Amos Gets Married

by Gary Paulsen

  Amos tried the back door. It was locked.

  “Over here.” Dunc motioned for him to move to the kitchen window. “They left it open a crack. I think I can boost you up.”

  Amos studied the window. “I don’t know—it looks pretty small.”

  “It’s the only way in. If we go around front, somebody might spot us.”

  “You always have it covered, don’t you? Okay, give me a boost.”

  Dunc pushed while Amos jumped and grabbed the windowsill. He managed to get his head and shoulders through the tiny window, but the rest of him was stuck.

  “Pull me out. I hear someone coming.”

  Dunc grabbed one leg and pulled. Nothing. He couldn’t budge Amos. “I can’t pull you out. I’m going to try pushing.”

  “Do something quick. Someone’s coming down the stairs.”

  Mr. Hansen, Melissa’s father, had the flu and had stayed home from work to recuperate. He went into the kitchen to get a glass of juice. He was about to open the refrigerator when he noticed Amos’s head sticking through the window.

  Amos tried a halfhearted smile. “Hi, Mr. Hansen. Is Melissa home?”

  “You’re one of Melissa’s friends?”

  Amos nodded. “Yes, sir. I’m the one she’s married to.”

  Mr. Hansen’s eyebrows came together like a black thundercloud. “What?”

  “It’s only pretend. Our social studies teacher gave us the assignment.”

  “Thank goodness. For a minute there you had me worried, son.” Mr. Hansen moved closer to Amos. “Is there some reason why you’re hanging through my kitchen window?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Well, what is it?”

  “Your back door was locked.”

  “I see.” Mr. Hansen took the juice out of the refrigerator, scratched his head, and started back upstairs. “Must be something to do with the generation gap.”

  Dunc put his back against Amos’s feet, braced himself against a brick flower bed, and pushed for all he was worth. Amos shot through the window and landed upside-down against the kitchen wall with his head in the cat litter box.

  Dunc stood on his toes and looked through the window. “Are you all right in there?”

  “I’m all right. But when I get the door open, you may not be.”

  Amos picked some of the cat litter out of his hair and fumbled at the lock. He was still mad when he pulled the door open. “I hope you’re satisfied. Now Mr. Hansen thinks he has a complete geek for a son-in-law.”

  “I’m sorry, Amos. You told me to do something.” Dunc sniffed the air. “What is that smell?” He sniffed closer to Amos. “It’s obviously been a while since the Hansens cleaned their litter box.”

  Amos brushed at his hair and started out the door.

  “Where are you going?” Dunc asked.

  “What do you mean, where am I going? I’m going home. We can’t search Melissa’s room now. Her dad is here.”

  “So?”

  Amos turned around. “We can’t do it while he’s in the house. He might call the cops or something.”

  “He won’t do that. He’s sick. I’ll bet you anything he went upstairs to bed. We just have to be extra quiet, that’s all.”

  Amos threw up his hands. “Why not? I think he already regrets letting Melissa marry me.”

  Dunc led the way up the stairs. They could hear Mr. Hansen snoring at the end of the hall. Dunc pointed to the door on the left and quietly turned the knob.

  Melissa’s room was decorated in pastel colors, with lace and ruffles on the curtains and bedspread. There were posters on every wall.

  “Hey!” Amos was standing in front of a laminated newspaper clipping that Melissa had tacked up by her mirror.

  Dunc moved over to see what Amos was looking at. It was a picture of the football team, with a red heart drawn around Biff Fastrack.

  “How do you like that? My wife drew a heart around another guy’s picture. What do you think it means?”

  Dunc was already looking under the bed. “Everybody knows that Melissa used to like Biff before her accident.”

  “Rumors. Idle rumors. I don’t believe a word of it.”

  “You’re right. Next to you, how could Melissa even think about another guy—even if he is taller, stronger, and better-looking than you, not to mention captain of the football team.”

  “Some friend you are.”

