eyond Desire Collection

by JS Scott, M Malone, Marie Hall, et al

  I laugh and give in to the very uncharacteristic urge to kiss the top of her head before turning back the way we’d come. I slip through the window, grab the beers from the counter, and am somehow relieved to find her right where I left her when I get back. I sink down to sit next to her, and hand her a beer.

  “There,” I say. “Now we’re set.”

  We eat in silence for a moment, looking out over our town. Most of the houses are still lit up and, in the distance, the small downtown is awash in light. “It’s gorgeous,” she says.

  The moonlight is shining down on us, reflecting off her red hair and casting a pearly sheen on her white skin. The girl has no idea what beauty really is—because she can’t see herself in this moment.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

  She turns toward me, confused.

  “About before. My mom…she’s…I’m sorry.”

  She watches me for another moment before turning back to the view. She clears her throat and then says, very softly, “My mother isn’t well. She…she’s not okay. Emotionally. There are…different phases. Right now, she sleeps a lot. But there have been times…” She shakes her head. “I know what it feels like when the person who’s supposed to love you best lashes out at you. You don’t need to apologize.” She meets my gaze again, but now her eyes are hard. “Not to anyone, Taylor, but certainly not to me.”

  My breath leaves me in a rush. I know it’s stupid, to think that this skinny, pale little girl could somehow save me. But that’s how it feels in that moment. Like she’s lifting my horrible, huge burden onto her own narrow shoulders. Like she’s freeing me.

  “My brother died,” I say. “Jim. When he was eighteen.”

  She doesn’t say anything, just watches me with those clear blue eyes, letting me know it’s okay to go on, that she’ll listen.

  “I was only seventeen. He…had cancer. Leukemia. It had been in remission, but when it came back…it didn’t take long. Looking back, it feels like he was here one day, normal and full of life. Then he was just…gone.”

  “That really, really sucks.” She reaches over to me, runs her fingertips gently down my arm. “I’m sorry, Taylor.”

  I shake my head. “Yeah, well, my mom took it hard, obviously. And it seems to be getting worse, not better, the more time passes. She, uh, she drinks a lot now. And she isn’t really nice when she’s drinking.”

  Zoe nods. “My stepdad drinks. He’s worse when she’s worse, like it’s his way of dealing. He’s not very nice when he drinks either.”

  I think of all the times my mom lashed out at me when she was drunk, of the times she’d hit me. Does that happen to Zoe too? The idea fills me with a rage so white hot I have to put my hands under my knees to keep them from shaking. I think she can still tell though, because the movement of her fingertips becomes more firm, more reassuring.

  “She takes it out on me,” I say and I wonder if she can hear the bitterness in my voice. “Blames me for it.”

  “That’s crazy.” She looks confused. “Why on earth would she blame you? He had cancer.”

  Because I couldn’t save him, I think, feeling the familiar pressure fill my chest. “I gave him my bone marrow,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. “It didn’t work.”

  “Oh, Taylor.” Now she sounds sorry for me. She takes my hand between both of hers and squeezes. “That must feel so awful. But you know it’s not your fault, you have to. And she does too, she must.”

  I shake my head, not wanting to give her the rest of the gory details. Because the truth is, my mom has every reason to blame me. I blame myself, every single minute of every single day. If only I had insisted we try the procedure earlier. If only I hadn’t been so stupid, so blind.

  If only I hadn’t been so selfishly, single-mindedly into baseball that Jim had refused to even tell me about the possibility of my being a donor until the season ended. It had been too late, by then. Sure, we tried anyhow. But we all knew it was futile. And my mother never forgave me.

  “Taylor,” Zoe says again. “It’s not your fault.”

  I don’t want to tell her how wrong she is, so I simply nod, and go back to my sandwich.

  She eats one-handed, not letting go of my palm the entire time.

  ***

  “So where’s this sketch book I was promised?”

  Zoe’s sitting on my couch, her feet up under her, looking as relaxed and comfortable as if she owned the place. I could get used to her here, in my space.

