Billy and Me

by Giovanna Fletcher

  ‘OK.’

  ‘Love you,’ he shouts as he walks out of the door.

  I don’t have to read very far into the script to find the first ‘love’ scene, in fact the film opens with one, and it makes me want to vomit.

  APRIL, 1971, LONDON, ENGLAND

  INT. STAN’S HOTEL ROOM

  The door of a hotel room bashes open, in wades STAN BAR – A DANGEROUSLY SEXY ROCK STAR IN HIS LATE TWENTIES – with a woman – MEGAN REACH, EARLY TWENTIES – wrapped around his waist. He carries her into the room and slams the door behind them in haste. The pair grab at each other longingly, exploring each other’s mouths, writhing around in excitement.

  Stan throws Megan on to the bed, away from him, slowing down the process. He picks up a packet of cigarettes from the side, pulls one out and lights it, taking a deep drag. The pair hold eye contact throughout, as though this is part of the foreplay. Stan unbuttons his shirt and lets it drop to the floor, revealing his toned body. He takes another drag and watches Megan and waits for her as she does the same. Stan looks at Megan’s bra, raising his eyebrows slightly, telling her to take it off. She does so, freeing her breasts. She looks at him expectantly, nibbling her lip in excitement at what’s to come. With one hand Stan unbuckles his belt and unbuttons his trousers causing them to drop. Without waiting for Megan’s next move he lowers his pants. Close-up of Megan’s eyes as they widen with delight. She quickly removes her skirt, leaving her in just her knickers. She leans back on the bed, arching her back, her eyes begging Stan to come to her. He walks towards the foot of the bed, takes another drag and removes the cigarette, holding it in his hand. Using his one free hand he slides his palm up Megan’s leg, stopping occasionally to tease her, their breathing gets more laboured the higher he goes. Holding eye contact still, he lowers her knickers, inch by inch. Once they’re off he discards them on the floor and puts out his cigarette. Stan lifts one of Megan’s legs and rubs his bottom lip in the arch of her foot. With his tongue he traces his way up her body again, ignoring where she wants him the most and finding her neck. As he sucks on her ear lobe Megan moans with pleasure.

  I clench my jaw as I read through the rest of the script, each rub, lick, kiss and grind resonating through my brain, giving me a headache. I place it on the coffee table in front of me, resisting the urge to chuck it across the room, and grab the cushion next to me for comfort, hugging it into me tightly.

  Despite the presence of all these detailed scenes, I can see why Billy was so drawn to the script – it’s intense, dark and electrifying. Essentially, it follows a rock star as he reaches the height of his fame and has everything: all the money he could wish for, groupies at every venue, and the critical acclaim – however, as booze, drugs and sex take over his life, he becomes self-destructive, paranoid and increasingly violent, which results in him killing his wife. Although he is cleared of the charges, thanks to a back-hander to the judge, his reputation is in tatters. The uncertainty of his future sees him increasing his drug use, causing him to see his wife’s face everywhere, as though she’s haunting him. It’s thrilling and gripping, and miles away from the teenage drama of Halo, so I can understand why it’s a great project for Billy to be involved in … but even so, that doesn’t make it any easier to read or accept.

  I’m not sure whether to be pleased that Billy has handed me this to look at or not, although I’d have been in for a big shock if I’d have turned up to the set, ignorant of what was about to take place, as I watched him roll around with some girl and pull her knickers off.

  The reality is that this is his job, though, right? No matter how different Stan Bar is from Mr Darcy, I knew what he did when we got together, so I can’t start throwing my weight around now, making demands. But the thought of him on set, licking, stroking and thrusting various naked girls makes me feel heartbroken – no matter how innocent the filming of the scenes might be.

  Reading the script, it makes sense that actors usually date other actors. To those outside of the profession, the notion of sending your partner off to work every day where he’ll be fondling someone else is just plain barbaric. At least with two actors they each have to do the same thing, sharing some sort of mutual understanding.

