by Ryan Michele
My cock throbs mercilessly, straining to get out and sink deeply into her. The pull to do just that is difficult to shake, but remembering that this isn’t about me, that it’s about her and showing her how beautiful she is, I will him down, though he’s close to coming in my jeans. Fuck, I haven’t done that since I was a teenager.
Austyn’s body sags with exhaustion, telling me that she’s done, at least for now. I spread soft kisses up her body then latch on to her lips where there is zero hesitation this time.
She pulls away, her eyes half-mast. “Thank you.”
“Beautiful, any time you want it, you can have it.” I kiss her lips once more then pull her head to my chest.
Her breaths even out, and she falls asleep across me. That has to have been the best non-intercourse encounter I’ve ever had. Hell, it might just be the only one. But fuck me, it was beautiful.
Once I know she’s asleep, I ease out from under her, leave the room, and shower. I lather the soap, grip my cock, and remember her taste. It only takes moments before I’m exploding down the drain. The release is empty like many of the others I’ve had, but I know once I’m inside Austyn, it won’t be. Nothing will ever be the same again.
Drying off, I climb back into bed with Austyn, curl her up against me, and fall asleep.
Movement wakes me. Austyn is trying to slip out from under me. I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her back to the bed.
“Morning, beautiful. Where’re you runnin’ off to?” I kiss her ear.
The tenseness is back in her body, and I hate it.
“To get dressed.” She tugs at my arms, but I pull her back flat on the bed and look down at her. Worry lines appear around her eyes, and a hint of panic is inside them.
I kiss her softly on the lips. “I got you, Austyn. Promise you that.”
She heaves out a breath. “This can’t happen, Ryker. I’m sorry I asked you to do that last night. I shouldn’t have.”
“That was my pleasure, beautiful. And yes, it will happen … repeatedly.” As I move closer, her eyes dilate and her breathing comes quicker, telling me she’s turned on just as much as I am.
Her head falls to my shoulder, and her body relaxes. “I just can’t, Ryker.”
“Tell me why.” I keep my tone calm for her, not wanting to scare her away. It’s like she’s a rabbit. One little noise is going to make her burst out in a run. That isn’t an option.
“You don’t want to be with me.”
Leaning back, I lift her chin with my finger until she makes eye contact with me. “You let me be the judge of that.”
She shakes her head. “You don’t understand.”
“I understand you think you’re dirty. That you don’t deserve to be happy. Beautiful, I’m here to tell you that shit just isn’t true.”
She tries to move away, but I hold her steady. “You don’t get it.”
“I get that I’ll spend the rest of my fuckin’ life showin’ you how beautiful you are every damn day.”
She gasps then begins to thrash in my arms. “Let me go!” she screeches, and I do, only for her to jump out of bed and throw on her T-shirt, covering her sexy body. “This can’t happen, Ryker. It can’t. Not again.”
Austyn storms out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind her. I hear the shower turn on and know it’s going to be thirty minutes before she comes out. Fuck.
My cell rings as I sit on the couch. Austyn still hasn’t come out of her room, and it’s been over three hours. I look at the ID. Cooper Calling.
“Yeah?”
“Clubhouse, now.” He disconnects. Fuck, they must have something.
I move to Austyn’s door and knock. She doesn’t answer. I turn the handle, noting it’s locked.
“Austyn, we’re going to the clubhouse. Need you out here.”
The door swings open moments later, and the shield I’ve come to recognize is over her. Those walls are back up, strong and secure.
Not giving one fuck, I sweep her in my arms and kiss her hard. After last night, she’s not doing this shit. I’ll do whatever I have to do to keep them down.
When she relaxes into my kiss, it’s then I break away. I grab her hand and pull her out of the place. She must be out of it a bit because she doesn’t hesitate.
The clubhouse is hopping with the guys, their ol’ ladies, and a bunch of kids.
I lean into Austyn’s ear. “Be back. Do not fuckin’ leave.”
