by Ryan Michele
My hands itch to reach over to him, but his body language is closed off and the silence in the cab is deafening. If this is what he needs, though, I’ll give it to him. He answered all my questions, and I’m sure I’ll have tons more after this fully processes. It’s just a lot to compute.
When we pull up to the apartment, Ryker blows out a deep breath. He’s had one cigarette after the other on the way home, and it’s done nothing to calm him.
He lets out a ragged breath. “Come on; let’s get some sleep.” His gruff voice holds so much disappointment. It breaks my heart in two.
When we enter, I see that Emery’s door is closed, telling me she’s home and asleep. Ryker locks the door and moves over to the couch. I grab his hand and pull him to my bedroom, not thinking anything but wanting to soothe his pain.
“Austyn, what are you doing?”
The click of the door shutting echoes through my room. “Get ready for bed. I’m beat.”
“You want me to sleep in here?”
“Yep.” I move to my closet and change into my pajamas.
I hear his boots hit the floor then his jeans. I shouldn’t do this. In my mind, I know it, but in my heart, I want to be his comfort tonight and soothe his pain in the only way I know.
He crawls into bed as I turn out the light then make my way over to the bed, stretching out beside him and resting my head on his shoulder.
He wraps his arm around me. “Damn nice sleepin’ in a bed. Fuckin’ better havin’ you by my side.” He leans over and kisses the top of my head.
I don’t want to think of the ramifications for this. I don’t want to think at all.
“Get some sleep, Ryker. Good night.”
“Night, beautiful.”
My heart flutters as we fall asleep.
I wake with a start, my face plastered against a hard, bare chest. Fear hits me until I lift my head, seeing Ryker. Only then does breathing come.
Nightmares didn’t haunt me last night, which I’m eternally grateful for. They are sporadic, always lingering, and I never know exactly when they are going to hit. Luckily, last night wasn’t one them.
Ryker’s breathing is steady and calm. His heartbeat thumps against my hand. His body is warm and inviting. Everything that I always dreamed of is right here in my bed with me.
Just a second longer, I tell myself. A second to enjoy being in his arms and feeling his comfort. A second to remember what this feels like so I can carry it with me for the rest of my life.
All too soon, reality hits me in the face. I inch out from under Ryker’s arm. He doesn’t so much as move as I exit the bedroom, which is good because he needs rest.
Entering the bathroom, I do my thing, running a brush through my hair. There’s noise coming from the kitchen, and as I make my way in there, I find Emery chopping up vegetables at the counter.
“Hey, sleepy,” she greets.
The clock reads twelve-sixteen. I haven’t slept after noon in a long damn time. “Yeah.”
“Where’s Ryker?”
This is what I should have thought about before my wild idea to let him sleep with me. She’s going to blow this totally out of proportion and probably won’t keep her mouth shut about it.
I snatch a mushroom and toss it in my mouth. “In my room, and I don’t want to hear anything about it.”
“Holy shit! Did you fuck him?” She beams.
She’s heard all about Ryker forever, best friend code and all. She has always pushed for me to make stronger moves and get his attention more. Not sure how I could have done that, besides standing naked in front of him, but whatever. Her reaction doesn’t surprise me.
“Of course not.”
She aims her knife at me as a supposed threat. “What do you mean of course not?”
“No, Emery, I didn’t have sex with him, and I’m not going to. I really don’t want to talk about this.” Not only that, but I won’t tell Ryker’s business of the actual reason he’s there. If he wants Emery to know where we went last night, that’s up to him. I refuse to scatter his business to everyone. I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me, so no way I’d do it to him.
“That’s just stupid. He’s in your bed. You want this. What’s the problem?”
The problem is, I’m damaged, tainted, and I don’t want him to deal with it. “Nothing. It’s just not happening.”
She sets the knife down and brushes her long hair over her shoulder. “You’re kidding me, right? Years, you’ve wanted him, and here he is and you know he wants it. And you’re not going to do anything about it? What is going on, Austyn? You’ve got to talk to me.”