  Dunc opened Melissa’s closet. “Jackpot.”

  Melissa had a stack of notebooks and school supplies in the corner of her closet.

  “Look at this.” Amos picked up two white Styrofoam containers. “The lab worms.” He opened the lid. “Hey Rover, Rex—easy, guys! I’m here. It’s all right.”

  Dunc stared at him for a moment, then shrugged and started gathering up the notebooks. “Help me carry this stuff. We have to be out of here before Melissa gets home.”

  “She must have hit every locker in school,” Amos said. “What are we going to do with it?”

  “We’ll worry about that later. For now, let’s get going.”

  Dunc made his way carefully down the stairs. Amos followed, carrying a stack of items taller than his head. The two Styrofoam containers were balanced on top.

  Just as Dunc reached for the door, it was yanked open, and Mrs. Hansen bustled in. “I forgot my—Oh, dear.” She tried to get a look at the boys’ faces around the school supplies. “Do I know you people?”

  Mr. Hansen had come back downstairs for another glass of juice. He walked past the boys as if they weren’t there. “Don’t worry, dear. They’re Melissa’s friends. She’s married to the one with the cap.” He filled his glass and headed back upstairs.

  Mrs. Hansen hesitated and then hurried after him. “Wait, Edward. No one told me Melissa was married. Why am I always the last to know these things?”

  Amos looked at Dunc around the edge of his stack. “And I thought my parents were strange.”

  Amos was dreaming. It was visiting day in the big house. Jail. He passed through several heavy iron gates, which clanged shut behind him. The inmates were reaching for him through the bars and calling him Hunk-Ra.

  Finally, he made it to the visiting room. Melissa was waiting for him. Only she wasn’t the same girl he remembered. Her hair was dirty and stringy, and she was wearing a striped suit. Amos looked down and saw a heavy ball and chain attached to her ankle. She was smoking a smelly cigar and kept saying “You dirty rat.”

  “Amos, wake up.” Dunc shook him. Amos didn’t open his eyes. Dunc got down on his knees and yelled next to Amos’s ear, “Wake up!” Amos opened one eye and muttered something about the possibility of parole in twenty years. Then he closed it again and pulled the cover over his head.

  Dunc shrugged. “Only one thing left to do.” He went to the hall and whistled.

  In less than a minute, Scruff, the Binder family dog, came running. Actually, Scruff was not the entire Binder family’s dog. He hated one particular member of the family: Amos. Years ago, the collie had put Amos on his hit list. Dunc never knew the exact reason—it had something to do with Amos and a hot burrito.

  Scruff, being the vengeful dog he was, grabbed the corner of the bedspread and pulled it off the bed. Then he backed up to the door like a bull ready to charge, exploded full speed toward the bed, and jumped. He landed like a ton of bricks in the middle of Amos’s stomach.

  “Aaagggh!” Amos curled into a ball. When he got his wind back, he sat up and glared at the dog. Scruff sat on the edge of the bed and wagged his tail.

  “Okay, boy. That’ll do.” Dunc patted his head.

  “Don’t pat that mutt,” Amos said. “He’s nothing but a flea-bitten waste of space.”

  Scruff dived at Amos’s feet. He came up with a big toe.

  “Let go of me, you stupid mongrel.”

  Dunc coaxed and called, but Scruff wouldn’t let go. Dunc scratched his head. “I think he wants you to say you’re sorry.”

  “Okay. I’m sorry already.”

&n
bsp; Scruff let go and trotted out of the room.

  Amos threw a pillow after him. “Dumb dog. One of these days, I’m taking him on a tour of the city pound and only one of us is coming back.”

  Dunc smiled. “I wouldn’t want to take bets on which one.”

  “Very funny.” Amos scowled and looked at his alarm clock. “Do you realize it’s five o’clock? In the morning?”

  “We have a lot to do today, remember?”

  “No.” Amos yawned and started to lie back down.