I swear I can hear her rolling her eyes, although that’s not possible, as I walk away and into the clubhouse church room where the brothers are sitting around the large table.
“You notice Deke’s here. He’s family, and that’s the end of it,” Cruz declares.
This turn of events is a bit shocking, considering prospects normally don’t come into the church room, but whatever Cruz says goes.
I lift my chin to Deke, then focus on Cruz.
“How’s my girl?” Cruz asks from his spot at the head of the table, his sole focus on me.
Leaning back in my chair, I answer, “Not good, brother.”
Silence comes over the room, everyone giving me their attention. Better to get this shit out there now than let it hover.
“Something’s goin’ on with her that’s deeper than what happened with JK. I haven’t figured it out yet, but I see it in her eyes.”
When Deke rubs his hand over his face, my focus goes to him.
“You know somethin’?”
He stares at me, telling me without words that there is, but shakes his head.
“Fuckin’ tell me!” I order, slamming my hand down on the table. “I can’t help her if I don’t know.”
“It’s not mine to tell.”
“We’ll discuss this later,” Cruz demands, looking at both of us. “You two stay, and we’ll deal with this shit. Right now, we have bigger shit that’s going to interest you, Ryker.” This catches my attention.
“I want JK done, and now.”
“Don’t we all,” I grumble. That fucker needs to pay for putting his hands on Austyn. He needs to hurt for touching what’s mine.
Cruz nods at Buzz, who looks at me. “Your girl hacked the computers. She’s got all the information we have on JK, and she made all his money evaporate.” He gives a soft smile, then on a shrug, says, “She did learn from the best.”
My hands go into my hair, giving it a tug as this all computes in my head. All eyes come to me.
“I didn’t know shit about it.” If I would have, I’d have had her ass.
“Why do you think she’d risk getting caught to get this information?” Cruz asks, though he already knows the answer, just like I do.
“She’s going after him. That’s why she didn’t want a bodyguard. She can’t go out and do what she needs to do with me tagging along.” And that’s why she goes to her bedroom early every night. She’s probably on that computer of hers, trying to track him down. Fucking hell.
“She’s tenacious, but I expect nothing less from my girl.” Cruz folds his hands behind his head and leans back. I try to get a read on him, but it’s coming up twisted. Part of him is proud of her. Another part is pissed she hacked into the system. And another is seriously concerned.
“What’s the score?” I ask, waiting for the bomb to drop.
Cruz looks around, then at me. “You’re on her. She doesn’t go anywhere, including sneaking out at night, without you knowing about it. Buzz tapped into her computer, so we know what she’s doing. I get why she needs to do this, but she will have us at her back. This fucker will go down.”
“Right.” It’s my turn to lean back in my chair. She just earned herself every night with me in her bed, on alert. I don’t give a shit what has to be done, no one will touch her again.
“Everyone good with this?” Cruz looks around and gets nods, which surprises the shit out of me. Not even Dagger, who’s known for his smart-ass remarks, has anything to say. “Good. Everyone out but Deke and Ryker.”
“Dad?” Cooper
asks, rising from next to Cruz.
Cruz shakes his head. “Nope. Out.”
Cooper reluctantly goes, the door clicking shut behind him.
Deke sits on the opposite side of the table from me with his arms crossed over his chest, obviously not wanting to tell me what the hell is going on with my girl. Yes, my girl.
“Brother, you need to tell us what the hell is going on,” Cruz says. “This is a club issue now, and we need to know this shit going forward. You don’t want everyone to know, fine; that’s why I had them leave. But us right here, we need to know.”
“Can’t,” he responds without hesitation. “Made a promise before I became part of Ravage. Can’t go back on it.”
“If I knew something about Riley that was tearing her up from the inside out, that was making her feel dirty and unworthy of any kind of affection, wouldn’t you want to know, Deke? Wouldn’t you move hell or high water to get the information?”
His jaw ticks slightly. “Yep.”