It would feel so good to tell someone about what happened to me, just for the mere fact to get if off my chest and hear her opinion, but I can’t, because it would be out there. It would be real in a way it could never go away.
“It’s …”
Ryker walks into the kitchen with a large stretch, and I clamp my mouth shut. Saved by him, thank you very much.
“Later,” she says pointedly then looks to Ryker. “Making omelets. Want one?”
“Hell yeah!”
He doesn’t appear to have the lasting effects from last night still on him, but I know all too well looks can be deceiving.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask Ryker on the way to the store, which I don’t want to go, but in the words of Ryker ‘I got the short straw.’ Good thing the list isn’t too long. I once gave Emery a list as long as my arm. She was pissed, but I was on the rag and needed chocolate, like every kind they had.
“Nah, nothin’ to say, beautiful. Shit happens in life and we deal. Can’t help those who don’t want it. I just go on with my life, knowin’ that she changes her mind, she’s got my number. She doesn’t, then she doesn’t.”
He’s so damn level-headed about this. I admire it deeply. It says a lot about his character, and everything it says, I like. I like a lot, which is probably a bad thing. Nothing about Ryker is supposed to appeal to me. That door was shut, dammit.
“Okay.”
We get the stuff at the store in a hurry. Ryker doesn’t want to be there any more than I do, so he helps make quick work of it. After unloading and putting away all the groceries, Ryker goes to the bathroom while I go to my bedroom, doing a quick check on my computer and finding nothing.
Coming out into the hallway, a hard chest whose arms come around me tightly runs smack-dab into me. My hands go to his pecs in reaction, palms out. Inhaling, the scent of him and tobacco invade me. Heat thumps through me as my heart picks up speed.
I slowly lift my head. His chin is down, eyes smoldering hot with lust, looking down on me.
The air around us turns static, passing between the two of us. My chest compresses as the world stops and all I can do is take him in. His beautiful face that I’ve loved for so long. The scruff of his beard, the tattoos on his neck, his dark eyes eating me alive. The entire powerful package that is Ryker right here, in this moment. Nothing else matters. Just him and I.
He dips his head down and finds my lips with his.
I’m lost. My chest plastered against his, squishing my breasts in the most delectable way. Our lips entangled. His hand sifting through my hair. His length growing along my thigh. He tastes so good, and as our tongues collide, the passion escalates. It’s like we can’t get enough of each other. We can’t. I can’t.
My brain kicks in, and I yank myself away, shaking my head. “No, we can’t do this.” I try to back away, but he holds me in place.
Heaving in a breath, he counters, “We can absolutely do this, Austyn.”
Pulling out of his hold, the loss of his touch is instant. “You don’t understand. If you understood, you’d know.” Shaking my head, I dart into my room and lock the door.
He pounds on the outside of it, begging me to let him in. I can’t.
Some secrets are meant to be kept.
Some doors are meant to remain closed. Even if they tear you up inside more than you already are.
>
Chapter Thirteen
She’s been in that damn room all day, and every time I ask to come in, she shuts me out. I saw it, though. That spark. She still loves me. Yes, loves me. I’ve known for many years, but it wasn’t the right time. Now is the right time, if she would just let me in. She’s locking herself up inside, and it’s frustrating as hell.
Head in my hands, elbows resting on my knees, I unseeingly look down at the carpet in front of me, trying to figure out what my next step is going to be with her. What’s bothering her is deeper than I thought, and going slow is probably my only saving grace. If I would have rushed it like I wanted and taken what I wanted, she wouldn’t have responded. At least I feel better about that decision. Green was right.
Fuck, though, I need to get in there.
The door to the apartment swings open and Emery steps in. “What’s wrong?”
I lean back into the couch. “Ya know, death, destruction, famine—all of it.” The joke doesn’t come off well, and Emery picks up on it instantly.
