t play dumb.”
“I’m not playing dumb. A smart, successful, incredibly attractive man wants to spend time with you. What’s your problem?”
“My problem? He has no business being with me. He can have his pick of men, and he can find a better match than me.”
“That’s bullshit, and you know it.”
“I do not know it. My apartment building smells like mold and mildew, some stairs and floorboards are literally rotting, and most of the time I go hungry because I can’t afford food. He can do a hell of a lot better than me!” Now I’m sitting up and yelling, my arms waving around as I shout at my best and only friend.
“What? Why didn’t you tell me it was that bad? I would have helped you! I can pay for an apartment with solid floors and food. Jesus Christ, Ben.”
“I don’t want your help, Kris. I don’t want to be indebted to anyone when I’m done with school. If that means skipping a few meals and living in a shit heap, so be it.”
“Where you’re living is dangerous. Lord only knows what crap you’re breathing in, not to mention the high probability of physical injury with rotting floorboards. You need to live somewhere better.”
“It’s fine. I’m almost done with school. I need to get some studying done. I’ll call you later.”
“I know you’re blowing me off, but I’m going to let you do it anyway. You are worthy of more than you think. I love you.”
“I love you too.” We end the call, and I fall back onto my bed again. Mentally exhausted. I catch a scent of Alister and bury my nose in the hood of my sweater, inhaling deeply. His spicy sent sending my heart into a frenz
y. I want to save it forever. Sitting up, I pull my sweatshirt over my head, so I don’t rub his smell off the fabric. I set it aside on the bed and strip off the rest of my clothes to get into the shower.
By the time I leave the shower, my teeth are chattering, and my skin is turning blue. I swear the water is only a few degrees above freezing, but I’m clean. I pull on the warmest clothes I can find and crawl into bed, snuggling the sweater to my chest so I can fall asleep with the scents of nutmeg and coffee swirling in my head.
Chapter Twenty-Six
ALISTER -
With the exception of the very first day of teaching, I don’t think I’ve ever anticipated a Monday as much as today. I haven’t heard from Ben all weekend and my mind has been running wild. I sent him an email since I don’t have his phone number, but he never responded, I don’t even know if he got home okay.
This morning I shoved a protein bar in my bag for later and didn’t bother to brew a cup of coffee. I took a shower, got dressed, and walked to campus, because I was too anxious to sit around and wait. The rain is coming down hard today, so the mats inside the door are already soaked, “caution: wet floor” cones are set up, and it’s only 8am. Inside my office, I let out a deep breath and turn on the Keurig, more from force of habit than from actually wanting a cup.
Sitting at my desk, my leg is bouncing, I’ve started five different things, but nothing is holding my attention. I’ve never been this distracted, this emotionally invested in anyone. I’ve spent so little time with him that it doesn’t make sense, I shouldn’t care this much, I shouldn’t need him this much.
I can’t sit anymore, pacing my small office only gets me more aggravated. Ripping open the door to stalk the halls, I’m stopped short. Without a word, I grip the back of his neck in my hand and pull him into my office and find his lips with mine. Frustration, irritation, and wanting turns the kiss more aggressive, but he doesn’t back down. He not only takes my assault but gives it back just as hard. My entire body is hard, tense.
Backing up, my legs hit the small love seat and I sit, dragging Ben into my lap, refusing to break the connection. He doesn’t hesitate to straddle my thighs, riding my hips like he was born to. One hand tangles in his hair, the silky strands are so damn soft. The other hand wraps around his hip to cup his ass, encouraging him. Ben is grinding against me with everything he has, the friction of jean on jean making us hotter. His mouth explores me, bites and licks, kisses and sucks, he’s driving me insane. He grabs a fistful of my hair and pulls my head back, exposing my neck and latching on. I know he’s going to leave a mark, I should tell him to stop, but fuck if I want to. I want his mark on my skin, his claim. I know the halls will be full of co-eds whispering about who did it, I’ll be watched even closer for clues. His teeth bite into my skin and my breathing stutters.
I reach for his pants, wanting to feel him in my hand, wanting to make him feel good. The button opens, and the suction on my neck is gone. My eyes meet his, the endless midnight of his eyes are molten when I free his cock from the confines of his pants. The hard velvet of his most sensitive flesh in the palm of my hand. He’s a bit longer than me but not quite as thick, and overall, it’s a glorious cock.
His hands drop to my chest, his eyes on my hands, watching me pump and cup him. He shutters and groans, precum beading on his tip. My thumb swipes over the bead, and I bring it to my lips, his eyes following the movement. When salty musk explodes on my tongue, we both moan.
“Take my cock out.” I barely recognize my voice, the deep command to it. He doesn’t hesitate, his hands immediately moving to the buckle of my pants. It only takes a few seconds for him to have his hand inside my pants, grasping my cock. “Fuck…”
Ben’s fingers are cold on my overheated flesh, but it feels amazing pumping my length. Moans, groans, and growls fill the small space around us, neither one caring about the possibility of being heard.