I slam my hand on the table. “Then fuckin’ help me!”
“I tell you, she’ll never talk to me again. She’ll wipe me clean from her.”
“And what, her living in pain and cryin’ all the time is better than her bein’ pissed at you? Seriously, man?” Keeping my anger tapped down is becoming harder and harder. The man can fight. I’ve seen him in action, but fuck, I want to punch the living hell out of him.
“No, it’s not, but this shit isn’t easy. I don’t go spreadin’ people’s shit around everywhere.”
“Deke,” Cruz interrupts. “This is important. We need to know what’s eatin’ at my little girl. She’s not right, and if you can help, we need you to.”
“Is this an order?” Deke asks, knowing Cruz can say it and it’ll be.
“Do I need to make it one?” Cruz challenges.
Deke contemplates, looking back and forth between us. Coming to a decision, he says, “Bring her in here.”
I’m taken aback by his statement, and from the look on Cruz’s face, he is too.
“I’m not spillin’ her shit. Bring her in here. She’ll tell ya if she knows I have to talk,” he responds.
“No one comes in here, Deke,” Cruz reminds him. This is church. No one comes in church except patched and prospecting members.
“You want to know, make the exception.” Deke doesn’t back down from the club president. “Wasn’t the man I needed to be for Ravage for a long fuckin’ time. Learned shit, lived shit, and fuckin’ ate shit. This is not my shit to tell. You bring her in, she knows I didn’t break my word, but my hands are tied. She’ll do what needs to be done.”
Cruz looks at me, and I nod. She’ll be pissed, but I’m at the point I don’t give a fuck.
“Deke, go get her.”
He nods once then leaves the room.
I rub my hands over my face. “This is going to go bad.”
“Yep, but we’ll have some answers.”
“Right.” I just hope she’ll get through this.
I want to beat the answers out of Deke to spare Austyn any pain. I also want to shake the man’s hand for being so bold and standing behind my woman when she felt she had nowhere else to turn. He’s an honorable fucking man, even if he pisses me off.
That was my mistake. One that won’t happen again. I’ll always be the person for Austyn to turn to from now, until my very last fucking breath.
Chapter Fourteen
The soda sits in front of me, untouched, not even popping little bubbles anymore, while conversation flows around me. Here, but not. That seems to be my existence now. Here physically, but mentally distant.
Last night was an idiotic thing to do. To ask him to touch me, to make me feel less dirty. Why did I do that?
Sadness and emptiness creeps inside, knowing he did make it go away. While I was there, in the moment, I didn’t feel used, battered, or dirty. He made me feel loved and accepted, like I was beautiful. I let him in and I shouldn’t have. Letting him in will only lead to heartbreak.
I can’t be what he wants me to be. There’s no way. If he ever found out, he wouldn’t want me, anyway. He’d know for sure I was damaged and broken.
“Austyn.” My name being called tears me out of my thoughts.
I turn around to find Deke standing there with a grim expression on his face.
“Come with me.”
Not hesitating, I follow him to the church room.
He looks down at me before opening the door. “You’re stronger than you feel,” he says strangely then opens the door.
My steps falter. This space is off-limits, has been forever.
“Come in, Austyn,” my father calls, and only then do I step into the room.
It has a musty smell to it, like men almost, but there’s something else. Pictures line one of the walls, and part of me itches to go look at them. The large wooden table stretches out the length of the room with chairs all around it.
My father holds out the chair next to him. “Have a seat.”
I nervously make my way to him. As I sit, Ryker stares at me and Deke stares off into space, looking like he’d love to be anywhere but here.
“Deke,” my father says.
By his twisted face, it looks as though Deke’s been thrown under the bus.
“Fuck.” His focus comes to me, but it’s soft and caring. This scares me. This entire thing scares me. My body even trembles.
“What’s going on?” I ask with a tremor in my voice, hating it’s there, but not being able to control it.
