Starting Now

by Debbie Macomber

  Despite his promise to give her time, Phillip had grown increasingly impatient with her schedule. She’d tried reasoning with him. He should be able to understand that this was a huge professional opportunity. It was vital that he realize how important it was for her to prove to the partners that they’d made the right decision in asking her to return. Like every other business, they wanted proof that their investment in her was going to pay the necessary dividends. It felt good to grow as a professional and see herself becoming skilled in the areas where she’d been weak before. But it was just so frustrating that there weren’t enough hours in the day for all the things she wanted in order to live the rich, full life she hoped to have. Instead she was caught in a crazy balancing act, looking to reassure the firm’s partners and at the same time maintain her relationship with Phillip and the other friends she’d made. She didn’t want to believe it was an either/or situation.

  Phillip had grown distant; the emotional walls were becoming thicker and harder to penetrate. He was often sarcastic and cranky and eager to start an argument. Libby tried to be patient. She bit her tongue so often she feared it had permanent teeth marks.

  His own surgery schedule had increased after one of the other surgeons opted for early retirement. The hospital was hiring a replacement, but the interview process was taking far longer than anyone had anticipated. As a result, Phillip’s workload had increased dramatically.

  Phillip often phoned her between surgeries, asking her to meet him, to take time for a cup of coffee, to sneak away for lunch, or to just stop working long enough for them to connect. Each time Libby had no choice but to put him off. As much as she would have liked to spend time with him she couldn’t just walk away from the office because he had an hour or less free. She had responsibilities, too.

  Twice now they’d argued so bitterly that she’d had to walk away to cool down.

  “What happened to the woman I fell in love with?” Phillip demanded.

  “I’m right here. Nothing’s changed,” Libby insisted.

  He laughed, scoffing at her. “Are you the same woman who took time to help a pregnant teenager?”

  “Of course I am.”

  “When did you last speak to Ava?”

  Libby clenched her fists at her sides. “She can call me, too, you know.”

  Phillip just stared at her and shook his head.

  And that wasn’t the end of his barrage.

  “Sharon tells me that since you started work you haven’t been to the nursery even once.”

  Libby had to acknowledge that she didn’t have time now to rock newborns. “I haven’t, and I miss it.”

  “Sharon misses you and so do the babies. You were wonderful with them. I fell in love with you watching you sing to the babies.” His eyes grew dark and sad, as if the woman he spoke of was forever gone.

  “I was unemployed. I had time on my hands. I don’t any longer; I have a job now, other responsibilities.”

  He just stared at her as if he hadn’t heard a word she’d said.

  “How’s Robin?” he asked next.

  The question gave Libby a reason to smile. “Fine.”

  “Really? When was the last time you talked to her?”

  “This week,” she shot back, although now that he asked, she wasn’t completely sure. The days flew by so quickly.

  What Libby didn’t mention was the sarcastic comment Robin had made the last time they’d connected. They were supposed to meet up for a drink after work and Libby had canceled at the last minute. Robin hadn’t taken kindly to being put off. It’d been the second time in as many weeks.

  Now, tired as she was, Libby lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling, assessing the last few months. The days had flown, seeming to trip over one another like falling dominos. Scott’s birthday party seemed like last weekend but it was almost a month ago. Soon it would be Thanksgiving and then Christmas would be upon them.

  Phillip had invited her to fly to Arizona to meet his parents for Thanksgiving. It had broken her heart to turn him down. Ironically, he hadn’t seemed the least bit troubled. He’d simply shrugged it off, almost as if he didn’t care.

  The sound of her doorbell startled her. Libby sat up in bed and glanced at the clock on her nightstand. It was nearly one o’clock in the morning. The only person she could think it might be was Ava, and the thought filled her with apprehension.

  Libby had connected with Ava only a few times lately and the girl wasn’t happy. She wasn’t doing well in her classes and was fighting with her grandmother. Peter’s family had put their home up for sale and had already purchased a house outside of the neighborhood.

  Grabbing her robe, Libby stuffed her arms into the sleeves and tied the belt around her waist. Before she reached the front door, the doorbell chimed again. Checking the peephole, she was shocked to discover a disheveled Phillip standing in the hallway outside her door. He looked terrible. Apparently he’d been walking in the rain because what she could see of his coat was drenched. Rainwater dripped from his hair.

  Unlocking the deadbolt, she tossed open the door and with her heart in her throat asked, “Phillip, what’s happened? Are you okay?”

  He looked at her and blinked as if he didn’t know where he was or how he’d gotten to her condo. Running his fingers through his hair, he didn’t seem to know what to say.

  Taking him by the hand, she led him into her living room and helped him out of his raincoat.

  “What time is it?” he asked before he flopped onto her sofa. He leaned forward and stared down at the carpet, his arms dangling between his knees.

  “Almost one.”

  She sat next to him and took his hands in hers. They were shockingly cold. She rubbed them to start the circulation flowing back into his fingers. “What happened?” she whispered.

  “Just let me hold you for a moment.”

