Amos Gets Married

by Gary Paulsen

  Bertha grinned. She took her finger out of her mouth and pointed at the back of the room. “I choose him—Duncan Culpepper.”

  Dunc’s shoulder’s drooped. He slumped down in his desk. His worst nightmare had come true. It wasn’t so bad that Bertha was almost two feet taller than he was and outweighed him by thirty pounds. That didn’t bother him nearly as much as the fact that Bertha was a mess. She was the most unorganized person Dunc knew—except for Amos, of course.

  Amos listened with his fingers crossed as Mrs. Wormwood continued down the list. About half the boys had been chosen. Amos was still in the clear. Maybe by some miracle he wouldn’t be chosen.

  The teacher finally reached the end of the list of girls. No one had picked him. Mrs. Wormwood started to close her book, when something caught her eye. “Oh dear, it seems I’ve overlooked someone.” She paused. “Melissa Hansen?”

  Melissa slowly stood beside her desk. She looked from Donny Wilson to Jimmy Johnson. She batted her long lashes and smiled at the teacher.

  “I choose … Amos—the Hunk—Binder.”

  Dunc’s mouth fell open. He looked over at Amos. The desk was empty.

  Amos had fallen into the aisle on the floor, out cold.

  Amos was in Dunc’s room looking in the mirror above the dresser. First he studied his left profile and then his right. “I never really thought of myself as a hunk before.”

  “Neither has anyone else in their right mind.” Dunc was at his desk working out a foolproof budget so that every penny would be accounted for in his report to Mrs. Wormwood. “There. I think I have our first month ready. The debit column is zero and all possible expenses have been met. I think we definitely have an A-plus paper here.”

  Amos sprawled across Dunc’s bed. “Don’t you think you better ask your wife what she thinks about it? After all, it’s her grade too.”

  “Ugh!” Dunc shuddered. “Don’t remind me. I’d like to forget all about that part of the assignment.”

  Amos smiled dreamily. “I’m meeting my little cupcake at the mall later. We’re going to go pretend shopping. You should come with us. It would give you an idea of what kind of stuff girls like to spend money on.”

  “I don’t care what kind of stuff girls spend money on. And another thing, Bertha Abercromby is not my wife—will never be my wife—in this or any other lifetime. If this thing were real, I’d already have filed for divorce.”

  “Bertha told Melissa that she really likes you.”

  Dunc made a face. “She doesn’t even turn in her homework.”

  “So?” Amos said. “I lose my homework all the time and you still like me.”

  “That’s different.”

  Amos sat up. “Your problem is, you just don’t understand women.”

  Dunc looked at him. “I think you’re losing it again. Since when have you become an expert on females?”

  Amos shrugged. “I must be doing something right. Melissa picked me, didn’t she?”

  “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.”

  Amos held up his hand. “Don’t try to tell me my mind is playing tricks on me. This time I have witnesses.”

  “No, I know she picked you all right. But the question is—why?”

  Amos threw his chest out. “Because I’m a hunk.”

  “Melissa Hansen never even knew you were alive until today. Don’t you think that’s a little strange?”

  “No. It was bound to happen sooner or later. She finally came to her senses and realized we’re meant for each other.”

  “I have a theory about that. I think that bump on the head you gave her is causing her to act weird. You know, do things she wouldn’t normally do.”

  “Thanks a lot.”

  “I’m serious, Amos. Sometimes people who get hit on the head act strange for a while.”

  “Are you saying that Melissa doesn’t love me—that she’s just lost her marbles?”

  “Something like that.”

  Amos thought about it for a few minutes. “You mean she could come back to her old self at any time?”

  Dunc nodded. “It’s a possibility.”

  Amos hunched forward. “This is terrible. Melissa doesn’t really love me, but she doesn’t know she doesn’t really love me.”

  “Don’t worry, Amos. Sometimes these head injury things last for a long time. Sometimes months or even years.”

  Amos’s face brightened. “Really?”

