Lucy in the Sky

by Paige Toon

  ‘Twenty bloody long years!’ shouts Sam and everyone laughs.

  ‘When Sam first asked me to be his best man and I realised I’d have to stand up and give a speech, I felt like throwing myself over that wall out there into the harbour. To be honest with you, I still do. But he promised me I could keep this brief so I’m going to take him up on that.’ I notice he’s not reading from any notes.

  ‘I want to tell you something about Sam. When we were kids he always looked out for me. And when Mum and Dad died, he almost gave up his scholarship so we could both stay in Sydney and get a place together. I had to nick off travelling in order to persuade him to go to uni. But that’s just Sam.

  ‘He’s the best brother I could ever have. He’s the closest family I have. And I know Mum and Dad would have been very proud of him. I’m just sorry they can’t be here to see him tie the knot with Molly. They always loved her like she was part of the family and now she really is.’

  By the time he’s finished there’s not a dry eye in the place, Sam, Molly and myself included. I glance across at Nathan after he’s sat back down. He seems a little embarrassed with all the attention and my heart goes out to him. He looks over at me and we smile at each other for a moment, before I turn back to my dessert.

  Twenty minutes later our plates have all been cleared and the staff are starting to move tables away for the DJ. I look around but I can’t see Nathan, then I spot him over by Amy’s table; he is crouching down behind her chair and she has swivelled round to talk to him. I feel a white pang of jealousy shoot through me. ‘Get away from her!’ I want to shout, but I know how ludicrous that is. I have no hold over this man. In less than twenty-four hours I’ll be flying home. To my boyfriend, for Christ’s sake.

  I peek back over at Amy and she turns around and looks right at me. I quickly avert my gaze.

  I need to get away. I have to clear my head. I check with Molly that she doesn’t want anything and then get up and go through the open marquee door, back through the gate into the gardens. It’s late afternoon and the wind is just starting to pick up. I have to lift my long silver skirt up slightly as I wind my way back past the old gum tree, past the sculptures, to find myself standing in front of a cluster of bamboo, towering high above me, forty or fifty feet into the air. I look up for a minute and listen to it clacking together and creaking and groaning in the breeze. People have carved their names into the bright yellow and green stalks:

  Robin x Helen

  Sal hearts Dean

  Even some Japanese and Chinese, which I can’t decipher. I look at the information plaque:

  Bambusa Vulgaris–Common Bamboo

  ‘What do you call a sheep with no legs?’

  I spin around and he’s there, behind me, unlit cigarette in his hand. He’s taken off his suit jacket and loosened his shirt collar and tie.

  ‘Go on.’ I smile.

  ‘A cloud.’

  ‘That’s funny!’

  ‘Yeah, I’d forgotten that one,’ he says, lighting his cigarette. He uses matches, not a lighter, and he has to cup his hands together to stop the breeze from blowing the flame out.

  ‘How’s Amy?’

  ‘Not the best.’ He scuffs the gravel on the pavement with his shoe.

  ‘What’s wrong with her?’

  ‘She wants to know what’s going on. She wants to know how I feel.’

  ‘How do you feel?’

  He takes a long drag on his cigarette before answering. ‘I don’t think she’s the girl for me.’ He looks at me suddenly, intensely, then glances away.

  ‘You need to tell her that.’

  ‘I know.’

  Am I the girl for him? We’re so different. The more I get to know Nathan, the more I realise how little we have in common. Am I too old for him? I’ve been to university and he barely even finished high school. I have a career and I love it. I do love it, I think fiercely. I’ve got the best job in the world! What would I do if I moved here? Good jobs are much harder to come by.

  I don’t share with him the thoughts that are rushing through my head. I still don’t even really know what he thinks of me.

  ‘Are you looking forward to going back to England tomorrow?’ he asks finally.

  ‘Not really,’ I answer.

  ‘How do you feel about seeing your boyfriend again?’ He is staring at me steadily with those bluey-grey eyes.

  ‘Not good. I just don’t know.’ I look away because his gaze is too intense. Then I turn back to him, abruptly. ‘How can you afford not to work?’

  ‘Well, the house is half mine, you know.’

  For some reason I just assumed Molly and Sam owned the house outright now, but of course Nathan would have inherited half.

