by Max Frei
“Pigeons,” I said. “Or sparrows?”
“Yes, pigeons. The character notices that their behavior suggests that they have become much more intelligent than they used to be. They have somehow restored the things that they found useful and destroyed the rest. The person watching them thinks that the birds have come to replace people. Then he continues his journey and arrives at an island inhabited by turtles. He can communicate with the turtles by means of something similar to our Silent Speech. The turtles tell him that a long time ago a similar disaster had struck their turtle ancestors, who had been replaced by people. And before turtles there were other ‘Masters of the World’—that is what they called them. They were trees. Let me find the exact name—perhaps it will be of importance to you.” Shurf opened the book, flipped a few pages, and nodded. “Yes, the trees were called sequoias. Before the trees, there were something else—dragons of some sort, I think. This is where I have gotten to so far. A truly strange book. I have never read anything like it in my life.”
“Neither have I. Now show me where to go from here. I still don’t know where you live.”
“You are on the right course. I will tell you when to make a turn. Max, can you fetch more books from your World? I find them much more fascinating than the movies.”
“Okay, just don’t tell Juffin. He’s unbearable when he gets mad,” I said, chuckling. “I’ll try to get more books for you, Shurf. Don’t get your hopes up, though: I never know beforehand what’s going to turn up. What if luck abandons us and I produce an arithmetic textbook for the second grade from the Chink between Worlds? Although, knowing you, you might like it. In other words, I need to keep trying. And I will, as soon as I get some rest after my latest adventure.”
“Thank you, Max. Now you should take a left. My house is on the bank of the Xuron. It is sad that you have never visited me there. I should be honored to extend my invitation to you,” said Shurf.
“All roads lead to the House by the Bridge,” I said, sighing. “That’s the problem.”
Having said goodbye to Shurf, I thought for a bit and decided it wouldn’t be appropriate to barge in on a beautiful girl after my stormy adventures. What I should do, I thought, is go to my house on the Street of Yellow Stones and have a good, honest three-day-long sleep there.
Then I turned the amobiler and drove straight to Tekki’s house on the Street of Forgotten Dreams. I’m an expert at making reasonable decisions—but following them through? No sirree, Bob!
Apparently Tekki had also decided to sleep for three days. In any case, she was sound asleep when I got there. Her face looked so stern that I didn’t dare ruin her plans. I got into bed next to her and conked out.
Sinning Magicians, what was I thinking! Not only had I not taken a bath, I hadn’t even bothered to undress. For which I paid dearly. Not immediately, but some time later.
“I’m trying to find a good reason not to kill you, and I can’t. Look at my bed! It’s full of sand. Were you dumping sacks of it here all night?”
Tekki was pulling at my nose. Perhaps she thought it was a good idea, but it sure hurt like heck.
“You can’t kill me, I’m a king! Without me, everything’s going to fall apart here, and my new harem will sink in a sea of tears. Plus, you’re hurting me.”
“Oh, yeah?” Tekki sounded surprised, as if she had thought she was just tormenting a stone statue.
“Yeah,” I said, releasing my poor nose from her tenacious fingers. “Besides, what kinds of werewolves were you looking for under my blanket? I just fell asleep.”
“Just fell asleep? It’s evening already.”
“It is?” I said. I looked around: the windows were dark; a lantern was glowing in the far corner of the room. It was evening all right.
“I wouldn’t have woken you up, but Sir Juffin sent me a call and demanded that I commit this travesty. He said he was under the impression that you should be in your office at this time of the day.”
“The brute!” I said. “He’s ‘under the impression,’ huh? Wait, has something happened?”
“I don’t think so,” said Tekki, smiling. “He and Sir Kofa want to watch another movie, and someone has to stay in the office. He told me himself, although he didn’t want you to know.”
“Oh, I see,” I said. “A movie is a very good reason—I can’t argue with that.”
Moaning, I went downstairs to take a bath. Better late than never. Five minutes later, I realized I was feeling great, life was great, and Juffin’s office at the House by the Bridge was a great place to spend the night. Better late than never, indeed.
The Armstrong & Ella was empty. Praise be the Magicians, it did happen from time to time: the local drunks, like the ocean waters, are subject to the mysterious forces of ebbs and flows. Today they were on the ebb. I was in luck.
“Now open your mouth and tell me everything,” said Tekki, putting a pitcher of the best kamra in the Universe in front of me. “I have the right to derive some pleasure from our horrible relationship.”
“Yeah, we’ve really been missing out on the pleasure side recently,” I said. “Wait, how about the wonderful show you and Melamori were watching yesterday? The fat men in leotards? You were both glued to the set. That’s my doing, if you remember. Who else could have brought you that horrendous entertainment from the other end of the Universe but me?”
“You’re right. I forgot about that,” said Tekki. “Still, spill it out! I’m sure you’ve got a dozen or two mind-boggling stories under your tongue.”
“Just two. But both are pretty mind-boggling, you’re right. One is about the dastardly Magician Gugimagon and his evildoing in the Corridor between Worlds. The other is about my harem. Which do you want to hear first?”
