by Max Frei
“Okay. The tour is over,” I told Tekki and the girls. “And no whining. That will get you nowhere with me. Tekki, stop trying to tear off my ear—you didn’t let me finish! We’re going somewhere for lunch. Thank you, my dear. So nice of you to let me live.”
Mr. Moxi Faa was inimitable, as usual. He grumbled a hello, his leather looxi squeaking, sized up my female company with a stern look, gave me a reproachful look, and then slammed a heavy menu down on the table. I thought he was fighting the temptation to smack me in the head with it. But that’s Moxi for you.
Soon Melifaro arrived. When he saw the company I was keeping, his jaw fell onto his chest with a loud crack. These are the moments that make life worth living, I thought. All the rest is piffle.
For two minutes, Melifaro was silent. He opened his mouth, thought for a bit, then closed it again. Before this, I wouldn’t have thought it possible. He continued to be silent throughout the entire lunch. He did drop a few words, but compared to his usual garrulous self, he was absolutely mute.
The sisters didn’t say much, either. They were still very shy, but more than that, the lunch was their first test at using tableware. I could only feel for them. Tekki watched over them like a school-teacher. The girls turned red, then grew pale and dropped the pie tongs on the floor—just as I had done not so long ago.
As for the table talk, all credit went to Moxi. He used the opportunity to mumble a long lecture on the unique cultures of the peoples of the World whose cuisines we had just dared to sample. I didn’t remember a single word of it, but Moxi sure did relieve the tension.
At last our social event came to an end.
“No other client has ever brought so many women with him at one time,” said Moxi, handing me the bill. “Congratulations, Sir Max, this is a record. Have a nice day and come again.” He said it as though he was forbidding me ever to cross the threshold of Juffin’s Dozen again. But that was the zest that made Juffin’s fellow countryman the best tavern keeper in Echo. Where else could you get excellent food and a good reprimand thrown into the bargain, and at that price?
Melifaro seemed to have forgotten that he had to go back to work. He sat in the back seat of my amobiler, crowding the triplets, who had grown very quiet. He looked befuddled—a sight to behold.
I drove the sisters back home, and then there were just three of us. Tekki gave Melifaro a searching look and burst into laughter. I couldn’t contain myself, either.
“Yeah, yeah, very funny,” said Melifaro. But it was too late: we couldn’t stop. Then Melifaro said something that almost killed me. “Max, will you get too mad if I lure one of your wives away from you?”
“Which one?” I said and burst out laughing again.
“I . . . don’t know,” he said. “Is there a difference?”
“Of course there is,” said Tekki. “A big difference. First you’ll have to guess which one of them stepped onto your heart.”
“Oh, that’s not a problem,” said Melifaro. “If push comes to shove, I can use some magic here. I hope the boss won’t throw his best employee in Xolomi for such a trivial breach of the law.”
“His what employee?” I said. “I certainly hope he won’t throw you in Xolomi, either. There’s no way I’d let any of my wives have anything to do with a criminal. So watch your step with the law.”
“Are you giving me official permission?” said Melifaro, brightening up.
“As if you need it,” I said. “Do what you want, friend. It’s your life. Issuing permission is not my area of expertise. I’m a simple barbarian king. I don’t decide anything.”
“You’re so modest, Your Majesty,” said Melifaro.
“Yeah, kings have their quirks,” said Tekki.
I listened to them with half an ear. I had been meaning to find out whether I could drive the amobiler with my eyes closed, since this mysterious vehicle, as I had once been told, submitted to the will of the driver. And I decided to try it now. Just like that, out of the blue.
Well, whaddya know? It worked.
Curiouser and curiouser, Alice’s voice echoed in my head. Yup, curiouser and curiouser. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
TWO
ORDINARY MAGICAL THINGS
“JUST WALK BESIDE ME AND DON’T BE AFRAID OF ANYTHING,” I SAID to Droopy.
