eyond Desire Collection

by JS Scott, M Malone, Marie Hall, et al

  I grunt. “When I’ve got a couple of beers in me I think I can. Got smashed one night in Kabul. Boys and I had a rare night off from recon. I’m not really sure what I was singing, all I remember was there was karaoke, too many beers, and I vaguely recall a lot of boos.”

  Her teeth are even and white as she laughs. “I would give anything to have seen that.”

  I raise my brows. No, she really wouldn’t have. It was awful and I knew it.

  After a pause she asks me, “Did you see war?”

  Did I see war? What a loaded question. I still see war. Still see the mangled bodies after an IED explosion. The blood dripping everywhere, guts strewn thirty feet across the hot, packed desert sand. The smell of fuel burning up what few supplies were left in a village that’d aided the Americans.

  Clenching my jaw, I close my eyes. “Yes.”

  “Was it terrible?”

  I want to drown in the depths of her mossy green eyes, crawl into her light, lose myself in the clean beauty of her soul and not have to remember the hell I’d seen. The things I’d done.

  “There was this kid. Seven. Maybe eight.” I shrug. “Missing his front teeth, scratches all over his face, his hair was full of red dirt and his cheeks all smudged like he hadn’t bathed in weeks.”

  Her gaze searches mine, as if she’s trying to see what I had.

  “He came up to us. He was dressed…” His clothes had been in tatters, shredded and two sizes too big for him. I close my eyes, swallow hard, and continue. “He looked homeless. No shoes on his feet. I felt bad for the kid, you know.”

  “What happened?”

  Something that shouldn’t have. It’d been hot outside. Worse than any day since I’d gotten there, well over a hundred and twenty. So hot I’d seen mirages dancing everywhere, placid pools of water that’d turned into mounds and mounds of sand when I’d walk up to them.

  All the kid had wanted was food, maybe some water.

  My canteen had been half full and something about the kid made me think of myself. Struggling to survive, fighting to be recognized, noticed…

  The guys with me had told me sometimes the insurgents laid traps. But it was just us and the kid for miles. I should have known better.

  Kids out there killed too.

  But it’d been my first deployment and I’d been green.

  I’d gone to him, unhooking my canteen, ready to hand it over, when a shrub moved.

  I should have known.

  The shrub was the trap. Men dressed in camouflage stood up, heavy artillery aimed at my convoy. I hadn’t noticed the kid pull out the rifle from behind the tatters of his robes.

  My buddy had saved my ass with a plug in his head.

  After that everything rushed by in a blur.

  I’d shot and killed one. They’d killed three of ours. Thankfully, we’d been able to take out the one holding the rocket launcher.

  After the dust had cleared I realized I might have killed one, but I had the blood of four on my hands.

  “He died.”

  A tiny tremble runs through her chin.

  “Did you do it?”

  “No, but I might as well have.”

  After that there’s no more talking and at some point I know I’ve fallen asleep. When I wake up, she’s crawled down beside me, spooning her body as close to mine as possible.

  Something warm flutters in the center of my chest.

  And it scares the living hell out of me.

  Chapter Twelve

  Liliana

  There’s something hard beneath me and my neck is throbbing.

  “Good morning.” His silky voice rumbles straight through my chest.

  Somehow I ended up draped across him. My thigh is wrapped around his, and my face is pressed into the crook of his neck. He must have unwrapped me from the blanket and spread it across the both of us.

  Grimacing, I push up, wiping the back of my hand against my mouth. Mortified to feel how wet my skin is. I really hope it’s just sweat and not drool.

  “What time is it?” I croak.

  He looks at his wrist that has no watch. “No clue.” He grins. “But judging from the sun, late afternoon maybe.”

  “Oh.” I grab my head, rolling my neck to work out the kinks. “I’ve got to get home. My mother’s probably worried. And Javi,” I mutter, feeling like the world’s worst mom.

  How could I have just forgotten him that way?

  Grumbling, I look around for my shoes.

  “Lili.” He grabs my hand and I can’t stop the thrill that rushes through me at the sound of my name on his lips. “I had Alex call about an hour ago.”