  Libby had never seen him like this. She climbed onto the sofa on her knees and wrapped her arms as far around him as they would go. Resting her cheek against the top of his wet head, she gently brushed the thick strands of hair from his forehead while softly singing the way she had with the babies in the nursery.

  It must have been ten minutes before he spoke. “I lost a baby this afternoon.”

  Libby had guessed it was something like that. Phillip took death personally, as if he were responsible, as if life or death was a decision he made instead of God. She yearned to remind him that he was only an instrument, but knew that he didn’t want to hear it. At this point she doubted he’d believe her.

  “This was a special child … long anticipated.”

  He paused as if every word caused him pain.

  “The mother underwent five IVF attempts and the baby came early and with a heart defect. This child was their only chance for a family and she begged me to take every measure necessary to save her son.” Phillip paused and didn’t seem able to continue. Several moments passed before he spoke again. “He died on the operating table. We weren’t able to resuscitate him. He lived less than five hours and … and I had to tell the parents.” He rubbed his hands across his face.

  By now Libby was so affected by his grief that her throat was clogged and she couldn’t speak. She could only imagine how the parents had reacted to the news. All Libby could do was hold him the same way he had held and comforted her when the adoption had fallen through. She would have given anything to lessen his pain, to ease this horrific ache from his heart.

  After several minutes, he broke out of her embrace and stood. His eyes were more intense than she could remember.

  “I can’t do this anymore.”

  “Phillip, my love,” she whispered, aching with the desire to comfort him. “The hospital needs you; these babies need you. The worst thing you could do now is to walk away. I agree that what happened would tear at anyone’s heart, but you can’t allow it to destroy you.”

  He stood and stared at her for several seconds. “I wasn’t talking about the hospital, Libby, I was referrin
g to us. It’s over.”

  A cold chill whipped through her. “You don’t mean that.” He was in pain and he didn’t know what he was saying.

  “This isn’t a spur-of-the-moment decision,” he said, sounding calm now and completely reasonable. “Our relationship has been weighing on me for weeks. I thought I could do it, give you the time you needed to get your work schedule settled. If I could hold out, if I could be patient, then eventually everything would even itself out. I’ve waited and I can see now that nothing is going to change. If anything, it’s gotten worse.”

  “It will change, Phillip. I promise it will.”

  Slowly he shook his head. “You’re a fool if you believe that, Libby. A fool.”

  Her nails bit into her palms; she didn’t take kindly to being called a fool. “You need to sleep on this. We belong together. You know it and I know it. Don’t be so willing to give up on us. Not yet.” Although it was difficult she did her best to remain outwardly calm. On the inside her heart was in a panic. She couldn’t lose Phillip.

  “I’ve watched what’s happened, Libby. I’ve tried to be patient, but it’s time to face facts here. This relationship isn’t working for either of us.”

  She denied it with a sharp shake of her head. “That’s not true. It’s working for me. I need you. You don’t know what you’re saying.”

  “Are you telling me you haven’t figured out why you’ve had such little contact with Ava?”

  “In case you haven’t noticed I’ve been busy,” she snapped, surprised by the vehemence of her response.

  “Ava reminds you of Amy Jo. You couldn’t deal with what happened when the Armstrongs decided to adopt her. As a result you’re avoiding Ava. She needed your encouragement and support when she was pregnant but she needs it even more now and where are you? At the office. You’re always at the office because your work there gives you an escape. You don’t need to think about what you lost. The same thing happened when your mother died and after Joe left you. You buried yourself in your work.”

  Every word was an accusation, each one flung at her as she stood defenseless and exposed. Stinging tears filled her eyes and she quickly blinked them away.

  “You aren’t the man I thought you were, either,” she cried. “The man I love would never say such ugly, mean things, whether they were true or not.”

  Phillip rubbed his hand along the back of his neck. “I’m sorry.”

  She swallowed hard and because she found it difficult to speak she accepted his apology with a short, abrupt nod.

  “I am sorry, but not for what I said, Libby,” he qualified and although his voice was soft, almost gentle, his words pierced her heart. She squinted at him, not knowing what to think.

  “I’m sorry because I really believe we could have been good together.” He started toward the door.

  For one paralyzing moment Libby stood frozen in the middle of her living room. Then she ran after him and grabbed hold of his hand, stopping him. She’d allowed Joe to walk away. She wouldn’t let it happen again. Not with Phillip.

  “Don’t go,” she pleaded. “Please, Phillip, don’t do this.”

  He reached out to her, his hand at the base of her neck, and brought her into his arms. When he kissed her it was with a locked-up passion that was almost painful in its intensity. He released her so abruptly that she stumbled backward.

  “It’s over, Libby,” he said starkly. “Don’t make it harder.” He left then, leaving her stone cold and in shock.

  By late the following afternoon Libby had left no fewer than six messages on Phillip’s cell. He didn’t return her calls. When she couldn’t reach him by phone she stopped off at the hospital.

  “Dr. Stone took a few days of personal time,” Abby told her after she found his office locked.

  “Do you know where he went?” Libby asked, trying to pretend nothing was amiss and failing miserably. She stood with her arms crossed and her heart in her throat.