Then the world falls out below my feet, and I fall into a dark hole I can’t escape. It’s as if I’m Alice, floating toward another world, one where nothing can hurt me and nothing can touch me. Except, it’s not. This is reality, and it’s horrible.
“They need to know the reason you came to me, Austyn,” Deke says.
Time stops. My stomach hits the floor just as the emptiness and void that’s inside punches me in the gut. I find myself shaking my head repeatedly, not wanting this to be real, hoping the motion will make it all go away.
Deke lowers his voice. “They want me to tell them the why, but it’s yours to tell. I don’t want to be in this spot, Austyn, but if you don’t tell them, they’re going to force their hand so I don’t have a choice.”
I rise from the chair and find my thumb inside my mouth, chewing on the corners of my nail. My feet find themselves moving back and forth behind my father as everything twists and pulls in my head. I can’t tell them. I can’t. Just can’t.
“No.”
“Austyn,” Deke calls out, and I stop. “You either tell them, or I have to. I don’t want to be the one to do it.” His eyes plead with me, telling me he doesn’t want to be the one to spread my stuff. I hate this, but I’ve already asked so much of him. I can’t do this to him too. “You’re stronger than you think, Austyn.”
“Right.” I continue my pacing, needing to think on how to approach this and coming up with the conclusion that there is no other way but to rip off the Band-Aid. Deke’s had enough pain in his life. I can’t add to it, but this pisses me off.
I focus on my father. “Why do you need to know? Why is it your business? If I wanted you to know, I’d tell you. But I haven’t, so doesn’t that tell you that I want to keep this to myself?”
He rises, coming toward me. “It’s eating you up inside. I’ve told you before that I’m concerned. Deke knows something, and we need to know so we can help you. It’s time.”
I huff. “Yeah, it’s time to tell something I don’t want to, and I have to or else Deke will have to violate my trust. This is some fucked-up shit, Dad.”
My back is against the wall. I’m out of options.
One look at Ryker and I want to fall into his arms and make it all disappear, but I can’t do that, either. I’m pretty sure he started this because of how I was last night, which makes a headache rise.
“Fine, but sit down.”
My father raises his brow, but does what I ask. I don�
�t want to look at any of them or see the pity and questions all over their faces. I don’t want any of it, yet they’ve given me no choice. Fuck.
The pictures on the wall stare at me. No one says anything, like I shouldn’t be looking at them or what have you. My entire focus goes to the pictures. “I went to Grayson because I needed somewhere away from here. Emery talked about Deke living up there, and after some research, I knew it was the spot.” I suck in a breath, it doing nothing to fortify my nerves. “I needed to have my pregnancy terminated, and there was a place there. That’s why I went to Deke, and that’s what he hasn’t told anyone.”
A chair scrapes along the floor, but I don’t turn around to look at who it was. It doesn’t matter.
The emptiness in my belly grows, reminding me of the choice I made. The one I have to live with for the rest of my life.
“Baby girl,” my father says from behind me, bringing his arms around me and pulling me to his hard body. “Why didn’t you talk to someone? Your mother? Me? Someone?”
“And say what? I’m knocked up and I’m not keeping it. Would you have driven me to the clinic?”
“Exactly,” my father says, kissing the top of my hair. “You never should’ve gone through that by yourself.”
I exhale loudly. “It’s over with now. It’s something I live with.”
“Can I ask you why you didn’t keep it?” This comes from Ryker.
I close my eyes, dreading his question. “No, you can’t. And Deke doesn’t know, so don’t bother asking him. Nor does he know who the father was, so don’t ask that question, either. You wanted to know my business, now you do.” There is no way in hell they are getting the other part. That isn’t happening. This is all they’re squeezing out of me. “And I’ll remind you, I didn’t share willingly. I’ve given you more than I intended.”
This is agony. The walls are closing in, falling on top of me one by one, smashing me into the ground.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I want to go home.”
“Let’s go,” Ryker says.
I pull away from my father and go over to Deke, who rises. I wrap my arms around his waist, and he reciprocates.