She drops her things onto the chair, then sits at the other end of the couch, knee cocked up on it, facing me. “Talk to me.”
I think I’ve done enough talking these past few days with telling Austyn my entire life story. “It’s all good. No worries.”
“Liar. Austyn turned you down, didn’t she?”
Damn woman knows Austyn well.
When I say nothing, she continues. “She’s changed. She doesn’t want me to see it and tries to cover it up, but she can’t, not from me. There’s this darkness, like she’s almost given up on a lot of things in life. I know what JK did to her was terrible, but she has too much spark, and to watch it fizzle and burn out is killing me.”
My chest aches, just as my anger rises.
Emery pats me on the leg. “Know you don’t want my advice, but I’m giving it, anyway. She loves you … has for years. I know you’re giving her time because of what happened, and that’s cool of you and all, but you’re going to need to dig harder. She’s erected walls around her that need to come down. Get the sledgehammer out.”
Her last bit makes me laugh as I lie back on the couch. “Ya know she’s gonna be pissed you talked to me, right?”
She shrugs. “If it pulls her out of whatever the hell this is, I don’t give a shit. It’ll be worth it in the end.”
Emery gets up, and I hear the distinct click of her door.
Fuck this.
At Austyn’s door, I hear her crying, which tears a deep part of me to shreds. Checking the lock, I go to my truck and get my kit. Within seconds, the door swings open.
Austyn pops up from the bed, tearstains all down her cheeks and eyes red rimmed. “What are you doing?”
I kick the door shut and lock it, tossing all my shit down to the floor. Pulling off my shirt and taking off my boots, she watches me the entire time, her breathing hitching from her crying bout.
Her bed creaks as I climb onto it and grab her body, pulling it to mine and pressing her back to my front.
“Ryker, stop!” she protests, but it’s half-heartedly.
I lean into her ear. “Shhh, beautiful. I’ve got you.”
Fresh tears hit her, and her body shakes in my arms.
I fucking hate this shit, but I’m happy I’m here to hold her through it.
It takes a while before her tears dry up and her breathing steadies. I continue to hold her, absorbing it all, taking on her pain and feeling it right along with her. She’s too young and beautiful to be feeling any of this.
Suddenly, she turns in my arms, still in my grasp. “Thank you.”
I lean in and kiss her forehead. “Anytime.” Looking deeply into her eyes, I see her hurt and pain shine through like beacons in the night. Whatever is hurting her is deeper than what happened to her when I found her that day. There’s something else lingering that has gouged at her soul, branding it for life.
There’s a hurt so deep, so life-consuming that my insides feel it, too.
“Talk to me, baby.” I keep my tone calm and soft, not wanting to break this moment, yet wanting so badly for her to confide in me.
She shakes her head as wetness pools inside in her eyes.
“Whatever it is, let me take it on for you.”
Austyn continues to shake her head then burrows into my chest, trying to hide from me. I give her that play because she needs it, and because she’s wrapped in my arms. Her body begins to shake again, and I hold on tightly.
Kissing the top of her head, I tell her, “You’re safe. I got you. No one will touch you again.”
Her breaths hiccup, and then she begins to breathe deeply in and out, her tits pressing against my chest.
“I want it to go away.” It’s so soft I almost don’t hear it. “Just make it go away.”
Rubbing her back, I ask, “What do you want me to make go away?”
Her breath catches. “The dirt.”
“What dirt?”
She clutches my chest. “That covers me.”
I tighten my arms around her as it hits me. She feels dirty from what that asshole did to her. She can’t get it off her. She can’t get clean. That would explain the thirty-minute showers. While I thought she just loved being in the water, Austyn’s been trying to scrape him off her. Fuck.
Not wanting to scare her, I ask, “What do you want me to do?”
After what feels like hours but is probably only minutes, she lifts her head. “You called me beautiful. Did you mean it?”
“Fuck yes.”