  “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

  It wasn’t his fault I’d acted like a complete idiot, but I never drop the ball. Never, and I can’t believe I’d done it now.

  “She told him to let you sleep, that you hadn’t gotten much in days.” His voice is soft, understanding, and my shoulders slump.

  “Of course she would.”

  Scooting up on the couch, he stretches legs that snap and pop. I couldn’t feel more horrible—he must be sore from holding me so long. What was I thinking?

  Heat floods the tips of my ears.

  “She worries about you. It’s nice actually.”

  I huff.

  “Hey, it’s okay. Really. Even supermoms deserve breaks every once in a while.”

  “Supermom? Hardly.” I look around for my shoes, finally spotting them by the door. “Ditching my son to dance the night away and sleep on top of you is hardly supermom material.”

  His big arms wrap around my waist as I bend to retrieve my heels. Squealing, I slap his forearms.

  “Ryan, put me down. I’m heavy.”

  Dropping a kiss on my cheek, he steps back. “Heavy, no. But I do have morning breath and I don’t exactly want that to be the last memory you have of me for a while. Give me a sec to clean up and then I’ll take you back. Okay?”

  I watch him walk off, his bare back flexing with each step. He is gorgeous, every plane, every dip perfectly sculpted. He has a fighter’s body and my fingers itch to trace each and every line of it.

  My legs tingle and my breasts grow heavy and I groan. Why is it every time I look at him, he starts to look better and better?

  Blowing out the sexual frustration, I plop onto the black recliner and slip my shoes on.

  “So you took the whole ‘mi casa es su casa’ kinda seriously, huh?” Alex drops onto the couch.

  I’m happy to see the fro gone, though he’s still wearing the bell-bottoms and, just like his cousin, no shirt. He has washboard abs, but the appeal is definitely not the same.

  “Shut up. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

  Slapping the cushion between his legs, he looks over his shoulder toward the sound of rushing water in the bathroom. “I haven’t seen him smile so much in years.”

  Crossing my legs, a trickle of warmth flows liquid and cool through my pulse, filling my ears with thunder and my stomach with feathery flutters.

  “I’m not really sure what we’re doing, Alex.”

  “Do you like him?”

  Yes. A lot. I think about him all the time. I shrug, those thoughts are my own. “I think so.”

  He smiles. “I’ve got a good feeling about you, Lili Bean. I always have. Just whatever you do… don’t hurt him.”

  With those words ringing heavy in my ears, Ryan comes through the door. He has on a shirt, and I’m not gonna pretend… I miss the abs.

  “What kind of lies are you telling her about me?” He eyes Alex, then looks back at me. “Don’t believe any of it.”

  Standing, I hold out my hand for his. “Don’t worry, I never do.”

  “Hey, you wound me.” Alex grabs his chest and tosses a pillow at Ryan, but he manages to close the door before it actually hits him.

  “When can I see you again?” he asks, and I turn my face. I still haven’t brushed my teeth.

  I feel disgusting and gross. I need a shower, a brush,
and some food.

  “How about tonight?”

  Walking to the car door, he unlocks it. Getting inside, I cover my mouth with the back of my hand. “Can’t. Have to work.”

  “Pink Lady?”

  I nod.

  His smile grows wide. “Maybe I’ll pop by later with Alex.”

  Butterflies kiss the inside of my belly. “I’d like that. What are you doing tomorrow night? I’ve got the night off.”

  Turning down the road, he heads the few blocks toward my house. “Training. Hey, maybe you might want to come check it out?”

  “See you fight?”

  “Yeah?”

  I don’t know a lot about MMA, though I’ll definitely start to look up fights. But I do know one thing, and that’s that there aren’t many clothes on while they do it. Just a baggy pair of shorts. I eye his lap and can’t stop the smirk from twisting my lips.

  “What are you looking at?” He flashes that dimple that makes my toes curl.

  As he turns onto my street, I wet my lips. “Trying to imagine you in just a pair of shorts.”

  “Vixen.” His eyes twinkle. “So is that a yes?”

  After he parks, I grab the door handle. “Pick me up.” Then, blowing him an air kiss, I run out and up the steps, flinging my door open and never pausing to look back.