  ‘Did they buy you out of it?’ I ask.

  ‘No,’ he swiftly denies it. ‘I don’t need all that money and they couldn’t afford to do that. They pay me rent and give me a share of the B&B money. Who knows, one day we might sell the house, but not yet.’

  ‘Don’t you want to have a job, though?’ I press. The fact that he doesn’t work bothers me.

  ‘I don’t really know what I’d do.’

  ‘Isn’t anything better than nothing?’

  ‘You’ve got to be kidding, haven’t you?’

  ‘Well…I mean…Don’t you think your parents would have wanted you to do something? Have a career?’

  His eyes turn stony. I’ve pushed it too far.

  ‘I’m sorry, that was harsh.’

  But his response surprises me. ‘No, you’re right. They would be disappointed.’

  ‘I didn’t mean they’d be disappointed!’ I’m horrified.

  ‘No, they would,’ he says flatly. ‘They would be so proud of Sam, though. Going to university, getting his qualifications and then scoring this job. All I’ve done for the last few years is surf, bum around and live off the earnings from their family home. I don’t think they’d be proud.’ He inhales a last, long deep breath of his cigarette and then drops the butt down and squashes it into the pavement with his not-quite-shiny shoes.

  I immediately feel passionately overprotective. ‘They would be proud. You’re amazing. You’re a talented musician and an incredible surfer, and you’re the kindest, nicest guy I think I’ve ever met.’ I grab his hands. ‘It doesn’t matter if you haven’t quite found your feet yet–you will. There’s still lots of time.’

  Nathan looks at me for a moment. Then he frees one hand and places it on my face, his thumb rough as he brushes away a single tear that has slowly started to make its way down my cheek. I want to kiss him. I so want to kiss him. I tear my eyes away from his and look at his mouth. He cups my face with both of his hands, smudging away the tears that are falling freely. Just kiss me! I’ll cancel my flight, leave James for good, stay here with you!

  I will him to place those warm lips on mine. I look into his eyes and never want to look away. We’re so close I could just reach up and pull his face down to mine.

  But he doesn’t. And I don’t. And a few moments later I realise my tears have stopped falling and he has no reason to be holding my face, brushing them away. We smile at each other sadly as he strokes my cheeks with his thumbs one last time, before letting go, leaving me cold and damp and bereft without his touch.

  ‘There you are!’ Amy cries as she totters down the path in too-high heels towards us. I step back away from him. ‘They’re going to shut the gates soon, you have to come back.’

  I realise with surprise it’s almost closing time at the Botanic Gardens. Amy puts her hand out to Nathan. He doesn’t take it; just joins her and starts to walk away by her side. I follow on behind them, thinking she looks like a nine-year-old in her mother’s heels, as we make our way back down through the gardens and out of the gates. The DJ has the party in full swing when we get back.

  ‘I was wondering where you were!’ Molly exclaims when the three of us reappear. ‘I’m about to throw the bouquet. Go on, off you go, I’m getting together all the unmarried gi
rls.’ As Amy teeters off, Molly grabs my hand and looks at me seriously. My heart stops for a moment as I wonder if she’s worked out what’s going on. ‘Go and stand to the front right–that’s where I’ll throw it,’ she says urgently.

  ‘Okay.’ I start to walk off and she pulls me back. What now?

  ‘I mean to my right.’

  ‘Okay!’ I laugh and follow her instructions. Serious business, this bouquet throwing…

  Of course it doesn’t go anywhere near me. Amy makes a jump for it and almost falls over when she lands back down on her heels, but she doesn’t manage to grab it either. In the end it goes to one of Sam and Nathan’s young cousins from Western Australia.

  The sun is setting outside the marquee now and the guests wander out to stand by the railings and watch it sinking. ‘Where’s Lucy?’ I hear Sam’s deep voice asking. He and Molly are side by side, and both grin when they see me. ‘Lucy, come here,’ Sam says, holding his hand out to me. He wraps his arm around me and we stand there, watching as the harbour is cast in a peachy glow and the lights of the city’s business towers grow brighter.

