“I know,” Monica whispered. She took a deep, calming breath and found her voice. “It just still hurts. I don’t know how I got through the separation.”
“You held out hope, Monica,” Evelyn said. “When things got bleak, you wanted us to stay together because we love each other. That was so powerful, and went a long way to helping us.”
Monica’s arms tightened around Evelyn as much as they could. “I love you, Mom.”
Evelyn kissed Monica’s forehead. “I love you too.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Monica jumped when Lily suddenly slammed her fists onto her piano bench. She turned around and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend. Her mind took in every sensation. She cared more for Lily than any of her friends. The realization sent Monica’s thoughts into turmoil. She had no idea why she cared so much.
“What is it, babe?” she asked, holding her tight.
“I’m never going to get this figured out,” Lily sighed. “We should just give up, and I’ll play A while you do B.”
Monica swayed side to side, resting her head on Lily’s left shoulder. Lily leaned her head back to nuzzle her and moved her hands up to hold their counterparts.
“You’ll get it, baby,” Monica said, almost whispering. She put a soft kiss on her neck and just held her. “Let’s take a little break. Close your eyes and relax.”
Lily’s eyes closed, and she gave in to the gentle rocking motion. She turned toward Monica and kissed her cheek a few times. “This feels good.”
Monica smiled and moved a hand up to run her fingers through Lily’s hair. Lily relaxed even more under her touch. “There you go. Let me know when your head is clear.”
Lily giggled and put a soft kiss of her own on Monica’s neck. “If you put it that way, my head may not clear for a year or two. I could stay right here for ages.”
Monica laughed and squeezed her. “You’re nervous about this, aren’t you?”
“Yeah,” Lily said. “It’s my first performance since the accident. What if I screw up?”
A pair of caring arms tightened their grip on Lily in a warm, caring squeeze. “I remember a girl in fifth grade performing in her first recital after I beat her,” Monica said. “She wanted to beat me so bad and even the score. And that’s exactly what she did, too. It started a rivalry where the two of us brought out the best in each other. I’m not worried about you at all, Lily. You’re going to be great.”
Lily turned around and embraced Monica. “I’m glad you believe in me. That makes one of us.”
Monica maneuvered both of them so she was staring straight into her frightened, hazel eyes. “You’re an awesome pianist, Lily. It’s going to be so much fun teaming up with you.”
“Thank you, babe,” Lily whispered back, wiping a tear from her eye. She leaned in and gently placed her lips on Monica’s.
Monica’s mind went into panic mode. What was happening? Why was she suddenly feeling both calm and excited at the same time? Why did this new rush of energy feel stronger now than it did when she first held her hand? She didn’t have time to get distracted by everything. They needed to get back to practicing.
“Should we try again?” Monica asked, noticing the new look of bewilderment in Lily’s eyes.
“Sure,” Lily replied, her voice matching the confusion in her eyes.
They continued their practice, keeping themselves on task. Lily managed to work out the rough spot, but on her next attempt, she fumbled through it. Monica comforted her as she decided it’d be better if she did A while Monica performed B. They ran through the score a couple of times before calling it a day.
Monica got her things packed up and helped Lily with her books. “We’re going to be awesome. You and me doing what we do best.”
“Only if I don’t screw up,” Lily said.
“Just imagine we’re in this room,” she suggested. “That’s what I do when a score has me worried.”
Lily raised an eyebrow. “You get worried? How do you get through it?”
“Oh yeah. I usually think about something that makes me happy. While I was learning B, I thought about the two of us sitting at twin grand pianos playing our hearts out for everyone’s enjoyment. You can do the same thing. It’ll help more than you think.”
Two pairs of eyes stared at each other, locked in place. Monica felt a spark between them and shifted her gaze between Lily’s eyes and lips as she got closer. Her eyes closed just before Lily kissed her and held it. She pulled back long enough to smile and whisper to her.
“I love you, Monica.”
Monica was mesmerized. Lily loved her. The poor girl had no idea that it was one-sided. She knew what she had to do. Monica had to let her go, but something stopped her. She'd never felt such strong feelings for anyone before. What was happening to her? The sensations from Lily’s continued kiss overloaded her thoughts, and she snapped herself away. This wasn’t supposed to happen to her, or so she thought.
“What’s wrong with you?” Lily asked. “Every time I try getting close you recoil like I’ve got the plague or something.”
“You don’t understand,” Monica said in a feverish rush, collecting her things from around her.
“Try me,” Lily challenged.
Monica zipped up her backpack and felt the growing lump in her throat. She couldn’t let Lily see she was about to collapse. “I don’t know,” she whispered.
“Monica,” she called softly. “Please stay and talk to me.”
“I can’t—I can’t do this.” Monica flung her backpack over her shoulder and looked at the door. She couldn’t look at Lily because she knew she’d break down. “I'll see you tomorrow.”
She rushed out of the door and didn't stop until she reached the safety of her car. Kendra ran to catch up with her. Her shaky fingers dug the keys from her purse and fumbled with them, trying to get them in the ignition. The car came to life, and she drove away as though someone was trying to follow her.