  I sigh heavily as Russell Mode’s words trickle into my brain … ‘Every girl in the industry is going to be batting their eyelashes in his direction now, doing everything they can to get his attention.’ If ever there were a time for a girl to be close enough to tempt Billy and demand his attention, it would be when she’s got her naked body wrapped around him, while he’s nibbling on her ear.

  I know my reaction to this script is pivotal. If I react badly, blow up and go nuts at the stupidity of someone doing scenes like this when they’re in a committed relationship, I’ll push Billy away and drive a wedge between us. I’ll be giving these girls the advantage of things not being rosy at home. Allowing them to wiggle their way through the cracks and come between us. However, if I stand by Billy and realize it’s work, nothing more, turn up on set and be as nice as pie to everyone, becoming friends with them all, there’s no way they’d cross that line. Not if I show I’m an actual figure in Billy’s life, who he loves and respects. Right?

  I have to remain calm and rational, no matter how tempted I am to scream and shout, declaring the whole thing ridiculous. It’s only for eight weeks, after all, how hard can that be?

  ‘I have to tell you something,’ says Billy, striding through the front door an hour later, puffing in distress.

  ‘OK …’

  Having read the script I still feel a bit queasy – the fact that Billy is obviously in a state over something else does not fill me with confidence.

  ‘Paul …’ he says, scratching his head as he screws up his face in angst. ‘While I was there he found out who’d been cast opposite me in the film.’

  ‘And …?’

  ‘It’s Heidi Black.’

  I repeat the name in my head for a while, knowing that it sounds familiar, but not being able to place it.

  ‘Heidi Black? I know that name …’ I say in confusion. That’s when it dawns on me. ‘She’s your ex.’

  ‘Yes,’ says Billy, biting his lip and looking uncomfortable.

  ‘Ah …’

  ‘I don’t want you to panic,’ he says, taking my hands and rubbing the backs of them with his thumbs.

  ‘You’re going to be doing these sex scenes with your ex?’

  ‘I know this is going to be really odd, but trust me, it’ll all be so professional and above board. It’s literally a case of putting what where for the camera, anyway.’

  ‘Right …’ I say, trying to get my head around this new development. I remember back to the time I sat Googling Billy before our first date and Heidi came up with her luscious blonde hair and toned body. Clicking through those photos led me to feel worthless. How will I cope when Billy is around her and her perfection every day?

  I have to play this carefully, especially as Billy has been open about everything, and not left me to discover it for myself this time.

  ‘She’s more like a friend now, anyway. Well, a friend I never speak to. Plus, she’s engaged to this producer, they’re getting married at the end of the year. It’s not as if either of us is still in the place we were. It’s been years …’ Billy stops and lets out a sigh. ‘I’m babbling on.’

  ‘You are!’

  ‘I’m so sorry. I’ve no idea why they’ve cast her. The whole way through casting they’ve been banging on about getting me as far away from Halo as possible, so it doesn’t make sense.’

  ‘Billy, it’s fine.’

  ‘It’s not.’

  ‘Yes, it is,’ I say, putting my arms around him.

  ‘I want you there, so you can see it’s all above board, that it’s all about hitting your markers and making it look right. It’s technical, nothing else.’

  ‘Baby … I trust you with all my heart,’ I say sincerely, knowing that I do and thankful that he’s taking such care over the matte
r, rather than expecting me to take it in my stride.

  ‘Good! The last few weeks have really made me realize how much I love you, Sophie. I want to protect you from being hurt for the rest of my life. Honestly, you don’t need to worry about me doing these scenes. They mean nothing, so I don’t want you to panic.’

  There’s no stopping that, I think to myself, wondering how I’ll manage to keep calm when I see him kissing Heidi Black on screen.

  The new Heidi Black development makes me phone Molly. She is the only one I want to talk to about the matter. The only one I know won’t judge me if I moan or vent. I need her.

  I’ve been so wrapped up in my own torment and misery that I selfishly blocked out how Molly must’ve been feeling during that time. In the eight or more years that I’ve known Molly I’ve never gone a day without speaking to her. It’s been a week – far too long – and I know I should have phoned her sooner.