She closes her eyes then opens them. “Then make me feel it.”
I cup the side of her face, gently moving my thumb back and forth. If she wants me to show her how beautiful she is, how much I desire her, I have no problems doing so. Keeping myself in check is going to be the most difficult part because taking her the way I want isn’t an option. She’s giving me this, though, and I’ll take it.
I graze my nose along hers, hearing her breaths hitch. Then I touch my lips to hers in a sensual kiss. Austyn gives it back to me, but she’s hesitant and unsure.
Leisurely, I caress her bottom lip with my tongue, and she opens for me. She loosens up and meets me stroke for stroke, digging her nails into my shoulders.
Cupping the back of her neck, I take it deeper, and then it’s as if her brain shuts off. She melts into me, the starchiness in her body completely disappearing as she gives in to it.
She rolls to her back with me hovering over her. I pepper kisses down her neck, moving my hand to the hem of her shirt. As I drag it up, her breathing accelerates, and then it seems as if nerves hit her as she brings her hand to mine, halting my movements.
“Talk to me.”
She exhales, almost like she’s willing herself to go through this.
“Show me.”
She releases my hand.
Looking into her eyes, I feel the go-ahead in them and move my hand up her shirt, feeling her warm skin underneath. Her eyes close, and her hips jolt.
I move the shirt up and up ever so slowly then take it away from her body. She clenches her fists like she wants to wrap her arms around her body and cover herself from me, but she doesn’t. This is my cue.
I begin to explore her body with my lips and mouth. Neck, shoulders, chest, abdomen, arms, and fingers. Her small gasps and groans only make me want to do more, so I do.
Reaching around her back, I unlatch her bra. She gives a slight hesitation as I take it off, but then falls back to the mattress.
Giving her nipples special treatment, I lick, nip, suck, and caress her breasts one at a time until her hips are practically bouncing off the bed.
She threads her fingers through my hair, holding me to her chest and pulling my hair in tune with her thrashings on the bed below me.
“Ryker,” she gasps, saying words for the first time instead of noises. My cock hardens at hearing my name on her lips while she’s like this. It presses painfully against my jeans, but I do my best to ignore it.
I
slowly kiss my way down her abdomen to her belly button then her shorts. I pull them and her underwear off gently, which seems to take longer because of her gorgeous long legs. Grazing my hands up those legs, I stare at the wetness between her thighs.
“Ryker?” The uncertainty in her voice has my gaze popping up to hers.
“You’re the most beautiful thing in the world. Let me love you.”
Austyn’s resolve vanishes, a smile playing on her lips that’s sexy as hell.
I lean down and kiss her inner thigh, already smelling her, which ratchets up my arousal and desire for this woman.
For me, sex has always been about getting off. This, though, this is so much more. I feel like I’m giving her what she needs. The urge to drive my cock into her isn’t as strong as I thought it would be. Just pleasuring her seems to be enough. This has to be a first in my book.
Kissing her, I move to her core, rubbing my nose up her pussy and inhaling her scent, memorizing it. With one large lick, her taste explodes on my tongue. I’m ruined. She is absolutely perfect.
Feasting on her pussy, I can’t get enough of her. The more I lick, the more she intoxicates me.
Her hips seem to rotate on their own as she moves her hands to the sheets, gripping them tightly. She’s on the brink.
Inserting two fingers, I rub her internal walls that are hot as hell. Austyn’s back arches off the bed, a shrill cry coming from her lips as she comes hard. So much so her juices flow out of her body.
Watching her come is now my favorite thing to do. I always knew it would be fantastic, but she went above and beyond my expectations. This is Austyn, though. I should have had no doubts.
She wants me to show her she’s beautiful, fine by me.
Attaching my lips to her again, I build her until she explodes a second time.
On the brink of the third, she looks down at me, eyes wild with post-orgasmic lust. “I don’t think I can take more.”
My lips curve against her. “You sure can, beautiful.” I show her again she can take it.
