eyond Desire Collection

by JS Scott, M Malone, Marie Hall, et al

  “Mom.” I sigh. “I sent a text when I got to the pharmacy. After that I was driving. You do realize there are laws against using the phone while driving, right?”

  “Don’t be difficult. I have something to tell you.”

  “Okay.” I shift and lean against the side of her house. “So spill it.”

  “I invited—”

  The door swings open and Cadan strolls out, wearing designer jeans and an expertly tailored sports coat. “Lucy! Merry Christmas.” He wraps his arms around me and kisses me on the cheek, lingering longer than is polite for a simple Christmas hug.

  My mind whirls while my body automatically relaxes, feeling completely comfortable in his arms. Irritated with my physical response, I stiffen and pull out of his embrace, trying not to scowl. Fighting in front of Mom will only make matters worse. She’ll take a side. His. “Cadan,” I say, eyeing him, “this is a surprise. I thought you’d be with your family.”

  “I am.” He nods in my direction. “I can’t spend Christmas away from you.”

  My jaw tenses. I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming. I should have. It’s exactly the kind of thing both of them would do. He’s going to milk this for everything he can. “What about your mom? She can’t be happy you’re here instead of back east.”

  “Lucy!” Mom scolds me in a hushed whisper. “Stop berating him. He came to surprise you.”

  I narrow my eyes at him. No he didn’t. He came to ambush me.

  He smiles for my mother’s sake and shakes his head as if I’m being amusing. “Mom and Dad went on a cruise to the Caribbean. She’s been dreaming about it for years.”

  “A gift from you?” I know he bought her the tickets. His parents, while they do fine, don’t have money for extras.

  He shrugs. “It’s nice to do something for them once in a while.”

  “Aren’t you just the sweetest,” Mom gushes. She gives me a dirty look as she takes his arm and pulls him back into the house. “Lucy, get in here and be pleasant to your father.”

  That uncontrollable anger rushes to my head again. The pressure is so great I’m certain my head is going to combust right there on her porch. How dare she refer to him as my father? Dad passed only six months ago. I almost turn around and leave right then and there, but Cadan extracts himself from her grip and is by my side almost instantly.

  His expression is full of concern as he leans down and whispers, “Nothing she says can change the truth in your heart. Ignore her.”

  “What if I can’t?” I ask, shaking from sheer frustration.

  “Then I’ll take you home right now.”

  He seems so sincere I almost take him up on it. But then I’d be stuck with him for two hours in the car. Not to mention if he drove me back, one of our cars would be left here. “No,” I say. “Let’s just get this over with.”

  “Lucy, Cadan,” Mom calls from her tract home. “Get in here. You’re letting all the heat out of the house.”

  I let Cadan take my hand as we head inside. My chest constricts the way it always does when I come back to visit. It’s hard to breathe. “Has he started drinking yet?” I whisper to Cadan.

  He nods. “Whiskey and Coke. I think he’s on his second.”

  “Shit.”

  Cadan squeezes my fingers and gives me a sympathetic smile. “I’m here.”

  As much as I don’t want to rely on Cadan for this, I’m relieved he’s here. Once Randy has another couple of drinks, I’ll need a buffer.

  We walk through the formal living room and dining room, stopping when we come to the opening of the family room. The kitchen is to the right, and Mom is busy stirring something on the stove. Randy is sprawled in a lounge chair, wearing sweats and an NFL T-shirt. Classy. I ignore him and place Mom’s gift on the kitchen table. “What can I do to help?” I ask.

  “Get Randy a glass of water and bring him his meds.”

  At least she didn’t call him my father. Cadan, knowing my mother’s kitchen almost as well as I do, pulls out a glass and fills it while I put Randy’s meds on the counter. “How many of each?”

  “Just open the bottles for him. He can do the rest,” she says over her shoulder. Then she stops and turns to glare at me. “Lucile Moore. You didn’t even say hello to him. You march over there right now and wish him a merry Christmas.”

  “He didn’t say anything to me,” I protest. “It’s not like he didn’t see me.”