  “I was hoping you’d drink enough beer that you’d forget about it.”

  She smirks at me. “Not even close. Come on, you promised. Man up.”

  I shake my head and walk over to the desk to pick up my wire-bound sketch book. “You seriously want to look at this?” I ask, as I cross back to the couch. “It’s mostly just messing around.”

  She holds her hands out. “Gimme.”

  I place the book in her hand and join her on the couch. It’s silly, really, but I hold my breath as she flicks through the first few pages. I feel nervous, like I’m handing in an important exam or something. I want her to like them far more than I would admit.

  “You’re good,” she says softly. “Seriously, Taylor. You’re really good.”

  Pride wells up in my chest. “You think so?” I ask, wanting to hear her say it again.

  “Of course. Like, this one.” She holds up a sketch I’d done of a laundromat.

  Though my parents have a top-of-the-line stacked washer and dryer, I sometimes take my own things out to wash in town. It’s nice to get out of the house, and there are always interesting people to look at in the laundromat. I spent three wash cycles on that sketch, working to get the shading of the floor tiles just right, to somehow express the movement of the washing through the glass window of the machine.

  “It’s so real,” she says. She flicks through some of the sketches for the comic I’m working on, pausing to rub her fingers along my pen strokes.

  Thinking she might find the comic stuff immature, I try to move her along. “I’m really into 3-D stuff right now,” I explain. I take the book from her, feeling the now-familiar flash of warmth from her fingers as mine grazed hers. “Like this, this is a sketch I did for a sidewalk piece.” I stop on the right page, showing her the work up I’d done in preparation for the real piece. Then I flip to the very back, where I’d clipped some Polaroid pictures. “And that’s how it looked on the sidewalk.”

  She gasps and takes the book from me, holding it right up to her eyes. “No shit. You drew that?”

  I nod, pleased by her reaction. “There’s an annual sidewalk art festival over in Clarksville,” I explain. “My buddy Fred and I went down there, and I did that piece. It was wild. You should have seen some of the stuff.”

  The sidewalk art festival focused primarily on optical illusions—the kind of large-scale 3-D pieces that, when viewed at the right angle, make you think you’re looking at something else entirely. Mine was carefully designed and shaded to depict a babbling stream, right there on the city street. Other pieces had emulated mountains, skyscrapers, even a half-block-long cavern. People would stand on the edge as if afraid to fall into the depths, even though they logically knew that it was only chalk and paint. I’d been completely humbled by the other artists I’d met.

  “Are you going again this summer?” she asks. I shrug. Last year I’d only agreed to it because Fred had insisted. He hasn’t brought it up yet this year, and I’ve never been much of a self-starter.

  “Would you come see it if I did?” I ask, surprising myself with the question.

  “Of course.” She looks at me, her eyes shining. It makes my stomach drop, the look on her face. She seems so different than she’d been that first night we’d met. Sweet and open, innocent even. At the party she seemed to be trying so hard to be tough, to fit with Ellie and her blue highlights, swilling vodka right out of the bottle while the tittering girls upstairs stuck to cheap beer and wine coolers. I wonder who else gets to experi
ence her this way, this unguarded version of the badass she wants everyone to see.

  Without thinking much about it, I lean forward to kiss her. I’ve been wanting to do so since I first saw her walking down the street. Hell, I’d been thinking about it ever since I left her in the woods with her friends. The kiss we’d shared that night had been passionate and fiery and sweet and soft all at the same time. It’d made me feel good in ways I can’t even wrap my mind around. I’ve wanted more ever since.

  But she stops me right before my lips touch hers, her voice a whisper against my mouth. “You didn’t call.”

  I pull back a little, confused, so that I can see her face. “Huh?”

  She looks down, her eyelashes fluttering against her cheeks. “After Saturday. In the woods. You didn’t call.”

  Is she blushing? Somehow the idea makes my heart speed up, makes me want to kiss her even more. “I didn’t have your number.”

  Her eyes snap open. “Oh.”

  “Were you waiting for me to call?”