The enormous shaggy creature was clinging to my leg—well, not exactly my leg. The dog’s size allowed it to stick its moist noise in my armpit while still standing on all fours, yet the monster was trembling with fear. For the first time, I had decided to break the solitary existence of the honorable guard of my royal residence and take him out for a walk around Echo. The hustle and bustle of midday Old City overwhelmed the “puppy.”
“Not exactly what you’re used to seeing in the Barren Lands, huh?” I said. “It’s not that bad, though. You can’t imagine how lucky you are that I’m not walking you down Fifth Avenue in Manhattan.”
Alas, Droopy lacked the necessary information (and imagination, for that matter) to realize just how lucky he was. Still, he somehow managed to make his first firm step out into the heart of the terrifying city.
As soon as Droopy climbed into the amobiler, however, things got better: he sprawled on the soft leather of the back seat, relieved, as though he had returned home after a long absence.
“I see now,” I said. “We like taking a ride, don’t we? Who would’ve thought.”
Naturally, I set off for the House by the Bridge then and there. To show off. I just had to show my wonderful dog to everyone I knew. And where else could I find the maximum concentration of familiar faces at noon if not at the Ministry of Perfect Public Order?
My four-legged friend liked the House by the Bridge at first sight. Apparently, we saw eye-to-eye on certain matters. True, the dog first rushed to the side occupied by the City Police. I ran after him trying to prevent an interdepartmental disaster.
Fortunately, Droopy ran into Lieutenant Apurra Blookey—the best candidate for an introduction to the neighboring organization. By the time I caught up with the dog, the two were already hugging and sniffing each other.
“He didn’t scare you, did he, Apurra?” I said.
“Oh, no, Sir Max. How could this beautiful boy scare anyone! He’s the friendliest thing in the universe!”
“I completely agree with you, but if this behemoth had sprung out from around a corner, it sure would’ve scared the bejeezus out of me. Thank goodness it wasn’t General Boboota, or we’d all need earplugs.”
“Indeed,” said the lieutenant. “But I love dogs. Where did you get this one? I’ve never in my life seen anything like it.”
“That’s because you’re not in the habit of spending your vacation in the Barren Lands,” I said.
“Oh, so he’s from your homeland?”
“Yes. Technically, I’m supposed to have a few hundred of these for protection—I’m not sure from what, though. Fortunately, my subjects had enough brains to bring me just one monster.”
“On the contrary, it’s very unfortunate. Trust me, there are plenty of people in the Capital who would love to have a dog like this at any price.”
“Bah. Can’t believe how stupid I was. I could’ve sold dogs in between my shifts—better yet, during my shifts, because I’m supposed to sit on my throne in between them. Quite an idea!”
“Certainly. It didn’t occur to me that all your time was occupied,” said Apurra.
“If you want me to, I can ask my subjects to bring another one for you. They’d be grateful if I asked them for anything at all. Until now, I’ve only requested one thing: no more gifts. Did you know that those crazy nomads brought me three identical wives?”
“Yes, Lady Kekki Tuotli told me. She and Sir Kofa have taken the girls out to dinner a few times.”
“Right,” I said, smirking. “Sir Kofa loves taking neophytes out. So nice of him to be the girls’ guardian. I can only imagine what they’re going to turn into after a year in his company. Well, I’m happy
that you and Droopy have become friends, but now I’m going to try to drag this creature back to our side.”
“Of course,” said Lieutenant Apurra, nodding. “You know, Sir Max, if your subjects can bring another dog, I’ll be happy to take it into my care.”
“They sure can,” I said. “Remind me about it from time to time, though. My head is full of holes as it is. This will be my first stern command. After all, I’ve got to give them commands every now and then to maintain my reputation as a tyrant.”
I grabbed Droopy by the scruff of his shaggy neck, and we marched to the side of the House by the Bridge occupied by the Secret Investigative Force.
My colleagues had just gathered in the Hall of Common Labor for collective consumption of kamra and cookies. Even Lookfi Pence had come down from the Main Archive for this occasion. The only one missing was Sir Kofa Yox. He must have been out lapping up fresh rumors in the city taverns, as he was supposed to do.
“Gotcha!” I said. “Gobbling down delicacies, thinking you can get away with it, huh? Thought I’d never show up? Well, you thought wrong. Here I am. And I brought a sponger with me.”