  “Stop being rude,” she snaps. “I will not have a repeat of what happened last year.”

  My pulse quickens and I open my mouth to let her have it, but Cadan speaks before I can get the words out. “Don’t worry, Mrs. P. Everything’s going to be great.” He takes the pill bottles from me and strides into the family room. His voice carries into the kitchen. “Hey, Randy. Claire asked me to bring these to you.”

  There’s a pause, then Randy says, “So she’s here, then.”

  “Yes. She’s in the kitchen talking to her mom. She’ll be out to say hello soon.”

  “Go!” Mom says in a hushed tone. “Before trouble starts. You know how he is.”

  “Why doesn’t he get up and come in here?” I grab a bottle of lemonade from the fridge and lean against the counter, refusing to play the game. It’s always the same. Tiptoe around Randy and pray you don’t say anything to set him off.

  Mom gives me a withering look. “Why do you have to be so selfish? It’s Christmas. Can’t you at least try?”

  The familiar sense of rejection and abandonment hits me. Only instead of crying like I’ve done in the past, I’m numb, resigned to the realization that she won’t change. No matter what happens, she’ll choose Randy over me every time. Of course she will. He’s her soul mate. That’s always her defense.

  Without a word, I spin on my heel and head to Cadan’s side. It’s unbelievable how grateful I am that he’s here. I slip my arm around his waist, holding on for support. “Merry Christmas, Randy.”

  “Lucy. I was wondering when you’d get around to gracing me with your presence.”

  Cadan wraps his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close. I want to lean into him and pull away at the same time.

  “You know,” Randy continues, “I can’t believe your mother keeps spending my hard-earned money on gifts for you when it’s clear that’s the only thing you show up here for.”

  Cadan’s arm tightens around me, and before I can spar with Randy, Cadan says, “That’s uncalled for, Randy. Lucy doesn’t ask her mother for anything. Can we put past issues aside for today? Claire is going to be awfully disappointed if we have to leave early.”

  Randy plants both feet on the floor and leans forward, glaring at me. “Last I heard, the label was suing you for breach of contract. Don’t you think for a minute I’m going to bail you out again.”

  “Bail me out? Again?” I cry and then huff out a laugh. “Is that what you think you did?”

  “Yes,” Mom says from behind me. “Didn’t you ever think it would be awkward for us to pay for Mack’s funeral? And you’ve shown no gratitude for our help.”

  My mouth drops open. I’m too stunned to speak. Is that what all the hostility is about this time? It’s always something unexpected. My stomach rolls with nausea at her audacity to make me feel bad about how I’d dealt with paying for Dad’s funeral. I’d been waiting on a payment from the label and his insurance money hadn’t kicked in yet.

  My fingers ache from squeezing into fists and a headache starts to form above my left eye. “You didn’t pay for anything. You loaned me the money for all of three weeks. And if it was such a problem, you should’ve said no.”

  “How could I say no?” Mom asks with an incredulous look on her face. “What would people think?”

  “Oh my God! Is that all you care about? What other people think?” I stalk to the kitchen, grab my purse, and head for the front door.

  Mom follows me. “Where are you going?”

  “Home. This holiday is over.”

  “Right,” she says with
a sneer. “Walk out. It’s what you’re good at.”

  I spin, vibrating with the urge to throw something. I take a moment to collect myself and then stare her dead in the eye. “I guess that’s one thing I learned from you.”

  Her mouth drops open in outrage. “Randy is my soul mate. I don’t know why you can’t understand that. I figured since you’ve met Cadan, you might be a little more sympathetic to what I went through.”

  “Right. Because being with your soul mate is more important than anything else, like family or commitments, or self-respect.”

  “Do not speak to your mother that way,” Randy says as he finally joins us in the hall. “You will treat her with respect or you can get out.”

  Mom throws her hands up and tears fill her eyes. “I can’t take this.” Her breathing becomes uneven. “All I wanted was a nice Christmas and for you and Cadan to work things out. That’s why I invited him.”