  She’s definitely embarrassed. She starts twisting her nose ring, a tiny silver hoop tonight, looking everywhere but at me. “I mean, I guess, yeah, I thought you might. After we kissed, and it was so—well, I guess that was stupid, I should have realized you don’t have my number.”

  This is adorable. She’s stammering and embarrassed, and I just want to grab her and kiss the hell out of her. Instead, I take her hands in mine. “Zoe, I went down that street tonight looking for you.”

  “You did?”

  I try to hide my smile. “I did. It’s the second night this week I’ve driven around that neighborhood, hoping for a glimpse of you. I even went into that 7-11 where Hunter works. I was going to beg him for your number, but he wasn’t there.”

  She’s really blushing now, but I can also see the hint of a grin tugging at the corners of her mouth.

  “I feel so stupid,” she says, her voice soft. “I’m so not that girl who waits around for a guy to call, obsessing—”

  “You were obsessing?” I inch closer to her, not dropping my gaze.

  “Shut up,” she mutters. “This is not me.”

  “Are you saying that I bring something out in you, Zoe? That you can’t control yourself around me?”

  She laughs and slaps my chest, but I grab her hand and pull her close in one fluid movement. Her breasts are pressed against my chest, and I can hardly believe how good it feels to be this close to her.

  “The kiss was so what?” I ask, my voice lower, huskier than usual.

  “Huh?” She’s breathless, clearly flustered, and her gaze keeps flicking down to my mouth.

  “Before, when you were rambling. You said, ‘after we kissed and it was so…’ What were you going to say? It was so what?”

  Her eyes blaze, all hesitation and embarrassment suddenly absent from her face. “It was so fucking incredible,” she says, her voice low.

  I moan, I can’t help it—she’s so completely sexy—and then we’re kissing, our lips melded together, her hands cradling my face, running through my hair, making me shiver when her nails scrape my scalp.

  “God, Zoe,” I mutter, pulling back just long enough to look at her face. Her eyes are bright, her breathing heavy, and the idea that she wants me as much as I want her makes me absolutely crazy. Her lips aren’t enough, sitting next to her isn’t enough—I want all of her, right then. I wonder if it could ever be enough.

  She captures my mouth again, pushing my back into the couch cushions. Then she’s climbing into my lap, her legs straddling mine, her fingers readjusting their grip in my hair. God.

  I bring my hands down onto the swell of her ass, relishing the sound of her moan in my mouth.

  I’ve been with a lot of girls in my life. Screwing around provides the best kind of distraction I can find. But I have never felt like this. Like someone is completely overwhelming every sense, blanketing me with desire through touch and taste and smell. And it’s so fast—all she has to do is touch her lips to mine, and I’m lost.

  “Shit,” she mutters, pulling back and resting her forehead against mine.

  “What’s wrong?” My voice trembles.

  She shakes her head. “I just…I need a breather.”

  She climbs off my lap, and it’s a physical pain having that half inch between us on the couch. I want to touch her—touch more of her—so bad that I’m not sure I can stand it.

  “That was pretty intense,” I mutter, and let my head fall back against the couch so I’m staring at the ceiling. “God, woman, what are you doing to me?”

  She gives a breathy little laugh. “I could ask you the same question.” She reaches a hand over and gently tugs on a strand of my hair, pulling it loose from the low knot at the back of my neck. “I love your hair,” she murmurs. “I’m not usually into longer hair, but yours…”

  “What about it?”

  She gives a short laugh. “It’s really fucking sexy.”

  “God, Zoe. If you want a breather you’re really going to have to stop swearing like that. It does things to me.”

  “What kind of things?” she asks, her voice low with wicked amusement.

  I glare at her. “I’m serious. I won’t be responsible for my actions.”

  She laughs, the sound shooting straight to my gut. There’s something about the way she laughs at my bullshit, the way she sees through the tats and the hair and the attitude. I’m so used to people regarding me with wary looks, judging me, fearing me. It’s the reaction I want, most of the time. It isn’t like it’s a coincidence that I look like this—my tattoos, my hair, the way I carry myself, it’s all on purpose. Looking intimidating means no one messes with you, no one tries to get too close or butt in where you don’t want them. But with Zoe it’s different. I don’t want her to be afraid of me, and I love the fact that she clearly isn’t.