“The one about the harem, of course. All those silly mystical escapades of yours and Juffin’s pale in comparison with this romantic drama,” said Tekki. “Sir Melifaro, by the way, kept bugging me all day, trying to find out any savory details. I don’t remember what I told him just to get rid of him. So I’m warning you, I’m not going take the blame for it.”
“Neither will I. He’ll have to die of envy,” I said. “Okay, so here’s the harem story.”
And I told her an abridged version of my coronation that culminated in my receiving the most absurd gift of my life. Tekki listened carefully, sometimes nodding in approval but never interrupting me or making a comment. It was a little suspicious. Usually she interrupted me after the second sentence.
“That was a strange story,” she said after I finished, and reached for the cookies that I was having for breakfast.
“It is, isn’t it?” I said. “And very untimely. I feel like I’ve suddenly become the father of a very large family. They are just too young, these so-called wives of mine. I guess they need educating and coaching in manners. For starters, someone has to teach them how to wear the looxi and use tableware, like old Kimpa once taught me. But I don’t even know where to begin. On the other hand, I could forget all about it and leave everything as it is, but that wouldn’t be right, would it? I don’t think their careers as my wives will be very long-lasting. In any case, they deserve better. At the very least, they’ll have to learn how to stand up on their own two feet.”
“Well, I can teach them how to dress and so on. But you’ll have to tell them to obey me. I’m sure they’ll make good students, given their origins. Their legendary mother, that Isnouri—she’s the strangest thing in this whole story, Max. I have heard plenty of stories of the creatures that inhabited the Barren Lands in the old times. You may have ended up with the most wonderful piece of the most remarkable of all the old legends.”
“I’d rather have ended up empty-handed,” I said. “I don’t think I’ll make a good guardian. I never even had enough time for Armstrong and Ella. I only played with them every now and then, and then put the burden of taking care of the kittens onto your shoulders. A regular swine is what I am. And these girls are people—they will probably require quite a
bit more time than the cats.”
“I wouldn’t jump to conclusions, if I were you,” said Tekki, laughing. “Cats, people . . . If only it were that simple. How do you know what they are, those three sisters, and what they need from you?” She stopped laughing and showed me the door. “Okay, go to the House by the Bridge before your furious boss comes here spitting purple flames out of his fire-breathing mouth. Back during the Troubled Times, he was too lazy to kill me, even after the admonitions of that paranoid old Magician Nuflin. If he now learns that you have been delayed because of me, I’m as good as dead.”
“I know. If Juffin can’t watch a movie three nights in a row, we all face some truly dire consequences,” I said. “But it’s completely unfair on his part. I have the right to a personal life.”
“Speaking of your personal life, I think I’m going to go straighten things out with your harem,” said Tekki, “and admire the palace while I’m at it. I’ve always wanted to have a dozen servants, and here’s my chance. Please send them a call and tell them that they should prostrate themselves as soon as they hear my voice and quiver in anticipation of my orders.”
“That’s cute,” I said. “You should be sitting on that throne, not me.”
“Deal,” said Tekki. “The next throne is mine.”
And I left the Armstrong & Ella.
“Ah, finally!” Juffin was about to fling his arms around my neck. “You should have been here three hours ago. What have you been doing all this time?”
“Believe it or not, I was sleeping,” I said.
“With all your wives at once?” That was Melifaro’s voice coming from behind me.
I didn’t flinch at the remark. I sat down in the armchair, yawned, and smiled a languorous smile.
“With my wives, the wives of my ministers, the wives of their servants, and all the other wives I could get my hands on,” I said, winking, and turned to Juffin. “But as soon as I remembered I had a girlfriend, you had to go and spoil everything.”
Juffin was inexorable. “I see. You were counting on two extra Days of Freedom. Sorry, you’re not getting any. If you’ve noticed, last night I was just as busy as some other people, but I came to work right after noon.”
“You are in a different league altogether. I’m still too young and inexperienced.”
I looked over at Melifaro. The poor boy was completely distraught. After Juffin had said he had also been busy last night, Melifaro looked like he might start tearing his hair out.
“Okay, I’m off,” said Juffin. He was already in the doorway. “I’m off to witness something much more entertaining than your interrogation under torture, courtesy of this innocent victim of a monogamous society. Listen carefully: if you dare take me away from the TV tonight, I’m going to turn you into the Pink Panther.”
“Why the Pink Panther?”
“It would be the easy: you’re the spitting image of him already,” said Juffin, and he left Melifaro and me alone.
Melifaro was sizing me up, his eyes burning with curiosity. He wasn’t a man but a living and breathing question mark.
“If you want me to talk, you must feed me first,” I said. “You can imagine my appetite after such a wild night.”
“Yes, I can,” said Melifaro. “But who’s going to stay in the office? Kurush?”
“He’s been up for it all along,” I said, stroking the buriwok. “They only called me down here so I’d know who’s boss. But since I am already here, it makes no sense to leave right away. It would be logical to have the food delivered.”