  I wait until Billy is out and I know Molly will be at home and able to talk without prying ears. I crawl into bed and dial her number.

  My heart thumps as the phone rings and I wait for her to pick up.

  ‘Hello?’ she eventually answers, sounding out of breath.

  ‘Molly, it’s me.’

  ‘Oh, my darling! I’m so sorry.’

  ‘You don’t have to be, Molly. It’s not your fault.’

  ‘No, but …’ she says, flustered over where to start. ‘Sally started up a friendship with Carla, you see. She’d come to me and asked these questions about you – I didn’t want to say anything but I had to put her straight. Carla had said all sorts of rubbish.’

  ‘Molly, honestly you don’t have to explain.’

  ‘She didn’t even tell me,’ Molly continues. ‘She just didn’t turn up for work on the Saturday, she didn’t call or anything. I spent the whole day worrying. And then on the Sunday I saw the papers and knew exactly what she’d been up to.’

  ‘That’s awful.’

  How could someone trick such a kind lady as Molly in that manner? Does this Sally have no shame whatsoever?

  ‘Everyone in the village is outraged!’ she continues. ‘Everyone had been so nice to her.’

  Suddenly I realize it’s not just me who needs to vent some anger and get things off her chest. Likewise, it’s not just me that has been wronged.

  I listen as Molly continues, clearly eager to share her version of events.

  ‘A few of the ladies came to me because they were worried about the things that they’d told her – I had a right panic at what else that little toerag knew. Miss Brown was in a complete state about the whole thing. But when I asked her a few questions it turned out it wasn’t anything about you, she’d only sung your praises. No, she was worried that she’d admitted to lying to her family about baking the cakes we make for her every time they visit.’ At this Molly starts laughing hysterically. ‘Oh, I know I shouldn’t … but as if the nation would really care about that?’

  ‘You never know, “Granny Brown’s baking frown” has quite a ring to it,’ I chuckle back.

  ‘Oh my sweetpea, I’m really am so sorry. I know that must’ve hit you hard.’

  ‘You know what, Mol, it did but I’m glad it’s out there now.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah. I should’ve told Billy months ago.’

  ‘Probably explains a thing or two about your hermit behaviour!’

  ‘Oi! I’ve only just forgiven you,’ I laugh.

  ‘You said I didn’t need forgiving!’

  There are certain people in life who can tease you about your idiosyncrasies without you getting seriously offended. For me, Molly is the only one who can joke about my shortcomings and get away with it. I imagine that’s because we know each other so well.

  ‘I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to call you, Mol. It was stupid of me to leave it this long.’

  ‘Don’t be daft.’

  ‘No, it was childish of me. I should’ve called you straight away.’

  ‘You’re calling now, love, that’s all that matters!’ she coos. ‘How is everything there anyway?’

  ‘Fine … except you’ll never guess who Billy’s new leading lady is.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘His ex.’

  ‘Noooooo!’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Crikey. You’re not worried, are you?’

  ‘I’m not overjoyed about it!’

  ‘That’s hardly surprising, dear. It’s just another part, though – like all the rest.’

  ‘Yes, Mol, but this script is so … explicit!’

  ‘In what way?’

  ‘Sex. And lots of it.’

  ‘Oh dear.’

  ‘Seriously, I wouldn’t even be able to read a single scene to you without blushing.’

  ‘What are you more worried about? Him being with his ex or filming naughty bits like that?’

  ‘To be honest, both fill me with dread,’ I say, as I ponder the question. ‘What if all his old feelings for her come flooding back? I can’t compete with her, Molly, I know I can’t.’

  ‘But you don’t have to!’

  ‘I just can’t bear the thought of losing him.’

  ‘You know what, I never once thought about life without Albert. Not once did I think to myself, “How will I cope if he’s no longer here?” But then he died and I learnt how to cope. Even when Peter decided to leave me and move halfway across the world, I coped,’ Molly says. ‘My point is, there’s no point worrying about losing Billy when you still have him. Where’s the sense in that? All you’ll end up doing is tainting everything with your doubt.’