My hand works him faster, squeezing a little harder, twisting my hand around him. His eyes close and his head drops, leaning into the hand still on my chest. “Kiss me. Kiss me while you cum.” I aim his dick toward my shirt, knowing I have another one in here somewhere. His mouth fuses to mine, his tongue mimicking sex has me ready to blow. My body tenses further, my cock grows bigger, and I shutter my release onto my own stomach, spilling over his hand. My release sets off Ben’s, his whimpers caught by my mouth still sealed to his, as hot cum trails down my hand and pools on my shirt. I couldn’t be more satisfied in this moment.
He shutters and kisses me softly before sitting back on my legs, careful not to make a bigger mess. Ben’s body is completely relaxed, spent, and my chest fills with pride. I did that to him.
With a smirk on my lips, I chuckle. “Thanks for dropping by.”
He smiles and stands up, tucking himself away, and grabbing the box of tissues from my desk to help me clean up some. With the worst of it taken care of, he helps me to unbutton my shirt, his eyes so intense I can almost feel it. The shirt is carefully folded and shoved into my bag.
Standing in my office shirtless, my hands on my hips, I look over at Ben to see him lost in his own head. Staring but not seeing. With fingers under his chin, I bring his lips to mine once again, soft brushes of skin against skin. This kiss is comforting instead of full of lust and need. His palm cups my prickly cheek, and turning my head, I kiss his hand then his forehead, before stepping back to dig in my desk for a shirt.
Ben’s eyes zero in on my neck, leaving me to believe the mark is worse than he meant for it to be. “I hope you have a turtle neck in here.”
I laugh at his response. I don’t think I’ve ever had a hickey and I sure as shit don’t regret this one. “Nah, I’ll wear it with pride.”
“I’m really sorry. I didn’t know it would be that bad.” When I glance up, he looks a little pale.
“Hey, look at me.” I wait until he’s not just looking, but seeing me, before I speak again. “I’m not sorry. I’ll wear it with pride. Plus, I’m pretty sure it’s a first for me, because I don’t remember getting a hickey before.”
Some of the color is back in his cheeks, but he still looks worried, maybe because I haven’t seen it yet. Grabbing my phone, I turn the camera on to face me and take a look at the mark on my neck. It’s red, almost purple, and looking at it turns me on again. My eyes meet his, lust meets fear. Seeing just how scared he is kills the buzz in my veins.
“Really, it’s fine. I like it even.”
“I think I should change classes,” he blurts out, taking me by surprise.
“What? Why? Are you uncomfortable in my class because of this?” My hands motioning between us.
“I think it’ll be better if you aren’t my teacher anymore.” He’s looking at the floor again, backing toward the door. “I’m sorry.” The door opens, and he’s gone before I can wrap my head around what he just said. By the time the message gets to my feet to move, he’s long gone out of the building.
What the fuck just happened?
The pressure on my chest is heavy, as I drop my ass onto the chair I was sitting on only a few moments ago. My mind runs wild, replaying every second we’ve spent together since we met a month ago. Did I push him too far, too fast? Is he scared? Is there something I overlooked?
Why does my heart feel heavy when I’ve known him such a short time?
Chapter Twenty-Seven
BEN -
Outside of the Mathematics building, my back hits the wall, and I slide down to curl into a ball. I did what I had to do. I did this to protect him. He can’t be caught with me, it will ruin his career, and I am definitely not worth it.
With my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around myself, I let the tears fall. I’m weak. I’m nothing.
For a few hours, I let myself believe Alister cared about me. I felt safe and wanted as if he wanted to take care of me. It’s pathetic how a few hours of peace can rip your heart out when they’re gone. All weekend I talked myself into ending this before class, thinking his offi
ce would afford us privacy but not the comfort of being at his house. I kept my distance, didn’t respond to his email, even though every fiber of my being wanted to. I wanted to see him again, be held again. It’s better this way because he can find someone worthy of his time now.
Once the tears dry, my heart heavy and cracking, I sit in the dirt. Being up against the building means this patch is dry, and the bushes hide me well enough from people passing by that no one should bother me. It’s cold out here, but nothing I’ve not lived through before, it’s not even the coldest I’ve experienced. My phone vibrates, and I know it’s Kristen, checking in on me again. I’ve been distant all weekend and haven’t told her why. I know she’ll try to convince me I’m wrong and I need to stay strong in order to get through it.
Digging into my pocket, I pull the phone out and see an email from Alister. My heart constricts, terrified of what it says. I stare at it for a long while before working up the courage to read it.
Ben,
I would really like to talk to you about this morning. I’m sorry I pushed you to do anything you weren’t comfortable with, my emotions got the better of me. I know it’s a terrible excuse, but it’s the truth. The last thing I want is for you to be afraid of me or uncomfortable in my presence. With it being so late in the quarter, I don’t believe you can switch classes. Please continue to come to class. I promise to be on my best behavior. I don’t want you to fail your last quarter before graduation because of me. I’m happy to continue to tutor you as well or help you find someone else. Please don’t throw away your future.
Alister