  “No, sorry,” Abby told her sympathetically. “We’ve missed you around here.”

  “I’ve missed being here,” Libby said, and realized how true that was. “If you see Phillip, mention that I stopped by, would you?”

  “Of course.”

  Libby left the hospital, and sat in her car for several moments. She knew she should go back to the office. She’d gotten several stares when she’d walked out without an explanation. They would expect her back, but Libby had somewhere else she needed to go. Someone else she needed to see.

  When she parked in front of Ava’s house she saw Jackson practicing free throws off the hoop in the Armstrongs’ driveway. He paused when he saw her and stared as if she were an alien who’d stepped out of a spaceship.

  Libby walked up to the front porch and rang the doorbell.

  Ava answered and immediately her eyes brightened as she threw open the screen door.

  Libby opened her arms and Ava walked into her embrace, hugging her so tightly that it hurt Libby’s ribs.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” the teenager whispered. “I never see you anymore.”

  “I should have come sooner,” Libby whispered as she ran her hand down the back of the girl’s head. “I’m sorry, so sorry, but I’m here now. Let’s go someplace and talk. Just you and me.”

  “Okay,” Ava breathed on the tail end of a sob. “Just you and me.”

  Chapter 39

  Libby didn’t hear from Phillip all weekend, although she clung to the hope that he would return her calls. By Saturday night she was an emotional disaster. Convinced that she’d lost him the same way she had lost Joe, Libby cuddled up on the sofa, wrapped a blanket around her body, and hibernated the rest of the day, watching the Food Network and reruns of Law & Order.

  Phillip was gone. He’d basically told her not to pursue him. For him there was no turning back; the decision had been made. He was through, and no amount of reassurances would change that.

  Amy Jo was out of her life, too. Libby’s dream of nurturing and loving that beautiful baby girl was over. Phillip had made what seemed like hurtful accusations, telling her she had hid her grief by burying herself in her work. At the time she’d denied it, denied everything. But now she could see that he was right. When the Armstrongs had decided to adopt Ava’s baby it had felt as if the infant had been ripped from her arms. The ache simply wouldn’t go away. The distraction she’d chosen was the same one she’d used for nearly her entire life. She studied, she worked, she did whatever it took so she wouldn’t have to face the pain confronting her.

  All she had left was her career. Libby had worked hard to prove herself, to make her mother proud. Yet despite everything she’d accomplished since returning to the firm, she wasn’t happy.

  How could she be happy when her personal life was in shambles? She missed her friends and the life she had carved out for herself while unemployed. She missed Phillip and the closeness they’d once shared. And yet Libby could hear her mother’s voice from her sickbed telling her how important it was to make the most out of every opportunity because life held no guarantees.

  Molly Morgan had wanted Libby to be a success, but suddenly Libby realized that her mother had wanted her to be successful in life. Life consisted of more than top grades in school or a career in law. Happiness meant opening herself up to be with others, being loving and accepting the love of others.

  Her mother had wanted Libby to be a whole person. For Libby that meant strong relationships—a husband, family, friends, and work that fit with her talents. She’d been so focused on making partner, as if the title alone would fill all the empty holes in her life.

  What she’d learned from Phillip was that she needed so much more than a title on a door and a place on the company letterhead. She needed the family she’d found, the friends. Most of all she needed Phillip.

  Here she was weeks away from achieving her goal and she was utterly miserable. She’d earned the position of partner, or she would very soon. She had it in the palm of her hand.


  It meant nothing.

  She felt nothing … nothing at all.

  Not elation.

  Not joy.

  Not pride.

  That hole inside of her should be filled up, overflowing. It wasn’t. She’d worked and stretched and searched and sacrificed for nothing.

  Because she’d dealt poorly with the failed adoption, Libby had let Ava down. Phillip was right; seeing the teenager reminded her of Amy Jo, of loss. It was more than the failed adoption. It was every loss Libby had suffered throughout the years: her mother, her marriage, her job. One loss after another until they became an insurmountable pile that overwhelmed her every time she was forced to confront it. She’d let that pile come between her and Phillip, between her and their future together.

  No matter what happened from this point forward Libby was determined to stay in touch with Ava. She might not have control over much else, but this she could and would do. Because Libby knew what it was like to be without a mother, she could help the young teen navigate through the twisting, turning road of adolescence. She would be Ava’s mentor. For years Libby had thought of herself as motherless. It suddenly struck her that that wasn’t true.

  Libby had a mother, a wonderful, loving, supportive, encouraging mother. She just wasn’t here any longer. Molly was gone but she would always be with Libby, in the same way that Ava’s mother would always be with her.

  Darlene Carmichael loved her granddaughter, but much like Libby’s father, she was caught up in her own grief. The older woman did the best she could with what she had, but that wasn’t enough for Ava. Darlene didn’t understand the emotional needs of her granddaughter in the same way that Libby’s father hadn’t understood hers. Libby was determined to provide all the encouragement and support Ava needed. No one had been there for Libby, but she would stand by Ava because she knew far too well what it was like to feel alone, isolated, and afraid.