  ‘I guess …’

  ‘My girl, just remember that it’s you he comes home to every night.’

  ‘Yes, but is there any point in him coming home if he’d rather be somewhere else? There’s so much happening at the moment, opportunities being offered every day – it’s all so exciting for him. But for me it’s just …’

  ‘Overwhelming?’

  ‘Yeah. I guess. I’ve got nothing exciting to give him.’

  I hear Molly sigh down the phone. ‘Don’t let your doubts get into his head – nothing will push him away faster. That boy loves you, Sophie. You’ve got to start believing you’re good enough.’

  19

  Billy meets his fellow cast members for The Walking Beat at rehearsals a couple of weeks before filming, with the director wanting to warm them all up so that they don’t waste time on set. Following his first day with them all, I don’t ask Billy too many questions when he first comes through the door (I don’t want him to know I’m trying to size up the situation), but when we’re sitting down for dinner a little later I try to delicately ask a few questions about the cast. Trying to prise information out of him without making it known that I’m worried the girls are maneaters, ready to pounce on my man at the first opportunity they’re given.

  ‘So, what’s everybody like?’ I ask innocently, twirling my spaghetti round my fork.

  ‘Really nice, actually. I didn’t really get a chance to talk to people that much, there’s so much to do. The guys in the band are awesome. Literally they just sit there jamming any time there’s a break. It makes me wish I knew how to play something.’

  Billy’s character Stan is the band’s lead vocalist and frontman. Whereas the rest of the band were cast for their musical abilities, with the director wanting them to be able to function as a band, the role of Stan needed someone with charisma, charm and sex appeal as the driving force … so ego over musical talent.

  ‘You feeling left out?’

  ‘Kind of … and talentless,’ laughs Billy. ‘I’ve made it my mission to be able to play a song on guitar by the end of filming.’

  ‘Which song are you going to learn?’

  ‘God knows … an easy one!’

  ‘So, what’s everyone else like? Are all the girls nice?’ I ask, placing a big forkful of pasta into my mouth to stop myself asking more questions.

  ‘You mean my groupies?
They seem nice,’ he says with a shrug. ‘All really welcoming and just as nervous about the whole thing as I am.’

  ‘I bet they are. What are their names?’

  ‘Erm …’ Billy says as he struggles to remember them. ‘God, this is bad. There’s Holly, Rebecca, Karen and Sarah. I can’t remember the other two, I didn’t see that much of them. It’s good to have a bit of rehearsal time, it helps to get rid of that awkwardness of being touchy-feely with someone you’ve just met. This way, when we get on set we’ll just be able to bash out scenes easily rather than having to be wary of upsetting each other.’

  ‘Right …’

  ‘They’re looking forward to meeting you.’

  ‘Really? I thought you didn’t get a chance to speak much?’

  ‘We didn’t, but you’re always on my mind,’ he says, with a laugh and a wink.

  It’s good to know Billy’s been talking about me, that I’m not banished from his mind the moment he steps into a room full of girls. However, I wonder if he has mentioned me because he’s looking forward to having me on set with him, or because someone’s been getting too close for comfort?

  ‘How were things with Heidi?’

  Billy screws up his face.

  ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘She’s been a bit off with me. A bit … frosty.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I’ve got no idea, I thought things were fine between us. Although she’s been like it with everyone else, too, not just me, so something must be going on with her.’

  ‘That must be strange for you, after being so close.’

  ‘A bit, but as long as she’s OK in the scenes and does her job, which she seems to be doing, that’s all that matters.’

  I find myself happy that Heidi has placed some sort of barrier between them; I’d rather that than them being overly close and familiar, remembering the good old days.

  On the morning of the first day on set we get picked up by a driver at five am. It’s painful to see that time in the morning, no matter how excited I am to join Billy at work. I clamber around the bedroom trying to make my brain function enough to get dressed, not sure what to wear. Seeing Billy lazily put on his comfies, I end up throwing on a pair of jeans, a woolly jumper and a pair of Ugg boots Billy bought me for Christmas (I’m pretty sure they’re the comfiest thing ever invented).