  “Yeah. I read in that psychology book about this guy who went for seven years before he figured out he was messed up.”

  “What happened to him?”

  “When he finally came to his senses, it was too much for him and he jumped in front of a train.”

  Amos sagged, “Great. Melissa will be madly in love with me until she wakes up, and then she’ll go out and jump off a cliff.”

  “Did you hear that strange announcement yesterday?” Dunc changed gears and coasted his bike down a hill.

  Amos passed him. “Yeah. It came over the intercom during math class. The principal said for everybody to make sure they locked their lockers because some fruitcake is ripping off school supplies. Now, that’s what I call sick. If I was a thief, I could find better stuff to take than school supplies.”

  “I’ve been making a list of possible suspects. It would have to be someone who could move up and down the halls without anyone thinking anything about it. I’ve narrowed it down to school employees.”

  “You mean like the principal or one of the teachers?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Do you have anyone in particular in mind?”

  “Not yet. I was going to work on it today.”

  “I’m glad you decided to come with me to the mall instead.” Amos stood up on the pedals of his bike and powered up a small hill. Dunc had helped him hammer out the dents and although the wheels still squeaked, it seemed to work okay. “Since we don’t know when Melissa may snap out of this head injury thing, it might be good for both of us to be there.”

  Dunc jumped the curb and neatly swerved to avoid the Seaversons’ dalmatian. “I’m only going along for scientific reasons. I want to record Melissa’s actions for future analysis. And don’t forget, you promised to help me with the case later.”

  “Are you sure you’re not going because deep down you really want to go shopping with Bertha Abercromby?”

  Dunc stopped. Dead.

  Amos pedaled on for a few yards before he noticed Dunc wasn’t coming. He stopped to look back. “What’s the matter?”

  “You didn’t tell me Tall Bertha would be there.”

  Amos dug the toe of his tennis shoe into the ground. “I didn’t? I thought for sure I’d mentioned it.”

  Dunc turned his bike around.

  “Where are you going?” Amos asked.

  “Home. You can fill me in on all the strange things Melissa does later.”

  “But Dunc, I promised Melissa we’d be there. She and Bertha are probably waiting on us right now.”

  Dunc pushed off. “ ’Bye.”

  Amos pedaled up beside him. “You have to come with me. This may be the most important day of my life! Besides, you promised you’d come if I helped you find clues later.”

  Dunc pedaled faster.

  Amos was having a hard time keeping up with him. “I hate to bring this up, but—”

  “There’s absolutely nothing you can say that will get me to walk around the mall, in front of people, with Bertha Abercromby.”

  “Grades.”

  “What?”

  “Mrs. Wormwood said in order to get the best grade, we had to go shopping with our partners at least one time. This could be your time. Then it would be over, and you’d never have to see Bertha again. Except at school.”

  Dunc stopped again. His lip curled, and he wrinkled his nose. “I don’t know how teachers get away with some of this stuff. I’m fairly sure it’s unconstitutional. And if it isn’t, it ought to be.”

  “Are you coming?”
/>
  “I guess so. But”—Dunc held up one finger—“I don’t want to stay too long. It might give people the wrong idea.”

  It was late afternoon, and the bike rack at the Pioneer Mall was jammed because the video arcade had just put in a new game, Invasion of the Sewer Dwellers.

  “I see the girls.” Amos waved toward some tables in the Ice Cream Heaven. “Do I look all right?”

  Dunc looked him up and down. “You look the same as always.”

  “Is that good?”

  “In Melissa’s condition, I don’t think it matters.”

  Amos was about to ask what that was supposed to mean when Melissa walked up to them with Bertha trailing close behind. She took Amos’s arm. “Hello, sweety-kins. I thought you’d never get here.”

  Amos turned red from head to toe. He looked over his shoulder and whispered to Dunc, “I hope she never wakes up.”

  Bertha chewed on her bottom lip. “Hello, Duncan.”

  Dunc looked at her shoes. They were untied and she had on two different colors of socks. He cleared his throat. “Uh, we better get on with this shopping stuff. I’ve got important things to do.”