“Who would have thought you’d love your job so much?” said Sir Juffin. “If I remember correctly, your shift doesn’t start for another seven or eight hours.”
“You do remember correctly, Juffin, but I thought you’d eat everything up if I didn’t show up sooner.”
“Sinning Magicians, what’s this!” said Melamori, who was already snuggling up to my dog. “I had no idea there were dogs this big!”
“I’m told he’s still a puppy,” I said. “So he’s going to grow even bigger.”
“Oh, he’s so cute!” Melamori was completely enamored. She squeezed and hugged the dog so vigorously it looked like she was playing an accordion. The rest of the gang was slightly less enthusiastic. Juffin and Melifaro had already seen the dog. Lonli-Lokli maintained his trademark imperturbability, and Sir Lookfi didn’t even notice him. He was fumbling with a cookie, probably counting the number of crumbs that comprised it.
“Now you’re not the only one who walks the halls of the Department with a furry creature,” I said and winked at Melamori. “Speaking of furry creatures, where’s yours?”
“He’s sleeping in Melifaro’s office. These gentlemen think that a hoob has no place at their table, you see,” said Melamori.
“You guys don’t seem to be very good at loving nature,” I said, reproaching my colleagues.
“It’s nature that doesn’t seem to love us,” said Melifaro. “That Arvaroxian spider tried to bite me the other day.”
“Liar!” said Melamori. “First, it’s not a spider; it’s a hoob. Second, Leleo doesn’t have any teeth; he has whiskers.”
“He doesn’t? What was he trying to bite me with, then?” said Melifaro.
“I seem to have become a zookeeper at some point without noticing it,” said Juffin with a sigh. “I consider this to be a demotion. What do you think?”
“Well, it depends,” I said, sitting down at the table. “Until now, you were the head of a Refuge for the Mad. The smallest in the entire Unified Kingdom—though maybe the most fun.”
“How nice of you to call things by their names,” said the boss. “All these strange people insist on addressing our organization as the Minor Secret Investigative Force. What nonsense!”
“I have a business proposal for you,” I said, turning to Melamori. “You stroke my dog and I finish your cold cup of kamra. Deal?”
“Hmm. The price seems to be about right,” she said. “I think I’ll accept without haggling.”
About an hour later, Juffin decided it was time for him to get some work done, and my presence was not facilitating favorable working conditions. “I have a special mission for you, Melamori,” he said in a dramatic tone. “The most difficult of all the missions you’ve had so far. I’m not even sure you’ll manage.”
Melamori’s pretty face showed absolute concern and concentration. “Has something happened?” she said in a whisper.
“You bet it has! The Secret Force cannot operate: the building is crawling with foreign monarchs and pets. I want you to kick them out one by one and make sure they don’t land on my poor head for the next two or three hours.”
“Are you telling me that Max and I can go take a walk?” said Melamori. “Just like that, apropos of nothing? Oh, Sir Juffin, you’re wonderful!”
“I know I am,” said the boss.
“She’s going to fail the mission,” said Melifaro. “You should give it to me. I’ll make sure he stays out for half a year, not just two or three hours.”
“No can do,” said Juffin. “You’re too indispensable. Nothing will induce me to part with you before tonight. You still have that boring case at the Customs hanging over you. Sir Shurf, that means you, too.”
“I was just about to ask you how long you were going to ignore that unfortunate incident,” said Lonli-Lokli. He got up from the table and carefully straightened out the folds of his snow-white looxi. “May I count on finding you in the Armstrong & Ella when I am finished, Max, or should I look for you elsewhere?”
“Elsewhere be damned, if you are going to pay me an official visit,” I said. “In any case, I was going to drop by and see Tekki an hour before dusk, or even earlier.”
“Then I will stop by there on my way home,” said Shurf.
“I’ll wait for you here,” said Melifaro. “Recently, our Venerable Head has taken a fancy to the aroma of my toil and sweat, so there’s no chance I can sneak out of here for many long hours.”