  “Let me see if I can jog your memory. It has to do with keeping a certain girl we know out of major trouble.”

  Amos sat up. “Melissa!” He reached for his pants, which were right where he had taken them off the night before—on the floor.

  Dunc went out to the hall and brought in a cardboard box. “We’ll sneak everything she took into the school lost-and-found department before anybody gets there this morning. And then you’ll still have time to make it back to Melissa’s house to walk her to school. Don’t forget, you can’t let her out of your sight. You have to walk her to every class and stay with her every minute between classes.”

  Amos still had his pajama shirt on. He tucked it in, pulled a cap down over his uncombed hair, and headed for the door. “Not a problem.”

  Amos fell into an exhausted heap onto the bench in the cafeteria. “I’m beat,” he told Dunc. “You wouldn’t believe what I’ve been through today. Not only did I have to run all the way to Melissa’s house this morning, I had to rush her to class and then try to get to mine before the bell. After class, I had to hustle to keep her from leaving without me.”

  Dunc took a bite of his sandwich. “Why aren’t you with her now?”

  “She’s eating lunch with some girls. She’ll be okay.” He wiped the perspiration off his forehead. “I didn’t realize having Melissa for a girlfriend would be so much work.”

  “This afternoon should be a little easier for you. Mrs. Wormwood is letting our class go to the gym to decorate for parents’ night.”

  “We’re having a parents’ night? When?”

  “Amos, don’t you ever pay attention? The principal made the announcement last week.”

  “I must have missed it. Is this going to be one of those things where your parents go around and visit your teachers and ask them what kind of grades you’re making?”

  Dunc nodded.

  “As if I don’t have enough problems.” Amos reached over and grabbed one of Dunc’s cookies. “Maybe I’ll accidentally forget to tell them about it.”

  “No good. The school is sending out invitations.”

  Amos shrugged. “Well, I guess I’ll just have to bring my grades up between now and then.”

  Dunc looked at him. “In two days?”

  “Maybe you can help me do some extra-credit reports or something.”

  Dunc was about to explain to Amos that even if they had enough time to write the reports, the teachers wouldn’t have time to grade them in two days. But he was cut short because the bell rang and Melissa headed through the cafeteria door by herself.

  Amos jumped up. “Catch you later, Dunc. Duty calls.”

  “Some bonus.” Dunc sat in the corner of the gym on a pile of tumbling mats. “I thought hard work was supposed to pay off—you know, get you someplace in life.”

  “Don’t let it get to you,” Amos said. “Your marriage budget made the best grade in class.”

  “Yeah, and look what it got me. Host of parents’ night, with Bertha Abercromby as hostess. We have to sit together all night.”

  Amos was trying to console his friend and keep an eye on Melissa at the same time. “Uh-oh. She’s at it again.”

  Dunc looked up. Melissa was following Brittany Wilkes. As soon as Brittany put up a decoration, Melissa would take it down and stuff it into her book bag.

  Amos raced over to Melissa. “Hi, honeybunch. You’re sure doing a good job decorating the gym and everything. Maybe I could help.”

  Amos reached into her book bag and started putting the decorations back up. He motioned for Dunc to come and help.

  Melissa pulled on the bag. “That’s okay, cupcake. I can manage.”

  Mrs. Wormwood was looking in their direction.

  Dunc helped Amos pull on the bag. They almost had it when Mrs. Wormwood walked over. “What’s going on here?”

  The boys let go of the bag. The only problem was that Melissa still had a good grip. She fell backward. She might have been okay if Herman Snodgrass hadn’t been on his hands and knees painting a “Welcome, Parents” sign right behind her.

  She flipped over Herman, knocked over the can of paint, and landed in the bleachers.

  Amos ran to her. She was out cold. He fanned her and tried slapping her hand. “Sweet-face, speak to me!”

  By now, the whole class had moved to the bleachers and was watching. Mrs. Wormwood had gone for the nurse.