  Melissa led Amos down the mall. “I think we should go to the jewelry store first.” She winked at Amos. “You know, to check out the cost of wedding rings.”

  Amos grinned from ear to ear. “Whatever you say, dear.”

  Dunc followed the three of them around the mall looking at shoes, sweaters, and hair bows until he couldn’t take it anymore. “I think I better call it a day.” He looked at Bertha. “I’ll go home and adjust the budget to reflect some of the things we looked at. We shouldn’t need to get together again. This ought to wrap it up.”

  Melissa looked at Amos with big innocent blue eyes. “You’re not leaving too, are you?”

  “Uh, well …”

  “I was hoping you would show me how to play that new arcade game, and then maybe later you could, you know, walk me home.”

  “Ye-es!”

  Amos followed Dunc to his locker. “It couldn’t have been all that bad.”

  Dunc glared at him and slammed his locker door. “Because of you staying at the mall with Melissa, I was forced to walk Tall Bertha home in front of the entire world, and you don’t think it was all that bad? Herman Snodgrass drew a heart with our names in it on the chalk board in gym class. Now Bertha is giving me the googly eye and calling me at home every five minutes. I have to pay my sister ten cents a call to hang up on her.”

  “It’s mostly your own fault,” Amos said.

  “My fault?”

  “You’re the one who told me this deal with Melissa might not last. I have to take advantage of every minute.”

  “Even if it means embarrassing your best friend?”

  “I said I was sorry. I’ll make it up to you. I’ll even stay after today and help you work on this school thief thing. You name it, I’ll do it.”

  Dunc rubbed his chin. “We-ll …”

  Amos took a step backward. “I’m not sure I like the look in your eye.”

  “It just so happens that I do have something you can help me with. Since the school is short one custodian right now, I made arrangements with the principal for us to help out. She thought it was nice of us to offer.”

  “Us?”

  “It’ll be a great cover.”

  Amos leaned against the wall. “Why do I feel like I’ve been set up?”

  “Come on. I have to get you in position.”

  “For what?”

  “The principal said we could be ten minutes late to our afternoon classes for the rest of this week. But we have to look like we’re cleaning or something.” Dunc led him to the custodians’ closet. “Here, you take this broom. Act like you’re sweeping the main hall. Watch for anything suspicious.”

  “Where are you going to be?”

  “I’ll be back and forth between the other hall and the gym.”

  The bell rang, and Amos started pushing the broom down the hall. “The things I do in the name of friendship.”

  “What was that, sugar-lips?”

  Amos turned and found Melissa. “Oh, it was nothing, lamb chop. Hey, aren’t you going to be late for class?”

  Melissa smiled. “I’m running another errand for the principal. See you after school—snookems.”

  Amos waved and watched her walk down the hall until she disappeared. He pushed the broom around dreamily until Dunc came for him.

  “Did you see anything?” Dunc asked.

  “No. How about you?”

  Dunc shook his head. “Whoever it is, is bound to slip up sooner or later. We’ll catch them. Come on, let’s get this stuff back to the supply closet.”

  Amos stepped inside the closet and reached to hook his broom on one of the clips. He accidentally bumped the shelf above with the broom handle, and a can of cleanser fell off. Amos and the room were covered with blue powder.

  Dunc picked up the can. “Oh well, we’ll have to clean it up later. Right now, we’d better go before we get in trouble.” He climbed the stepladder to put the can back. He stopped and stared. “Amos, you’ve done it again.”

  “I know.” Amos blinked, and some of the powder fell off his lashes onto his nose. “Aaa-choo!”

  “Look at this.” Dunc held up a stack of notebooks, some new pencils, and a book bag.

  “Now, why would the custodian keep a bunch of school supplies up there where you can hardly reach them?” Amos asked.

  “Don’t you get it?” Dunc stepped down. “These are some of the stolen school supplies the principal was talking about. We’ve solved the case on our first try. Ralph the custodian must have done it.”