  I know my cheeks are flushed and my knees are as soft as hot butter. Clutching my fist to my beating chest, I watch him drive off.

  “You look very happy, mija.”

  Twirling, I slam myself into Mama, kissing her soft brow. “I am.”

  “Ryan?”

  Nibbling on a corner of my lip, I nod.

  She pats my cheek. “Good.”

  ***

  Ryan

  I watch her as she moves between customers. She smiles and chats, but her eyes rarely stray from mine. As if she needs reassurance that I’m really here.

  I can’t believe this is happening. A part of me keeps expecting to wake up any moment and realize it’s all been a glorious, fucked-up dream.

  The lights are low and red, the music is chaotically soulful, and behind me a woman is dancing with nothing on but a pair of tights, pasties, and a feather boa. But that show can’t compare to the one in front of me.

  Lili’s dressed in tight, tight jeans that hug her lean curves fiercely. She’s wearing a shirt with the name Pink Lady etched on the front. The sleeves are rolled up, exposing a lean expanse of feminine muscle, and a knot’s tied in the back, turning it into a belly shirt.

  Her hair is up in a ponytail and there are sparkles in it. Every once in a while, I’ll catch a glint of them in the light. She even put on makeup tonight.

  Lili without face paint, gorgeous, but with it… she’s a walking wet dream.

  I smile as she heads toward my end of the bar.

  “You’re not watching the show.”

  Sweat drips into the hollow of her neck, and her flowery scent makes me dizzy.

  “Yes, I am.”

  She bites her lips and shifts on the balls of her feet. “Alex is dancing. You should too, it’s probably boring to just sit and watch me.”

  “Nah.” I lean back. “I’ve got all the food groups in front of me. Nuts, soda, and…” I stare at the plate of stuff she’d set on the bar, not really sure what it is as I haven’t touched it yet. “…a plate of fungus.”

  Slapping my chest, she giggles. “Those are stuffed mushrooms, and they’re really good. I love them.”

  “Ah. Okay.” I swipe one up and pop it into my mouth, chewing and making the obligatory mmm mmm noises.

  “Good?”

  I swallow. “Not as good as the hot woman in front of me.”

  “Damn, that’s thick. And desperate. Definitely desperate.” Alex’s heavy arm drapes across my shoulders.

  Growling, I shove him off. He laughs and taps the bar. “Another Long Island, Lili Bean, and make it snappy.”

  “Jeez, I’ve never been that impatient with you. Hold your horses, Haus.” Winking at me, she walks back to the bar.

  I hadn’t known whether I really should have come tonight. After I’d driven off, I realized I’d invited myself, but last night hadn’t been enough. The second she left I wanted to see her again. It is a fucking sickness. What if she doesn’t feel the same way?

  “Here.” I push the plate at Alex. The human garbage disposal will eat anything.

  “What’s that?” He picks at the brown lumps.

  “Stuffed mushrooms.”

  Shrugging, he pops two in his mouth.

  A pretty redhead with huge tits walks up to him, wrapping her hands over his eyes. He always knows how to pick them.

  Easy on the eyes and easy, period.

  He nips her fingers.

  “I’m bored.” She pouts and then glances at me, eyeballing me up and down before zooming in to my lap and eyeing my crotch. “Who’s your friend?”

  Lip curling with disgust, I turn in my seat. “Not interested.”

  Jaw dropping, she snaps her fists onto her hips. “Asshole.”

  Alex frowns. “Go back to the dance floor and wait for me like a good little girl, Sherry Bear.”

  Tweaking the tip of his nose, she shoots me another dirty look and then flounces off.

  “You really gonna tap that, man?”

  Alex shrugs. “I don’t know, thinking about it. She asked.”

  That kind of stuff, it had never really appealed to me before. I’d slept around, but it always left me empty and now I know why. The meaningless fucks I’d always thought I wanted had been a lie I’d told myself.

  Lili’s ruining me.

  Alex claps my shoulder. “Let me know when you’re ready to leave, okay?”

  Liliana returns then and, leaning over the counter, she nuzzles my cheek. My heart speeds up.