“What’s wrong?” Kendra asked. “You look terrified.”
Monica stopped at a light and closed her eyes. “Lily loves me.”
An eyebrow shot up on Kendra’s face. “And that’s bad because?”
“You know why,” Monica told her. “I don’t know if I can love her back.”
“Whatever,” she countered. “I think you do, but you’re so convinced otherwise that you won’t let yourself see it.”
“Cut it out,” Monica demanded. “You don’t know what’s going on inside my head!”
“No, I don’t,” Kendra answered in a calm voice. “That’s why I’m trying to understand.”
Monica never answered back, driving the rest of the way home in total silence.
Reaching her driveway, Monica killed the engine and glanced at her phone. She had a copious amount of texts from Lily and looked at them while her stomach churned.
Lily: Monica, what’s going on?
Lily: Please tell me, baby…
Lily: Monica, talk to me…
Lily: I don’t understand what happened. What did I do wrong? You didn’t want me to kiss you? Please help me understand. I can help if you talk to me.
Lily: TALK TO ME MONICA!!!
Lily: Is this your way of saying we’re done?
“Let me guess,” Kendra said. “Lillian.”
Monica nodded. She got out of her car and ran inside to her room. Diving under the covers, she pulled them up over her head and felt the protection from them. Her mind was in overdrive and wouldn’t stop. She still tried wrapping her head around the fact that Lily loved her. That one phrase stirred her emotions more than anything she’d ever experienced. Could everyone be right? Did the right person come along? Was it possible she loved Lily back?
Another realization landed a gut-wrenching blow. Lily said she loved her. In return, Monica rejected her. Her body deflated as tears flowed onto her sheets. A few minutes later, the mattress shifted. Someone was there with her.
“Monica?” Evelyn called out softly. “
What’s wrong honey?”
“I don’t know,” she said, still burrowed under the covers. “I have these new feelings whenever Lily is around, and they’re getting more and more intense.”
Evelyn pulled the covers down slowly to uncover Monica’s head. “What kind of feelings?”
Monica could only shrug. She had no idea how to sort out everything going through her head. “I don’t know that either. Besides, even if I did, I wouldn’t know where to start.”
“Just pick one,” her mom told her. “Let’s talk it out together.”
She maneuvered to sit up so she could see her mom better. Well, she’d be able to see her mom better if she could pull her eyes up off the comforter.
“It’s so weird,” Monica began. “It’s like my mood brightens whenever Lily is nearby. I’m almost paralyzed when she looks at me. When she smiles, it feels like she has me in a trance. And every time she gets close, it’s like someone releases a flock of doves in my stomach. She’s the most powerful magnet known to mankind, and I’m pulled to her like a moth to a flame.”
Evelyn’s head bobbed slightly. “How is that a bad thing?”
“I’m not sure it’s a bad thing,” she admitted. “I just feel like—I don’t know. There’s just something wrong with me.”
“No,” Evelyn said, placing a hand on Monica’s shoulder. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Monica. It sounds to me like you’re in love with Lillian.”
Monica’s eyes lifted from the bed. She looked past her mom, her mind now scrambling to make sense of this new information. “Is it really possible?”
“You’re feeling it right now, Monica,” Evelyn said. “Let go of the negativity and search your heart. It’ll say the same thing. Lily gave you the deep, strong connections you needed, and you fell in love with her.”
Monica closed her eyes as she worked to reconcile her feelings. She was the one who asked Lily out. That should’ve been her first clue. She’d always preferred friendships, but she wanted more with Lily. That should’ve been her second clue.
Her mind went back into overdrive, trying to sort everything out. What was it that caused her to ask Lily out? Just by asking the question, she was asking for a girlfriend—a romantic relationship. She did enjoy spending time with Lily, the conversations they’d had, and practicing together for their spring performance. But she also enjoyed spending time with Chloe and Erica. The difference was that as she got to know Lily, she felt the connections growing deeper. It seemed inconsequential at the time, but now she realized those deep connections enabled her to tap into a new part of her. The bigger picture finally came into focus.
She loved Lily.
Monica remembered the desperation in Lily’s voice before she left and how she wanted her to stay and talk. Those texts from Lily still went unanswered. She didn’t know how to answer back, and now that she did, neither a text message nor phone call seemed right. That left her with one option, and she had to take it.
“I need to go,” she said, resisting her urge to cry again. “I’m finally able to tell someone I’m seeing that I love them and mean it, and I pushed her away because I didn’t understand and got scared. I need to talk to her.”
Evelyn hugged her, and Monica felt the understanding pouring from her. “Go on, sweetie.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Lily fought through her emotions and parked her car at her apartment building. Her mind was a mass of conflicting thoughts as she tried to piece together what happened in the practice room. They went from sharing a romantic moment to a major catastrophe in an instant. Lily cried for a moment and brought herself together long enough to try getting help from a friend who also knew Monica pretty well.
Lily: Chloe?
Chloe: Lillian?
Lily: Can you talk?