  This reminds me of my last evening nine years ago. Only then it was a completely different brother who was filling my head. I feel like I’m going to cry again and have to furiously swallow over and over as I choke back my tears. Then someone shouts ‘Look!’ and we see the bats take flight, thousands of them–a gigantic black cloud gliding silently away from the gardens and towards the city. It’s spectacular.

  Molly and Sam turn to each other and I hang back, letting them go. The other guests are dispersing and moving towards the marquee. When I look around for Nathan I see him further down the wall, staring out at the harbour. Amy is by his side.

  It’s very distracting. Wherever I am over the next couple of hours, I’m wondering where Nathan is. I only have to be in one place for one minute before I find myself peering around to clock his position. I feel like a woman possessed. Right now he and Amy are talking to a group of young guys and girls–I think the people Amy was sitting with earlier. She’s laughing and he’s looking mildly amused. Before I can look away he catches my eye and motions me over. I’m not sure I’ll feel at ease around his friends–especially if they’re Amy’s too–but it would be weird not to go to him. I leave Jenny, Amanda and some of the other hens behind on the dance floor, being careful not to slip over in my high heels. Nathan steps aside and makes room for me in their little circle.

  ‘Guys, this is Lucy.’

  ‘Hey, Lucy!’ they all exclaim drunkenly. ‘Nice to meet you.’

  ‘You too.’

  ‘You coming tomorrow?’ a tall, cute guy with a light brown Afro asks me.

  ‘Nah, she’s flying back to England,’ Nathan chips in.

  ‘Ah, too bad,’ the cute guy says.

  I look up at Nathan questioningly. ‘It’s Barry’s birthday,’ he explains, nodding at his mate. ‘We’re having a beach party.’

  ‘Oh, I see.’ A pause. ‘Are you going?’ I ask him.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Yeah, mate, you’re not going to miss out on a piss-up with your pals, are ya?’ Barry says, wrapping his arm around Nathan’s neck. ‘And Ames’ll be there too,’ he adds, throwing his other arm around a radiant Amy.

  In my daydreams I’d imagined him seeing me off in the morning. Sam and Molly will have left for their honeymoon in Bali and I’ll be alone. The realisation makes me unbearably miserable.

  ‘LUCY!’ Molly interrupts loudly from the other side of the dance floor.

  ‘Nice to meet you all…’ I feel sick with disappointment as I excuse myself and go over to her.

  ‘We’re setting off to our hotel shortly,’ she says tipsily. ‘We’ll just say our goodbyes to everyone else, but don’t you go anywhere.’

  I use the opportunity to go and say farewell to Molly’s parents and Andie, who’s leaning drowsily up against her mum.

  ‘We’ll be off soon too, love. So nice that you could come. You look gorgeous!’ Sheila gushes. ‘Doesn’t she, Bruce?’

  ‘Gorgeous!’ Bruce agrees wholeheartedly.

  ‘Thank you,’ I reply, embarrassed, and bend down to Andie.

  ‘Bye, Andie.’

  ‘Bye.’ She smiles sleepily up at me.

  ‘Hope to see you soon.’

  She doesn’t answer.

  ‘Aah, she’s tired, poor little mite,’ Sheila says.

  ‘Bye, both of you. Lovely to see you again.’

  ‘You too, Lucy. Good luck with everything.’

  After I’ve said my goodbyes to all the hens I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. I don’t feel comfortable walking back to Nathan and Amy’s group now so I go and wait by the wall overlooking the harbour and stare at the city lights until Molly and Sam reappear, fifteen minutes later.

  ‘I love you,’ Molly says, squeezing me tightly.

  She releases me to Sam and he holds me close in his strong arms. I break away after a moment and pull Molly in, in a three-way hug.

  ‘Don’t leave it so long, okay?’ Her voice is barely audible as she presses her face into my hair.

  ‘I won’t. I’ll be back before you know it.’

  We let go of each other and look over to the other side of the marquee where the little red train has pulled up, on loan from the gardens for the night. Molly and Sam climb onto it and the waiting guests start to clap and cheer as the driver pulls away. Someone has tied cans to the back of the last carriage and they clank together noisily.

  But when the laughter from the guests dies, and the train disappears around a corner, taking my best friends in the whole world with it, I’m besieged with an overwhelming sadness. I feel lost. Totally lost.