  Smirking, Alex saunters back into the crowd.

  “What was that girl saying to you?”

  “What?” I turn my face so our lips are nothing more than a feather’s wisp apart, and her sweet strawberry breath moves across me as I inhale. “You jealous?”

  Grabbing the corners of my face, she presses her lips to mine. It’s a short kiss, but hot. Her tongue slips against mine and I purr in the back of my throat.

  When she pulls back I’m panting.

  Smug, she cocks her hip. “No. I’m not.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Liliana

  The next day at four, my doorbell rings. I’m sitting on the carpet, reading a comic to Javi when Ade answers it.

  My heart clogs my throat when I hear his voice.

  Grin fracturing my face, I turn and shoot to my feet. “You’re early.”

  Dressed in black workout shorts and shirt, Ryan shrugs. His hair is damp and hanging around his face. He looks sweaty and yummy and my stomach bottoms out.

  “Never really been good with time.” His whiskey drawl plucks at my heartstrings. Taking in my appearance, he rocks back on his heels. “Love the look.”

  I wag my finger at him. “I wasn’t expecting you until later, jerk.”

  I’m still wearing my sleep clothes, and not my sexy ones either. Gray sweatpants that read Juicy on my butt and a white tank top with tiny pink hearts all over it. I’m also wearing my glasses, something I rarely do, but I don’t always like putting on contacts. My hair isn’t much better. I haven’t brushed it out today, just gathered in into a messy bun. I look awful.

  “Now you get to see me ugly, not fair.”

  “I think you look adorable.”

  Glancing down at the carpet, I don’t hear my mother motor into the room.

  “Ryan, hello. Good to see you again.”

  She will never admit it, but I know she had a bad night last night. I’d lain in my bed for hours hearing her whimpers. Mama’s a proud Panamanian woman, very old-world. She grew up country poor. Eventually my grandmother, Nana, married an American G.I. and they all came over to the States. Mama has seen a lot of hardship in her life, but her brave smile always makes m
e feel like anything’s possible. Even now as the disease ravages her body and leaves her skin ashen, I still hold out hope because she’s still around, still loving me, still here.

  Her fingers tremble as she holds her hand out to him.

  Dropping to a knee in front of her, he takes and kisses it. “Thanks, Ms. Delgado.”

  “Oh,” she squeals, waggling her brows at me. Dark circles rim her eyes. “Call me Mama, okay?”

  Turning on his heel, he looks at me and I can’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling. My heart’s so full I think it’ll burst. Never in my life could I have expected the night I saved him that I’d be here now, watching as he makes my mother smile a real smile, laugh a real laugh, and glow like she hasn’t glowed in years.

  Something suspiciously like tears clogs my throat and I have to clear it loudly.

  “Okay, Mama,” he finally says.

  “Now,” she says, nodding, “you taking my girl out?”

  “Actually, I have two hours before practice. I just came by to hang out, if that’s okay.”

  Overwhelmed, I twirl on my heel and run to my room. I know I must look crazy to them, but it’s either that or start crying like a baby.

  Trembling, I lean against the door and count slowly to ten.

  I like Ryan. A lot.

  In fact, I’m terrified I might already be falling in love with him. But isn’t this too soon? How do you actually know it’s love? After the first date? First kiss? First time making love?

  My stomach tickles and I slide down the door, hanging my head between my knees. This isn’t how I’d planned my life. After Javi, I fought to make everything structured. Finish school, graduate with honors. Win a scholarship, go to college. Now I’m getting ready to enter my senior year. Love isn’t part of this plan.

  Not yet, anyway. Love comes later. After college, after I find a job and buy a house to move Mama into, a big one with handicap accessibility. Then maybe, when life slows down, when I’m settled and right, then I’ll look for love.

  A knock rattles my door. “Lili?”

  It’s Ryan.

  Sniffling, I crawl to my bed and pulling myself up, sit on the edge of it. “I’ve got to take a shower. Get dressed. You surprised me.”

  A long pause. “Should I go?”

  My heart clenches and I know I can’t continue talking through the door. Getting up, I walk to the door and open it. Startled, his eyes widen and then he claps his hands on the frame.