Chloe: Sure! What’s up?
Lily: I think Monica broke up with me…
Chloe: SHE DID WHAT???
Chloe: What happened?
Lily: I don’t know…we were kissing after practice and she just left out of the blue. Something about me not understanding something.
Chloe: Crap…I know what it is. Where are you???
Lily: I’m at home.
Chloe: Be there in five minutes, hun.
Lily wiped away tears, knowing she just ruined her makeup. She went inside, dropping her backpack on the floor as soon as she stepped into her apartment. Judy would be home in a little bit, but Lily didn’t want her aunt to see her crying. Hoping it would help, she ran to the bathroom and removed her makeup before Chloe arrived. The last thing she wanted was to look like a circus clown reject. When she walked into her room, she plopped herself on the bed and cried, letting Chloe know she could just come in and where she was.
A gentle nudge startled her and her entire body jerked as her eyes shot open.
“Whoa!” Chloe said, jumping back a few feet. “Easy there, girl.”
“Sorry,” she said back, sitting up and inviting her friend to sit with her. “I must have fallen asleep.”
Chloe sat down, crossing her legs so she could stay close. “Yep.”
“Oops,” Lily said with a small grin.
“It’s okay,” Chloe said. “So I know what’s going on with Monica. She’s going to hate me for telling you, but I don’t care. You deserve to know. And honestly, I’m surprised she never told you.”
“Please tell me she isn’t dating anyone else,” she said, almost pleading with her to lie if necessary.
“No,” Chloe said with absolute certainty. “Monica doesn’t know how to cheat. You need to know that it’s not anything you did or said. The problem is Monica herself.”
The unexpected news guaranteed Chloe had Lily’s full attention. “Monica? What do you mean?”
For a brief moment, Chloe looked down at the bed, looking unsure of whether or not to continue. Lily willed her to explain since she wasn’t getting any answers from Monica.
Chloe exhaled and looked at her. “Do you remember the reaction Erica and I had when we saw you two holding hands in the hallway for the first time?”
Lily nodded, remembering the surprised expressions on their faces. At first, she just chalked it up to them not expecting it. Today, she realized they were quite surprised for a reason she never knew about. In her mind, she was bracing herself for devastating news.
“Well,” Chloe continued, drawing it out as though she tried to summon the courage to continue. “Monica went out with Dylan two years ago, but she never felt anything. We assumed it meant that she preferred girls. So she briefly dated Brandy, and the same thing happened. She felt nothing. I mean, she held hands, hugged, and kissed as normal couples do, but she never got anything from it.”
“Okay,” Lily said. “She’s had a couple of duds.”
Chloe sniggered and shook her head. “If it were only that simple. Monica tried so hard to prove her counselor wrong, but in the end, she gave up and accepted that she’s demiromantic.”
Lily considered what she just heard, tilting her head in confusion. “I don’t understand.”
“Basically,” Chloe started to say, looking a little nervous herself. “Monica needs a deep, emotional connection with someone before she can start having feelings for them.”
Lily was silent for a moment. Her mind tried to wrap around the idea of Monica needing a deep connection with someone. “And I’m the first one she’s met that she’s reached that level with?”
Chloe nodded. “Exactly. Her connection with you put her in unfamiliar territory. Territory she never thought she’d ever reach. Based on what you texted me about practice, I’m willing to bet that she got flooded with brand new emotions and didn’t know how to handle it.”
Lily blinked a few times as she tried putting the pieces together. “Are you saying that I scared Monica by kissing her?”
A simple nod met the question. “If Monica ran, then she was majorly freaked out.”
“Great,” Lily said with a sigh. “I get the courage to kiss my girlf
riend, and it scares the hell out of her.”
Chloe laughed. “It isn’t you, Lillian. She’s scared because she’s overloaded. That’s happened whenever anything big comes up—life, school, work, you name it.”
“Why is she scared of me?”
Chloe shrugged, even though Lily suspected she knew the answer. “That’s something you should hear from Monica.”
Monica’s odd behavior at school now made sense, but still left Lily with questions. She didn’t just push Monica’s boundaries. She knocked one down and Monica didn’t know how to respond because she was overloaded. That made sense, but what was Monica scared about?
“That isn’t very helpful,” Lily said with a sigh.
Chloe's phone vibrated on her leg. She looked at the incoming text message and scowled. "I have to play chauffeur. My mom's car died."
Lily flashed an understanding smile and nodded towards the door. "Go help your mom. I'll be okay."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I just need to think things out.”
Chloe grabbed her purse and looked straight into Lily's eyes. "You tell me if you need me to come back, okay?"
"I will."
Monica's car door closed, and she stared at the steering wheel for a moment. She had to admit part of her was anxious about going to Lily’s apartment. She'd been so stupid, and it wouldn't surprise her if Lily didn't want to see her anymore. Lily was hers—was being the keyword—and she threw it away because she got scared. She still wanted her. Now, more than ever, she needed her.
The only thing that mattered to her now was getting Lily’s forgiveness.
Duet (Readdie Family Book 1) Page 10