  “I should probably get going,” she says, looking at the clock over the desk. “I have a pretty early class tomorrow.”

  My disappointment worries me a bit. I like this place a hell of a lot better with her in it. I don’t want to say goodnight. I am, apparently, turning into a character from a chick flick, and I don’t like it much.

  “What are you doing tomorrow?” I ask, determined to at least know when I’ll see her again before I consent to her going.

  She smiles at something. “Ellie was going to take me out.” She looks over at me, her eyes amused. “To help me find a new guy and stop thinking about you.”

  I growl a little at that, and she laughs. “But I’m sure we can rearrange our plans.”

  “My friend Fred just got home from school this week. We talked about hanging out tomorrow. You guys want to come over?”

  She hesitates. “Is this going to be another party like at Preston’s house? ‘Cause I don’t think I can deal with that.”

  I shake my head quickly. “Nah, Fred isn’t a thing like Preston. And it would just be us and Ellie and Hunter. Or whoever you want to ask.”

  “Okay. I’ll see if Ellie is down.”

  I lead her back downstairs and out to my car, hoping her friends will be cool with getting together. I want Fred to meet her, for reasons that aren’t that clear to me. I just know he’ll like her, and I really want her to like him. Fred isn’t like my other friends, if you can even call them that.

  “You want music?” I ask, once we we’re both settled in the car.

  “Sure.”

  I plug my iPod into the dash and scroll until I find a good playlist. When the strains of The New Pornographers come over the speakers I set the iPod in its slot, satisfied.

  “Isn’t this car really old?” she asks.

  “1968 Dodge Challenger,” I say, proud.

  “A 1968 Dodge Challenger has an iPod dock?”

  I laugh. “I installed it. In fact, I restored this baby pretty much from rust all on my own.”

  She shakes her head. “So you’re an amazing artist, and you can pretty much build a whole car. I don’t know, Taylor. I d
oubt I can keep up.”

  “Oh, I beg to differ.” I reach over to take her hand, then rest it against my knee. “I think you can keep up just fine.”

  Chapter Eight

  Zoe

  “I’m really not sure about this,” I say as I watch the houses blur by through the open car window.

  “Shut up,” Ellie says. “Stop being such a wimp. A hot guy invited you and your friends to hang out. What, exactly, is the problem?”

  Maybe that he’s much, much more than a hot guy, I think. “What if it’s like Preston’s?” I ask.

  “He told you it won’t be. Do you have a reason not to trust him?”

  “No,” I mutter, knowing I sound like a child. The truth is, I’m terrified to see Taylor again. I feel like we connected more last night than I have with just about anyone else, ever. Surely this is a situation not to be taken lightly.

  We pull up in front of a modest house in a neighborhood not too far from Ellie’s. I look up at the house and allow myself a brief moment of relief. At least it’s not a mansion. The thought of seeing Taylor inside, though, still scares the crap out of me.

  “Look,” Ellie says, turning off the car and facing me. “What do I always tell you when we go somewhere unfamiliar?”

  “That we can leave anytime I want.”

  She nods. “Exactly. Tonight is no different. I’ll be there with you the whole time. Everett and Hunter, too. If you’re uncomfortable or whatever, we take off. No biggie.”

  I take a deep breath and nod. “Okay.”

  She makes a face at me. “Good. ‘Cause I don’t think I can handle much more of you acting like a moody, teenaged girl.”

  I reach out and tug on a strand of her blue-tipped hair. “Screw you.”

  She laughs her familiar throaty laugh and unbuckles her seat belt. “Right back at you.”

  As we climb out of the car Everett pulls in behind us, Hunter waving from the passenger seat. I do feel better, even if it weren’t for Ellie’s promise that we can leave. These three are pretty much the best friends I have and knowing that they’ll be in there with me calms me immeasurably.