“How sagacious of you,” said Juffin. “Sir Max, you’re still here? Scram, or I’ll find a job for you, too!”
“Ooh, now I’m scared,” I said, but made a move to leave, nevertheless.
Droopy was lying in the middle of the room. I grabbed him by his huge ear with one hand, and with the other I grabbed Melamori’s sharp elbow. I was so happy I was ready to dole out hugs and kisses to strangers.
“Whose dog is this?” said Lookfi. “Yours, Sir Max?”
Now he was so interested in the dog that he managed to knock someone’s empty cup off the table. I had already lost all hope that he’d ever notice my pet.
“Mine and no one else’s,” I said.
“It’s been so long since you and I took a walk together,” I said as Melamori and I were getting into the amobiler. “Last time was when we heroically saved poor Moxi from the deadly grip of the greatest poet-cannibal in history—if one can consider that a walk at all.”
“Why not? It was a walk, and the moon was full, if I remember right.”
“You remember right. So, where to? The sky is the limit, right?”
“Let’s go to the former Residence of the Order of the Secret Grass, Max. Remember, they have that beautiful garden, and they also serve excellent drinks. It’s not too cold today. We can sit outside. You liked it there, didn’t you?”
“Yes sirree,” I said.
Then I realized that a thin veil of vague regret had suddenly fallen upon my good mood. It had all happened a long, long time ago, and I had had very specific plans concerning this wonderful lady. Plans that, as it later turned out, had fallen through. Vain efforts. A pie in the sky. We were “just friends.” Oh, well.
“Sorry, Max, this won’t do,” said Melamori, worried. “If you’re going to be all sad about it, who’s going to lift the heavy boulder from my silly heart?”
“Droopy. He’s born to do that sort of work. Also, what makes you think I’m sad?”
“You know, if you want to control your facial expressions half as well as Sir Lonli-Lokli, you have a long way to go,” said Melamori and laughed. “All right, let’s pretend that I was wrong about it. Now let’s go.”
We drove to the New City, found the right street, left the amobiler by the gate, and entered the huge neglected garden. Two years ago, when Melamori had first dragged me into this place, it had been late evening. The garden had been bathed in a bluish light from
tiny glass balls filled with glowing gas. Now it was daytime and the transparent glass of the lamps glimmered in the winter sun. The rest was exactly the same. The air of this magnificent place was again cool and crystal clear. The greenery was as fragrant as I remembered. Ideal conditions for an acute resurgence of a case of unfulfilled longing.
We sat down on a bench nestled between the evergreen Kaxxa bushes. Droopy ran off and returned with a stick in his teeth, which he dropped at my feet. Dogs in all Worlds share the very same notions about how to make their masters happy. But I paid no attention to his efforts.
“Well, lady, you’re doing a number on me,” I said with a sad smile. “Just moments ago I was feeling great, and now I’m again the same guy who sat with you here two years ago. What am I supposed to do with him?”
“Nothing,” said Melamori. “When we leave here, that guy from two years ago will vanish of his own accord. Can you suffer for thirty minutes or so?”
“Sure,” I said. “There’s even something nice about it.”
“There sure is. Could you order me something strong? Getting smashed in this garden in your company once every two years—I’m beginning to come up with my very own tradition that anyone can be proud of, huh?”
“What’s not to be proud of? A person can be proud of anything if he’s determined enough,” I said, my mind wandering elsewhere.
Droopy decided he needed more attention and didn’t hesitate to show it. He put his huge shaggy legs on my shoulders and licked my nose. The next thing I knew, I was lying on my back on the ground, floundering, my feet in the air, like a giant bug trapped by a gang of young nature lovers. Frightened, the author of my shame sat down on his hind legs. Apparently they didn’t give dogs a pat on the back for such behavior in the Barren Lands.
Melamori laughed a tinkling laugh. “You sure can cheer me up when you want to, Max! I should be buying you a drink to reward you for amusing me like that. It was brilliant!”
“I’m taking you up on that,” I said, struggling to get up. “And give me a hand, or I’ll amuse all the waiters here completely free of charge.”