  “That’s nice. You go turn him in, and I’ll get cleaned up.”

  “We can’t do that.”

  “Look, if I don’t get this stuff off me, I’m going to sneeze my brains out.” He sneezed again.

  “I mean we can’t turn Ralph in just yet.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because he’ll just deny it and say someone else put the stuff here. No, we have to catch him red-handed.”

  “Aaa-choo!” Amos wiped his nose on the dust rag. “You catch him red-handed. I need a shower before I die.”

  Amos backed out the door into a wall. Or what felt like a wall. It was a man with a deep voice.

  “Who do you think you’re going to catch red-handed?”

  “That was some fast talking you did today.” Amos threw a dart at the dart board on Dunc’s wall. “Telling Ralph you were going to use me as a human scrub brush for the boys’ showers was a stroke of genius.” He threw another dart and missed by a good five inches. The dart stuck in the wall.

  Dunc cringed. “Would you mind trying a little harder to hit the board?”

  Dunc had a thing about keeping his room in perfect condition. That included no unnecessary holes in the wall. Unlike Amos, who figured holes were okay as long as you didn’t get in trouble over them. Like the time he tried out his uncle’s flame thrower and burned a hole the size of a truck in his floor. His mom had to call the fire department, and his dad grounded him until he was ninety-nine or dead—whichever came first.

  “Sure.” Amos tried a shot behind his back. The dart stuck in the carpet. “How’d you think of that story, anyway?”

  Dunc shrugged. “You sort of looked the part with that cleanser all over you, and I figured if Ralph thought we were saving him some work, he’d probably let us go.”

  “It worked. So what happens now?”

  “Now we need a foolproof plan to catch Ralph in the act.”

  “And unless I miss my guess, you just happen to have one, right?”

  Dunc nodded.

  “And it involves me doing something totally stupid and making a fool out of myself, as usual, I suppose?”

  “No. This one barely involves you at all.”

  “That’s good, because I promised Melissa we’d go Rollerblading after school tomorrow.”

  “I didn’t know yo
u could Rollerblade.”

  “I can’t. My sister Amy is going to teach me later today.”

  “That was nice of her.”

  “Nice? Amy doesn’t know the meaning of the word. I had to promise her my allowance for six months, wash the dishes on her night, clean her room, and pretty much wait on her hand and foot for the rest of my life.”

  “That seems like a lot. Do you think learning to Rollerblade is worth it?”

  A dreamy look came over Amos. “For Melissa, I’d swim an ocean full of sharks, climb the highest mountain, walk on hot coals, cross a—”

  “I get the picture.” Dunc took a note pad off his desk. “We need to make a list of everything in your locker.”

  Amos blinked. “My locker?”

  “Yeah. We need to make a list so that when Ralph takes something, we’ll know what it was.”

  “Out of all the lockers in school, what makes you think Ralph is going to choose my locker?”

  “Because you’re going to leave it open.”

  “Uh-uh. I never leave my locker open. Not since that time Jimmy Farrell put Mrs. Leach’s ferret in there and it tried to eat the left half of my body.”

  “This time you’re going to leave it open on purpose so Ralph will take some of your stuff and we can catch him in the act.”

  Amos started to throw another dart. He stopped. “Wait a minute—why does it have to be my locker?”

  “I thought about using my locker, but it’s not messy enough. A good thief would figure that I would be able to spot something missing right away. You, on the other hand, might not notice something missing from your locker, well—ever.” Dunc made columns on the note pad. “Okay. Try as hard as you can to remember everything in your locker.”

  Amos thought about it. “My notebook is in there. My gym clothes, math book, a banana peel, pencils, worms, English book, a few old—”

  “Hold it.” Dunc quit writing and studied him. “Worms?”

  Amos looked at the floor.

  Dunc moved closer. “Worms?”

  Amos shifted. “I sort of borrowed the earthworms from the science lab.”

  “Amos, you can’t go around taking things from the science lab. That’s—that’s stealing.”