“Absolutely.” Melifaro was so interested in my “cooperation with the authorities” that he didn’t show off or try to mock my idea of spending the evening in the office. Instead, he immediately sent a call to the Glutton Bunba, and minutes later I was enjoying a hearty breakfast.
“So what’s the life of the master of a harem like?” said Melifaro.
“Mmm, it’s really something, let me tell you,” I said with my mouth full. “The most eventful night of my life. First I slid down Xumgat, then I fell apart in Xumgat, then I stayed in Xumgat, then—”
“Hold on, Max. What are you talking about?”
I decided that a joke that went on too long was a sign of bad taste. “Forget it. I was joking. Look at me: Do you see the ‘master of a harem’?”
“Well, Tekki told me that—”
“But of course she did,” I said. “You know how she usually is. She was joking, too.”
“Darn it,” said Melifaro, shaking his head. “That’s not a good joke. I didn’t believe her at first, but then I thought that with you, one could expect anything.”
“One could, indeed,” I said. “I have nothing against expectations.”
An hour later, I was alone. After the story about my polygamous relationships had turned into a report about the battle with Gugimagon, Melifaro had begun to doze off. I walked him to his amobiler, returned to the office, put my feet up on the messy desk, and realized that my life had returned to normal—although that was a matter of opinion.
The days were flying like butterflies in the wind. Before I knew it, a whole dozen had gone by.
“Max, will it kill you to drop by the Furry House and see the results of my labors?” said Tekki one morning. “Don’t pretend you want to sleep now. You do that at work all night long.”
“You read me like an open book,” I said. “No, I’m not going to sleep now, but that doesn’t mean I won’t find other pleasant things to do.”
Still, two hours later, I had to get up, wash, and get dressed. Even shave. Tekki had taken it into her head that she had to drag me to my royal residence, and she succeeded.
To my surprise, I found the house quite livable—and lived in. Tekki had a talent for turning royal palaces into cozy abodes suitable for ordinary people. My friend Droopy, the huge shaggy dog I hadn’t visited in all this time, rushed out to greet us.
“Oh, shame on me! How could I forget about you, buddy?” I said, hugging the dog, who was overcome with joy. “See? Your master is a swine. Why does he still love me?”
“Because he’s still not very smart, Max,” said Tekki. “He’s a puppy.”
“A puppy!” I almost fainted. “This thing?”
“The sheepdogs from the Barren Lands are the largest dogs in the World. Didn’t you know?”
“I didn’t,” I said, shaking my head. “I’d better not fall out with him.” Although, looking at the dog’s good-natured mug, I couldn’t imagine I could ever fall out with him.
“Good day, Sir Max,” said the cute triplets.
My “wives” had undergone a drastic change in these few days. The elegant looxis that had replaced their short warm jackets suited them perfectly. Only their huge eyes—all three pairs of them—still betrayed a guarded look.
“Very good,” I said. “‘Sir Max’ sounds much better than ‘Lord Fanghaxra.’ Now, if they could just drop the ‘Sir.’”
“They think they should be polite,” said Tekki.
“With me? That’s nonsense,” I said, smiling.
I was a little shy myself, though not as shy as they were. I think Tekki knew that, judging by that playful look she gave me.
“I think you and I should take them for a short walk,” she said.
“As you wish, ma’am,” I said. “Your wish is my command. I’m just a little barbarian king. You are the ultimate truth. Like Sir Lonli-Lokli, but much more beautiful.”
“Now we’re talking,” said Tekki. “Off you go to start up the amobiler.”
After this exchange, the triplets began looking at her as though she were an omnipotent being. I decided to level the final blow. “Everybody talks to me like this here, girls. You’re very unfortunate. You were married off to a king with no authority. Next time, you should be more careful.”
The sisters blinked in surprise, but one of them giggled quietly, covering her mouth with her hand.
“This is Xelvi,” said Tekki. “Xeilax and Kenlex are serious ladies.
”
“Well, somebody has to be. So where do you ladies want me to drop you off?”
“You don’t need to drop them off anywhere. Just show them the Old City. Then we’ll see.”
I seated the doe-eyed girls in my new amobiler and drove around the Right Bank for two hours at the lowest speed I could manage—no more than thirty miles an hour. I reasoned that the girls’ nervous systems were still too weak for faster rides.
Tekki had the natural talent of a first-class guide. The girls listened to her raptly, their mouths agape. I recalled Juffin’s strange lecture about how Tekki was a mirror that reflected her interlocutor and thought it would be interesting to see the four of them alone. That might be a surprising sight. I gave it another thought and decided I had had enough surprises for the time being.
Max, are you busy now? Melifaro’s call was most timely. My new job as a school bus driver was certainly not the job of a lifetime, and I was tired already.
I am. I’m so busy you wouldn’t believe it if I told you. But if you’re hinting at dinner for you and me, then I’m free as a bird.
You’re clairvoyant. Come then. I haven’t decided where to go yet.
How about Moxi’s? I haven’t been there in a while. It’s a quiet place, not too many people.
Oh, the famous Juffin’s Dozen? That’s a great idea. See you there in fifteen minutes.