  ‘Alright, Lucy?’ It’s Molly’s uncle, Ken. ‘You ready to go to your hotel now? We’ll catch a cab out at the front.’

  I’m staying the night in a hotel so as to be well placed for a taxi to the airport in the morning. It’s not the same one as Sam and Molly’s–that was too pricey–but it’s nice enough.

  ‘It’s alright, Ken, we’ll take her.’ Nathan appears by my side, closely followed by Amy, and my heart immediately lifts.

  ‘Are you sure?’ Ken asks me.

  ‘Yes.’ I nod brightly.

  ‘Well, your suitcase is already there, dear, so you just have to check in.’

  I thank him. He was kind enough to drop my luggage off for me at the hotel earlier.

  ‘Okay?’ Nathan asks, glancing down at me. If only we didn’t have Amy with us, but I’m so glad we’re not saying our final goodbyes just yet.

  ‘Nathan and I don’t have long if we’re going to catch the last ferry,’ Amy enlightens me. She seems more confident somehow, and I’m not sure why.

  Nathan hails a cab and opens the door while Amy and I climb in. She stays seated in the middle, obviously expecting him to go around to the other side, but he leans in and tells her to budge up, so she moves over to the window. I shift along and sit in the middle, between them.

  ‘Harbour Rocks Hotel, please,’ I tell the driver. None of us really speaks on the way there. The warmth of Nathan’s leg is pressing into mine and I can feel his chest rise and fall with every breath. I’m jittery inside. I so want to reach down and take his hand. He’s looking away from me, out of the window. I follow his gaze to the city towering overhead.

  Nathan insists on paying the driver and comes back to my door to help me out, even though I’m already stepping onto the pavement. His touch on my bare arm leaves it burning. I wonder if I’ll feel like this next time I see him. Will I feel like this about anyone ever again?

  All three of us go up to the front desk and they wait with me while I check in, Amy shuffling from foot to high-heeled foot impatiently as Nathan stands beside me.

  ‘You should check out the Gumnut Café round the corner for breakfast. Dad used to take me there.’

  ‘Okay.’ I smile up at him.

  ‘We’d better go,’ Amy urges Nathan. ‘We’re going to miss the last ferr
y.’

  He turns to me. ‘Are you going to be alright tomorrow?’

  ‘Yeah. It’ll be easy to hail a cab from out there.’ I motion to the doorway.

  ‘Well, okay, then.’

  It’s awkward for a moment. Do we hug? Kiss? Instead I turn to Amy.

  ‘Bye, Amy.’ She gives me a little hug.

  I withdraw and turn to Nathan.

  ‘Bye,’ I say, and he leans down to me and I up to him as we hug quickly, unfulfillingly, with Amy standing by. They turn to leave, she looking up at him, he not looking back at me, me watching them push out through the glass doors.

  Then suddenly he’s back and my heart soars.

  ‘I almost forgot to give you this.’ He presses something into my hand. I look down. It’s the cassette tape from his car.

  ‘Nathan…’ I put my hand on his chest. I could ask him to stay. I could ask him to come to my room with me.

  ‘Bye, Luce.’ He leans in and kisses me on the corner of my lips. And then he’s gone.

  I look down at the cassette in my hand, then I lift my silver skirt and make my way upstairs to my bedroom along the corridor, where my suitcase is waiting.

  I sit on the bed for a moment, then stand and take off my shoes. I unzip myself mechanically, stepping out of my dress and laying it over a chair. I open my suitcase and pull out my cosmetics case. I take off my make-up slowly, meticulously, all the while staring at myself in the mirror. I unclip my hair, letting it fall around my shoulders, and then I reach up and unclasp the diamonds from my ears. Dropping them into my jewellery bag I go and sit on the bed. Alone. I bury my face in my hands and start to sob, so silently it almost kills me.

  Chapter 9

  My eyes are puffy when I wake up and I feel like someone has clawed them out. I manage to doze off again until my phone starts buzzing at 9.45. Nathan? I snatch it up. No, it’s the alarm I set last night.

  I have to leave at midday for the airport so I shower and pack at a snail’s pace. I lug my suitcase down the stairs, one bump by one, and check out. Leaving my case at reception, I wander out of the hotel, looking for the Gumnut Café.