  Amos looked at Dunc. “Maybe I better try mouth-to-mouth.”

  “It wouldn’t help. You only use that if they’re not breathing.”

  “I know.”

  Melissa opened her eyes. She looked up at Amos. “Where am I?”

  “In the gym. Don’t worry, pumpkin, I’m here with you.”

  Melissa stared at him. “Who are you?” She pushed him out of her way and sat up. “What am I doing here? Where’s Biff?” She stood up and headed for the gym door.

  Amos ran after her. “Wait, snookems! Don’t you remember? We balanced our checkbooks together!”

  Dunc watched them go and shook his head. “Well, at least things are back to normal.”

  He looked over and saw Tall Bertha waving at him. He hid his face with his jacket. “Wait, Amos! I’ll trade you two extra-credit reports if you’ll be host on parents’ night.

  “Amos!”

  The Culpepper

  Cupid Quiz

  by Amos Binder, The Love God

  Test your romantic know-how by answering the following questions written by Amos, The Love God. Proceed, if you dare.

  You know you are in love when … you actually want to go to school.

  you wake up before your alarm goes off and get up early so you can follow your love when she walks to school.

  you wear deodorant.

  None of the above.

  If your love doesn’t seem to know you exist, you should … pretend she doesn’t exist (it’s reverse psychology).

  send her love letters, unsigned.

  follow her around until she’s scared of you.

  None of the above.

  3. You know she’s starting to like you when she … doesn’t kick you as hard as she used to.

  smiles at someone you’ve met.

  looks in your direction when you scream out her name.

  None of the above.

  The best way to spark her interest is to … tell her the one about the pig with a scab.

  pick a fight with the class bully—the big kid who’s been held back four grades.

  tell nasty stories about the school principal in front of her.

  None of the above.

  You can tell it’s not working if … she won’t sign the body cast you’ve worn since you took on the class bully.

  she turns you in to the principal for the things you said.

  now, instead of kicking you, she pays the class bully to do it.

  None of the above.

  The absolute most romantic thing you can think of doing for a girl is to … give her a dozen carp.

  b. stand outside her window at night and sing all the verses to “Ninety-nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”

  buy her four pounds of unsweetened baking chocolate for her birthday.

  None of the above.

  You can tell how much she likes you by … how hard her friends laugh at you when you walk by. (They’re happy for you.)

  how often the phone rings when you’re near.

  how insistently she ignores you. (She’s playing hard to get.)

&n
bsp; None of the above.

  For your first date you should … teach her how to spit.

  ask her to help you clean your room.

  take her to see the World Wrestling Federation battle of the bellies.

  None of the above.

  When dining with your date you should … use your sleeve instead of your napkin. (It shows you are conservation-minded.)

  use your tongue to lick your plate. (All girls respect a healthy appetite.)

  c. impress her by eating spaghetti through your nose. (It works with the guys in the cafeteria.)

  None of the above.

  When you meet her parents you should … tell them the one about the cow with a scab.

  tell her father about your future as a professional stunt man.

  ask them how they managed to have such a beautiful daughter, being as ugly as they are.

  None of the above.

  Scoring Your Official

  Cupid Quiz:

  by Dunc Culpepper, The Voice of Reason

  Give yourself one point for each time you didn’t answer “d. None of the above.” Then rate yourself against Dunc’s scale:

  Total Points: Dunc’s clearance to date:

  1 (or less) Hope you’ve got an after-school job. You could be married within the week.

  2 or 3 Look forward to a few hot dates.

  4 or 5 You have clearance, provided you wear deodorant and don’t eat baked beans the night before.

  6 Strong chance she may turn you down and go out with your best friend.

  7 She’ll probably say no and become a nun because boys scare her now, but at least she knows you exist.

  8 Maybe you should consider becoming a nun yourself.

  9 The only reason your mom is seen with you is because they throw negligent parents in jail.

  10 Give it up. The only person who cares about you is your dog, and he growls when you’re around.