  I shake my head. “It’s not your place to try to fix my relationship, Mom. You have to let me work this out on my own.”

  Randy lets out a skeptical snort while Mom cries harder.

  “I’m going. Clearly this was a bad idea.”

  She lets out a sob and then disappears down the hall, saying something about how ungrateful and selfish I am.

  I pull the door open and step out onto the porch. Before I leave, I turn back around and shoot daggers at Randy with my eyes. “Treat her with respect, huh? Do you call belittling her in front of her friends respectful? Or what about hitting on my friends when she was at work? Or my personal favorite, spying on me when I was in the shower?”

  “Why, you little liar,” Randy says through clenched teeth.

  “He did what?” Cadan demands and takes a step forward, clearly ready to knock the shit out of him. I grab his arm and pull him back.

  “Stop, Cadan. It’s not worth the shit-storm that’s sure to follow. Let’s go.”

  “Don’t even think about coming back,” Randy yells.

  I say nothing as he slams the door, getting exactly what he wanted—my mom all to himself.

  Chapter Twenty Six

  Lucy

  Cadan walks me to my car and, without saying a word, takes my keys from my hand. And I let him. I’m shaking and too upset to do anything other than climb into the passenger seat and lean back with my eyes closed.

  “Do you want to go somewhere and talk, or would you rather I take you home?” Cadan asks.

  Every fiber in my being is screaming to be back at Dad’s house. “Home.”

  “You sure?”

  I open my eyes and study him. “Yes. Unless you really don’t want to.”

  “Oh, I want to,” he says with a smile. “But I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. I probably won’t be able to get a rental car until Monday. I’ll be stuck in Mendo until then.”

  I wave a hand. “It’s fine. If none of the inns have a room available, you can stay in my guest room.”

  He gives me a skeptical look as if he highly doubts I’m going to let him in the house. Why wouldn’t he? I’d run from him earlier in the week. But he’d just stood up for me and was so much like the Cadan I first fell for that I want him in the car. Want to feel safe and comfortable. I’m still angry about what he’d done. Who wouldn’t be? But maybe we could move past that and find our way back to friends. Especially since I’m going to be forced to record the new album.

  Cadan leaves me to my own thoughts as he navigates through the pouring rain. It really is bad out. Seth had every reason to be concerned. The thought of him reminds me he’s supposed to meet me at the house later. I glance at Cadan. It’s Christmas, and he’s taking care of me. I can’t imagine kicking him out as soon as we get back. I pull out my phone and tap in a message to Seth.

  Have to cancel tonight, but don’t worry. I’m fine. I pause. I don’t want to go into detail about what went down or the fact that I’m with Cadan through a text. It’s too complicated. I’ll call you later tonight.

  I hit Send and tuck the phone back into my purse.

  “Jax?” Cadan asks.

  It would be easier to let him think that, but I shake my head, not willing to lie. I’m not willing to do to him what he’s done to me. “I canceled my plans for later.”

  “The guy from the bar?” His tone is clipped, and his jerky driving makes it obvious he’s having trouble staying calm.

  I close my eyes again and heave a sigh. “Does it matter?”

  No response. Then minutes later he says, “Yes. To me it does.”

  I turn in my seat to look at him. He glances at me with pain in his eyes. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. “Sucks, doesn’t it?”

  His hands tighten around the wheel. “I know I hurt you, Luce. And I also know it’s going to take a lot to earn your trust back, if that’s even possible. But dammit, I’m going to. That’s a promise you can count on.”

  All of the swagger and cockiness he’d adopted in the last two years is gone. This Cadan, the one driving me home in the pouring-down rain, the one who’d stood up to my mother and Randy, is the one I fell for. The one I’d loved beyond what our combined voices could achieve. It’s comforting and terrifying at the same time. I don’t trust him, but my heart wants to.

  As we make the turn onto Highway 128, Cadan turns the radio on and switches the satellite radio to one of the pop-rock stations. “Rebel Beat” by the Goo Goo Dolls fills the car. The catchy tune pulls me out of my funk, and I start to sing along. Smiling, Cadan joins in.

  The tension from the day evaporates with our connection, and I feel almost weightless with joy. I know it’s only temporary, but that doesn’t stop me from embracing all the magic sparking between us. Our voices meld perfectly, and I long for the days we’d hole up over a weekend to write and sing just for ourselves.

  When the song ends, “In Repair” by John Mayer comes on. This time Cadan lets me take the lead and only contributes to the chorus. It’s sad and hopeful at the same time, not unlike this moment we seem to be sharing.

  “That was beautiful,” he says when the notes fade away.

  “All of his songs are.”

  “No, I meant the way you sang it.” His eyes soften with tenderness. “It’s good to be here with you like this… though not the best circumstances with your mom, I admit.”

  I wave a hand, indicating the drama doesn’t matter. It should. And the fact he’d manipulated his way into a Christmas invitation is annoying as hell, but if he hadn’t been there, it would have been infinitely worse. “Just promise you won’t try to get to me through my mother again. Please.”

  “If you promise to not completely shut me out again.”

  I give him my you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me look.

  “I know. I deserved it.” His eyes are locked on the road, and he sounds more serious than I think I’ve ever heard him. Sincerity practically streams off him. “It won’t happen again. I swear my life on it, Lucy.”

  “What exactly is it that won’t happen again, Cadan?” I ask, my voice barely audible over the music.

  “All of it. I won’t ever step out on you again. I got caught up in the lifestyle and lost my sense of self. I lost respect for everyone, including myself. I won’t make any decisions about our careers without discussing it with you first. Honest, Luce. I really thought I was doing what was best for you. I didn’t mean for things to go down the way they did.”

  They are the words I’d longed to hear six months ago. A year ago even. Now they aren’t enough. I take my time to collect my thoughts. Seth’s image flashes in my mind. Sure, he’s a self-proclaimed womanizer, though his actions portray something else. Yes, I’d run into the one-night-stand chick at the bar, and everyone—Jax, Mike, and even Seth himself—had warned me to not get involved with him. None of that scared me though because of his honesty. Seth clearly cared about other people. His relationship with Jax was evidence enough.

  Cadan, on the other hand, has gone around me and behind my back on several occasions. He was still do
ing it by conspiring with my mother. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I can’t trust you.”

  He lets out a long breath. “Okay, I deserve that, too. But will you give me a chance to prove myself to you?”

  I honestly don’t know what to say. I’m going to have to record the new songs any day now. The choice is already out of my hands. I won’t risk Dad’s house or the loss of my creative work over something Cadan did to me. I’ll record them and tour for as long as the label requires. It sure would be a lot easier if Cadan and I could get along, maybe even be friends again. I’m not sure I can survive another romantic relationship with him. At the same time, I’m not sure I can resist one either. Not if I’m with him day in and day out.

  Even now in the shadows of the car, his tall rocker body catches my eye, and I have trouble focusing on why I need to keep my distance. I know what’s under his designer jeans and long-sleeved Henley shirt. Slim from his vegetarian diet and toned from months of a diligent workout, he’s damned sexy.

  “Lucy?”

  “Huh?” I snap out of my daze.

  “What do you say?”

  He’s holding his breath, more nervous now than I’ve ever seen him.

  I swallow the lump clogged in my throat. “I’ll try.”

  His breath comes out in a soft whoosh. “Really?”

  “Yeah. No promises though.”

  He grins in obvious relief. “I’ll take it.”

  Not wanting to talk anymore, I reach over and turn the radio up again. The familiar music washes over me and embraces me like an old friend. It’s the perfect end to our conversation. The first song we ever recorded together.

  As we’d done literally thousands of times before, we both hum the intro and then start to sing.

  The world outside is an illusion

  One of straight confusion

  You’re content to live there

  But your heart won’t accept that forever

  No, no, no

  Your heart won’t accept that forever

  Our voices build, getting stronger with each note. And as Cadan’s voice winds through me, melding with everything I am, I don’t even try to fight it this time. Instead, I embrace it, letting the magic of our harmony rinse away all the bitterness of the day.